you know what else is absolutely euphoric?

feeling as if i finally found someone worth my time. i used to think it was too exhausting meeting someone new and getting to know them. but with Vitto, it's so easy and relaxed.

today in English, Mr. Sainchuk was talking about relationships. i can't remember exactly what he said, but this girl in my class was talking....
"... it's important to get to know the person at the beginning of a relationship"
Mr. Sainchuk responded..
"but WHY?! what on earth is the rush????? why do you need to get to know him overnight?? guys, when you spend all your time with your girlfriend, i assure you that the relationship will not last. if you want your relationship to last, you have to take your time and slowly get to know each other."

it seems that everything he says is directed to me somehow. i can relate somehow to everything he talks about.
he has this weird habit of knowing people without actually knowing them... on the first day he asked me if i was a good writer. i responded..
"i dunno... maybe"
"i dunno? maybe? how will you attract any men with that confidence. 'look at me! i have no confidence in myself! how on earth will i meet a guy who wants to be with someone who has such low confidence?!'"

it was just ridiculous. sure everyone was laughing and so was i. but he read me like a book. the next class he was talking about palm reading. i happened to grab the spot at the front so he grabs my hand and predicts my future as follows...
"ahh... ok. so you will soon meet someone very special who you will care about dearly. but in 6 months he will dump you and you will not get over it for 4 years!"

my jaw nearly dropped because it sounded like something that could totally happen to me. it already has, just divide the time periods in half!

but Vitto is totally cool. he sent me the sweetest thing just now..
"it's a good thing because i really do like you and taking this slow is a smart idea. but ya like i said i am stoked to hang out with you. ha and i am really looking forward to stealing that kiss. and taking naps with you while listening to records heh"
"i totally think that is how you start a good relationship. it will be more about us than that."

i don't know what i did to deserve someone like him. maybe those late night chats with God while sipping on green tea and listening to Mazzy Star really worked.

he is amazing.

been sitting here for awhile listening to Fiona Apple while doing chemistry homework. music has the ability to make me happy even when doing chemistry homework.
or maybe it was the text conversation between Vitto and I.

now i'm listening to Mazzy Star. they're angels.
when i listen to their music i imagine myself in a different world saturated with color. i have long wavy dark hair in this world and i'm wearing a nice sundress and i'm laying in a field of ridiculously green grass and i watch the ridiculously white clouds travel across the ridiculously blue sky.

it's euphoric.

i think my favorite music of all time has to be within these artists: Coldplay, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bloc Party, Bob Marley, Fiona Apple, and Mazzy Star

my life is complete when all the above are included

yesterday me and Vitto went to Heather's condo where she and my brother made dinner. after dinner we hung out until 9:30 when we went to Empress.

it wasn't as awesome as last time i went because i didn't really have a lot to drink.. just random sips from Daniel and Vitto's beers.

as time went on, my legs eventually rested on top of Vitto's leg, and he held my hand for a bit.
that was the best part.

Friday or Saturday he wants to go out to Da Capo and maybe catch a movie at the Garneau.

he gives me butterflies

another positive note! i weighed myself this morning and i am now 148 pounds! which totals to 7 pounds lost in the last few months. i haven't weighed under 150 in so long....


positivity all around!

last night i went to the Etherial CD Release party. i went with Aislin, Haley and Shawn. there was a lot of people there from our school.. ones that usually never go to their shows. it was pretty fun and then we went to the Liquor store where we bought some booze with my newly legal identification.

i love Haley because she makes me laugh really really hard with her random expressions and sayings.
i love Aislin because she's cute and she keeps us under control.. for the most part.
i love Amanda because she becomes a sultry spanish man when under the influence and says things like "Como stas bitchessss" and "OLE!" and "hombre" hahaha.
i love Kari because she's an alcoholic.

i love live music because it's hypnotizing.

afterwards, we went to McDonald's because Haley and I were hungry and i hadn't eaten anything that day which probably explains why i was completely out of my mind with only a few shots of captain morgan's.

anyways, Aislin drove me home and i laid in bed and texted Vitto for about an hour. i confessed that i couldn't stop thinking about him at the concert.

and that's when he confessed that he really likes me and thinks i'm amazing.

WHAAAAA???? i was totally thrown off in a totally awesome way.

i can't wait to see him in approximately 3 hours for dinner at Heather's condo and then out to the bar!!!

it was a very chill day.

i had cosmetology with my girls first block.
i had english with my girl second block.
i had spare with myself third block.
i had lunch with my girl at lunch.
i had chemistry with my crew 4th block.

went downtown and took a bus to his house fifth block.
blazed with my boys sixth block.
watched Knocked Up and burned incense with my boy 7th block.
drank green tea with my boy eighth block.

i think i really like him for long time.

i'm tired of saying nothing about what has been happening to me.

on one hand, i really really want to talk about it. but on the other hand, i want to keep it myself because i don't know what is going to happen.

i'll keep it down to the basics..
that guy that i met at the bar.. Vitto. well we've been texting for the past three days. and i'm hanging out with him tomorrow.

basically, he could be one of the coolest people i've ever met. he's 22 and a hippie. he has those really old VW vans from the 70s and he lived in Australia for 6 months and went to New Zealand and was pretty much a beach bum.

the best part? he's friends with my brother. i told my brother yesterday we were going to hang out and all he could say (with a big smile on his face) was "i'm going to kill that guy." but then he continued to say he's a really really wicked guy. and he's italian! him and my brother went to italian school together. and to add to that, he grew up 2 doors down from my brothers girlfriend, Heather. so it won't be awkward when and if we hang out together.

last night me and Vitto were texting and it was 1 am and he told me to tell my brother "il gatto nero fa meow meow" (in italian it means the black cat goes meow meow) and so i told me brother and my brother says "tell him- Come lo sai esopo?" (which means how do you know, esopo?) and Vitto sends one back saying he laughed so hard.

i was so out of the loop but he then told me it was an italian song they learned in Italian school.

it's just a really really cool feeling. i have no way of knowing what will happen, but i can't wait, whatever it is.

i really like writing about meaningful things that won't make me want to smack myself upside the head a few years down the road.

Follow me because
I will lead the way
to the very end of the things I pray
and all that I know I will pass on
until the day you will need me no more.

I will take you to where you’ve never been before.
and I’ll show you all of this colourful world
and when the moment comes that you will carry on,
You, you’ll do the same
You will lead the game
for another, another
just like you.

do you ever actually think about the water you drink?
i mean, the Earth only has a certain amount of water which has been recycled since the beginning of time.

i imagine the water people are drinking is entering their bodies, exiting their bodies, going into the water cleaning system and so on..

and then when you add rivers, lakes, oceans, and even the water cycle! i mean, it is totally possible that i am drinking water that has travelled to the sky!

or maybe Cleopatra bathed in the same bath water as i do! there are a million possibilites.

just think of how ancient water molecules are.. they never really disappear.

oh, the stories water would tell if only it could talk.

i just would like to mention that under Aquarius woman and Sagittarius male it says this:

LOOSE. free with their bods, treat 'em like temples

=D

i have this nasty habit.

not necessarily nasty, but it's an awful habit to have because it's exactly what women do wrong.

i have this old old old magazine from 2000.. it's Teen People and it has Sisqo on the cover. i refer to this magazine many times in my life. specifically when i meet a new guy. any new guy.. even the ones i don't want to be with romantically.

inside there's three pages.
the first page is for the women. it has all the zodiac signs and under it says for each zodiac what about men they prefer most... in areas such as appearance, personality, ideals etc...

for example, under Aquarius (me!) it says this...
LOOKS:
DUDE. rude-boy vibe. skate, ska-style. fluid body lingo. radical hair-- the odd dye job, tattoo or piercing.
PERSONALITY:
CONSCIOUS. visionary. probing. provocative. out of bounds. zealous. exceptional. progressive. humane. lustily longing.
IDEALS:
CHANGE. rebellion. individualism. self-promotion. clarity. invention. tolerance. temperance.
AMBITION:
NIRVANA.ending strife. fostering solidarity. solving global problems.

on the second page is what men want.

for example i will pick want an Aquarian man would want (and for the record, i've never actually had to look under this zodiac sign for men before)...
LOOK:
LOVE CHILD. beads, braids. buff yoga bod. strappy styles. corn-fed face. techno-trappings. open gaze.
and so on and so on.
i use this page a lot. and even though it's probably not true, it's cool to see what it says anyways.

finally! the third and last page is a table. across the top are the mens zodiac signs and going down the side are the womens zodiac signs. you find the woman's and man's sign and see their compatibility. ( i also love and use this a lot)

so when i use Aquarius and Aquarius together here is what it says:
EXTRA-ORDINARY. normal outside, freaky inside. both brainy.

how cool is that?!?!

let's be nerdy and confess that this is my 900th post!!

how ridiculous is that.

very very ridiculous.

i sit here with not an ounce of worry for i am officially done semester one of my senior year. YAY

also, my brother's italian friend who i met at the bar (see previous post for reference) has added me to facebook and while having a pleasant conversation, he asked for my brother's phone number because he changed phones and didn't have it anymore. so i gave it to him with the clever remark "do you want mine too while you're at it? haha just kidding.." and he said "sure! just don't tell dan he might kill me"

so he text messaged me and we texted last night for a few hours.

it was pretty ... weird haha

i had a feeling that once i have the title of "adult" i'd become this force to be reckoned with. and that, i have become =D

alright so this is how my 18th birthday went. and yes i remember everything.

i had Social diploma prep. courses until 9 so my brother picked me up from St.Joes and we stopped at a liquor store and picked up some rye and then we bought some diet coke and ice and then we went to Heather's condo.

there, my brother gave me my birthday present (which was probably more for him in the end haha). he got me an Oasis DVD which we watched while pre-drinking at the condo.

Sari, Sinan, Natalie and Teng then showed up and me and Daniel crammed in the car and we headed to Halo.

Halo is really really cool. my brother bought us all yagger bombs (sp?) which are shots of some kind of alcohol and red bull. they are really expensive but my brother said it's tradition and our parents gave us $165 to spend haha. anyways, so by this time i was pretty intoxicated and Andrea showed up which was cool.

i figured i'm a club person. i enjoy sitting around getting drunk but i really like dancing so me, Teng, Andrea and Natalie danced in a circle and the DJ was playing some pretty wicked songs which i enjoyed. after a little bit of that we crammed into the car (Natalie only had a beer so we weren't drinking and driving!) and headed to Empress on whyte ave. where my brother's friend Greg was having his birthday which i thought was pretty sweet.

so we get to this pub and i sit down and plop my elbow into a million puddles of beer, but by this time i was so fucked i didn't care. let me re-phrase that. i wasn't "so fucked", but i was the drunkest i've ever been in my life, which is a little more drunk than tipsy... enough so that my vision was bouncing off the walls.. i made it clear that i'm a weed kind of girl haha

anyways, so i meet Greg who i've actually met before at the art show but i actually talk to him thanks to social lubricators (alcohol) and he is a really cool guy. we were all talking about his trip to Europe with Teng and he's really funny.

and then i met this guy named Vittorio who actually went to Italian school with my brother like ages ago. we talked a lot. he's currently upgrading but he travelled a lot.. went to New Zealand and Australia, and my brother was saying that he lived in Australia for 6 months or something. this guy is so interesting and pretty cute as well. actually, i mentioned later (to my brother) that he kinda looks like Elijah Wood.

he even bought me a drink. and threw me a couple smiles here and there. he told me he really likes the movie Into The Wild and i mentioned my brother wanted to see that and then he had a brilliant idea that we all go see it! which would be pretty cool...

anyways, it was a little before 2 am when we left and got dropped off back at Heather's condo. me and my brother watched more of the Oasis DVD when i felt like total crap and walked calmly to the bathroom. my brother asking if i was feeling alright and i calmly responded with a no. i embraced the toilet and without much panic (which is totally unusual for me because i hate hate hate throwing up and i always start bawling haha... last time i threw up was 2 years ago in Italy due to severe exhaustion and jet lag) and i threw up. and it smelled like alcohol which made me want to throw up even more.

it was an awesome awesome awesome night.
but if i see or smell alcohol in this next week i will probably hurl. gross

the plan was to go to Black Dog with my brother and his friends. Black Dog is a cool bar which i 've been to before so it would've been sweet to celebrate my 18th there.

However, it burned down last night. which makes me laugh because instances such as this one tend to happen to me.

anyways, i'm taking it as a good thing because i'm going to Halo instead which should be even cooler than Black Dog.

i've seen pictures and it looks like clubs in The Hills. and my brother even knows the guy who designed it.

so i'm even more excited now.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am 18 today. i can call in to radio stations, win the lottery, buy tobacco, go to jail, vote, walk into bars, rent a car, reserve a hotel room, go to pubs and clubs, be on girls gone wild, buy porn, go to a strip club, get tattoos, be kicked out of my house legally, be called for jury service, change my name, open a cheque account/get a VISA card, enter a contract, rent a property in my name, bet on sports/races, get married, sign myself out of class, join the army, and i'm sure there are plenty of other things i can do.

oh, what a world of opportunities!

i was so wanting to write about events of these past days. now i'm too lazy and i've lost all motivation to write those events.

sub-consciously i know it's better to leave it unpublished because .. well because.

or maybe that's just the excuse i'm sticking to because there are a lot of parts i don't really remember.

me and Breanne and a ghost from my past (an attractive one at that) smoked up and there's always little comments that make you laugh and you file it away in the brain and never remember them after that moment.

i wish i could remember. i love things that make me laugh. somehow it's depressing to think that these hilarious comments during a nice blaze are lost in the twilight zone, never to be found again.

as for the ghost of my past. i did not forget that. it's weird. definitely weird.

this is the last position i ever thought i'd be in. it's like fucking with my brain or something. like i've been rewinded.

i don't want it to be like a year ago though. i mean, it's so done! i should be moving on.
i think i'm in though. i think? we haven't discussed it and in no way am i bringing it up. i brought it up the other night when we were texting. i hate talking about it. i force myself to hate it because when i think about it i tend to create a DISASTER.

nobody likes disaster's.

i don't think i'll even mention his name. but it does start with a J.

LOL

January 4, 2008

Amelie was my favorite movie. I jsut watched it while being fully awake and all in one sitting.

I dont know how else to put it, but i am Amelie. I feel as though I am completely connected to her situation.

The way she imagined his hand in the doorway, then to see it was only her cat.
I cried. For her. For me. For the fact that she got him in the end. Their closeness in the end.. i could feel it on my skin.

Although i told myself no resolutions, i feel like i am wasting this opportunity at a new start. it's a false security. new starts can happen at any time in your life. i do not need the digit to increase by one in the year i am presently in to decide what needs fixing in my life. Just to get that straight. Now i can safely make some sort of resolution.
There has to be some trick to making a resolution. Nothing superficial though, it has to be general.

For 2008, my resolution will be to come into my own.

I said general, but it came out rather vague. No one can really be sure of what it means, but that's what's positive about it.

I am certain about this: i am lovesick. it's like i am so obsessed with the idea of love, that i will avoid anything pertaining to it. what an awful realization! what a difficult, lonely life i'll have.

a fish out of water. i need to get back in.

January 9, 2008

stand in the dark and alone. now think of all your worst nightmares.

"I am saddened to say that it is true that many of today's youth do not make an effort to understand that Che was not just a cool picture on the t shirt now available at urban outfitters. But I do not think that anyone has any real reason to dismiss his efforts. I think that anyone who believes so strongly in what they are doing should not be dismissed as "mediocre". He was a great man, whose life was cut short by troops trained by the CIA. He was also a true believer that everyone deserved the best. One of his right hand men told of a time when Che and his troops were crossing the mountains in Argentina. they had some cans of condensed milk, and they were handing them out for dinner. After everyone had received their can, there was one remaining. Che's men offered to give Che the extra can, but he not only refused it, but demanded that it be shared with everyone. he then gave everyone an extra spoonfull of the milk. Though this sounds like a small act, it was typical of his refusal to be glorified. Che Guevara is one of my heros, and to insult him is to insult the belief in the decency of humanity"

"Che's death was announced by the CIA the day before he actually died. In addition his parents lied about his birthdate to hide the fact that he was born out of wedlock. Thus, besides being the most sexy revolutionary of the twentieth century, both his birthday and death day are controversial."

so uh
i was looking for disadvantages on dictatorships. i was looking into Cuba and when i found that Fidel Castro has done nothing but good things for his country, i was dumbfounded.

why is everyone hating on the guy??
i mean, Cuba is so much better off now than it was before Castro came into power. he's been there for 40 bloody years!!! if everyone hated him so much, don't you think he would've been caught and hung by now? like all the other corrupt dictators in human history??

i've also realized that i'm beginning to be interested in Cuban history. a couple years ago i discovered who Che Guevara was, and i immediately loved him, but now i'm learning more and more about Cuba and it's government and stuff, and i just love everything to do with it!

it's too bad i'm done Social for the rest of my life. but that's how it is, i become interested once it's of no use to me.

i wish i was a young adult during the late 60's, early 70's.

recently i was watching an infomercial for this CD collection called Flower Power, songs from the Love Generation. i downloaded about 60 songs from that infomercial and decided i want to be a hippie.

of course there are some things that conflict with this. i, for one, believe strongly that peace is unattainable as long as humans are living. the world cannot progress with conflict. if cave men hadn't challenged each other's beliefs and theories in the Stone Age, where would we be today?

if we didn't have anything to prepare for, how technologically advanced would we be today?

about a week ago, i was brain-drizzling for ideas for my Free Press Ad which will be a part of my portfolio. i was in my room, legs up on the bed, dim lighting, Bob Marley playing in the back, and a pot of tea beside me. i figured that that right there was my zen. i came up with the following idea:

there may be wars and conflicts in the world for as long as we live, but if we each had our cup of tea, there'd be some zen in the world.

just picture yourself here...
You're in the middle of Hiroshima after the atomic bomb, everything's gone and dead. you are the only one standing in the middle of this wasteland. you take a seat in the imaginary chair and prop your legs up on the imaginary table. you take a sip of your tea and you feel it warm your insides as your heart becomes this warm cup of tea.

you are now pleasantly smiling in the presence of a disaster.

so with that said, let's face the fact that world peace is something only the Utopian world holds, and let's figure out a way to put ourselves at peace.. instead of the whole world.

i'm not sure what to do about him yet.

he made me feel SO HAPPY though. and i'm sure he meant every single word. i haven't wanted someone like that in a long time.

I just watched Highway, starring Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal and Selma Blair. with some Jeremy Piven parts. my favorite character was Pilot, played by Jake. and it is now one of my favorite movies. FAVORITE MOVIE I'M TELLING YOU!

Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.
Jack Hayes: No.
Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.
Jack Hayes: Go.
Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?
Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.
Pilot Kelson: Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star.

---

[as he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda]
Jack Hayes: Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!

---

Johnny the Fox: A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!

---

Pilot Kelson: You are one daffy invididual!

---

Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.

---

Pilot Kelson: [after the alligator boy screams] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow

---

Pilot Kelson: Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener

---

Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys

---

Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.
Pilot Kelson: Go.
Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?
Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.
Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?
Pilot Kelson: Piiilot.
Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?
Pilot Kelson: Forever.
Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.

---

Jack Hayes: You bang her yet man?
Pilot Kelson: Not even close... if "Bangher" was an island off the coast of the Carribean, me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey

---

Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?
Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...

---

Pilot Kelson: [telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?

---

Pilot Kelson: So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know?
[laughs]
Pilot Kelson: Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?

---

Shanks: [walks up to Pilot] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick?
[touches Pilot's lips]
Shanks: Like to suck it?

---

Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!
Shanks: [turns to Jack] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?

---

Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.
Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called 'Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.

Anarchism

I think young generations steer towards anarchy, because people come to an age where they want independence and more freedom. I think it's valid for people to feel this way but there would be absolute chaos without some sort of government or authority. It is human nature to want more than an individual already has, so this Utopian idea of anarchism is not possible. There needs to be some sort of authority in charge to keep things in order and safe. It's easy to want an anarchy because very rarely do we see genuine governments and leaders that have support from all the people. There is always a flaw in the current government s that people tend to focus on, leading them to be unhappy with any decision made by that government. This may cause them to believe that no government at all would make them happy. When in fact, no government would be worse than a leader who may abuse his power. Governments ensure safety and security of the people. Judicial systems are established, as well as police and hospitals.. basically everything needed to live.

I feel very strongly about the need for government. Anarchism could never work because humans aren't perfect.

i've always liked Red Hot Chili Peppers
but ever since i read that book, i think i will love them for the rest of my life.

i love how fun and out of control they are. i watch some of their music videos and you can tell they don't take things seriously, they're just there for the fun. and i love that.

they all seem to have their quirks to add.

and i can't forget how attractive Anthony Kiedis is. i have to include Flea, Chad and John Frusciante too!

ever since i watched Pulp Fiction, i've been obsessed with that style. it's so classic. movies are ridiculously influential. and music. films and music = totally influential.

i become a totally new person with every new film i watch or every new band i listen to. i go through these mind phases, i like to call them, where i have a mini epiphany until the next band or film i experience. for instance, after listening to Enya, Pilate or Coldplay, i become this philosophical persona. and ten minutes later i can listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers and decide to live life on the edge. whereas, after i listen to Mute Math i attain this chill, easygoing laid back ego. but then i listen to The Shins and become a green tea drinking, exercise loving, peace loving freak. after listening to some Justice, MSTRKRFT or Tiesto, i have this care-free nutso mind-set.

as for movies, i can watch Pulp Fiction and create an aura made of pure gold and bask in it's classiness. then i watch Garden State and become the same person i become when i listen to Coldplay or Pilate. watching Amelie is my favorite because i get so incredibly inspired and i get all artsy. instead, watching Requiem For A Dream creates a risky mind-set. but i become a hopeless romantic after watching Across The Universe.

you can see where i find it difficult to define who i really am. but it doesn't bother me so much. i love that movies and music do that to me. it's like putting on clothes in the morning.. what are my characteristics going to be today?

it's awesome.

as for new years resolution, mine is to have none. because i never follow through. i usually get everything done when i don't plan on it, so things should go smoothly if i don't plan or force them to.

for a few weeks now i've known deep down my calling, or destiny, on this earth. i haven't shared it yet so here it is, my declaration:

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY.

there it is. my future, what i have been/will be striving for.
that's a pretty stressful thing for me to say, it makes me anxious. and nervous, but excited.

i think what i really want is to make people feel a certain way after they watch a film, just how films do it for me.

dear dirty laundry,

today i gathered a few white bed sheets and some funny looking chairs, the tripod and my tool of the trade (Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT), and with the cement floor and superb lighting in the basement, i snapped some shots.

earlier i studied a whole section in my Biology Key and in the unit review test i scored 83%!

on Driv3r i discovered a yacht in the middle of the ocean in Miami and i could open doors on it and everything, it was really nice, but nothing exciting, as i walked around with my gun prepared for people who clearly weren't there.

Heather came back from Hawaii today, she stole my brother away for the night so i'm here by my lonesome. i went into the basement and saw the "photoshoot" still in tact. the bed sheet on the floor... the bed sheet hanging on the back of two chairs... a funny looking chair in the center of attention as it was my muse at the time. i saw the tripod in it's position and i didn't feel lonely anymore.

that's what i want to do for the rest of my life.

if all computer systems were abolished, would the internet still exist ?


i studied for 5 hours today and i plan on the next 5 hours of studying, playing Driv3er, and relaxing. the next few days will consist of just these things.

on New Years Eve, December 31, i had a blood and urine test taken. icky
i didn't black out this time. i'm going to change my layout i think.
anyway, my appointment was at 9:15 in the morning, so naturally i went home afterwards and fell back to sleep. in those 2 hours i had the following dream.
i was at this house that had about 6 floors and i was staying there for a few days. now please take into consideration that this is a dream and it was a few days ago so things might be a little mixed up. i am recalling what i remember even if it didnt happen in this order. (not that anyone can prove me wrong or anything ha). so i unpack all my clothes and i have a ton of them. and i think my family had a lot of members sleeping in all the different rooms of this enormous house. and i think i had this huge musclehead boyfriend who played football (if you watch The Real World: Sydney, he resembles Dunbar. icky). anyways, i think he died at one point on the muddy field and i fell in love with someone else. and then back at the house there was a funeral for a stuffed animal and everyone attended that i have ever met or seen. the stuffed animal was laying in bed and there was this girl i know from dance who was in the bed too (but alive). after this weird funeral thing, my real family left from the parking lot and as we drove up the ramp there was a girl standing on the edge of the ramp and she was holding a gun to her head. it was 6:01 pm on New Years Eve (in the dream) and she jumped off and shot herself in mid-air. and i started bawling. in the dream my eyes were squeezed tight and i was crying.
i didn't know the girl but i woke up crying.

WEIRD.

2007 in a nutshell

JAN / 07
01 - not without coups. not without coups baby. my msn only works if i say fuck in my sentence.
02 - i am in love with him.
04 - i am without wisdom. i am swell. it won't stop bleeding. and i love Entourage.
05 - day one of my 12-day plan. i love Entourage.
09 - screw the 12-day plan. the earth is a mess and so are the people living in it.
10 - MY TEXT MESSAGING WORKS. wow i miss you.
12 - i'm sucha computer nerd.
13 - YES. i got permission from Jamie to steal her dirty laundry.
18 - biology studying? exceptionally well. biology final exam? exceptionally well. course change? Mr F for french YESSS
19 - listening does not mean agreeing.
21 - why yes, i am quite cynical when it comes to love.
22 - might as well call me Chandler and maybe i want to be immature. oh yeah, the math test..
24 - i just pulled out 30 eyelashes. that can't be good. there are some really beautiful people in this world.
25 - happy birthday to me. first person i talked to on this day? William Wynnyk. i am doomed.
26 - i definitely feel the Holy Spirit. do you?
27 - DAMN it's a good feeling knowing you're over someone. that shit was stupid.
29 - i think i have a Fever. HAHA wow i'm mildly lame..

FEB / 07
01 - semester two begins. this time, i'll have different motives and strategies. ones that lead to success.. possibly.
02 - "i'll show you mine if you show me yours first. let's compare scars, i'll tell you whose is worse." WHY DO I SEE THIS EVERYWHERE
04 - i am so ill i want to die. i wish i had a huge comfy rolly computer chair with armrests. like the villians in those tv shows.
06 - says she got it all, says she got it all, says got it. i don't wanna be the one to tell her that she don't.
08 - i love Headlights. i'm feeling light-headed.
11 - *sigh* four hours later and he's the cutest thing on the face of this earth. and i'm not scared to admit it. + my myspace profile looks so sweet. i am pleased.
12 - YESSS i have a valentine !! and his name is Jordan
13 - what happened to being straight with people and telling them straight up instead of broadcasting things in a clever way on their pages. like fuck.
17 - i am amazing. i got me and Will tickets to see The Killers in May. WHOO
18 - being caught in the middle sucks. i'm starting to hate high school. drama should only be for television. i'm considering a job as a director or something in film.
21 - what happened to please and thank you's ? you know, they're those things called manners ?? or maybe even a simple sincere act of appreciation.
24 - maybe i'm on a roll. and maybe i like it. maybe i might even love it. and to The OC : always remembered means never forgotten; rest in fucking peace.
25 - maybe i'm missing the point entirely.
27 - it was cute. to say the least.
28 - last day of February. i watched ANTM. my favorite is definitely Jael. and Kathleen made me laugh. too bad she's gone.

MAR / 07
01 - ahhhh controversy =) i am proposing a toast at Julie and Mark's wedding when they decide to get married. i'm pretty excited.
02 - 15 hours of driver's education with Brittany!! WHOO!!!
03 - 15 hours of in class driver's ed finally fucking done. i swear contemplated suicide.
06 - i love Alyssa with possibly my entire heart. and tumbleweed as well
07 - i think a change in setting and atmosphere is definitely needed for me at this time. i'm so bored
08 - i can't breathe.
09 - season finale of Dancelife. OH NO
10 - i want to marry Mortal Kombat. and make babies with it.
12 - hold your math book and feel the vibrations.
13 - awesome work out today. i'm quite proud of myself. LOCKDOWN. at least .. i'll.. die.. happ.. y
15 - what a day i tell ya. what a day. my fingers fucking HURT
21 - y'know i'm pretty speechless right now
23 - why do movies get to me. i mean, WHO CRIES FOR THE LITTLE GIANTS. i re-arranged the decor in my bedroom again. there is something seriously wrong with me.
25 - i love Beverly and the person who lives in it. B<3
27 - I HAVE LONG HAIR. compliments of Breanne. it's snowing. and my mom washed the windows yesterday LOL
29 - you know it's couture if you can see nipples.
30 - Will Ferrell day.
31 - FUCK how depressing. so depressing. Sam Roberts is kind of attractive. i love when people smoke cigarettes in movies.

APR / 07
01 - 8 hours of television. yessss. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS.
02 - my heart hurts.
05 - long time. i miss Pablo with my whole heart.
07 - i saw 300 it was amazing amazing amazing and now i'm bored. i thin k it could be destructive.
08 - why is easter on a different day every year. i feel so restricted. i'll break it to him when he gets back i'm thinking. i'm still totally & completely confused.
10 - SNOW PATROL AND OK GO ARE FUCKING AWESOME
11 - why do i feel like the biggest idiot in the world. FUCK, that was so totally uncalled for.
12 - i love those Malteser commercials. SO CUTE
13 - it's Friday the 13th and all i can think of is "light up, light up". but not sung by Snow Patrol...
14 - happy crime anniversary. WHOO
18 - i think it's really funny how all his friends hate me LOL
20 - 4/20 !!! blaze
21 - i didn't know soap could run so fast.
26 - "you've got blackmail". PABLO called me last night! ahhh he makes me so happy.
27 - anxiety.... GOD i hate that lonely feeling. get friendly with a pipe.
28 - i'm liking this niche.
29 - there is a huge mother fucking mosquito in my room and i'm afraid it's going to suck me to death one of these days. why can't we have summer weather instead of summer PESTS.

MAY / 07
02 - "let's get some shoes"... walking in Zellers with Olga and Breanne. can't believe i said that. DAMN what is UP with the new techno/rave crazeeee?!
03 - starting over
04 - bomb threat! crazzzy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BREANNA I LOVE YOU
07 - AHH we can't find Baby =(
11 - another bomb threat. and i lost my bus pass. when you're stuck on a roof you realize how much you take the ground for granted.
13 - i hate immature fags who play immature games and think they're real cool.
14 - i've never been so smitten before. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PABLO I LOVE YOU come back to edmonton i miss you =(
18 - third evacuation. this is crazy. Shrek 3 kinda sucks.
19 - get friendly with a pipe.
21 - i love Enrique Iglesias.
22 - fourth evacuation.
23 - THE KILLERS WITH BREANNA> BEST TIME OF MY LIFE, COULDNT ASK FOR A BETTER EVENING.
24 - my head weighs about 50 lbs., i can't speak. i hate being sick !
30 - i am painstakingly consistantly inconsistant. and mighty impulsive ! oh no!
31 - THIEF!

JUN / 07
01 - oh glorious sun, how i love Beverly Hills 90210. i need an 80 GB pod immediately or i may have a breakdown.
02 - two J's.
06 - i love where i'm at right now. i did the right thing a while back.
07 - what's resin? protein. plastic. ok so plastic or protein.
09 - my brother has pretty sweet friends. Oliver designed his own pipe. got into a bar with Rachelle's ID =) Kelsey has a sweet penthouse, Jeff has a sweet room. and he's cute.
13 - why are you all up in my koolaid when you dont even know my flava?
15 - i handed in my resume, ten minutes later got a call for an interview, went to the interview and got hired. all under an hour. where, you ask? SECOND CUP.
19 - done done done done done done done done done done done done done done YAY.
21 - i love my brother. i've worked 13.5 hours in the past 2 days. i won't see my brother 'til August 30 =(
22 - i want some eggos. it's 4 pm in London right now... a five dollar bill flew away at drive-thru, i forgot the lid on the blender twice, and i dealt with angry customers. i wish i was with my brother =(
23 - i'm listening to ABBA. and i'm loving it. i work with an Edward Norton look-a-like. heaven.
27 - i've been thinkin 'bout my doorbell, when you gonna ring it?

JUL / 07
03 - i'm back =)
05 - i love that. i've made someone feel better about their situation.
09 - blonde. haven't felt this way since i was 15.
13 - it's Friday. first paycheck yeah. almost 500 bucks !
15 - Mark Wahlberg should marry me.
21 - came back from Vancouver yesterday. rainy all week but fun nonetheless.
22 - i am currently a thousand-aire. because of this, i'm sure i will be taken advantage of soon.
23 - lemon detox here we go.
25 - it better fucking be uphill from here.
27 - day 5. oh god.
31 - a cousin was born today. his name's Adriano.

AUG / 07
04 - my dad is 60 today.
06 - most things i do are a result of complete procrastination.
09 - oh my goodness! i graduate next year. who on earth am i going to go to PROM with?!?!
10 - i just scheduled my first tanning session. i've given in to the pressures of the media.
11 - i have just discovered the meaning of life. his name is Neil Cicierega.
14 - i have a crush on a Jahova's Witness, i make coffee for a hustler and the Hills is through the roof dramatic.
15 - by the time September 1st rolls by, i will have worked 229.5 hours this summer. times that by 8 and you will see how rich i really am. not including tips, thank you very much.
20 - it's ironic how one's name was Fidel, and yet did not possess a morsel of fidelity within his being.
22 - SUPERBAD. Michael Cera is pretty cute.
24 - i'm ready for a total rearrange.
27 - a little getting used to... never hurt anyone.
28 - is it possible that i'm in love someone on the other side of this country?
29 - sometimes i think, that in the future, i will do something totally absolutely completely insane, out of character, out of this world crazy, that it will determine the rest of my life from that moment on.
30 - it hasn't really occurred to me until now,

SEP / 07
02 - i love my brother. best nerd dancer hands down.
03 - two different emotions found on opposite sides of the spectrum, sometimes i'm not sure which side is worse.
07 - i'm not sure anymore. that is, i'm not sure who.
10 - the french man asked my name and tipped me a dollar.
11 - "i am totally in it right now."
14 - we got high and drunk in a boat in the west end. special people were involved.
16 - the search for random always finds me the best, music that is.
18 - student driver no more!
19 - procrastination levels are at an all time high.
22 - i am an imperfectionist. that's what i learned from reading my sweater.
23 - hype machine = life saver.
24 - there was a bomb threat in Beverly Hills 90210 today. i can totally relate.
26 - saw Tyler at northgate again. i miss him.
27 - i'm so lovesick. and i have been for awhile. i think about him all the time =(
29 - my mom is the only person who e-mails me. i love her.

OCT / 07
01 - why do girls have to wear extra long extensions, and straighten them incredibly straight. it looks so fake.. what happened to the natural look ?
03 - club fit is my new best friend. it's just so easy.
05 - i almost died when Drew was drifting tonight.
09 - oh well what can you do. it was worth a try.
10 - i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.
12 - only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.
17 - i'm working on it. 30 all the way down to 18.
20 - Jim Sturgess <3
25 - happy right here.
31 - it's Halloween. i not only dressed, but i also acted as myself today. didn't even straighten my hair.

NOV / 07
03 - Fernando Pisani came through our drive thru today. and i took his order. OMG.
07 - a confidence booster.
08 - extreme measures are crucial right now. my future is at stake and i won't let it wash away like the many tears i cried tonight.
11 - planning doesn't help the execution of dreadful things, so i created the Fleeting Second Method... a hopeful mindset.
12 - Kenny Wormald makes me weak in the knees.
13 - who will be our modern day revolutionary?
18 - crystal beaches never turned me on.
19 - i'm so excited for Grad now.
20 - i was invisible today. motion censored doors wouldn't even open for me.
23 - People like myself should never be given the opportunity to analyze and figure out their feelings. Especially publicly.
26 - high school is a joke. and so are the people. i can't wait for it to be over.
29 - i didn't know butterflies came out in the winter time. but they did.

DEC / 07
01 - complication is my claim to fame.
02 - my brother is 22 today. my mother is 51. happy birthday!
05 - it'll happen. and when it does, i won't ever feel like this again.
06 - hot chocolate everyday.
07 - he was the nicest he's ever been. i felt like i had a true friend.
14 - hopefully on my own in a new setting, next year.
17 - lame lame lame. the only person i have emotional attachment to at this point is BB.
18 - i can't put the book down. i love you, Anthony Kiedis.
22 - emotional attachment, OH NO! lol
26 - i worked a lot on my children's book today. i really really really love AK. he's my favorite famous person right now.
27 - i finished Scar Tissue today.
30 - i started reading 'Che'.
31 - i didn't pass out this time! .. i'm talking about the blood test.

Aquarius - Wednesday December 26, 2007

Your intuition has probably been very strong of late, and you may have even had some very powerful dreams recently. You shouldn't be afraid to figure out where you'd like to go and then follow your intuition in the coming days to help you get there.

Christmas went well. i cannot use my phone as a conversation starter, that's for sure, because i got a new one that doesn't need a bobby pin antenna. i got the GOLD LG shine phone. yes, it's gold. most people think its hideous, i, for one, think it's incredible. reminds me of the 60s, pulp fiction era, old fashioned.. gold brick. very classy.

today me and Daniel went to Heather's empty condo to do some work. we used her scanner to scan my big sketches for my children's book. he showed me how to do different stuff on Adobe InDesign to edit my sketches. it's really sweet and i finished the basic edits. i still have to add color and play around with text and stuff. i can't wait.
after spending about three hours there, we went to Phobulous, a vietnamese restaurant. it was really good. then we came home and watched some tv, read a little bit, i worked some more on my portfolio while watching Good Will Hunting.

i think Breanne might sleep over tomorrow night. and we can finally watch American History X, i've been wanting her to see it for SO long because it's one of my favorites, but i want to see it with her so she's been waiting a while.

i'm not really sure what else to write. the best things come unexpectedly, so next time i have some sort of crazy idea, i'll write it in my GOLD LG shine cellphone notepad and save it =)

Breanne gave me my Christmas present today. i opened it at home and inside the box was a really really sweet cover for my iPod and a huge book on Che Guevara. once i'm done reading Scar Tissue, i'll start reading Che. i can't wait.

the best part of the present, however, was the card. it was a picture of us that was photoshopped so it didn't really look like us. on it, this is was typed:

"For the hidden depths of dusty parkades and the highest rooftops beside the sun,
For apple perfume and perpetual matching
For Brenda and Kelly, Steve and Brandon
And maybe a little for Dylan,
For memories and motives, and of course for Mortal Kombat:
The world is ours for the taking,
and only your mom will stop us!"

the hidden depths of dusty parkades refers to our smoking spot in the Kingsway parking lot
the highest rooftops beside the sun refers to the time we climbed onto the roof of her garage and sunbathed.. and later got stuck on the roof.
the apple perfume refers to the candy apple perfume we were introduced to at Sears.
the perpetual matching refers to our similarities. people have called us twins/sisters before.
the Brenda, Kelly, Steve, Brandon and Dylan refer to the characters on Beverly Hills 90210, a show she introduced to me, and a show we are equally obsessed with.
Mortal Kombat refers to our matches in the game on Sega.
and my mom in there refers to how strict she is.

to conclude, the poem is really good and very touching. i laughed and wanted to cry and i love her.

it's been ok.

i found a book that i am totally obsessed with. it's called Scar Tissue, story of the life of Anthony Kiedis. i've made a vow to myself that i will always have a book to read. i really miss reading, i used to do a lot of it. and my life just seems more complete when i can look forward to a good read.

i did more Christmas shopping these past weeks than i have in my whole life. i have been de-scrooged, in a way. not that i don't like Christmas (because it is by far my favorite holiday during my favorite season), but i used to be so commercial about it. the presents and all. my mom has taken away my presents and i didn't even care. i just love Christmas so much that it's not even about presents anymore. i love the excitement and anticipation. and the snow outside and the drive to my aunt's for Christmas dinner.

i was sitting on the bus one morning last week, reading Scar Tissue and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers on random. i got to a part where Anthony Kiedis was feeling depressed in his car and he started writing a song right then. he wrote the lyrics and just as i started reading the lyrics (Under The Bridge), the song was on and as my brain interpreted the words on the page, it also interpreted the words i was hearing. it was a complete coincidence that gave me the biggest smile. i love Anthony Kiedis.

as for my current personal relationships. i can safely and confidently say that Breanne is my best friend. i haven't been able to call someone a best friend in awhile. i'm kind of walk through the hallways of my school as un-distinguished. i'm definitely not those out there type of people, i'm not cut out for that constant bubbliness of a life, and i don't really go out of my way for people. i just stick to my own, do my own stuff and move on. and i'm happy that Breanne and me have become as close as we have. i think it's important to have something like that for me. and she's not ditzy or shallow. she's definitely got a deep personality and she's into light-hearted fun. we're very similar and the differences we have only help by presenting other perspective's on things. we can be very philosophical sometimes and then we can be completely not.

for example, we were at Kingsway mall and i was buying my mom some vacuum bags at Sears. the lady working in the Vacuum department was ridiculously gorgeous.. here is the conversation that followed:

Christine- i don't understand when good looking people work in shitty places.
Breanne- maybe it's a part time job.. but she really is good looking.
Christine- yeah she really is. i don't think there's anything wrong with her.
Breanne- everyone has something wrong with them.. and if there isn't, they always find something.
Christine- i think she's perfect.
Breanne- i'll find something...
(after talking to her)
Breanne- her mouth.
Christine- her mouth? are you kidding me? whats wrong with it?
Breanne- it protrudes a little bit
Christine- i think it contributes to how gorgeous she is. if all her features were standardly beautiful, she wouldn't be that attractive.
Breanne- yeah i guess you're right. bitch.

i guess i have emotional attachment to Breanne. see, i was thinking about how if i get into ACAD next year and move to Calgary, it wouldn't be difficult because i don't really have any emotional attachment to anyone. and then i evaluated my friendship with Breanne, and it definitely is something i would miss.. she kinda grew on me and i didn't even realize it.

i spent $70 on her Christmas present... i don't think i've ever spent that much on a friend. but i guess that's what happens when you're employed haha..

as for men. i think it's important in a relationship with a guy that silence is comfortable. silence says a lot if you think about it. comfortable silences say that the two separate parties don't feel the need to entertain one another constantly. it has a bigger impact i think.
anyways.. there's always someone i think about more often than not, but like most of the time, it goes away in a few months, nothings ever permanent, it seems. it can be unfortunate.

but to look on the brighter side, it's Christmas eve eve in about two minutes!

Your heartbeat is pulsing at night in your chest
It's gold and it's glowing with all the life you have left
I received your words from hospitals where you felt alone
Your words like smoke, they made me sick but they kept me warm

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias

Your eyes are like sea glass, so weathered and worn
From all they've seen of adolescence torn
The lovers who have tainted you, they pulled you into the night
They touched your skin with velvet gloves and made you feel alive

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

You are weathered and worn
Your petals soft and torn
The fading color
You have bent your shoulders
To hold the weight of the world
You will surely shatter

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

"Ready for a role reversal in a relationship? You're about to realize the tides have changed."

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

there are some things in this world that, even though you want to find flaws within, are purely joyful. they're those things, objects, people or moments that if even for a minute, seem incomprehensibly irreplacable.

He simply said i was pretty, said he'd always be there for me. She went shopping with me, we laughed, we watched television together and talked about the random things in this world that make it so unique yet beautiful.
sitting here, curled up on my couch with genetics worksheets on my lap, i cannot help but sing out loud the lyrics to all my favorite Coldplay songs. That is, precisely, when i realized those joyful moments in life. it may feel like the world is on my shoulders. it may feel like i have no escape, like i have a million things i should be doing. it may feel like my whole life is determined in this one short year but i sit nice and warm on my couch and sing. i sing loud so potential passerbys can hear these pure words and know that within those walls there is a girl who despite the wrongs in life, is experiencing bliss that nobody can take away from her.

it was then i realized how incredibly amazing Coldplay is. their melodies, and lyrics, the paino, drums, his voice, seem so unlike anything else in this world. who is so in touch with emotions and humans to be able to put such ridiculously powerful words together? if ones heart could talk, it would recite Coldplay lyrics.

some songs create an image in my mind of someplace or someone, and despite the bitter or resentful feelings that lay so close to my surface, i feel happy. the sadness is suddenly not so bad.

the songs spark emotion in me and whatever emotion it is, it's OK. it's been years and for words and harmonies to still give me a sense of self, of surroundings, of my heart, of my mind... it's something that cannot be expressed in words. it must be experienced.

Come on can’t I dream for one day
There’s nothing that can’t be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone

I’ve lived through my share of misfortune
And I’ve worked in the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone.

Because it’s dragging me down
I’d like to know about when
When does it all turn around

Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never.
Can I break the spell of the typical.
The typical
I’m just the typical
Can I break the spell of the typical

i weighed myself this morning. i lost 5 pounds =D

we texted until 2 in the morning and he said the sweetest things that gave me butterflies. is that weird??
i've known him for over 3 years and we liked each other the summer before grade 9 and i kind of shut him down when i told him i liked someone else. our relationship was the never the same after that.. it's always on and off. i can never really trust him because he's played with my head in the past. a lot of the time he would just tell me mean things and i'd tell him to fuck off, only to be talking to him a few months later.

then i realized he's only telling me the truth and i didn't want to believe it so i told him to fuck off.

he's being really nice and i really like talking to him. he even said i was pretty.

i had my first personal conversation with God two nights ago.

he was there for me

i felt like i had two true friends today. and that's the best feeling in the world.

after school i went shopping with Breanne and bought myself a pair of dark brown boots, a pair of really nice jeans, and a dark purple paisley scarf *love*

then at 4 i went to work and so did Breanne. after work i went to her house until 11 and we just watched television and talked.

she's someone i truly love. when i'm with her, it's just like.. amazing. we always have so much to talk about and it's so much fun. she has all the best qualities a friend could ask for, and she is an awesome person to consult when having important text conversations.

which brings me to Brian. today he made me so happy.
do you ever get those moments when you feel like pond scum and then the right person says the right thing at that moment??
thats what Brian did, i was ridiculously sad, and he sent me a text right before i could have had a breakdown. we talked and i told him i was lonely, he said he was too.

this morning he asked me if i was still sad. he told me he would give me a hug and that me and him are tight friends. he said he'll always be there for me and i'll always be there for him. and then he told me if i ever need to talk i can call him.

i hadn't felt so happy in a very long time.

Domenico got kicked off!!! if i was Tila, which fortunately i am not, i would have kept him until the very end.

he was so cool and literally, ridiculously cute.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
-i thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

...i completely failed to be a best friend and i ruined something that some people wish they could have.
wouldn't it be nice if we could blame every problem we have on something out of our control? i need to take control of my situations, problems, difficulties, flaws etc. so i can fix them.

i've been by myself. it's odd. i came home today totally happy, telling myself that "i don't rely on anyone, and no one relies on me."
and then it hits me. i walk into my room and he had sent me a text message asking if i wanted to talk today.
hell yes i do. i want to talk to my best friend who lives on the other side of the country because i know he'll make me feel better.

one day i'll have that. it'll happen one day and i won't ever have to feel like this again.

i wish he still lived here so we could fall in love with each other.

my horoscope said "time to stop making excuses for someone. just because you want them to be a good person doesnt mean they are." this would have been completely accurate one year ago.

i'm not sure of myself. i really never was. i'm this alien to everyone. i've created this life in my mind, this world of pre-conceived notions about everyone. i think people are who i expect them to be, when they're really not. it makes me awkward and i can't have decent conversations because i make them this big intimidating person in my world.

he intimidates me. i can barely look at him in the face when i see him.. although i wish i could stare all day long. he doesn't know what he's missing, but he will.

i used to think better of him, and on some level i still do think the same of him, but it's like there's this force field or something. i turn red and feel like i may break into hives.

i could stare at him all day

he told me he wants to meet me again. i told him he will. and he said, "i know i will, and then i'll show you how i feel about you."

Montreal is so far away when you're as little and helpless as me.

it's me.

i am watching Jumanji with my brother. it's an ok movie. before that i finished watching Babel. i'm not really sure how to interpret that movie. it seemed a little bit pointless, i definitely wasn't everything i thought it would be.
a movie i really want to see is Green Street Hooligans but i can't find it anywhere. it's upsetting. i really hate that. there's a bunch of movies i would love to see, and once i get to the movie store, i can't seem to think of any of them. and the one movie i remember every single time, they never have.

me, my brother and Jocelyn rented Babel Thursday night. she bought me a lollipop. i still haven't finished it. i like to consider it a working progress.

i also started reading this book that my mom just finished reading. it's called "Eat, Pray, Love." about a woman who moves to Italy for four months to eat, then moves to India for four months to meditate, and then to Indonesia for four months where she meets her new husband. i forgot to mention that this travelling all takes place after her divorce, and it's all a true story. i really like it so far. i recommend it to you, whoever is reading this.

my mom says the only way i'll be comfortable with speaking Italian is if she sends me there by myself for 3 months. i've been there 7 times before, and i know how to speak it, but i never speak it. i get shy and i hate messing up so i don't really like speaking it. i would totally go to Italy by myself for 3 months under these conditions: 1) i had someone direct me through airports because they're intimidating and i'd get lost in Frankfurt for SURE, 2) i didn't visit family the whole time.

by the second condition, i mean i would want to go all over Italy, and not just stay in my mom's town where my family and friends are. that's when i tend to bottle up and not show my personality. i'm just afraid my family won't understand who i am if i attempted to show my personality more than i already do.

plus, when i'm in Italy i always wish i could meet people and flirt, you know, but my friends in Tuenno are all so tightly knit and everyone knows everyone so if i even attempted to get close with one of the guys, the whole town may find out by the next morning.

on another note, i had my graduation photos yesterday. it started with me really not wanting to go, i showed up with a nice shirt and then i had sweatpants tucked into my soccer socks on the bottom. i refused to take full body shots. the make up artist sat me down and powered my face. and all the while i was thinking about the particles of oil and grease and skin cells of the previous person nesting into my own skin.

but once it came down to it, i was sitting in front of the camera with all lights on me and she gave me a mirror and i couldn't believe how awesome i looked. my last picture i had the hat on and she passed me a mirror to see me with the hat and i half-gawked at my reflection. i looked really good, and i looked like a graduate. neither of those realizations i couldn't bring myself to believe.

she took about twenty shots. now i just need to graduate.