my autobiography

Part 1: How I Came To Be
Were you a planned baby?: yeah definitely
Were you the first?: nope second and last
Were your parents married when you were born?: fo sho
Whens your birthday?: January 25, 1990

Part 2: My Family
How would you describe your family?: Dysfunctional haha. in a totally good way
Are your parents married, divorced or separated?: married for 25 years
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: youngest
Did you wish you had any other siblings?: nope. my brother is everything i need. literally
Which parent do you get along with best?: haha definitely my dad. but i need my mom more.
Do you have step parents?: nope

Part 3: The Friends
Do you have more than one best friend?: fo sho
Who is your best friend?: umm i have some in Beverly.. some from dance
Do you share the same interests?: not exactly
Which friend can you tell anything to?: Breanna, although i don't see her much
Whos the shyest friend you have?: ummm.. probably Julie
Whos the funniest friend you have?: probably Lauren or Breanna haha
Who can always make you laugh?: all of them. but Lauren stands out for this particular question

Part 4: Your Personality
How high/low is your self esteem?: depends, but in general, it's high
Do you get depressed about things easily?: not as much as i used to
Are you happy?: i'd like to think so
Do you live life to the fullest?: no. my mother prevents that from happening haha
Do you regret anything?: little things, yes
Are you funny?: in a dumb silly way i suppose
Are you shy?: not as much as i used to be
Are you loud? when am i not loud?

Part 5: Appearance
Are you comfortable with the way you look?: most of the time yeah
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: nope
How do you dress?: i wear clothes. and i love sleeveless hoodies =)
Are you tall or short?: tall
What colour is your hair? naturally dirty blonde
What colour are your eyes?: hazel
Do you wear makeup?: yes...not whole lot though

Part 6: The Past
Were you a strange child?: yes, actually i really was. a trouble maker too
Do you have the same friends?: yeah pretty much, except new friends have been added
Was there anything in your past that changed you from then to now?: umm.. probably travelling. it gave me bigger and better perspective on things.. and also meeting the people of that culture changed me a lot.

Part 7: The Future
What is your ambition?: to be some sort of designer.. and just be be able to find happiness with whatever i'm doing
Do you want to get married?: depends. sometimes yes, sometimes no
Do you want to have kids?: no. they're a pain the ass. but that may change as i grow older lol
How many?: well if i have one, i definitely wanna have a companion for that kid, so two at the most. preferably an older boy and younger girl.
What would you like to name them?: well for a boy i love the name Beniamino (Benjamin in Italian), and for a girl i love the names Penelope and Finley

Part 8: The Outdoors
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: both
What is your favorite season: i love all of them
Favorite weather?: really sunny. or sun showers
Do you like walking in the rain?: definitely

Part 9: Food
Are you a vegetarian?: impossible
What is your favorite food?: pizza and ice cream. chinese food.. italian food. haha lots
What food makes you want to gag?: i haven't come across any so far
What is your favorite dessert?: creme brulee and Tiramisu
What is your favorite restaurant?: i don't eat out enough to have a favourite. but i really like Quizno's
Are you a fussy eater: yeah i think so

Part 10: Relationships and Love
Are you single or taken?: i am taken
If taken who is the lucky boy/girl?: myself =)
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: no
Do you believe in love at first sight?: not at all.

can you pay my automo'bills

good for nothing type of brother Silly me, why haven't I found another A baller, when times get hard he's the one to help me out instead of, a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about

lethal injection

i just watched the hanging of Saddam Hussein on you tube. all i have to say is that i don't think anyone should get hanged no matter what they did. i mean, i thought hanging was something that happened only a long time ago, i thought they didn't do that kind of thing nowadays. it made me sad to watch him standing there as they talked to him and as they covered his neck with the black cloth, and when they put the rope around his neck. i mean, what could possibly be going through your mind at that point in time? walking up to the rope and seeing it go around your head. up to the point where you know in about seconds the floor below you is going to open up and you only have air underneath you and arope holding you up. what could possibly be going through your head at that point? i can't even wrap my mind around that concept. i know i probably wouldn't be thinking of God, or my family. i can't think whether i'd be crying my eyes out or so shocked i wouldn't be feeling any sort of emotion whatsoever. knowing me, i'd probably think of all the bad things in life and have the mind-set that it's really better to die than to live in this world along with all the bad things that i would think up. i know it's a bad way to think, but i'm just saying exactly what i would probably do under those kind of circumstances. i wouldn't be able to think positively. how could you ever think of something positive? you're about to die for fuck sakes. if you think positive, you'll just become even more saddened by the fact that life really is so good and that it would be the worst most awful thing to die then.. especially that way. i don't think he should've been hanged. lethal injection would have been the way to go...

feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace

so it's january 1st hey. and considering i can say that the first five hours of 2007, i was talking to Jordan on MSN, it should be a rather good year. also, the fact that i did have a spoonful of lentils last night is a very positive thing.it's kind of a tradition for my whole family on New Years. after midnight rolls around, my aunt brings down the lentils, and we all have some for good luck and money in the new year. i never had any last year 'cause it looked nasty, but i had some this year. i mean, the way things are going, this year might've been one of the worst definitely. between horrible school marks, getting dumped by one of the coolest guys i've ever met, going through hell trying to get over one of the coolest guys i've ever met, Smokey dying, that April incident, getting caught up in a huge mess for four months with someone who obviously doesn't have the same feelings, realizing that i should leave that mess of four months behind in 2006 and start new for this year, and i guess Italy was good but since i'm trying desperately to be negative here to earn some of your sympathy and prove that this year was in fact awful in more ways than just a few, it would have been better if my brother came along and i didn't have to go just with my mother.
i guess the fact that i am still living and breathing and experiencing no pain neither emotional or physical, i can say that this year just might go fairly well.

but beginnings are a bitch in the way that they always seem to be peachy....

fetal position

Leigha is over and we watched Garedn State and then Requiem For A Dream.

i sat there watching it. and there's this one point where there's these two guys hospitalizing the old lady who's so fucked up on some form on drugs that she took for dieting, and here she is, with this life story about her husband dying and her son who's into drugs and this whole fixation on television, and losing weight to fit in her red dress. she's a fuckin mess, and these guys are hospitalizing her talking about their weekends and stuff. and it's so weird, how three different lives can be in the same room. like, i imagine each person as if they're a huge piece of paper with everything written on them about every single detail about their life. and how they can just be in the same room together, discussing their weekend while this lady's been living this huge ordeal.. it's just.. weird to think about. i dunno..

and then at the end they show all four characters in these awful situations.. Harry in the hospital bed with an amputated arm from shooting infections, Sarah in the hospital after losing her mind over diet pills, Marion on the couch after a nice orgy that left a nice wad of cash in her hands, and Tyrone on a jail bed missing his mother..

and all they seem to find is the little comfort in the fetal position.
isn't that what people do when they're scared?? go in the fetal position?
when your in a mother's womb, you're in the fetal position.. maybe it's comforting in that way.

it's cool to think about..

my declaration

i have just treated myself to a viewing of Bridget Jones' Diary. i would like to conclude, that even though i have seen this movie many times before, this is the first time i have felt it was worth a little chat about in my blog. it's one of those movies you watch 'cause you can't think of anything to watch, and after about the 50th time you've watched it, you realize just how good it makes you feel, and then you realize how stupid you are for not considering it one of your favorites.

so i would now like to take this time to declare my love for this particular movie and the way it makes me feel, and the way it seems to clear up any dark clouds that may be hanging over my head, and i would also like to declare that i have not seen The Edge of Reason, although i now have this longing to.

so i will leave you with that. simply because i want to go search for The Edge of Reason on Google...

ha its nice to know i guess

You're a Passionate Kisser

-For you, kissing is about all about following your urges -If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story -You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses -A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

i was tempted and wanted to share

The Keys to Your Heart

-You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. -In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. -You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. -You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. -Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. -Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. -You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. -In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

when your heart stops beating

i haven't seriously written in a long time. my days are pretty bland these days. i dedicated this week to my learners which i successfully received this morning.. well afternoon. i woke up at 1 15, my brother banging on the door saying he was gonna take me to get it, so i got ready in 20 minutes, went and got it. all within one hour haha. but i didn't get my photo thing done 'cause i was without parents. but i was happy i got it this time. 'cause i would've hated to fail it again. like fuck.

so i've been going to bed pretty early lately. like literally, two nights ago i went to sleep at 3 am, the night after that it was 5 am, and this morning i went to bed at 8 am. aren't you proud? haha. i should've pulled an all-nighter.

next week should be great though. i doubt the good ol' tongues getting pierced though unless i wanna get it ripped out or something. i got a christmas card from my parents with money in it and it said "and this money is NOT to get any tongue piercings!" and i was like aaeruheubgdusbgsfb. but i guess it's kinda cool. i mean, every teenager goes through that haha. "aww but mother i wanna get this pierced!" "i will not allow that over my dead body" or some shit like that. haha. *sigh* its cool to some extent i guess.

i am currently working on a list of things i've learned. you know how people always have those things "i've learned that.. blah blah" , well i'm making one. except it'll be a ton of levels less cheesy haha.

it's pretty relaxing though. i had this huge cloud hanging over my head for months to get this stupid learners, and now it's finally cleared over.

there's some really gay shit on YouTube..

you know whats an excellent song? Que Me Quedes Tu by Shakira. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQNQ60mrQeE yup mhm. i don't know what everyone's deal is. some people think she's annoying.. i dunno, i thnk she's a really hot voice.. it's like different you know. and si think she's really raw. to be honest, i really love the Whenever Wherever video. i think it's really sweet and she's such a good dancer it blows my mind. La Tortura is a good video too.

i also watched the video Stutter by Joe. haha. i love that song. hmmm.

hmm i think i may be fresh out of words. i've been using them all too much these past few days.

i wanna go snowboarding next week. i told my brother i'd go with him. that should be swell

"As every voice is hanging from the silence Lamps are hanging from the ceiling Like a lady tied to her manners Im tied up to this feeling"

i crossed one out

since i crossed out something from my to do list. i shall add another one - spend time with Breanna <33333

red wine bottle half the contents gone

i sliced my finger today while washing the dishes.. while washing the dishes and experiencing a feeling of good will within myself. just thought i'd inform you of my unfortunate mishaps. while attempting to do something good out of the goodness my heart. ps. i thought that picture looked rather sweet i might add

my favorite movies

you gotta check out these trailers. they're sweet movies Requiem For A Dream http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz45M9nVF0M American History X http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXaZENPQrsw Fight Club http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HstQaobp4Jw Wicker Park http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0EzIcAJk7s Alfie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0Aqq_xbo80 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GiLxkDK8sI The Talented Mr. Ripley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB1NV2i2zIk Donnie Darko http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgZ6kKdm-5s Garden State http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1bIPua1z68 Motorcycle Diaries http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u0U3dbVMHk Boondock Saints http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlmFg2gp_X4 Romeo and Juliet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyRYmhTBvMM Interview With A Vampire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73ICAzAuff4 Under The Tuscan Sun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWEkGQPDkV0 Uptown Girls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll2x6z8WHKc She's All That http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7PkMU1HD_Q and i really wanna see this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJB_Ccoh-Ro

blah

so did you know Switchfoot is a Christian Rock band??

i'm just foolin around on YouTube. watching to some of my favorite videos. and lucky you.. i feel like sharing haha

Hard-Fi - Hard To Beat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eq4fs9aoiUU

Plus 44 - When Your Heart Stops Beating
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl4zGbSBP3U

Skunk Anansie - Charlie Big Potato
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw-k4Mq40Ng

Skunk Anansie - Weep
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm3z3i_xfaM

i'm sorry, i just need to take a break right now. just to let you know how hard i just laughed at what just happened. i'd rather not waste my time telling you what happened. haha anyways, back to my YouTube favorites :P

A Perfect Circle - Three Libras
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnZqjCkOvqY
(i love the way this video is made)

Weezer - Say It Ain't So
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU7LZts87Zg

Gnarls Barkley - Transformer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-Vdcasm4kY

Craig David - Eenie Meenie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdY44WUiEqo

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful (not official video, but it's clips from REQUIEM FOR A DREAM YEAHH best movie ever)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLwGuLfahRk


Stuff i picked up in Europe:

The Kooks - Naive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQckcE9gQx8

Lily Allen - Smile
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_jjuCfdksQ

Julieta Venegas - Me Voy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLNmzKXCN6E

Ligabue - Happy Hour
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zzb00ySlLU

Finley and Mondo Marcio - Dentro Alla Scatola (italian rap AND punk HA.. its good though)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Mv0chF1WJA

Neffa - Il Mondo Nuovo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwpuxdSHL9c

Paola & Chiara - Viva El Amor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSMVXBvkHEw

Paola & Chiara - Festival
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giBxSBYwR6s

they're ridiculous

our time is running out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIcr_KWiPwA bliss http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrROiUNwgCM unintended http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w478NZabD1Q just a few amazing songs. they're one of my favorite bands. Matthew Bellamy is painfully sexy as well... watch how he plays the guitar in Our Time Is Running Out. it's enough to make me orgasmmmmmmmm

instant pick me up

Sick and tired of hearing All these people talk about What's the deal with this pop life And when is gonna fade out The thing you got to realize What we doing is not a trend We got the gift of melody We gonna bring it till the end It doesn't matter 'Bout the car I drive or What I wear around my neck All that matters Is that you recognize That it's just about respect It doesn't matter About the clothes I wear And where I go and why All that matters Is that you get hyped and We'll do it to you every time Do you ever wonder why This music gets you high? It takes you on a ride Feel it when your body Starts to rock Baby you can't stop And the music's all you got Come on now This must be, pop Dirty pop Baby you can't stop I know you Like this dirty pop This must be Now, why you wanna try To classify the type of thing That we do 'Cause we're just fine Doin what we like Can we say the same for you? Tired of feelin all Around me animosity Just worry about yours 'Cause I'ma get mine Now people can't you see

my new staple

sleeveless hoodies


AHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

and you know what's great? they're comfy, fashionable, you can play around with the shirt underneath to create different looks, wearing necklaces with them looks great, PLUS: ITS NOT MAINSTREAM!! like.. no one has them. they're amazing.

the best thing ever

kay so like i just got the most random phone call EVER. here i am sitting at my computer talking to people on MSN, including my friend Pablo (i dedicated an entry to him) and i was also talking to Joe and Andre and my homie Jordan (bbs). and all of a sudden the phone starts ringing and i look at my phone it says "Unknown Caller" so i didn't pick it up. then i hear footsteps coming to my room and i was like "ughhh someones calling me" which sometimes i hate when i'm already doing something. so i was like "hello?" and this guy was like "hey" and i was like "who is this?" and he was like "guess?" and i was like.. "i have no idea" and that went on for like another two times. and then i was just like





omg

what are you doing

calling long distance

?!?!?!?!


..it was Pablo. i haven't talked to him in like 3 years.. i miss that kid so much. like i can honestly say i love that kid. we had a lot of fun in junior high..
well i just got off the phone with him after an hour and 45 minute conversation (since it's like 1:30 in Montreal right now), and i just had to write about it because it absolutely made my day. not even my day.. it made my week.
like wow.
i miss him =(

"Don't hurt my feelers" -Pablo Cifuentes

my daddy built those stairs

so here's the list of the things i got for Christmas that i absolutely adored (which is pretty much everything):

from my brother
- a really sweet navy blue and red and white bag from Nokomis
- a huge ass book of Andy Warhol from Chapters (has EVERYTHING and ANYTHING about him)
- Sneakers: The Complete Collector's Guide from Urban Outfitters
- Garden State DVD
- Andy Warhol wallet

from my parents
- The OC board game
- Scene It Friends edition
- two sweaters (one argyll, one black and white striped
- The Devil Wears Prada DVD
- face stuff
- portable docking system (iPod, CDs, radio ITS SWEET)
- fuzzy socks
- toblerone
- hershey kisses
- Revlon body stuff
- a hair straightener/blow drying thing
- $160
- orange and strawberry lip balm
- Seventeen magazine
- underwear
- a satellite receiver for tv downstairs

what i bought myself today
- two sleeveless hoodies from American Apparel (one green and blue, the other grey [sleeveless hoodies=my new favorite thing])
- Skull Candy earphones (Kevin said they're a good brand)
- a white Puma long sleeved shirt from Gravity Pope

and i have come to the conclusion that West Edmonton Mall sucks ass. Whyte Ave is definitely the best place to shop. i'm so happy we only went there today. the things there are so much nicer and unique. WEM is just full of people, i never get anything done there, it takes too long, i get headaches, PLUS the stuff there, is what everyone has.. its too mainstream.
at least Whyte Ave has some really unique stores, and you get to walk outside and everything.
the only really neat thing at WEM is the fact that my dad built the Body Shop by Buffalo upstairs, AND he made those colorful stairs on Bourbon Street.
yes, my daddy built those stairs. i know you're jealous.

definitely not inadequate

i think i have found my Buddha.
for real.

it's like this switch has been turned on that has been off for the past four months.
thank you bbs
you were real helpful

inadequate

for once i am too exhausted to type anything. i'll just let the thoughts roll around as they may or may not. and since Christmas is officially over in about 5 minutes, i think it's valid to look in retrospect at how awesome today was.

and how inadequate i really am when it comes to reality.

i hope everyone's Christmas was as awesome as mine =)

OLT = one last thing

since it's technically Christmas..
i would like to sincerely wish everybody a very merry christmas =)

blurb of right now

tomorrow is Christmas. it's Christmas right now. it's 12:03 am. i just worked on some Biology stuff.. trying to get it done. trying to get multiple things done. since tomorrow i know i won't have any problems waking up, i think i might stay up late to try to get multiple things done. i have done nothing these past few days. nothing that i had planned for myself. and i think before i reward myself with opening presents, i need to do what i had set myself out to do this weekend. i have two weeks off and i plan to make the best of it. there are a few things i had planned..
1) have a sleepover with Leigha
2) go snowboarding with Daniel and possibly Heather
3) stay in on New Years and spend time with my cousins
4) get my tongue pierced
5) go to the dentist
6) go Boxing Day Shopping
7) get my learners
8) come up with a possible New Years resolution (to stop chewing my nails is out of the question, as i have already decided i'll be doing it until i croak)
9) play the sims
10) finish 18 pages of Biology
11) start Math review
12) call Stephanie like she told me to =)

hopefully all goes well. although i can already tell you i probably won't do half the things on that list. but there's no harm in saying that i will try my hardest. i'll definitely try my very hardest. it would seriously mean a lot to me..

plus, i have decided i am happy where i am. i am happy i am sitting here writing about how happy i am. i've realized that even though it may seem like i don't have him, i really do have him. i am important to him, he does like me and care about me. and it makes me happy to say that, in return, he has me. he is important to me, i like him and i care about him back.
i figured, if i tried making someone else important, if i tried liking someone else, i would forget about him. but all that did was make me realize how much i like every little bit of him and his personality, and how comfortable i am around him to just be
myself.

blurb of december 14

"maybe it's time for me to re-establish my goals as a human occupant of Earth, to re-locate myself, find my true purpose and search for the fun that everyone seems to be finding, but me. life seems and feels so mediocre right now. maybe with some form of transportation, some legal papers that allow me to use a form of transportation and possibly some freedom which is only a result of excellent school-manship, i could really enjoy this magical thing God has given me that we all call life.
it becomes tiring waiting around for people to realize exactly how amazing i am. it becomes tiring when your best friends behaviour makes you question why, exactly, she's your best friend and why you hang out with her every single day despite the fact that she seems to bring anger into your life more than anything else. i don't want to be a bitter person on the inside. i try my hardest to avoid that, so i keep my mouth shut. but sometimes keeping my mouth shut isn't good. i don't want to be a bitter person on the inside, but that's all i seem to feel all the time. i'm insecure, and i am aware of that. trying desperately to gain some security. but then again not, because i keep waiting around for him, and each day that i spend waiting, my self-respect seems to drop lower and lower. i always talk of how i miss Beverly, how i want to leave already. and then i turn around and say how good life is. if life was good, i wouldn't want things i can't have, i would want exactly what i have. things just never seem good enough. they seem good from far, but far from good.
and i want desperately to change that. i really do. i want to love life and not fake it. i want to be able to sit here and not have my eyes fill up with tears and the tension grow in my throat. the only place that seems satisfying is outer space, to look at Earth and what a crummy yet beautiful place it is. to look at this place and where i am in life, and to feel the relief of not having to deal with it all.
it seems the only thing that makes me smile is his voice, and even then sometimes the things he says, or does not say, take that smile away in an instant.
maybe i'm thinking too much, maybe i'm thinking too little.
maybe i should go with the flow"

merry christmas eve everybody
=)

christine

Christian; Anointed
-a girl who likes to encourage others; she is shy until she knows you; she's independent, resourceful, and creative; is good, gentle, and kind; sets a good example for others; one who seems to hold a mystery on her lips; a confident woman on the job.

hmm. possibly?

how old were you when

How old were you when you first...
1. Fell in love - n/a
2. Lost someone close to you - 15
3. got drunk - 15
4. smoked weed - n/a
5. Got kissed - 5
6. Went to the hospital for surgery- n/a
7. Got your heart broken - 14
8. Lost a pet - 9 or 10
9. Got arrested - not applicable
10. Smoked a Cigarette- 15
11. Broken a bone- n/a
12. Got a job - n/a
15. Went to a concert - n/a
16. Got your own cell phone - 14
17. Had 1st boy/girl friend - 9
18. Got a myspace account- 16
19. Snuck out of the house - 15
20. Pierced other than your ears - n/a
21. Got caught having sex - n/a
23. Snuck someone in your house - n/a
24. How old are you now? 16 BUT 17 IN 32 DAYS!

english for immigrants

my dad just showed me his report card for when he learned English in 1972. it said "English for Immigrants" HAHA. oh gawwwwd. lmao

musica nostalgica

Fra le tue braccia fammi tornare dimentichiamo questo dolore bella la vita, grande il tuo amore per questa notte fammi sognare. Ho provato a darti tutto il mio cuore a negarti tutto quanto di me ma solo tu mi fai sentire speciale ogni mio respiro vive di te

jamaican me crazy

- i went to my old house today before we went to church. we walked up to the front door and my mom rang the doorbell. my dad came and unlocked it and a big smile came across my face just hearing that familiar noise of opening a door. it's incredible how accustomed we become to familiar repetitive noises.. my dad was painting the inside. i walked in and i felt like a giant. i got this really weird feeling.. like after a drag i feel real bouncy, i felt that way. walking down the hallway that seemed so small now. i walked into my old room. i examined everything. i smelled the air and the paint. i saw the scratch marks on the floor from when i used to re arrange my room. i opened and closed my closet. i remember those doors used to break so often. i ran my fingers down the door and felt a remaining piece of tape. i didn't know whether it was from the previous tenants, or from 5 years ago when i used to tape things up on my walls. then i turned around and noticed how i was able to see right out the window. i was never tall enough to see right through it. and now i could. my room used to seem so complicated.. my house used to seem so complicated. and as i walked upstairs and downstairs, opened every cupboard, turned on every tap, flicked on every light, closed every door, it seemed so simple. so simple so small. so squeaky. i walked over the squeaky parts an extra time. i entered every room to see it empty, but i let my imagination remember how everything was placed when i lived there. where my brother's stereo was placed, where my bed was, where the computer had been, where the couches were, where we sat to eat dinner. i looked out the kitchen window and i turned to my mom and said "this house is so ghetto". and it's true, if anyone were to walk in, they would've thought it was ghetto. the patterns on the walls, the tiles, the yellow fridge.. sometimes i go to people's houses and think they look ghetto, and then i walk into my old house which is equally ghetto, and it seems so different. it's like a comfortable ghetto. i love that house, and i stopped myself from tearing up 'cause that's gay. my mom and brother want to sell the house, but me and my dad still want to own it and keep renting it out. the thing is, my brother and mother say that if someone owned the house, they would treat it better than people who rent it out. we left, and my mom said that visiting that house makes her fed up because the people who live there always trash it.

i miss it.

- we were early for church, so we drove to the Portuguese store or whatever and we bought bread. sweet bread. i really liked it.
- i cleaned my closet. i really cleaned my closet today. it's nice now.
- i watched the oc from Thursday. and was interrupted when my dad gave me this picture of him a very very very very very long time ago. it was a picture of him in a boat going fishing. he was sitting, wearing these light blue short shorts, he had these high socks on and these really sweet sneakers on that i wish i could have, and he had this massive afro. and when i say massive, it was a massive pile of curls atop his head. and beside him was a pack of cigarettes. it made me laugh. i love old pictures. this one was really sweet though. it made you wanna be on that boat fishing with him.

-Seth proposed to Summer. i wonder if it was for real.

the holiday

kay so weirdest thing.

Let Go by Frou Frou is in The Holiday too. it has a rather decent soundtrack too. when Cameron Diaz and Jude Law were gonna get it on Just For Now by Imogen Heap was playing. OMG Jude Law has kids in this movie and it's the cutest thing on Earth. he's DEFINITELY a D.I.L.F.
there were some really good quotes too.. some that explained things to me very well..

Arthur Abbott: Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at eachother and that's the 'meet cute.'

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.


there were more, but i couldn't find it :(

my legs hurt

hmmph.

i dont wanna type. so i'll just give you the deets.

1) pascale took me out for lunch
2) pascale bought me Garden State and we watched it at his house
3) saw The Holiday with Breanne
4) went to Red Robbins with Breanne, Nick (st. joes) and Darin (st. joes)
where Julie was working, so she was cool and got us alcohol :D

haha

now im sitting here talking to Jordan on MSN as he's shirtless on webcam hahaha.
and yes

my legs hurt.

smile you wench

this morning i woke up ten minutes early without any problem.
this morning as i sat in the dark and listened to my music

i didn't feel the sadness i usually do. instead, i smiled.

yesterday stephane told me to smile. and then he called me a wench.

maybe

i would hate to be one of those girls who always need someone there for her. the one's that can't handle being independent.

but maybe i do need someone all the time. maybe i'm scared to be independent, although sometimes it's nice to trick ourselves into being something we're not to cover any flaws we may have.

maybe i don't want to be lonely. and maybe i'll do anything to avoid being lonely.
but who can blame me? i guess i just wasn't made for handling lonliness well.

and maybe when you try filling that gap for four months, but it never seems to fill up, maybe i was
always looking in the wrong place. and maybe that place wasn't willing to help me fill that gap.
so then i thought maybe i should look somewhere else.

although it still hurts, i can't keep going to you to make me happy if you're not willing. i can't force you to do something you don't want to even if you say otherwise. actions speak louder than words and i can't help that. maybe i'm not what you're looking for, and maybe you're not the one for me. but always know you're important to me, i'll care about you always, i miss you, and i'll always be there for you, like i always am..

lose an argument in a cable car

hmm i am so incredibly unbelievably totally completely utterly bored out of my FRICKEN mind. and i sit here thinking how my mother did a swell job in ruining my first semester of grade eleven by grounding me on November 1st for two months for a 67 in Religion and a 70 in Math. and guess what? it's not like those marks are any better!
have i mentioned that grade eleven is a huge painful slap in the face that's gonna leave a red mark once i fail some courses and the option of University is nicely crossed out with a red X, conveniently the same color of the mark that's gonna be left on my face by my mother once all these unfortunate events nicely fall into place within the next few months.

GREAT ISN'T IT?

and you know what's greater? no matter how much i contemplate the consequences and how bad they can really turn out, all i can really do is sit here and right about how i'm going to end up a bum on Jasper Avenue or a prostitute on Whyte Avenue. might as choose now, between Jasper and Whyte. ERRR what is wrong with me. moving this computer into my room was seriously not a good idea AT ALL.
you know what else is not a good idea AT ALL. getting involved with boys that make you go nuts when you really try your hardest to not let it get to you while you try desperately to study for Biology or Social or Math or whatever class it is you're failing.
there's just a ton of factors to take into consideration. it's been almost four months. FOUR MONTHS IN THIS SECRET ALLIANCE. it's just so weird. i mean, my longest relationship was 2 months and 3 weeks in grade nine HAHA. and this is like.. four months? and it's not even a real thing. its a secret alliance as i like to call it, but i don't know. it's just so frustrating. and then a second later it's not frustrating at all, it's re-assuring, and then the next second it's frustrating all over again.
and then there's the hormones racing and all the other guys i'm attracted to at the same time. it's just nuts. i am a huge mess. i swear.

another thing i noticed. well, actually, i don't feel like writing it. haha. sorry about the inclination of suspense there :P

hmm so Will's in Hawaii right now.
i'm grounded right now.
Joe's.. i don't know where Joe is.
Daniel's at his girlfriend's.
The Fray just told me "heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why. hold on tight wait for tomorrow you'll be alright."
why does that just seem to make me laugh.
tomorrow me and Pascale are gonna spend lunch together. to talk and stuff.
we're discussing where we're gonna go.
do you ever have friends, but they're friends you always joke around with and sometimes you feel like awkward around them because all you do is joke around?
i'm thinking maybe hanging out with him tomorrow might be a mistake. but i know it's not like someone else is going to come see me..
so i'm going to.
and maybe i won't joke around this time.
maybe i'll say something that means something.
something smart. and something that might seem like i'm opening up.
although, there really isn't much there to let him discover.

i also noticed..
maybe i do laugh too much. and joke around too much.
i've always been that way though. i wonder if it's a cover up.
i don't know though. i really don't...

maybe i do that to avoid fights or disagreements. i tend to give a little chuckle here and there
even if it's only to lighten things up once and awhile

when things need to be lightened up.

let go

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown


Andrew: "You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself - This is love... this is love."

Sam: "This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."

Andrew: "I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."

Andrew: "There?s a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed."
Sam: "There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I could miss."
Andrew: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home any more. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit that idea of home is gone."
Sam: "I still feel at home in my house."
Andrew: "You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

Mark: "I'm ok with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

Andrew: "Let's just talk about good stuff. "
Sam: "Good stuff?"
Andrew: "Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?"
Sam: "I got a little buzz. I got that. What you got?"
Andrew: "I got a little buzz going and I like you."

Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman: So?
Sam: He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Sam: "You have to listen to this song.. it'll change your life I swear."

hey, are you lonely?

Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground, but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud... and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?

So what if you catch me, where would we land?
In somebody's life forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's thrown on the sand.
All of your works are rated again.

Where to go? But it's all wrong, you're so strong.

garden state

i've never felt so into any movie before in my entire life. i cried, i laughed, i thought. and it was good.
i mean, this movie is simply complicated and complicatedly simple. there are no words to describe it.
but i want that.
sitting in the dark under a big blanket on my usual chair.. Boots came and found me and he fell asleep in my lap during the movie. do you ever watch a movie and when the credits come up, you just sit there for minutes upon minutes until you realize you've been sitting there minutes upon minutes? so picked up Boots in my arms, turned off the DVD player and the TV and went upstairs to my room. and now i'm here.

i've had the soundtrack to Garden State on my iPod for the longest time, and i always listened to it 'cause it's really good, but it always brings new meaning to a song after you see it in a really good movie. i remember reading Megan's nexopia blog and there was this quote on what love is. snot running down your nose and someone loving you enough to lend you a sleeve. i never knew where it was from. and then i watched them sitting in the bathtub, and his telling the story of his mom, and i remembered where i heard it. and then at the end, just having Let Go by Frou Frou playing .. it totally completely topped it off. every song that came up just made me feel even more of whatever it was i was feeling.

i love Zach Braff with my entire heart. and i had no idea he wrote that movie until the end credits.
and not to mention the laughs. i felt like an idiot sitting there by myself laughing at the shirt this lady friend of his mom's made him and how he blended in with the wall. i laughed so hard and then i felt like a retard 'cause i was by myself. and when she got the cup to save his tear.. haha. that made me laugh too.

it's definitely one of the cutest movies i have ever seen.. and it definitely got a 6/5 on my movie ratings..

i just realized how pathetic and how big a loner i am.. i think i may become the crazy cat lady when i'm older..

oh yeah, one last thing. i fucking laughed when he did his moment of originality :P HAHAHAH

a fine line

So yeah, last night I wrote some stuff in my cell phone so there’s a few things I’d like to cover…

I think there’s a fine line between making someone feel better and leading them on. Don’t you? I mean, you could be making them feel better, but you could always be saying a whole bunch of crap just to make them feel better. Right? AM I RIGHT? I don’t know, I thought about that..

Also, I have to blame all the stupid shit I say and do on my gender. Because I am 100 percent positive if I wasn’t a girl, I wouldn’t do half the stupid shit I do and say half the stupid shit I say. Girls suck and so does being one.

Since I am currently in Communications, I should probably go and study some more social for the test I have in about 20 minutes. ERR WILL ISN’T HERE BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO HAWAII TOMORROW I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY HE IS.

haha jeez woman

"How do you feel about a friend who has to go everywhere with you? Not only does he tag along all the time, but since he is so offensive and vulgar, you become unwelcome when with him. He has a peculiar odor that sticks to you wherever you go. Others think both of you stink. He controls you totally. When he says jump, you jump. Sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or storm, he wants you to come to the store and pick him up. You would give your spouse hell if he or she did that to you all the time, but you can't argue with your friend. Sometimes, when you are out at a movie or play he says he wants you to go stand in the lobby with him and miss important scenes. Since he calls all the shots in your life, you go. Your friend doesn't like your choice of clothing either. Instead of politely telling you that you have lousy taste, he burns little holes in these items so you will want to throw them out. Sometimes, he tires of the furniture and gets rid of it too. Occasionally, he gets really nasty and decides the whole house must go. He gets pretty expensive to support. Not only is his knack of property destruction costly, but you must pay to keep him with you. In fact, he will cost you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. And you can count on one thing, he will never pay you a penny in return. Often at picnics you watch others playing vigorous activities and having lots of fun doing them. But your friend won't let you. He doesn't believe in physical activity. In his opinion, you are too old to have that kind of fun. So he kind of sits on your chest and makes it difficult for you to breathe. Now you don't want to go off and play with other people when you can't breathe, do you? Your friend does not believe in being healthy. He is really repulsed by the thought of you living a long and productive life. So every chance he gets he makes you sick. He helps you catch colds and flu. Not just by running out in the middle of the lousy weather to pick him up at the store. He is more creative than that. He carries thousands of poisons with him which he constantly blows in your face. When you inhale some of them, they wipe out cilia in your lungs which would have helped you prevent these diseases. But colds and flu are just his form of child's play. He especially likes diseases that slowly cripple you - like emphysema. He considers this disease great. Once he gets you to have this, you will give up all your other friends, family, career goals, activities - everything. You will just sit home and caress him, telling him what a great friend he is while you desperately gasp for air. But eventually your friend tires of you. He decides he no longer wishes to have your company. Instead of letting you go your separate ways, he decides to kill you. He has a wonderful arsenal of weapons behind him. In fact, he has been plotting your death since the day you met him. He picked all the top killers in society and did everything in his power to ensure you would get one of them. He overworked your heart and lungs. He clogged up the arteries to your heart, brain, and every other part of your body. In case you were too strong to succumb to this, he constantly exposed you to cancer causing agents. He knew he would get you sooner or later. Well, this is the story of your "friend," your cigarette. No real friend would do all this to you. Cigarettes are the worst possible enemies you ever had. They are expensive, addictive, socially unacceptable, and deadly. Consider all this and - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! Joel © Joel Spitzer 1990, 2001 "

thanks Leigha, for that message that didn't really affect me in any way but the abdominal muscles.

the ride always beats the destination

so going by the notes in my cell phone NotePad, i have a few things to cover...
i've come to the conclusion that this thing going on would be a valid secret alliance. i don't know what else to call it.. but knowing that even when you're pissed off you know it's still good? i think i'd call that an alliance.. obviously not one eligible for Big Brother or Survivor, but one that's eligible in life.

when i yawn, i never really can make my mind up as to whether or not i should cover my mouth or not. and the thing is, by the time i decide to cover my mouth, i'm done yawning. so i'm sitting there with my hand over my already-finished-yawning mouth. and as a result, i look like a fool.

i re-arranged my room yesterday. and then i went on MSN to inform whoever it was that decided to talk to me. and after i told him, he said "wtf is with you and re-arranging your room?" and then i said "i dunno.. i just.. i dunno lol" and then i continued to say "i guess it just makes me feel better" and he said "you should be an interior designer" and i said "i considered it.."

ok, so i went to West Ed. yesterday right? and one thing i notice that ALWAYS confuses me is debit machines. i mean, they swipe my card, k cool, then they hand me that handheld thing, k cool, and then it always takes me 5 minutes to just find the right button. it's confusing, anger inducing, and embarassing. not a good combination.

last but not least. THE RIDE ALWAYS BEATS THE DESTINATION. what does that mean? well, i find that anticipation is always more fun than the thing you are actually anticipating. kinda like Christmas. don't you think the wait is more fun than Christmas itself? another example (a well-known one) is the chase. the chase in relationships. once the chase is over, it really isn't fun anymore sometimes, unless you're caught in a situation like mine and you spend 3 months in the chase like you're trapped in the chase and it's always aggravating but generally rewarding and fun. it's like, knowing what could happen, but you know not's gonna happen. it's real weird. but yes, thats another thing i've learned: the ride always beats the destination


"the past is just the future with lights on" -- Zacharie's MSN personal message