blurb of december 14

"maybe it's time for me to re-establish my goals as a human occupant of Earth, to re-locate myself, find my true purpose and search for the fun that everyone seems to be finding, but me. life seems and feels so mediocre right now. maybe with some form of transportation, some legal papers that allow me to use a form of transportation and possibly some freedom which is only a result of excellent school-manship, i could really enjoy this magical thing God has given me that we all call life.
it becomes tiring waiting around for people to realize exactly how amazing i am. it becomes tiring when your best friends behaviour makes you question why, exactly, she's your best friend and why you hang out with her every single day despite the fact that she seems to bring anger into your life more than anything else. i don't want to be a bitter person on the inside. i try my hardest to avoid that, so i keep my mouth shut. but sometimes keeping my mouth shut isn't good. i don't want to be a bitter person on the inside, but that's all i seem to feel all the time. i'm insecure, and i am aware of that. trying desperately to gain some security. but then again not, because i keep waiting around for him, and each day that i spend waiting, my self-respect seems to drop lower and lower. i always talk of how i miss Beverly, how i want to leave already. and then i turn around and say how good life is. if life was good, i wouldn't want things i can't have, i would want exactly what i have. things just never seem good enough. they seem good from far, but far from good.
and i want desperately to change that. i really do. i want to love life and not fake it. i want to be able to sit here and not have my eyes fill up with tears and the tension grow in my throat. the only place that seems satisfying is outer space, to look at Earth and what a crummy yet beautiful place it is. to look at this place and where i am in life, and to feel the relief of not having to deal with it all.
it seems the only thing that makes me smile is his voice, and even then sometimes the things he says, or does not say, take that smile away in an instant.
maybe i'm thinking too much, maybe i'm thinking too little.
maybe i should go with the flow"