i imagine my arteries are being coated with a thick greasiness that is near impossible to get rid of.

like the grease stains on your garage floor.
or the greasy moist lips of a drooling boy who never showers or brushes his teeth.
or the oiliness of unwashed hair.

i'm drinking tea for the rest of my life.

the randomness within my commonplace book.


"Bring back the buffalo and drive out the cars!"
Andy Warhol foresaw the days when celebrity would be everything.. (OR DID HE SET THE TREND?????) "Oh boy! its another sexsational issue! Jagger's Sadist movie finally released. A heavy evil film, Don't See It On Acid."

"Pissed off, or pissod on, urine the PUNK GENERATION"
-Castro retirement-
RUDE AWAKENING. all the expressions should be clear to you now. tired of structure. i just want to do something spectacular. me-what was once flowers, is now wasteland. WHY?
emo-ism? my life isn't complete without lists. dance like a mad woman to mad music. are you happy with your life and it's mediocre attributes???????? -my room is the modern portrayal of a crowded marketplace - bush growing in the middle of the road - BERNOULI'S PRINCIPLE - airplane food: organized. hot. main course includes some food groups, salad and bread w/ butter. little, cute food. in packages. chicken or beef???


IS IT POSSIBLE THAT FO REVERY FOUR WALLS, THERE IS A SQUARE INCH IN WHICH YOUR MENTAL FLOW IS HEIGHTENED???

mental straightjacket. SCUM- society for cutting up men. "you can't jail the revolution" "the youth made the revolution and the youth will keep it, the youth will continue to make the revolution throughout the world!"

"How the Little Meri Warner Plant Grew Happily Ever After" - celebrating the decline of traditional values.
"and thus may you see rainbows all the days of your life"
FREAK OUT!
-turn on, tune in, drop out, get naked, get out there, go crazy, find a guru and blow your mind, magic wands and magic mushrooms, you're never too far from a joint.

"God it sure creates confusion
on Capitol Hill
When your left hands don't know
What your right hand kills

Let's get our shit together, men!
(We got to scan them rhymes)
Or how the hell will it look
in Tomorrow's New York Times?"

visual garbage! "armed love" - a recipe for eternal love.
what are you doing to protect yourself from: Misinformation-Half truths-Mind rot
MEDIA BURN - the nation's leading mental crippler.
---------
FEB 19, 2008
i feel like a stupid penguin. no destination. what am i doing here anyways? i have nothing or no one to live for.
i don't know if me and Vitto will become what i want us to become.
he is also a penguin with no destination.
i want it to work.
but i feel like i'm walking in circles on Earth. i have no reason or purpose.
no reason. no purpose.
it makes me want to cry.
for eternity.

although i feel like an anxious mess. i try to sing it away.

all i need are my friends.


but i want him too.

march 18, 2008

i have an odd desire for constant sleep deprivation. it is only in the nightly hours i feel like myself. why let that time pass by while i sleep?

i don't know why i haven't written in awhile. i can't sleep.

i have to let him be. i have to let _____ be as well. but i don't want to waste such oppurtunities on minimal things!

my world has expanded. i've gained light years of space in my mind for absolutely nothing but complete bliss. my feet are slushy with the snow and the sun beats down on my vacant face. my smile reflects light onto the already bright stars at nights and all i can think of is me.

it's me. and everything that surrounds me. every being who makes me laugh. every word that inspires me. its all part of my complete bliss.

his sweater was like the sky at night. seemed so eccentric, so magnetic. but his sweater is the only things i will take to heart at this point. the night sky is a good sign for me.

i must lay in the grass more often.

my own irony is that my mind is this black hole of nothing, but full of everything. black holes are nothing. complete and total nothingness. i imagine being sucked into one and floating for the rest of eternity. Just floating. perhaps being sucked into the past, or maybe a world so corrupt that i would die to find peace of mind.

the rawness of my fingers are painful but it doesn't stop me from going SPLAT! -- here's my mind dictated onto paper. manmade paper full of unorthodox thoughts and raw emotions coming together. it's a corrupt world, friends.

it's the sleep that is temporary death.. a temporary death is not possible, but because i am the one holding the pen, it is possible. we are temporarily dead every night, when we should be looking at the stars, imagining ourselves on a different rock in the system.

i will now rest in peace.

i think i have to take more pictures and include them.

i've been doing a lot of reading on the art of journal-ing... i can't only express myself in words.
i need to carry the camera around with me a lot more..

i got on the bus with my million and one bags and the million and one people with the same goal in mind. to get on the bus. i turned my head and saw a girl who i wanted to look at more and more with every feature that appealed to me. sometimes it happens when i find the rare person who has that subtle, humble beauty that is completely irreplaceable. her profile was phenomenal, she had the cutest nose and the cutest hair and pleading eyes. just wow

coincidentally, she got off the bus just as i did, she waited for the train just as i did and she waited for another bus afterwards... just as i did. she probably thought i was some sort of stalker.

on the train while mazzy star was lightly whispering to me, these people in front of me were having a conversation in french.
also, the north side is where you can find ten years olds having smoke breaks at the bus stop.

"The complications of the world weighing down on my sunken shoulders and hunched back. the idea of a pioneer on untouched land is but an absurd thought. why must doing a simple thing become so complicated? why all the institutions and securities that create invisible barriers? an airplane crashing into the forcefield surrounding a country.. an application being rejected by the wall of uncompleted 100 page, 100 link forms.. even to the point that dreams are stifled. there s a million links in one network, a million questions for one answer.. a million ID numbers and passwords and usernames and e-mails and dates and deadlines and dollars for one application.

a million slates half carved for my one purpose in life.."

that was me Tuesday April 8 at 11:39 pm.


last night i was at Heather's condo with her and my brother, working on my portfolio.. she drove me home at one in the morning, and on the ride home i read Hamlet out loud, getting a very delayed head start on my english homework. alas, after my set tasks were completed, sleep fell upon me and i woke up extra early to go to school extra early to study for the chemistry test i otherwise might have been oblivious to that day.

i have finished and sent my portfolio to ACAD and that is a great accomplishment on my part. now i have the U of A to do for May 1, and Grant MacEwan for June 1.

go me

my mind is a mad house i cannot leave.

portfolio deadlines, appointments, phone calls, bus routes, schedules, times, dates, numbers, photos, objects, charcoal, conte, shading, black fingers, loud music, shakespeare, adobe, adobe, adobe

it's all piled on top of the top of the top of the bottom and back and forwards and around once more.

in a way, i really like it. i feel like i have purpose for right now.
i like having to put on some tea and stay up late to accomplish things i actually don't mind accomplishing.
things i love to accomplish.

i am taking this little bit of time to record my personal process in a short but meaningful blog.
you may not hear from me for a month. i am the person merrily stuck under the pile of all directions and heights...

i'm at Heather's parents place. my brother's at work, and Hather's at a group meeting for a few hours..
and i'm home alone, sketching, doing charcoal work and watching Pan's Labyrinth. Vitto said he would stop by with my books.
and he did. my drawing was interrupted by the doorbell, and Chloe started her barking.
i saw through the window, his harley davidson bicycle.. the one that was in his room, and i opened the door and there he was standing, looking better than ever, with my books in his hand, his tuque on his head and his orange sunglasses on. we talked for a bit, laughed for a bit, and said "yeahh...." at the end of every minute conversation.

he told me to give him a shout whenever i wanted to hang out..
and he's taking things slow with his girlfriend.

it was nice seeing him again.

it's been awhile. hello squanderers of the earth.

i promise to update regularly on the nooks and crannies of my everyday totally exciting and envious life.

which really is and has been. call me an artiste, if you will. i've been sketching and portfolio-ing like mad this spring break. i purchased two portfolio's today with Heather, one for ACAD and one for the U of A. i'm happy with the way things have been going, keeping busy, busy, busy.
my brother has moved out for the month, to house sit for Heather's parents while they are in Holland for a month.

i want to make this quick, but there are so many things to say about my super glamorous and scandalous life, that i may just crack under this pressure to report the deets. haha we all enjoy a laugh once in a while.

Vitto messaged me. wanting to get together to do a book swap.. i am all for it!
i started reading Into Thin Air yay!
i finished reading Submarine yay!
i'm going to Italy from July 2-August 6, and along with that i will be staying in London for 3 days to visit the birthplace of Shakespeare. how awesome. i can't wait. seriously!
i bought my graduation dress today, totally cute, but i love it because it isn't anything extravagant and it was pretty inexpensive.
i bought pre-sale tickets to see OASIS LIVE ON AUGUST 29, 2008 WITH MY BROTHER! best thing i could have done this week, hands down.
i'll be seeing Matthew Good in June with Breanne!!
i'm going on a roadtrip with my brother to Saskatchewan for his friends wedding on August 23rd
RADIOHEAD IN VANCOUVER END OF AUGUST!!!
i'll be purchasing a laptop in the very near future in order to fulfill my complete computer nerdiness yay!
andddd
i've chopped my hair off

EEK
it's awesome

ta ta

since i am an aspiring director of photography, i think i'm going to get my mom's camera and start doing video blogs

only for my personal benefit. i think i'll be inspired a lot more

i need some molding. as much molding and shaping and extremes as i can possibly fit into my 20 pound brain.

i went to hang out with Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo. he wasn't what i expected, i'm not sure about the physical attraction, but i really connected with him
and he definitely has an awesome personality. it was really refreshing actually, because it's been awhile since i've been able to have such a smooth conversation with another person. we have very similar interests, and we can relate to each other. and he has an awesome sense of humour... he can really make me laugh, and he's really random. i could see us hanging out a lot more in the future.. and for a long long time

i am full to my head with things i have to say. i've closed the door to this room completely, a sign that i've secluded myself in this place so nobody can hear me type.

i just feel like i keep losing. yes, be prepared for some self-pity. it's hard to take anymore advice, because i feel there's nothing i can do but strand myself on an island with no food and lots of sun.

just talking to Heather tonight, i felt so defeated.. like there's so many things i could be doing, like right now i want to go ride my bike down the road by my house and just.. ride.
i am going to ride my bike everyday.
i will ride my bike everyday.
and i will love every second of it.
i'm going to go down roads i haven't gone down before, i'll listen to songs i haven't listened to before.
i'll think thoughts i've never thought before, i'll breathe air i've never breathed before.

frustration is this 50 pound knapsack on me right now. and i just need to write write write everything i can even think of because my mind just needs

emptying

and i hate how i say these things perfectly in my head, they make perfect sense, they are perfectly heard by my conscience, but when it comes down to it i can't get it out.. i was going to write in my journal, but i figured i can get things out faster on the computer.

is it weird that i just downloaded Seal?

i went to church three days in a row. i am so clever in the silence of my mind, i say the best things to myself, telling myself i have to write it down, and it never comes out the way i picture it. i've come to the realization that it's all in the way it is read. this became evident to me a few months ago when my english teacher was going over an assignment i did with me. i knew i did awful on it, i could've put more effort into it, so i was dreading when he'd read it aloud. but when he did, just the way he read it, it made me think.. i'm a damn good writer.

i was sitting in church, and it's always a tough topic for me. that hour in which i am supposed to be thinking about how thankful i am to be alive and have everlasting life, i am only thinking about how i've failed God terribly because i cringe at the churchy smell, the old ladies shrill voices, and the chants that make me feel sucked into some very popular cult.

the last thing i want to think is that i've been baptised into a cult, but i feel that if it wasn't so popular, so widely known, it would be a cult. the thing i find conflicting within myself the most, however, is that i actually tell God how i feel about it all. i will sit there and say to myself,

"God, i know you know how i feel about all this. i can only talk to you in the privacy of my room, when the lights are low and i feel like i know for sure you are listening to only me. and i totally respect you, and i know you love me because everytime we have a conversation, i am relieved of any lonliness or any pain that's present. you are my ultimate friend and i don't like being here in this church because everyone creates this almighty image of you... like i am not worthy of your attention. i am uncomfortable talking to you in monotonous chants, or saying things to you that everyone else is saying to you. i want you to know how i am feeling, and what is going on with me, not what we are so accustomed to saying every single mass in the same order. if i truly know you, you are probably bored with it all anyways, and for all the things you've done for me, i at least want to do a favor for you and be completely real and honest with you. so don't look down upon me when i am angry about going to church, or when my mother is frustrated with me.
i'm just thinking that church is solely so people can be guilt-free and feel justified to You.
i just like our one-on-one time, ya know?"

that went on a lot longer than expected. i just have so much to say now. and this is and will be a lengthy post.

i concluded to my brother that 90% of the people in the church at the time had short hair. and i calculated out of the three fans which was going the fastest.

much more needs to be said... trust me. but i'd rather not force the genius in me

february 17, 2008

....

it's just a bad day, maybe. i put Matt Costa on my iPod. listening to his songs... it's like i've heard them before.

i'm not wanting this. why do i get this way? i've slowly grown out of it... i have to be patient. i plan too much, i strive for that image of perfection. it leaves a lot of room for disappointment.

my mind races and i'm left with this sickness. i feel like a disease, which needs to be gotten rid of. by myself with plenty of things i could be doing but all that seems important is that my world feels it's coming to a finish.

Until i have a personal connection to a person. so someone knows i exist for even a minute.
i need to announce myself to someone and my world is back.

i hate the silence when it surrounds only me. sitting in that silence cross-legged with the murmur of the television... moving pictures.. humming of the computer... they seem to cancel each other out so i'm left with virtually nothing of comfort value. all while objects, images, thoughts, scenarios, songs are flying around like the Kansas tornado, except in my brain.

i've reached absolute vulnerability. and there's no going back. i've lost all certainty i had when i only relied on myself for love.

i am left hot and bothered sometimes.

i just read my friend's blog, seeing that she had a bunch of quotes up, i read them and felt totally unchanged.

i know a lot of people who place quotes all over their internet profiles, hoping to get some inspiration from them. but what i think is more important than the quote itself, is who said them. i mean, if you know absolutely nothing about the person who said the quote, or know nothing about what happened to them that made them say it, how can it really mean anything to someone? how can it really be inspiring?

i only look for quotes by people i hold a high respect for. i feel that if their name could be totally optional sitting beside the quote, it's meaningless.

for example, in this certain quote:
“The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.” - Che Guevara

in my opinion, the Che Guevara part is just as important, if not more, important than the quote itself.

so i admit that in the past couple months i allowed myself to get very attached to someone in a very short amount of time. sharing a common interest in many things, our personalities seemed near perfect together. of course, it didn't work out. but i am pretty happy that i was so open with him that i didn't stifle any feelings i felt and i allowed myself to pursue that human connection in a reckless manner.

in the wee hours of the morning last night, i watched and recorded this show called "Making Sense of the Sixties". it discussed the American counterculture of drugs and sex, peace and love. something that stood out for me was that these people were all about living.

living is different for many people. to some it could mean their nine to five jobs, their house, their cars, their education and most importantly, their salary.
for others like myself, it means being happy and fulfilling your purpose in life, whether you're scraping money together to pay rent for a shit hole apartment, or wiping your ass with it. it also means realizing that there is a whole world to experience and i am just one in 6 billion people. that is a ton of people.

doesn't that make you feel small. so incredibly insignificant, hey. we're all so busy and so rushed.. i gotta do this by this time, i need to go here before i go there..

i just want to lay in the grass for awhile.

i just want to do my portfolio. i wish i could work on it all day long, instead of having to worry about school work as well.

as for Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, he is 20 years old today, which somehow adds to his appeal, probably because he is no longer a teen, but a real man. and when i tell people about him, twenty years old just sounds more satisfying. when he came home from the bar last night he texted me and asked me out. how wonderful the night life can be! i am completely serious when saying that. i've met so many really cool people as a result of loud music and reasonable intakes of alcohol!

i've finished Into The Wild. i am in desperate need of a new book

new book!!!!

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Mar 13, 2008 Even if you've been a little uncertain about a few things lately, you'll probably be feeling a little surer of yourself today. As one door is closing, another one might be ready to open for you. And if you haven't yet found that someone special, then get ready because an interesting new romance could very well be on its way.

Your romantic intentions could be well-received today, so you might want to take a chance and make your feelings known right now. Luck should be on your side when it comes to most endeavors today.

ooh yay!!!

hey hey hey hey hey hey

well today my day started off at 7:30 in the hum room, writing my english exam. at 9:20 i went to cosmetology where nothing was accomplished, and then i had spare where i went to Tim Hortons with Kevin and some others and at 11:40 i had lunch so i read some more of my amazing book
---- i have just realized that i haven't mentioned this amazing book that Vitto let me borrow. its called Into The Wild, based on a true story and it just became a motion picture directed by Sean Penn!! yay!! -----
and then Zach from Yellowknife came!!! so we chilled for a bit and then he left to Tim Hortons. so i went to the library where i bumped into Jordan and Kevin. i seem to be unable to get rid of that kid. we spend all our spares together, it's weird.

we're both hippies, though, so it's pretty awesome. yay for sunflowers!!

went tanning after school,
after that??? ummmh

did pretty much

nuttn

yay
so i got out of school at 11:40 today and Trevor drove me home and i got a text message from Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!

how exciting. it isn't a phone call, but it still counts.
apparently he works at a photography studio. how sweet!

mango's are yummy

well i am happy to report that his trip to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend was an amazing one. how lovely.
it was so amazing, in fact, that he will be going again this weekend if she doesn't come to Edmonton.
and i want my novels back.

it's really too bad i didn't even get a chance to take a ride in his VW van. shit happens i guess

it's an exciting thing, really, that my cafeteria fills up my travel mug with hot water for FREE. i wasn't aware of such awesomeness, but now that i am, i will be consuming about a cup of green tea every single block. just as i did today.

school's never been better in this way. also, i no longer experience jealousy seeing them in the hall. thanks to Vitto, i guess. but no thanks, also, because now i like him and he is currently pursuing his ex-girlfriend.

man oh man i deserve a gold star on my forehead.
for having the best timing, of course.

i am rolling my eyes to that, if you can't see me right now.

it's actually alright. Breanne told me one day..
"you know how couples always celebrate their monthiversaries and anniversaries... i think it's weird that friends don't do that with eachother."

i totally agreed with her. i mean, friends are always there. friends, in a lot of ways, are the most important thing a person has. i will now celebrate monthiversaries and anniversaries with friends. and i think you should too.

on another note, Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo has not given me a telephone call. i'm not really expecting one, however... but we all know i'm kidding myself when i say that.. ha

my activity levels were low today. but it was a good day nonetheless. had english, cosmetology, chemistry, lunch in the library with Kevin Sunflower and Olivia. yes i said Kevin Sunflower. his real last name really isn't that, but Sunflower is a Plant so i believe it qualifies. and it's a totally hippie name, and i think it suits him perfectly.

anyways, i had chemistry after lunch again where i actually got all my work done... thanks to The Roots in my freshly cleaned ears. and then i met my mom at Londonderry. she bought me a hoodie from Sears. and then we went to Superstore and she bought me another hoodie and a shirt. i came home and slept until SEVEN PM

and then i went driving for an hour.
and i am here now.

thanks Nicole, by the way, for your very much appreciated comment.

peace fellow sunflowers

last night we went out for Breanne's 18th birthday. we mainly consists of me, Breanne, Chris (her brother) and Tristan.

we went to Halo, which will always have a special place in my heart. we were sitting there
and all of a sudden these two guys come up to us and we just start talking. they were so funny.

Kyle and Dave

me and Dave talked for quite some time. we talked about a lot, too, now that i think about it. he's 19 and he lived in London for 5 months and he's taking graphic design at NAIT next year. he was talking about how his goal in life is to get in the VIP section at Halo, and Chris (Breanne's brother), said that he sets himself high goals and then Dave said he has a few others before that one.
and then i asked him what his other goals are, and he said the most amazing thing.

he said he wants to write a children's book. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! i told him that i already wrote one for my portfolio admission! so we ended up talking about that, and he asked me what my dream job is, and i told him a cinematographer and he said that was awesome. then i told him i was going to see Radiohead in Vancouver this summer and we ended up talking about music, and movies... david beckham, celebrity obsessions, across the universe and sweeney todd.

then he told me the weirdest thing. he was like "i don't mean this offensively, but i find that i get to know a person really well when i ask this question. what is your favorite thing to do with water??"

like seriously, what a guy!
and we have a few interests in common.. the whole design deal. and he lived in London for 5 months!

i seem to attract the same kind of guys... it's wicked cool. him and his friend left, but before leaving he asked for my number and then called my cell so i had his, and then he gave me a hug before leaving. ahhhhh haha

anyway, after that, we danced and then walked to the Fox. where we stood in line for about an hour and we got pretty pissed off so we left and went to Boston Pizza hahaha

lots of other stuff happened, but i'm too


lazy