kick myself in the butt

i really fucking hate my french teacher. i used to be his favorite student but this semester just really sucked major ass. and i keep kicking myself in the butt because it's all my fault. if i didn't deliberately switch into his class i could probably have a steady 80+ in French 30.

he's such a dick. we got our oral exams prepared and right when i go out into the hallway the first thing he says to me is "this better be good".
well fuck you too.

plus, he has his favorite students who always make him laugh and they always do so good. it makes me want to pull my hair out. he was such a jerk to me this year, seriously. he was talking to Alyssa and he told her how i've changed and lost focus.

who the hell is he to say i've lost focus?!?! he fucking has no idea what goes on in my life, and i don't know what's going on in his life. all i know is that he needs to fucking get laid.

and at interviews a while back he was like..
french teacher: she does socialize a lot and disrupts my class. i've had to move her three times
christine: yeah but i've been doing so much better
mom: is this true?
french teacher: *gives my mom a doubtful look*
christine: *looking at french teacher with jaw dropped at his ability to lie to my face in front of my mom*

FUCK THAT URGGHGHGJGHG
ERGWEHRGBEY

would you look at that

"Aquarius: A real friend will understand when you need some space, and not take it personally. Take some 'me' time and you'll be a better friend in the future."

i have weird boy situations. several of them, too. there's too many guys that tickle my fancy and i don't know what to do about any of it. here are their first initials so i can finally figure this out in my head:
L, M, B, P

hmm. well i guess it really isn't that much. it sure seemed like a whole bunch.

i think my summer target will be either B or L haha

fever

alright well, turns out i have a fever. =(

i went downstairs and watched Friends and Beverly Hills 90210. and i had to cancel the photo shoot thing with Heather, which i'm kind of bummed about.

while watching television, i saw a preview for the show Gossip Girl, you know, the books?? well, Josh Schwartz (i think that's how it's spelt, he's the director of The OC) is directing it. i am SO THERE. i'm excited.

i texted Breanne saying i have a fever and she said "Seriously! Omg! Sleep! Juice! Brandon Walsh!"
the last one made me laugh because, well, Brandon Walsh played by Jason Priestley is my favorite character on Beverly Hills. he's amazingly good-looking and a really sweet guy.

'cause i know him in real life...

my brother said i have West Nile..

'cause baby you're my #1

I've kissed the moon a million times
Danced with angels in the sky
I've seen snowfall in the summertime
Felt the healing of the powers above

I've seen the world from he highest mountain
Tasted love from the purest fountain
I've seen lips that spark desire
Felt the butterflies a hundred times

I've even seen miracles
I've felt the pain disappear
But still haven't seen anything
That amazes me quite like you do

You bring me up when I'm feeling down
You touch me deep you touch me right
You do the things I've never done
You make me wicked you make me wild
'Cause baby, your my #1

I've sailed in a perfect dream
I've seen the sun make love to the sea
I've kissed the moon a million times
Danced with angels in the sky

I've even seen miracles
I've seen the tears disappear
But still haven't seen anything
That amazes me quite like you do

unsettled

after school i went for French help with Alyssa. i came home and slept for 40 minutes. once i woke up i ate a big bowl of Special K cereal. from there it went downhill.
i was going to stay home from dance today because i had so much homework, i was going to go for choreography, but turns out i had to settle down.
after the cereal i was at the computer typing up my French oral final exam and my mom was making some food that made me want to hurl almost. so i went to my room, laid on my couch for a while. i fell asleep.

i just woke up and it was kind of funny. i was so dead, i looked dead, which is actually good since that's what Heather wants for the photo shoot she's doing tonight. so i sit down at my desk to start on my chemistry, but i decide to write first.

i put on Escape by Enrique Iglesias and i instantly felt good. those few familiar chords just absolutely made my day. you know, that song is really good. it has a really awesome beat that's good enough to release endorphins and i love those guitar pieces right after the chorus. anyways

i'm not sure why i felt unsettled today. it started in chemistry. i sat there and i could not for the life of me keep my eyes open. and then my hands went numb. i couldn't feel them and i was like what the hell because that happens to me when i'm high. i did not in any way shape or form feel high, however. i felt like shit.

i'm still trying to figure out why. maybe it's because of the cereal? the fact that i was wearing shorts today? i'm not sure...

190 seconds

yesterday at the beginning of our long walk, i decided to count how many seconds it would take for us to walk one block, and then we would divide it by 35, and that's how many seconds it would take us to get home.

for one very long block, i counted up to 190 seconds, and also annoyed the people in my surroundings.

i am trying desperately to make myself cry. here's what i'm thinking about:

- Smokey
- how Daniel and Heather are going to Italy without me, but then i always think about how good this summer will be in despite that fact
- i keep telling myself everything i'm not good at and all my flaws, but it doesn't seem to matter as much as usual
- lost relationships, but they don't seem to matter as much as usual
- summer when i was 15, that night when i thought i would die of tears lol
- dreams where my mom died and i woke up crying

BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO CRY. Heather's taking photos tonight for her photoshoot and i need to cry!!!!

i'll opt for eyedrops maybe.

30 some blocks

my neighbor's have a son in his late teens who has been trying to start the lawn mower for the past 10 minutes. he keeps pulling and pulling on that chord to get it to start, and his failure at this is making me laugh. just sitting on my couch looking out my window watching him fail. he's shirtless and he's wearing a hat. he has a nice body. he's sporting a little bit of a farmer's tan. he has a huge mop of curly hair on his head. i always have my binoculars handy, and once it was cute when he came outside to feed his dog and he was playing frisbee with him and stuff and the dog was jumping all over him. it's like in the movies.

but from what i've seen he walks funny, and his face looks funny.. and apparently he isn't capable of starting a lawn mower.

so yesterday i woke up at 9 in the morning. i had my Special K cereal and then i did my homework outside. i was outside for an hour or so and then i went inside and took a bath. i went to dance at 12:15.

we had to do choreography in partners. i hate when we do partners in ballet because i'm usually the one whose left over. it seems everyone's been able to stay close to each other but me. it's actually the most ridiculous thing. i try not to let it bother me because it's so petty and it's only ballet class. but part of me is happy i'm usually left over because i couldn't see myself pairing up with someone and having it be comfortable. it's just a whole bunch of awkwardness when i'm with any of those guys.

i was put with Taneisha. she kept walking away from me and i was confused as to what was going on. it's so dumb, it's enough to actually punch someone in the face. if this was a year ago i would never in a million years think i'd feel this way about the people who used to be my best friends. it really just makes me tell myself to fuck it. i was just happy we were able to choreograph something without too many awkward moments.

i've discovered that i really do like ballet and i like it as a nice work out, because i still want to take it next year even though i was going to quit. dance used to be about hanging out with friends. since it seems i no longer have friends at dance, it's now about dance. and i like that.

anyways, after dance i went to Breanne's house. we finished our project and around 5:30 we bussed to Sobey's to pick up Janelle. from there we walked to the park by our school and we sat on a bench and smoked two joints. then around 7 something we walked to Subway and ate. then around 8 something we walked
all
the
way
to Breann'es house. it took us almost two hours. it was a lot of fun though. at her house we did some last touches to the project and at 10:45 my mom picked me up.

at home, i watched the Friends and Beverly Hills 90210 episodes that i recorded and didn't watch yet. i ended up going to sleep at 3:15.

this morningi woke up at 10:30, ate Special K cereal and then i sat in the sun until 12:10. now i'm here.

and there's my itinerary if you so kindly care

pretend to be nice

Well he looks at me with those innocent eyes
And says it looks like you're wearing some kind of disguise
Because your hair sticks up and your shoes are untied
And I hope that you got that shirt at half price
And every word I say falls flat on the floor
I try to tell a joke, he's heard it before
And I don't think that I can take it no more
'Cause he's driving me right out my front door

I try so hard just to figure him out
But he won't tell me what he's been thinking about
And then he falls asleep on the living room couch
With his sunglasses on and his tongue hanging out
And then he disappears for a week at a time
And then he shows up just like everything's fine
And I don't get what goes on in his mind
But I'm tired of hearing the same stupid lines

Why do you do what you do to me baby
You're shaking my confidence, driving me crazy
You know if I could I'd do anything for you
Please don't ignore me, 'cause you know I adore you

Can't you just pretend to be nice
Can you at least pretend to be

576 mega bytes

that's how much room i have left on my iPod. it seems i'm running short on a lot of things.
and the hype on that spanish guy has died down a bit. i would like to think anyways. on the other hand, i've developed a liking toward a goof in my english class, and an asian i recently started talking to. do you see how i've become impulsive ??
and then there's Breanne who has dumped the 22 year old she was dating. she now wants to marry Owen, this guy she sees sometimes when she goes to play tennis. she said he's kinda abercrombie and he's in university. her mom already approves hahaha.

anyways, i'm listening to Escape by Enrique Iglesias. i'm in love with him. SERIOUSLY.

today i heightened my chances of getting skin cancer and sat in the sun for an hour. i think ever since last summer happened i've become easier to tan. because i already have a line on my back and my face got colored. i love this.

PLUS i applied for a job a few days ago and i hope to God i get it.

the goof in my english class wants to hang out this summer. and the hot asian thinks i'm a goof and i make him laugh and his laugh makes me laugh. i love his style and he likes a lot of the same stuff as me.

AND today i miraculously found twenty bucks in my wallet. can you believe that? i was so happy! and i got my bus pass today too. everything's just going really swell.

AND i love organic chemistry! my friends have no idea what they're doing and i do! it makes me feel so smart. i love times like these.

AND tomorrow i'm going to Breanne's place to finish our project and then at 6 we're going to pick up Janelle.. and well, we all know what we do when we're all together outside of school. it will lots and lots of fun!

AND i updated my photography gallery

AND today i didn't wear an ounce of foundation or tinted moisturizer. my skin has gotten amazingly better. i love it

so despite the insufficiencies on the debit card and iPod, i love life right now. love it love it

$1.47

that's how much money i have on my debit card at this moment. but fear not! i just typed up my impressive resume, which is the key to my part-time success!

i actually consider starting a revolution against resume's, simply because they're kind of a big lie. but here's what i wrote about myself:
i can describe myself as being: -organized -innovative -diligent -reliable -quick learner -sociable -intelligent -responsible
are any of those true? well, maybe the innovative one is slightly true. and the sociable one can be true at times.
i also put for my professional accomplishments..
-completed Italian 10, 20, 30 in Saturday morning classes
-participated in D.A.R.E. program (not like it ultimately taught me anything)
-ballet and tap dancer of 14 years
-received a tap scholarship
-completed Babysitting courses
-went to a week long Bible Camp
-honor student

my mother made the last one very clear to me that it is VERY IMPORTANT WHEN LOOKING FOR JOBS. and i quite like the Bible camp one. that was a fun week and i love God. except it makes me look like a hardcore church groupie or something.
for volunteering i put the two church dinners i helped at and Breakforth Canada (that Christian concert thing), which also adds to my church groupie image. it's cool though, if someone believes in God, nothing can go wrong!

i have put together a list of people (dead or alive) who i absolutely love and idolize. oh my God i just pulled out the loooongest eyelash. ok, here goes:
1) Andy Warhol
2) Che Guevara
3) Edward Norton
4) Wade Robson

none are female, but Andy Warhol was a homosexual. i tried thinking of what female i could put up there.. Oprah came to mind but that's a realy obvious, unoriginal choice... Mother Theresa? hahahahahhaha. umm.. i thought of my mom. oh my GOD i pulled out another long eyelash! see, now i keep playing with my eyelashes to see if any other lashes will come out. i'm ridiculous. umm.. i don't know, i would have to probably say my mother.

me and Breanne were discussing today, whose closest to who. it started with me explaining to her how i told my brother how i feel about his girlfriend sometimes. Breanne asked me if he's closer to me or her. i said "oh, definitely me." and i meant it. i mean, yeah she is his girlfriend BUT we share the same blood and saliva, and just like there's Daddy's Girl's, there's also Little Sisters. and that, my friends, is irreplacable and something that is most definitely not ignored. that is my reasoning.
and then Breanne said that her brother would probably go for girlfriend over little sister. i said if i was in a situation where i had to choose, i would probably pick family over friends. first i said my mom, and then i generalized it to my family.
the thing is, my mom is my rock. yes she gets on my nerves more often than not, but when i'm truly down, or in pain, it's her comfort that ultimately makes me feel better... or makes me feel the worst if she doesn't think i deserve her pity and comfort. of course there's my brother, who is probably more important than my mom simply because he'll be part of my life for a very long time and we share childhood memories and i can tell him anything and everything.
my dad is also important to me, but it's a different type of importance. me and him are probably most alike in our family because we like to keep to ourselves sometimes, but in very social situations we blossom into social butterflies. my dad is more laid back like i am, and we often share those silent drives in the truck. not awkward silences, but nice and comfortable silences that i love so much. i feel as if we have a secret alliance almost. when my mom gets mad at me, he is usually on my side, and when my mom gets mad at him, i am usually on his side. and if my mom tells me to do something, it might take me a very long time to do it, but if my dad were to ask me, i do it right away, just because it's him and i'm never upset to do anything for him.

anyways, WOW that was a really dumb entry. i'll finish this off by quoting what Breanne said today..

"you Italians and your families!"

good day

so i'm really sick. i have almost no voice and the concert didn't really help me out at all.
on a positive note, my brother finally came to visit last night and he gave me my presents that he got me from New York. he got me an I heart NY t-shirt, a Kid Rocket collectable toy, and my favorite thing ever: an andy warhol movie poster. ITS BEAUTIFUL

Julie called me and we talked for an hour or so. it was really good, because i haven't seriously talked to her in a really long time.. or hung out with her, for that matter. she's a really sweet girl and one of my closest friends and i was really happy that we had a heart to heart kind of phone conversation. it was long over due. and i love her so.

we went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End at 10:45 pm and on the way there i told him about my marijuana encounters, hoping he wouldn't get mad. i told him only about my first time and then he laughed and said he's done it too, more than once. so i told him the truth and said i've smoked it more than once. he just laughed, and told me the best way to smoke a joint. it had something to do with a blade or knife.. i don't remember. but it was interesting and i was glad i got it out and everything was good.

after the movie, which ended at 1:45 or so, we came home and he picked up leftover food to bring over to his girlfriends, and we sat in our foyer and petted Boots and played around with him for awhile. kind of a bonding experience, yesterday was. then he was going to leave and i gave him one last hug.

it was a good day

bonkers

oh my fucking god. The Killers made my fucking life tonight. i have never screamed so much in my life and i sang until i felt like my lungs would explode into my head.

every moment of tonight was absolutely perfect, and i couldn't have asked for a better evening. and it wouldn't have been the same without Breanna.

we probably looked like a bunch of fools, however, since it was us and a few others in our section who were actually "raising the roof" and singing and going absolutely totally completely BONKERS.

but it's ok. my life is complete now. i can die

te quiero mucho

i haven't really written anything useful lately. i like writing something good a couple times a week instead of random stuff everyday. the problem with that, though, is that i never remember anything memorable to document.
my brother comes back from New York tonight.

my mom says i can't go out until final exams are over. to be quite honest, i'm fine with it. i avoid arguing with her at all costs because i've learned she's easier to get along with if i just swallow my pride, let her yell at me, and not say anything back. took me long enough to learn my lesson...

the weekends are horrible. HORRIBLE. i'll be really good for the week and then the weekend comes up and i'm so tempted to stuff my face with everything in sight. food has magic powers. i look forward to eating good food. food takes over people's lives. food ruins people's lives. it's so like... powerful. just that taste and texture on your tastebuds is so tempting and can ruin you. my mom says i have no will power. she is half right. i have will power during the week, but on the weekends i'm the worst. and i know it too but it seems for that moment that the taste of that ice cream is so much better than the feeling of fitting into that old pair of jeans.
i even started doing sit ups. the one thing i dread. i can run for an hour if i wanted, do arm exercises, leg excercises.. but i dread sit ups or any type of ab workout. i feel this way simply because i feel like i've dug myself into a hole that isn't worth getting out of.

so i thought for sure it was a lost cause with this guy at my school, UNTIL he lingered behind me when i was at Breanne's locker this morning. and then i got that spark of hope within my being that is enough to ruin my whole thought processes for the whole day. Breanne even got mad at me. she gets mad at me a lot lol. i have such a complusive attitude. like on Friday we hung out and i was "far from the ground" and i kept laughing and talking really loud in public places so she just told me "Christine just shut up already!"
and i laughed. and then she laughed. and then it was just a continuing thing. we watched Shrek 3 on friday and i do not remember one thing from it. i did laugh a lot at random parts, which contributed to Breanne's annoyance and irritation.

so we got evacuated from school again today. THIS IS SO LAME. i've never just wanted to sit in school from morning to afternoon without interruption until now. it's getting old and i just want to LEARN.

the killers concert tomorrow. i'm pretty excited. i'm trying to keep my excitement on the downlow because i usually get myself worked up so much and it never turns out the way i expected.

so Pablo told me to walk up to that guy i like and be like "hey, te quiero mucho"
see what i mean, i keep thinking about it. it's insanity

i don't know what else to tell you since my brain is constantly clouded by this pondering of his signs and what he's thinking. and what i should do to fix this pickle that i am currently in

god i love Enrique Iglesias. them spanish men are ruining me. like food

piece five

"when i was in elementary, i wanted to be a junior high kid. when i was in junior high i wanted to be with the cool high schoolers, and now in high school, it's not as thrilling as i made it out to be. when my philosophical side kicks in, i think life is just a bunch of pre-conceived notions of what the future might hold, we want more and more than what we've already received... striving to achieve these almost impossible notions. it's like we're always so focused on what's going to happen and what has happened that we never really think about right now. i've learned that movies are brilliant when you aren't expecting it. i've told people about how amazing my favorite movies are, only to be let down when they said they weren't all that great. i'm pretty positive everything that we do in our youth will be reflected in our old age. how ironic, though, that tomorrow i plan to sit in the sun for a few hours... as one of the people who make up the naive teenager statistics. someone's gotta do it right?"

sexy

i really like Enrique Iglesias.. his look, his music.. and i don't care what anyone has to say about that.

happy

Pablo gave me another long distance call tonight !

he makes me so happy
:)

piece four

"all i wanted at the time was to fit in with the guys and tomboy. so i sacrificed barbies for knee pads and a goalie mask to play street hockey. i even learned the game of football between 5 people and i thought i was pro at catching those little, foamy footballs. i realized there was more than barbies, "house" and "school" and it was nice to go outside in the fresh air. then i entered the world of video games. Sega Genesis, to be more specific. And Mortal Kombat, to be even more specific. i always wanted to be like my brother.. i listened to the rap music he did, even to this day i wonder if i'm doing things for me, or because my brother's doing it. out of both of us though, i am definitely the trouble maker and the one whose probably caused the most family kerfuffle's, as most teenage girls do."

the city that never sleeps

my brother just sent me a text message from New York saying he is in a club with Bow Wow

i am so JEALOUS. he said he's going to bring me there. what's the legal age in New York ??? hopefully i'd be able to go next year.. ya know, after January and i turn 18 ...

:D

piece three

"At a first glance, you would never think that i am dancer of fourteen years. it used to be my life until i realized there's more in life to fret about than stage fright. i keep old love notes and sentimentals. they can be good pick me ups, but also massive downers when all you've wanted for so long is that person.. or rather, that feeling you had when you were with them. i've done my share of travelling and i still can't get enough. don't you ever feel so trapped in a place like this ? i mean, there's so much to see and do that the seeds in your grapes, the raisins in your cinnamon bun, and the crust on your bread shouldn't matter one bit. i remember in grade one, the thing i wanted most was a portable cassette player. i even wrote stories about a princess named Tiffany who wished for one. my mom bought me one for Christmas. i was also the typical, selfish, spoiled little sister. i want things my way all the time and i get upset when it isn't my way. i live for those family dinners at special occassions... the alcoholic egg nog on Christmas Eve after church, Chinese food on New Years, the egg cracking game at Easter. i miss those ridiculous pouffy dresses my mom used to dress me in for Easter. my cousin, Jocelyn, was such a tomboy she threw a tantrum on her first communion when she had to wear a dress. i threw tantrums when my brother, Jocelyn and her brothers would build forts and not let me in."

biggest waste of time

alright so today was a nothing day.

me and Breanne always talk about how our mornings are always full of nothing. i always have english in the mornings and lately all we've been doing is sitting around doing nothing. same thing happens in Cosmetology and Psychology. so my mornings are the biggest wastes of time.

anyways, this morning was the same. i had a spare in english so i had Psychology and then spare, so i was with Tyler and i helped paint his project like last time. he's doing a zen garden and it looks like it's going to be really sweet. during this spare, the fire alarm went so we all got evacuated.. THIRD TIME IN THREE WEEKS.
so i was with Catie and Hai outside and Breanne and her brother came to pick me up. he took us to northgate and we stayed there for maybe 20 minutes until Tyler came to northgate and Breanne went home while me and Tyler went to St. Matthews. we hung out with Amanda and Sam until we went back to our school.

after school, i met Breanne at northgate and from there we met up with Andre and his friend Ryan at Londonderry where they picked us up and he gave us a hook up lol
it was fun.

and they dropped us off at Clareview. we walked around for a bit, got some Subway and then we went to see Shrek 3. it wasn't all that great. was way too cheesy and Justin Timberlake doesn't have a very good voice for cartoon movies haha.

after that we sat at Northgate for a bit and then i went to Clareview where my mom picked me up and now i'm here.

home alone, too. my parents are at my aunt's and my brother's in New York.

what shall i do...