190 seconds

yesterday at the beginning of our long walk, i decided to count how many seconds it would take for us to walk one block, and then we would divide it by 35, and that's how many seconds it would take us to get home.

for one very long block, i counted up to 190 seconds, and also annoyed the people in my surroundings.

i am trying desperately to make myself cry. here's what i'm thinking about:

- Smokey
- how Daniel and Heather are going to Italy without me, but then i always think about how good this summer will be in despite that fact
- i keep telling myself everything i'm not good at and all my flaws, but it doesn't seem to matter as much as usual
- lost relationships, but they don't seem to matter as much as usual
- summer when i was 15, that night when i thought i would die of tears lol
- dreams where my mom died and i woke up crying

BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO CRY. Heather's taking photos tonight for her photoshoot and i need to cry!!!!

i'll opt for eyedrops maybe.