major venting

major venting needs to be done.
so after calling my brother yesterday, he was able to get me two tickets. one for me and one for someone who i would invite. right?
ok
so turns out, my family's going to Jasper that weekend. so i might go with them, and i might not, if i can weasle them into letting me stay here. so i might have to sell the tickets.
i told Breanne this, and she said if i'm not going she isn't going.
and then i was like, what ?
why wouldn't you wanna go. it's the fucking White Stripes, right.
ok
things like that make me angry. she said she'd sell her ticket if i wasn't going, which i don't get, because i'm selling both of them to the same person. not many people buy just one single ticket.
but what really gets to me is that she would only go to the concert under certain circumstances. i mean, The White Stripes are a big time band and it makes me mad when people who "kind of" like them jip the chances of another person who "really loves them".
just to see Jack White live would make me go crazy. i love him to death and i think he's one of the most talented guitarist's there are today.
and then she started getting mad at me for making it a big deal. ok, maybe fighting over concert tickets is really lame, but concerts are a HUGE deal for me. the same thing happened with my tickets to The Killers. i was supposed to go with Will but it got to me that he seemed to not really care. like knowing i have tickets to The Killers and to The White Stripes makes me want to seriously jump for joy. i guess there aren't many people like me.
but what i'm saying is that concerts are a big deal to me and not just some place to spend time at. it's just how i see things.

another thing that happened today. i put my pillow sheets to be washed right, and i was looking for them and i asked my mom where she put them. she said she couldn't remember. so i looked where the pillow sheets usually go. they weren't there, and they weren't in the laundry room either. so she must have put it somewhere kind of complicated if i can't find them where they usually would be. the fact she couldn't remember, irritated me because of simple logistics.
when you put something somewhere it belongs, it's easy to find and it doesn't take much brain power to put it where it belongs. to put something somewhere where no one can find them takes brain power, so usually you'd remember something like that.

i'm so agitated today. and i'm not even PMSing.

pre-occupied with lagging

HOLY FUCK TODAY WAS SO CRAZY.
Psychology was pretty good and then sitting in English they had the announcements on to get out of the school within the next ten minutes. first thing i did was look at Breanne and she had this huge smile on her face and i was like "WTF we get the rest of the day of?!?! i'm going to your place!"
Matt was laughing and in the hallway a cafeteria lady yelled at me to get off my phone. i just started laughing and then me, Breanne and Janelle were waiting for the bus to northgate but we decided to walk instead. it never really phased me as to what was happening because to be quite honest, i was pre-occupied with the thought of being able to get tickets to the White Stripes. the tickets went on sale at 10 this morning. Luckily for me, my brothers girlfriend was getting tickets for a friend so she got me two tickets too. CRAZY HEY. i talked to my brother while waiting for the bus that ended up not coming, and i told him what happened in our school and shit. he told me to be careful and i felt reassured... and then he said he was gonna try to get me tickets haha. that's gonna be an amazing show. 'cept it's June 30th and that's the long weekend when my family's going to Jasper, so i got angry and told my mom that i was getting a job anyways so how on earth would i be able to go to Jasper ??
she makes the weirdest, most non-sensical trips ever. i mean, it's along weekend, 3 days to go to Calgary, Jasper and Banff. i just looked at her and she asked me what was wrong and i just told her how ridiculous that trip is. she always does that too, she crams all these things in one weekend thinking it'll be a lot of fun, when we could just drive around our own city for 3 days and have the same experience... since that whole weekend is probably going to be spent in the van driving from one place to the next.
wow
anyways, as i was saying, me, Breanne and Janelle went to Northgate and we met up with Tyler there so he came with. we went to Breanne's first to get Donnie Darko and then we went to Janelle's. we watched the movie and then when it was noon we watched the news. we missed the first three minutes when the bomb threat at our school was announced apparently. then i said, "wow we're all hanging out and watching the news. we're so old guys." and then i said "hey, what if they close down our school on Monday?!?!" and Breanne just had this smile on her face and she was clapping her hands. that would be pretty sweet, i'm not gonna lie. it was weird 'cause we were watching the movie and Tyler would lay his head on my lap and he held my hand and stuff. and it's cute because we can be like that with each other and know that we're just really good friends. like, i don't think i'd ever have a crush on him 'cause my first impression of him is permanently fucked up haha. but he's like a brother and he tells me to stop chewing my nails.
i find it all quite funny because i missed a whole day of school yesterday, and today we get evacuated after one block. it's been a pretty chill week i must say.

anyways, at 1:15 my mom picked me up and we went to Abbotsfield for my doctor's appointment. got my pills and stuff and then went to guess where????
REITMAN'S hahaha.
seriously, that store is really cool. they have some good stuff in there if you know what to do with it. my mom ended up spending $237 on me :blush:
and you know what the beauty in that is? i bought four pairs of pants, and like 6 shirts. when most people would spend 237 bucks on one single pair of pants
HA IN YOUR FACE :P

lol anyways. my mom thinks i'm a wackjob. simply because of this:

Christine: this place makes me so incredibly depressed. it's like in the movies and they have the depressing department store where only old unfashionable people work who wear the red smocks and the 1920's clip in their curly frizzy old people's hair. where they have the diner's nobody goes to and there's immigrants all over the place. (at this point i looked at my mom with a big smile knowing full well she herself is an immigrant)
Mom: you're really...
Christine: hey it's just what i see. but go on, what am i?
Mom: close-minded
Christine: hey now, i wouldn't call myself that. i am so not close-minded.
that's kind of a close-minded statement isn't it? weird how that works...

and previous to that in Safeway waiting for my pills to be ready...

Christine: *pointing at chair* that's where i was sitting when i thought i was going to pass out. hugging the milk jug. i point that out everytime i come here.
Mom: yes you do.
Christine: *sits down*
Mom: i think i'll check my blood pressure while we wait. *sits down in chair and checks blood pressure*
5 minutes pass
Mom: do you want to check yours?
Christine: ME?! no way. last time i did one of those i could NOT stop laughing and i had high blood pressure. plus, it crushed my arm and it was sore the next day.
Mom: they aren't supposed to hurt you.
Christine: yeah well, i probably thought so hard about how it might hurt that it actually ended up being sore.
Mom: that's your problem. you do it all the time. i've never seen anyone like you. usually people want to solve problems, but you want to create them.
Christine: yeah well... *as mom walks away* i think there's something wrong with me.

she always gets mad at me for walking behind her. i've come to realize that i sub consciously walk behind people all the time. in Italy when me and my mom went for walks, i could not keep up with her and i just stayed behind her. it's not that i can't keep up, because she'd slow down so i could catch up and i slowed down too. Breanne even got mad at me once 'cause i was walking slightly after her when we were walking together. i didn't even notice until this summer when my mom got mad at me for it. here's my reasoning behind it: i'm too lazy to pay attention to what's going on so i'd rather lag behind and make the person in front pick the destination so i don't have to worry or think about that.
lol
after that i went home and slept until.. 7 =)

anyways, i got everything out so i shall chat with you laterrrr

sticky notes

i told my mom about the dream i had a long time ago about her being stabbed. she told me that her mom used to say that if you dream about someone dying, you actually lengthen their life. i thought that was cool.
you know how you always hear about old ladies and their superstitions? my nonna and my great aunts are exactly like that. it's awesome 'cause they have all those sayings and stuff like that. when i go to Italy, i'd do something and then my aunt would pull me in and tell me what my great grandmother used to say. it's awesome.

i was listening to a slow song from Bloc Party a few days ago and i turned my head and stared at my couch and images went flying about Mr Mystery hahaha

there's this other guy i see in the hallway, someone who i was involved with last year and i very rarely see him, but ITS SO WEIRD, whenever i do, he always seems to come up in my dreams that night.

crazy

my obituary

the picto-personality test

You are a person who is very calm and kind. You go out of your way to help people who need your help.
When alone, you like to relax and do exactly what you feel like doing at the time.
You are adventurous, always up to do the most extreme things. You have a certain recklessness that makes people very attracted to you.
In the future you will be wise and healthy.

PFFFT

me

do you ever think none of this is for real?
truthfully, in the larger scheme of things
nothing is ever for real compared to something else. it's the end of the world everyday. yesterday's ordeal was no big deal. tomorrow we can only hope isn't dooms day.
we keep going anyways

that's what i told Breanne

i love Breanne because she can be the biggest dork one minute and the next she could look at me seriously and ask me if i think i've changed.
while walking through Northgate today, she asked me, "do you think you're different from how you were in junior high?" i said,
"oh yeah definitely." i looked up at the heavens then said, "actually you know what, i don't really think so." then i consulted the heavens again and said, "well i mean, i guess yeah. of course."
then she said,
"do you think you changed immediately or was it like gradual? like was there something that happened that was like --"
i interrupted, "life changing?"
"yeah."
we walked onto the escalator and i began,
"i 'd say summer after grade nine was when things kind of changed. it's not really a big deal, but it's changed my view on things now. like i went out with that one guy for two weeks. i remember my cousin slept over at my house for like two weeks. she was also the one who gave me my first cigarette. but anyways, she was on my brothers laptop in my room, and i was talking to my boyfriend on the phone and when we hung up on eachother we said "i love you." that's when my cousin gave me this huge lecture on how i don't know what love is and obviously, i was defending myself. a week later he dumped me and wasn't answering my calls. i was with my cousin bawling my eyes out to the point where i almost threw up. i don't think i had ever cried that hard in my life. now when i think back to that, i see myself as a really dumb fifteen year old who thought she loved someone and the whole thing just embarrasses me. i can't believe i cared so much about the circumstances. but that's why i see relationships the way i do now. i mean, there was Stephane.. but he was the only one after Tyler. i always hear my cousins lecture everytime i think about love. it's ridiculous."

that's what i told Breanne.

it never stops thinking

alright so this time's for real.
i could not get to sleep last night. me and my mom discussed Macbeth for a few hours last night we wrote down some important stuff for my essay that i had to write today. then she told me "get to sleep so you're well rested for tomorrow." i gave her the thumbs up and said "ok mother !" well not really, but i thought that was a nice touch to my story. anyways, i go to sleep and after listening to some Bloc Party, i decide, alright i'll go to sleep now. i lay there.
and i lay there. by looking at me you'd think i was resting peacefully. BUT NO
i was thinking about things at the speed of lightening.
it's when you lay in bed trying to sleep and all you can think of is what you're not supposed to think of in bed.
i thought about this summer, and where i'm going to get a job. literally, this is what went through my head:
ok so i want to work at Second Cup, but that other girl works there and during the summer who wants to make coffee all day? wouldn't it get hot? but they wear those cool aprons and the whole idea of working in a coffee shop is cool. but i wanna do something i really like. i love movies, i could work at Blockbuster, not much communication with other people, but what if people ask me a question about a movie and i don't know ! it's not a really intimidating job too. it's in Namao too by Breanne's work so that works out cool. i like music too, i could work at Music World at Northgate or CD Plus at Londonderry. i wonder if they wear uniforms? i'll check it out tomorrow when i go to Northgate. or i'll ask that Jim guy at my school he works at CD Plus. but will i have to know every single band out there? I can't possibly do that. but i'll be surrounded by music all day. maybe i could even pick the songs that are played in the store. what else do i like... Art? i could work at Michaels! thats by Alyssa's work. that would be cool, it's not a very intimidating job but maybe it would get boring. hmm what other stores are there.. northgate.. hmm.. londonderry.. but Breanne wants me to work at Namao. what buses would i need to take to get to all these places.. and if i worked at Namao i could chill at Breanne's before work sometimes. what times would i work ? probably Wednesdays and Saturdays.. Saturdays from 10 - 4.. how many hours is that? *counts on fingers in bed* .. 6 hours, thats pretty good. do they wear uniforms at Blockbuster? and if they have to wear black pants at Second Cup i could wear my skinny ones that look nice. the military men go to that Second Cup a lot. i could say i serve coffee to our troops. how cool is that. i have to get mom to help me with my resume. can you give your resume to more than one place?? and what about interviews?! no boss is going to wanna shake my hand with these ugly chewed nails. he'll think i'm diseased or something. ok starting tomorrow NO CHEWING YOUR NAILS. ooh now i have butterflies because i'm nervous and excited about this summer. and what about summer school hmm...

NO WORD OF A LIE MY FRIENDS, THAT IS WHAT WENT THROUGH MY HEAD WHILE TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP. i wrote down the places i want to work into my cell phone, and realized it was one in the morning and i had an essay to write the next day on Macbeth.

there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my brain. and i'm totally serious about this. Breanne even said so after i told her what you just read.

damn.

my travels

British Columbia - too many to count
Quebec - x1
Italy - x7
...Milan (Milano) - x1
...Turin (Torino) - too many to count
...Rome (Roma) - x1
...Florence (Firenze) - x1
...Venice (Venezzia) - x2
Germany - x1
Switzerland - x1
France - x1
Monaco - x1

butterflies in my tummy

for more than a couple reasons...

all has to do with Thursday and Friday and the things that's going to happen on those days
and it might even include a person
who i know almost nothing about
except what Jazmin has told me LOL

dammmmn.

song for clay (disappear here)

I am trying to be heroic
In an age of modernity
I am trying to be heroic
As all around me history sinks
So I enjoy and I devour
Flesh and wine and luxury
But in my heart I am so lukewarm
Nothing ever really touches me

At the Trois Garcons, we meet at precisely 9 o clock
I order the foie gras and I eat it with complete disdain
Bubbles rise in champagne flutes, but when we kiss I feel nothing
Feasting on sleeping pills and Marlboro reds
Self-pity won’t save you

Oh how our parents suffered for nothing
Live the dream like the 80's never happened
People are afraid to merge on the freeway
Disappear here

We stroll past the queue, into the magazine launch party
I am handed a pill and I swallow it with complete disdain
Kick drum pounds off beat high hats remember to look bored
We suck each other's faces and make sure we are noticed
The cocaine won't save you

East London is a vampire it sucks the joy right out of me
Dressed like the cover of a magazine. I've aged so in these golden years

i still remember

I, I still remember

How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted

And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water

I still remember

in relativity to last entry, creepy

Aquarius - Tuesday May 1, 2007

A few interesting developments could be leading to some new opportunities for you at this time. Be confident that things are going in your direction and try to dispense with any lingering fears or concerns that might be plaguing you right now. Just remember to keep moving forward and making progress.

whiteboard to paper and back again

i am in a dilemma. i may sound like a ten year old but there's a guy at school who i think is really attractive. i only started seeing him randomly at the beginning of semester two. he's worked out at the same time as me a couple times. it's become really weird, though, because there's always those people you see in the hallways that make you think "wow", and that's about it. but i think about this guy as more than just "wow". he doesn't seem like the smiley type, which is why i haven't said hi yet. but it's also because i'm scared i'll be rejected. i've smiled at him a couple times. not directly at him, but the casual under the radar type of smile, like, "oh goodness, i just laughed at my friend's joke and i just happened to look at you while smiling thoughtfully at her joke" kinda thing. haha. then i realized how scared we ALL are of rejection. we don't do a lot of things out of fear that we will be rejected. i'm sure everyone's figured that out by now, but it's never really hit me until recently. i've never had a problem with being rejected. i wish i would just say hi to the guy and get it over with instead of leaving it at random glances in the hallways.

and he has the coolest style too. like today, i was working out and he came in to watch the soccer game, he wasn't working out, he just came to watch the soccer game that was on, which already made him irresistable because i love guys who love soccer. anyways, he has these real rugged looking sneakers that i would probably wear myself. he has a really rugged, mellow, casual look. and he's spanish. i really like south american guys.

anyways. i better put my communication skills into gear one of these days.

i wrote some stuff on my cell phone today:
- chalk boards in the classrooms
- was knowing your weakness what made you stronger
- all up in my grill
- sleeping with feet off the edge
- rejection. fear of it
- episode 50 where heckles dies. I'M LIKE CHANDLER.
- the painted veil with edward norton
- i wanna see half nelson, stranger than fiction, adaptation
- chewed gum looks like a brain

that last one was discovered while sitting at Clareview today waiting twenty minutes for my bus to come. i spit out my gum and analysed it for about 5 minutes. speaking of which, i got my first ETS bus pass today !

i can actually do shit now without worrying about money ! I told Joe she never wants to pick me up anymore. he said she's weening me. i asked him what that meant and he said she's helping me grow up, letting me do things on my own. i love how that sounds. my mom's helping me grow up =)
i love my mom.

i listened to Bloc Party all day today. i fucking love them to DEATH.
i was sitting in Chemistry today and i honestly wanted to shoot myself. i had double. the first block we wrote a test, which i think i did pretty good on, second block i had a slight headache. the one's that suck.
they don't really hurt like sharp pain, but it's so slight that it makes you wonder if you have one or not and you're stuck thinking "ow", and then "why am i saying ow it doesn't even hurt", or somewhere between there.,and she was writing notes and my eyes felt so weak, like they didn't have the strength to move from whiteboard to paper and back again.

last Friday i got on the bus from Belvedere with Breanne and JC. we sat at the back and i saw Joe out the back window. i wanted to get off to see him, so me and Breanne got off at the next stop and ran all teh way back to Belvedere. i got there and turns out his bus was right there so i only actually talked to him for 2 minutes. i was pretty upset and then Breanne said "don't worry about it. if you didn't do it you would've thought about it the whole day. at least you went back and you said hi even if it was just for two minutes."
i should say hi to this guy or i'll be wondering what will happen for months and months to come... or until i find someone new. which, to be honest, i don't really want to do. i am full of lust

the universe just vanished out of sight

try writing his name in the search bar. but the cartoon yellow dog wearing a red collar around his neck can't seem to find. advanced options lets you decide whether he's a document, file or folder. video or music. when was he modified? what size is he? which drive is he located in?

i don't even know who i'm talking about anymore.

i want to go back to Snow Patrol. i listen to their music and i stand on the ground amidst the sweaty people in the dark and i wanna be. so loud and so much going on you can't think of anything else but the amazing music, the way he put his hands in the air and how he was above all else and the light was shining down on him and him only. you could see the shadows of his hands.
damn.

"it's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense and my tongue still misbehaves and it keeps digging my own grave." reminds me of me.

damn. why didn't i enjoy it even more. when you look back on a moment you always think there was more you could have done to enjoy yourself. like, One Hundred Things You Should Have Done In Bed.

maybe it's the beer i'm drinking, or that i stopped overthinking.

bite your lip & fingers no more.

the world seems so small it could fit in our front hall. BLAHH i am bored. i've been writing my outline for my Macbeth essay too. it's pretty good. it should be easy, Macbeth is just so fucked up in the head that it's easy to manipulate everything he did to the unknown keyword.
my mom helps me cram for my tests, and she gets mad at me sometimes and says "i just wish you did all this earlier. you really don't know what you're missing. we're going through the bare minimum right now, and it really makes me upset that you're missing out on everything there is to learn about every single line and what Shakespeare meant by it."
my mom's hardcore. and it does make me sad. maybe i'll read it again in the future and ask her to go into the greatest depth the world has ever known.

i watched some of Running With Scissors last night. i was laying on my brother's bed, neatly under the blanket. flat like wood on wood and then my legs. i felt immobile, that if i moved it wouldn't be neat any longer. i slept in his room last night. i was so sleepy, i couldn't finish watching the movie. i plan to watch it tonight. sometimes i sit there and imagine the presence of someone else i enjoy the presence of. so i'm not there by myself. just being lazy, no talking, just watching and soaking up of the movie's elements. i love movies. but doesnt everyone? maybe not like i do.

sometimes i throw myself over the back of my chair, cracking my back. i stare sat my ceiling and my ceiling lamp with everything else out of view and i 'm always scared i'll tip the chair over and crack my head open.

"i want something that is purer than the water

quickie

thursday: dance competition. apparently we got gold. who woulda thought ? friday: went to Breanne's. did the friday ritual with a new member, JC. not as in Jesus Christ. bussed to clareview, trained to belvedere. SAW JOE OMG MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED AND RACED. went to kingsway. went to her house. went home at 10 pm =) saturday: went to italian school. went to dance. there's not much more to say, besides the fact that i'm almost 100% postively sure that the modern day Shakespeare is Radiohead/Thom Yorke. there lyrics leave me in awe. why ? well, 1) because they're super deep 2) they're so deep i have no idea what they're saying WOW LOVE

mixed emotions

alright. i got lots to catch you up on. in order, i have 6 things.

1) so there's this creepy guy in my life. i saw him for the first time at my brother's design show. he was wearing high waisted blue jeans with a button up shirt tucked into them, he had big beady eyes, looked like he had some sort of mental problem. and he had a balding head of dark hair. he took like 6 of my brother's business cards, an i remember telling my brother how creepy that was. anyways, a few weeks ago, i was at Northgate with Breanne, and i saw THE SAME GUY in the food court. creepy? i think so. AND THEN, last firday me and Breanne went to Movies 12 and THE SAME GUY was there. crazzzzzy i tell you.

2)we have this African substitute for the next week in French. he taught us some African songs in class today and told us his philosophies of life. he's quite a deep person.

3) went to Fresh Start today, hung out with Olivia and Breanne before it opened and had a very delightful strawberry McFlurry =)

4) i had a weird dream last night. i woke up crying. i was in Beverly at my old house. i was on the bus with Lateasha, which was weird, and we got off right in front of my house. we parted ways, and as i walked up to my frton door, a guy and a girl walked up to me holding knives. they asked me "can we break into your home?" i said "no". and just as i pulled out my cellphone to call 911, they stabbed me to death. then it rewound, and i was alive again. they asked me again, and i said "ok you can break into my house" so they did. my mom was inside, and they ended up stabbing her to death. hence why i was crying so much. i don't think i've ever felt so awful in my whole entire life.

5) me and my mom went to Londonderry today, i got this really sweet jacket thing from Army and Navy. i love my mom for that, she buys some clothes from Giant Tiger and Superstore and Costco, and they're like some of the nicest things ever. i even wear some of the stuff she buys from those places. i love her for that. anyways, on the drive home, my mom told me that my dad saw a dead goose on the side of the road one day when he was driving home from work. there was another goose flying in circles above it. the next day, my dad saw the goose standing by the dead goose. and the next day, he saw it standing there still. apparently, geese have life partners. like once they find another goose, they're with that goose forever. isn't that sad though? it definitely made me sad. i mean, do geese have feelings? does she realize her partner is dead? does it make her sad? i wonder...

6) PABLO CALLED ME YET AGAIN TONIGHT. i love that guy with my WHOLE heart. i've talked about him before. my best friend that lives in Montreal? he gives me calls now and then, and we talked for an hour and a half tonight. he graduates this year. it's so weird. i might even have a chance to see him this summer when my family goes down east for a little touring with my uncle who's coming from Italy. that would make my whole summer... no, my whole LIFE.

anyways, it's kinda late, and i am DEAD TIRED. goodnight =)

lame sauce

i've become quite the doodler. i like just sitting there with music, start off by traacing the blue lines on the paper, circles around the hole punches.. draw stripes to connect them.. i do whatever comes to mind, anything and everything. its so much fun. i did that in second block of chemistry today.

it's really neat to see where you take things from the single line or circle that you draw first.

i really should be studying Act 3/4 of Macbeth. i'm really liking how this picture is turning out. maybe i'll take a picture of them one day and put them up here.

i second guess myself too much. way way too much. it screws me over on tests, and in everday decisions just in general.

i really don't feel like writing.
lol

guilty conscience

i'm sitting here typing in a bunch of chemistry definitions into my calculator. and listening to Tai Mai Shu. i'm not sure why, but everytime i type notes into my calculator, i feel sick afterwards, like car sick. it's like i've been concentrating on the letters and numbers and such, that i just get motion sickness or something.

i finally got my French shit together. for this whole semester so far, i've been to class, but not really been there. i missed so much just by day dreaming and such. i asked some questions today and he was just like "whoa Christine, you've been gone for so long. we went over this ages ago."
it's how i function. it's takes awhile and is incredibly innefficient, but that's ok. i wrote myself specific formulas. i hate doing that for languages, which is why i think learning languages in school is sometimes not very good. you learn the mechanics of the language. in order to learn a language, you have to be IN the culture, and not read up on some formulas and rules. it's like you have one bucket of soap, and another bucket of water and a sponge. you're the sponge. the water is your first language. me speaking English is like the sponge being dipped into the water bucket. in order to learn French, which is the soap in the other bucket, i must be dipped into that instead of sitting on the ledge observing the color and viscosity and such.

you know what i really love? Chemistry class. sometimes it's really boring, but i've heard it's a really class, and since the beginning of this semester i've been waiting for all this difficult stuff to happen. maybe it's because i have things written on my calculator and inside the calculator. there's a lot of formulas to memorize, but it's basic math. not much to understand. i have a lot of fun doing it.

as you might have noticed, i changed my layout. it's kinda gay still. but i'll make minor adjustments here and there gradually.

doesn't it bother you when you talk about something really cool to someone, and you see that person with that really cool something the next week ?

me and Alyssa went for donairs today. it was a lot of fun and i caught her up on all the details.

i really love Cosmetology. i'm taking it next year. cosmetology 30. you know how hair salons are relaxing for women, to just go and gossip and be with friends? that's exactly what cosmetology is for me.

today i listened to the Matrix Reloaded soundtracks.

i watched the season finale of The Hills, and i must say i was left anxious. i always feel anxious at the end of a show. ESPECIALLY THE OC. it's like when you leave the house for a period of time and your dog goes nuts with anxiety. i feel abandoned almost. thinking about The OC still makes me sad. how pathetic is that. actually, not very pathetic, since it was a very thrilling exciting show, very worthy of my anxiety.

"alright stop, now before you walk in the door of this liquor store and try to get money out the drawer you better think of the consequence. who are you ? i'm your mother fucking conscience."

"what she tripped, fell, landed on his dick?!"

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"'cause i been housing all this doubt, and insecurity. and i've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key and i've been dying to get out and it might be the death of me and even though there's no way to know it..."

hmmmph. most of the time, i think when it's inconvenient to show how you really feel, it's best to stifle yourself.
even when you're asked.

the stars

according to Teen People horoscope of August 2000 (my horoscope bible pretty much), my perfect man is:

Looks: DUDE. rude-boy vibe. skate, ska-style. Fluid body lingo. Radical hair -- the odd dye job , tattoo or piercing.

Personality: CONSCIOUS. visionary. probing. provocative. out of bounds. zealous. exceptional. progressive. humane. lustily longing.

Ideals: CHANGE. rebellion. individualism. self-promotion. clarity. invention. tolerance. temperance.

Ambition: NIRVANA. ending strife. fostering solidarity. solving global problems.