my lessons in two minute intervals

it's like when you're seven years old, you see the older girls wearing high heels.
you beg your mother to let you wear them. to get those platforms and high heels.

i don't like high heels anymore. now that i am able to get them, i don't want them.

it's like when you're eight years old, and you want to go hunting with your dad. he tells you you can join him when you're older.

now that i am old enough to go, i don't want to.

it's like when you're nine years old, and you ask your mom when you're allowed to have a boyfriend. she tells you not until you're in university.

i used to hate that, but i think i finally realize how right she is. i've learned just by living in my own house that high school and junior high relationships really are quite pathetic. unrealistic, too. because of your age and your circumstances, you can't really have a real relationship with someone. having your parents drive you around, talking to them on msn and the phone, holding hands in the hallways... it's all really mediocre.
even the whole getting up early in the morning so you look good for them at school, and even when going out, you put that extra effort into your look... it's all so lame.
it's so so hard to explain what i think about this because it just makes sense to me.
i have a real relationship living under my own roof, and i mean real. my brother and his girlfriend. i've just learned a lot from that because that's how a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is. none of this amateur cookie cutter bull shit.

my current state of mind is as follows:
i wanna meet new people without commitments. i like to flirt and have a good time, and you can't do that with a boyfriend.
i'm sure there will be someone that will make me think differently about this. it's happened before, but of course it didn't work out after awhile. after only one month i felt like killing myself and that i would never get over it. no one should feel that way at this age. well, maybe i'm wrong in saying that. because i learned a lot because of that. there's only two relationships i've had that i really like even to this day. Joe and Pablo. maybe it's because i'm still super close to both of them. but with Joe, it wasn't really a relationship. we were never official, and mayeb that's why it worked out like it did. i mean, i've never been "with" someone for as long as i was with him. september to december. pretty long for me. during that time, though, i sometimes questioned his motives, whether he cared about me or not... now i know for sure that he does, because well, we're still friends even if we're not "together" anymore.

there's been a lot of guys and i feel like i've been telling them all the same lines, the same things. i'm running out of lines.

and i'm not too worried with finding new stuff to say. i know i'm just rambling on. not really knowing what to say but knowing it inside my head. an di'm writing in two minute intervals. sentence after sentence.

i've never felt more happy and powerful. and i can't wait until next weekend to hang out with people i care about most right now. and just the things i'll be doing with them

geese gone wild

heyyya
yesterday was 4/20. went to Breanne's house. slept over actually, we ended up wasting time at west edmonton mall and stuff. 'twas fun.

Alyssa came over to Breanne's too, she had to work at 4:30 though.
Alyssa and me are unstoppable. i almost peed myself 5 times over because we were laughing so hard. Breanne's soap has Gingerbread Man Syndrome.
basically, it likes to run away. i used the washroom and after washing my hands, the soap wouldn't stay put for the life of me. i placed it gently on the side of the porcelain sink, and it moved. i placed it there again, and it moved. it wasn't just gradual movement, it was like you put it there one second and it was gone the next second. i didn't think much of it until Alyssa used the washroom after me and while me and Breanne were in her room, we heard laughter in the bathroom.
once she came out, we were like "what the hell were you laughing at?" and she goes, "oh my God. the soap --" and i blurted "IT MOVES!"
and we were gone by that moment on. fucking funniest thing ever.
and then we were by the lake by Breanne's house, and Tyler was doing some weird shit with fire and paper, and there was like crazy chaos with the geese in the lake. we came to the conclusion that they were either fighting or having sex. Alyssa shouted out "GEESE GONE WILD!" and i lost control.
lately, i've been having a swell time. so swell, in fact, that i don't feel the need to have any significant others (as in boyfriends). in the past, maybe i felt i was missing something and that's how come i wanted a boyfriend frequently. but i'm just having so much fun with the people i have right now, that i feel having a boyfriend is the last thing i need.

anyways, today i had italian school and dance. and on the way home from dance, i saw Tyler riding his red bike beside our van. it was funny. we exchanged funny looks.

genitalia

today in french class, we had a substitute teacher.
this means i sat next to Alyssa, Breanne, Olga, and Sabrina.
i'm not sure how and why but we started talking about genitalia.
went something like this:

Alyssa: smething something somethine genitalia.
... time passes
Christine: sounds like an animal kinda, hey?
Alyssa: genitalia?
Christine: yeah.
Alyssa: umm, if you say so.
.. times passes
Christine: HAHAH i can just see it on the discovery channel. "watch as the genitalia attack each other"
Alyssa: "there they are right now, chasing each other"
Christine: it could be like Steve Irwin "watch as i shove my head in this genitalia, just to see what happens!"
Alyssa: HAHAH
... time passes
Christine: hahahaha holy fuck. i can just see a bunch of penises running around
Alyssa: haha i was just gonna say..

OH YEAH. we were talking about getting our genitalia pierced. and how it's illegal for minors and stuff.
i now realize the word genitalia has the word "italia" in it. weeeeeird.

can you hear me now

so i'm almost positive i'll be deaf by the time i'm 30.
few signs:
1) at random times, it feels as if a bug is crawling in my ear. like you know when you have your hair in your ear and it's kinda tickly? it's like that. i pull all my hair away 'cause i always think that's what's causing this odd sensation, but even when i do that, i still feel it and after sticking my finger in my ear to see if anythings there, i still feel it. my mom cut out an article a while ago talking about hear loss, and that was on of the signs.
2) when i hear trickling water, or really high pitched noises buy themselves, my right ear pounds. like when i turn on the tap, or listen to the beginning of Scream Fly Dream by TATU, my right ear pounds.
3) i wake up in the morning not hearing anything until i unplug them.
4) i confuse what people are saying with things that don't even sound remotely similar.
5) when it comes to iPods, it's never loud enough.
6) lots of ringing in the ears.

it's so bad.

breathe, oh

i don't write everyday.

i talked to Lauren yesterday. we actually hung out at lunch today. it was awesome, it hasn't happened in a long time.

today i was supposed to meet Jordan at northgate, but i got caught up in stuff with Tyler.
i stayed at school until 5:30 with him. we just talked, ordered chinese food, painted his car and just laughed. it's really weird, 'cause a year ago i hated him. i don't hate people, but i hated him lol. now i love the guy. i owe him a ton. then i went to the bus stop and once again, i thought i was going to be lonely, but i talked to gangster Jordan until the bus came. he was in my science class last year. he had a basketball practice or something so he was still at school, we took the same bus to Belvedere. i took the LRT to clareview and then the bus to evergreen and my mom picked me up from there at like 6:10. it was awesome timing, 'cause i barely had to wait for anything to show up. i think i might do that from now on instead of the way i used to.

i just got off the phone with Jordan, my Jordan haha. we talked for 40 minutes =)

and now i'm listening to Breathe by Fabolous.
it's a really sweet song. i'm getting into gangster tunes again.
my favorites right now are:

1) Breathe - Fabolous
2) Overnight Celebrity - Twista
3) Changes - 2Pac
4) It's Tricky - Run DMC
5) My Adidas - Run DMC
6) Whisper Song - Ying Yang Twins
7) Walk This Way - Run DMC
8) Let's Go - Trick Daddy and so on..

they're old but it's not me to like a lot of rap and things of that sort.

i've come to realize that i'm a pretty honest person. like, if i think something negative about something, i usually say it how it is instead of just agreeing with the person for "world peace" sake. lol
i think that's how come people always think there's something wrong with me and they're all up in my grill and hating on me. HA

i just think it's always easier to say what's on your mind for real. i think it happened when i was a kid, i realized people got a kick out of me when i just said things the way my mind made them. a lot of the time, though, i'll start saying something and just all of a sudden, that line of thought is just stopped abruptly. it's like my mind decides to just refuse finishing it off. which is why sometimes i'll say something and then "i don't know." that happened today at my locker. i was with Breanne, she was unlocking my locker and i said something and it went something like this:

Breanne: what ?
Christine: nothing.
Breanne: no, what did you say?
Christine: i'm not sure really. i didn't really say anything.
Breanne: ok
....
Christine: mumbling
Breanne: hmm ?
Christine: i didn't say anything
Breanne: alright, well i gotta go to class.
-walks away-
Christine -closes locker- : what the fuck just happened.

IT PISSES ME OFF. sometimes i'm just so tired i just say random shit all the time. stuff that doesn't even make even a tiny bit of sense.
today in chemistry i was dozing off and i heard Alex's voice and i came back to earth and just stared at him. went like this:

Alex: we have a quiz right now ?
Christine - blinks her eyes finally - : hmm ?
Alex: are you ok?
Christine: yeah why
Alex: i don't know. is there something wrong ? you're really out there.
Christine: i'm just tired. and doesn't everyone doze off once in a while?
Alex: you're always like that though. did you take pills today?
Christine: no..

i actually didn't lol. Alex is so funny though. he was in my math class last year and he's really funny. it's sometimes hard to make him laugh, and when i'm able to, i feel so happy that i made him laugh. it's weird. sometimes the most random shit happens with us. we've been contemplating the sexual orientation of this kid in our class. i say he's straight, Alex thinks he's homosexual. today he tells me to look over at him, so i do, and he's crossing his legs. and i just started laughing.

like, stuff we talk about isn't even funny, but it's just the way things just happen to us that makes it really funny.

oh goodness. my head is POUNDING.

tuesday

Aquarius - Tuesday April 17, 2007

This could be a highly-charged time for you when you'll really feel like getting into as many things as possible. Just try to avoid telling other people what to do. Misunderstandings might occur and things could get a little tense. Just make sure that any issues that arise today don't leave you feeling too stressed out.

nuovo

so i added some new photos to my deviant art gallery.
if you'd like to check them out, just click on "my photography" over there -->

some of them kinda bore me lol

i sleep in a cradle

i cleaned my room today. it looks real good.

i sleep in a cradle. literally. my bed's pushed up against the wall and the back of my couch is pushed against the other side of the bed, so the only way i can get in bed is from the end. and i laid down my pretty blue flower bed sheet and i just threw my pillows around onto it, and i folded my warm blanket at the end of it.
i hate sleeping under those sheets with the comforter on top. and the top is nicely folded down.
i don't think sleeping should be neat. i want the freedom to sleep in whatever shape and form i feel like.

i moved my computer and i finally cleaned it out. i moved all my music off of it onto my brothers portable hard drive and i deleted all my useless pictures, i changed the wallpaper, i deleted all my cookies and unnecessary programs. it's a lot faster now =)

this computer is so old and cheap. i'm actually writing this on my computer, not my mom's.. for once.

i took my curtains off so it's only my window there and nothing else. everything's so neat and tidy and clean, and there's so much more space.

i love this feeling. especially now since i'm listening to Guano Apes =)
i don't really have a lot to say

soooooo

goodbye =)

baby don't let it go to your head

so i downloaded this song by Fefe Dobson (please stifle your laughter) called Don't Let It Go To Your Head.

i just listened to it and i used to get really involved in this song. i'd get butterflies, but feel empty, and get a sick feeling.
maybe i listened to it so much that it didn't do anything for me anymore.

then i thought of the time that it always makes me think of. Tyler. in Tosh's car. on that green bridge that tickles your whole body when you drive over it. he was in the seat in front of me and i had my hands creeped to the front running my hands through his hair and over his shoulders..
i was 15 years old. it sounds so incredibly young it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. when i think back to it i always think in.. i was going to say yellow, but now it seems like the memory looks blue black and blonde. the favorite blue jeans with ripped knees, the black t-shirt with a horse shoe on it and my long blonde hair is what comes to mind when i think of 15 years old.

hmmm.. it reminds me how stupid i was too. i .. i don't even know. oh god.

here i am listening to music that reminds me of 15 years old.
maybe i should start listening to something different so when i'm 19 i can listen to songs that remind me of 17 years old.

that summmmmmmmmer is a milestone for no reason at all.

discotech

young love

i woke up at 10:45 in the am.
Jocelyn came at 12:30 in the pm.

we drove to the movie theater. got some popcorn with dill pickle flavoring and drinks.
we sat in a completely empty theater with nothing on the screen for 40 minutes.
we watched Disturbia. fucking awesome movie. maybe not fucking awesome, but it was for the genre it is. i thought it was going to suck.

then we drove to my aunt's place, took a bathroom break. and then went in her car with her laptop desperately searching for internet connections LOL
it was really funny. we just sat in the car like a block away from my aunt's with a laptop at the steering wheel.

good times with her. we went back to my aunt's 'cause supper was ready.
she made like four pizzas for 5 people. and while we were eating, she was baking cinnamon buns haha.

then Jocelyn had to go to hockey camp.
yeah yeah

that was my day so far. i really wanna watch Troy tonighttttttt. or some kind of movie.
or maybe i'll clean my room.
or change it up. just the thought shoots excitement through my nerves and neurons, dendrites and axons as well.

just downloaded the whole Young Love CD off bit torrent. YESSS love him

iPod stats

6138 songs
158 photos
2 videos
343.2 MB left

=(

light up

i feel like i have no feelings.
does that make sense ?

like those people who feel nothing. those people.. serial killers maybe ?

don't you hate it when you listen to music and you have that emptiness in your stomach
but it feels full of feeling.
..when you're not supposed to feel

i miss the closeness =(

i told Breanne the following:
"it's like i'm rich, and i have multiple bank accounts. i have some money in each
but i'm just waiting for the account with the right rates to come along
so i can put all my money into that one.."
i told you i'm expert at analogies. it's my area of expertise.

i took the train today. i like taking the bus and train by myself. i feel so independent.
how lame.

parent/teacher interviews today. saw my french teacher.
something bad always happens. i usually get angry and my eyes start tearing up at
the embarrassment of my mother getting angry at me in front of people.
didn't happen.

maybe i do have no feelings ? i felt outside my body. well, not really, i felt like my soul was the hand and the glove was the real exterior.. i don't know if that makes even an ounce of sense.
but i didn't feel like me. i laid my head on my hand and nodded, agreed with what was being said about my cell phone use in class, and also my mouth use in class.. (chit chatting)

i can't help it. i truly thought i was improving.

FUCK. why does that get to me. the one guy i thought would fall for me instantly hasn't, and that really gets under my skin.

he's definitely different. but i'm not satisfied until i hit that spot ya know.
it's just because i have no feelings or consideration for most people.

maybe. i had another dream last night. it was so good. i hate it. i had dreams about this person the WHOLE FUCKING SUMMER. i couldn't stop thinking about them, even while in Rome. and yesterday i happened to see him in the hallway, and i had a dream about him again.
it's like relapse or something.
when someone gets over an addiction.. they don't think about it fo ra long period of time, and then they see a trigger
and it's all done for.

all done for.
not really actually. it's not like i feel the same or anything.

but i've been known to be in denial at times. who knows

confusion

so it's been awhile heeeeeeeeeey
ok
well Easter weekend was pretty good. Kevin from Chilliwack (sp?) came up and he slept over one night and we went to see 300 and such. fun times
he left on Sunday after Easter dinner.

one more announcement to make: SNOW PATROL AND OK GO ARE FUCKING AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING

holy fUck. i don't even have the words to describe how incredibly awesome it was. i was like
right at the front basking in their aura's.

i got home from school at 4. Heather was picking me up at 5. my brother's friend couldn't come so i had to call one of my friends to come to the concert. i called Breanne at first, and she had to work so i called up Pascale. Heather came at 5, we got Pascale at 5:15 and then we got some Quizno's and went to Heather's condo by whyte ave. and met up with my brother there. went to the concert, saw Laura from ballet class, Alison, Miranda, Angela, Ali and Stephanie. and then guess who texted me. ROBERT DID. so i hung out with him for awhile.
it's so weird. i saw him and i felt this like weird unusual closeness. it was a year since i saw him last and it's like this comforting feeling.
WWEIRD.

Pascale left me halfway through and Robert was with me. and maybe it was because it was a mesmerizing concert and it was Snow Patrol singing... but we ended up holding hands..
i miss that guy tons.

anyways, today after school Olga drove me and Breanne to Northgate and we had Good Buddy. so instead of working out like i should be, i decided to eat deep fried foods. go me!
went to fresh start at 4, got on the bus at 4:17, switched buses at 5:02
and got home at 5:19 =)

i have to study for chemistry and then watch America's Next Top Model.

so another boy is added to the bunch. totalling 4 males. and you know what that means everybody ?? confusion, selfishness, and .. well some other negative word.

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

fair:
went to see 300 with my cousins today. there's not much to say about it really. by far one of the best movies i have ever seen. i would say that it got to me a great deal, i felt like i just wanted to stand up for something, pick a fight with the person next to me and fight for my seat in the theater, maybe even die for it.
i love Leonidas. i would marry him in an instant.

foul:
Katherine drove me home and she was like "so you excited for Italy this summer?" and i told her the story of how i'm staying here and working instead. and how my brother and his girlfriend got plane tickets without telling me, after knowing i was looking forward to it immensely. i got pretty down. then i get home, wanting to watch a movie or something. i actually really wanted to watch Troy, like so badly since i was in the war lord type of movies, and my brother and his girlfriend are on the bed watching Finding Nemo. the previous feeling of resentment just grew even more. i mean, my brother was going to come see 300 with us, but he had too much work to do, yet here he is watching a fucking movie with someone he's going to spend the WHOLE fucking summer with. i'm not holding back here. i'm tired of holding back, but i love my brother, and i never see him anymore. and i probably won't see him for awhile in the future. i won't see him for a whole two months this summer, and then he's gonna wanna move away and i won't see him then either. THE LEAST THAT CAN HAPPEN is spend time with me or something.

it just angers me to the point of near tears. NEAR TEARS.

the current state of mind

READ IT - Push by Matchbox 20

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
'cuz It's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged you,
And you don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this Baby, baby

baby steps

i don't even know what to write anymore,
i'll just start the ball rolling.

i went to a Design Show tonight. my brother's grad show. the people graduating put all their projects together and it's a big show thing. it was pretty good. i love people that go to those kinds of things, because they all have wicked style and they're all reasonably attractive. seriously.

it just makes me want to be there.
i feel like such a failure sometimes. here's my brother, who's graduating from University as this really awesome, really talented design student who has everything going for him. he has an awesome girlfriend, awesome friends, awesome times, .. i'm just tired of not knowing what's going to happen to me, and i'm tired of here. just high school.

it's just a lot to take in. or maybe it's the other way around and there's nothing to take in.
i'm just here shitting bricks for the future. i'm stuck in this hole almost. i want to get out of here and move on, but i'm too scared to do that.

it's really funny saying really absurd things to my mom, and she thinks i'm serious and starts giving her motherly advice which results in my laughter. i don't know why i laugh, really. it's just funny to see her look concerned and then have that look like she has all the answers. goodness me

my mother wants to see all teachers (minus cosmetology) at interviews. the only thing i'm seriously worried about is French. MR FELICITAS REQUESTED A PARENT INTERVIEW. how bad is that. she took the news quite well, partially because i just have this talent in setting things up. the way i word things, and the stories i tell before-hand and afterwards, make all the difference in people's reactions, i find.

i find myself analyzing every action i make and every thought i think, in hopes that i'll find something that i might be good at. for instance, at this design show, i noticed i didn't really give a crap about what was hanging on the walls, i focused mostly on the furniture and what i could use it for and what settings it would look best in. i also found that i looked at people mostly, too. like their reactions when they saw my brother's projects. what they were thinking and such. i saw an attractive boy and i turned to my mom and was like "that guy's attractive." and she was like "him?!" and i was like "yeah, don't you think?" here is when i interrupted the separated low-key conversations around us with my erruption of laughter. i mean, why on earth would my mother think a guy around my age is attractive. she clearly had no idea what i was laughing at. anyways, he was wearing skinny jeans, nice classic sneakers, a brown shirt with green and orange stripes, he had a nice shortish-longish haircut and he wore bold black glasses. he had a skinny build and just looked so incredible.

sometimes i wonder, myself.

whilst walking through my school hallways after school today, the people in the surrounding area errupted in VIOLENT COUGHS. someone sprayed Bear Mase ( ? ) in our school. it was actually quite funny. it was mostly by my locker, i wasn't really affected by it, which is why i was wondering why everyone who passed by that hallway began to cough violently lol. you can only imagine what was going through my head HAHA. funny stuff for sure.
another occurrence in the hallways, is my scoping out of boys. i don't know, i never used to really look, but now i look guys and i just think there's quite a few attractive males in my school. to this and my past comments, Alyssa stated that Jordan has been gone too long. she clearly disagreed with what my eyes found good.

i worked out today. funny thing about the work-out room, however. even when i go there thinking i'll be by myself, there ALWAYS seems to be someone i know there. many times i've walked there lonely, but there's never been a time i entered it lonely.

anyways, after a shortened work-out, i walked to Northgate and bussed it home. simply because my mom didn't wanna drive all the way to O'leary to pick me up. that's fine though. i loves buses.

so i'm sitting at the back of the bus. there's other girls around me and right in front of me is this HUGE-NORMOUS chick with long black hair, flab hanging out in places i didn't know existed, and holes in her shirt. she would seriously fall asleep every 2:30 minutes. and then she'd cock her head back up with alertness. only to be followed by another drooping of the head. it was a constant cycle. she was clearly a very sleepy female. who was being smirked at by the people around her. unfortunately, including me. i couldn't help myself. once other people start laughing i lose it.

i'm pretty sure i lost about 2% body fat lately. i know this because, well i checked and kept track of my body fat. it's probably pretty incorrect though.

Breanne got a fake. it's her cousins. and it's pretty hysterical. but that's alright. me her and Alyssa will go to Abbotsfield (hometown babyyyyyy) and get alcohol. maybe walk to my old house. maybe see Breanna. should be good.

wrote a test on Act I of Macbeth today. went super awesome thanks to my lovely mother. last night we went through and discussed Act I for like two and a half hours. she taught it like 20 years ago and she still has all the exams and notes and huge file folders on it. that's the good thing about having your mother be an educator as a living.

WHOA HEY. it's Thursday. that means yesterday America's Next Top Model was on. I TOTALLY SO FORGOT GUYS. wow

that's crazy. i'm gonna go watch it now.

i suddenly have a surge of excitement running through my veins and neurons and dendrites, axons as well.

i said hi to her and smiled and wave a couple times. little steps. i love baby steps

674

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY

and this is my 674th entry. WOW

spring break '07

well i woke up pretty late.
after having a long night of confusion and desperation and frustration and

well, pretty much every possible human emotion that could be felt.

today i finished my second book of Religion 35 yay for me. i only have one book left.
my whole day would fall under a big waste of time if it weren't for that, because i basically sat in my brothers bed the whole day and watched like 5 episodes of What Not To Wear, i also watched two episodes of Friends... maybe more. i watched Fashion Television and this show called Hairstyle Confidential.

good day good day. end of spring break 2007 however. it was pretty good though. here is the re-cap:

Saturday: Italian School, Ballet, Miss USA Pageant, Spent time with Daniel
Sunday: went to Breanna's, went downtown, went to see a movie at the cinema
Monday: slept over at Breanne's, had sushi
Tuesday: hung out with Breanne, did some homework
Wednesday: went to fashion show with Tyler and Breanne, did some homework
Thursday: went to fashion show with Heather
Friday: Spent time with Jordan
Saturday: ME DAY. and went to church
Sunday: lots of tv and homework.

bye

panic! at the disco

Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

what it actually is: testosterone boys and harlequin girls
what i thought it is: testosterone boys and butt ugly girls

don't ask
haha