my brother's and Heather's graduation. i was not there. i was in a computer lab writing an english diploma. how fun.

i spent $625 today.

here is an un-brief list of what i bought.

from Urban Outifitters-
-2 flowy tank tops
-Diana+ camera
-a really sweet grey little jacket-y thing (my splurge of the day!)
-the brown leather knapsack i've been eyeing for one week
-a Random Dawdle mousepad
-black headband
-blue shoes

from Old Navy-
-2 pairs of flip flops
-bathing suit
-pear scented solution and bamboo sticks
-black bathing suit
-3 pairs of shorts

from BananaRepublic-
-an orange striped shirt

from H&M-
-a brown summer dress
-striped capri pants

from Aldo-
-the coolest yellow wallet

and then at Heather's, she gave me a whole bunch of books i can read on the plane and stuff. i am so excited to buy film for my camera though. it's a "loving recreation of the legendary 1960's all-plastic cult camera."

cool beans. it was the most successful shopping trip in 18 years.

fucking 4th post.
i love pictures.

PS I Love You

was an awful movie. yes, i cried. and i have realized that when i cry in a movie, it had some sor tof impact on me. but this movie did not leave me with a good feeling at all. it made me feel hopeless and depressed.

wow what an awful movie. i didn't feel uplifted or inspired, it seemed to be there, but for the wrong reasons and i don't even know what.

i feel like crap.

i want to see a movie where Gerard Butler doesn't die! why must the epitome of a man die in movies?!

that isn't even the point, maybe. he reminds me of someone and maybe that is why i feel the way i do about this movie.

hopeless, icky feelings. icky

i almost forgot. while on Jasper ave, i found graffiti that said "SAMO". i freaked out and took a picture on my cell phone.

Basquiat, the graffiti artist who worked under Andy Warhol, has been known by tagging walls and objects with SAMO in the 70's.

i thought it was miraculous to find SAMO tagged on a wall in my own city

well well kiddies.
i am finally home after an unusual weekend and i have lots to say.

it started with Friday when i wrote my very feared and very loathed Chemistry 30 diploma AH! which i thought was pretty good, but i always think everything's good when it really isn't. anyways, i went to Breanne's but we stopped at my work to pick up these books that Conor is letting me borrow, and then we bought chicken to make wraps, i bought Orangina, and then we bought Bacardi Breezers. we walked to her house and we began the torment that the mirrors provide us with. many a times have i been at Breanne's getting prepared for an outing where it could take literally 3 hours for us to decide our appearance was adequate enough. i am always the one worried about my hair and she's always the one worried about her clothes. i end up wearing her clothes most of the time, and since my clothes are made up of a combination of people's wardrobe's (mostly Heather's and Daniel's) I always realize that the only thing that i wear that actually belongs to me is my underwear. i quite like the vagabond aspect of it.

anyways, we go to Northgate and meet up with Alyssa around 7:30 and we take the bus downtown and go to Co Co Di for some strawberry margherita's and strawberry sheesha. Olivia, Emily and Brandon join us and we're all having a good time. we leave and walk to Churchill to see the closing down tents that were selling artsy things. we walked up the stairs, and laid down on the ledges and i realized that Edmonton is actually a really nice city. depending where you are, i guess... i love downtown and whyte avenue. it started to get rainy so Emily drove me and Breanne to Oil City (puke in my mouth) where i danced with a cheesy cowboy, danced the cadillac ranch on stage, and danced with this other guy named Phil or Will who i bolted away from as soon as the last note was played of the song.

i told Breanne i hate dancing with guys. i've never enjoyed it and i always feel restricted because i like to think i'm a good dancer, and i don't do the same move for a long period of time. and until i can find a man who knows exactly what rythyms i'm planning to accent at what times, then he is the man for me. anyways, me and Breanne ditched and went to the globe instead, where i admitted to my poor self that Top 40 clubs make me wanna wiggle. ha

we were sweaty and hot and hot and sweaty and then we left around 1:30. i called Heather and she picked me up. once i got to her place i went straight to bed.

the next morning i woke up around 10 and Heather made breakfast and then we went to Big Al's, a fish store. she had to pick up some stuff for her fish that we're taking care of while she's in Holland and before i know it, i'm looking for a Siamese Fighter Fish for myself. Heather bought me a red siamese fighter fish and a little froggy for my graduation present and i couldn't have asked for anything better. the fish is named Penelope, and the frog is named Heather and they are swimming around right now in my old school fishbowl on my bookshelf. how lovely. i love them.

after Big Al's, we drove to Pagolac (mm vietnamese food...) and met my brother there for lunch. he left for the dentist and she drove me home and we set up my new underwater friends. i was home for about 2 hours setting up the fish, showering and packing my bag because i had to leave once again.

i was at Breanne's around 4:30 and i got high in her backyard. we left around 6:30 to go to the Matthew Good concert which started at 8. i didn't know a lot of his new songs, but he played old ones and that made for an exciting concert.
later we LRT'd to downtown with hopes of meeting Olivia Emily and Cherie at Vinyl.

the next thing is the highlight of the night.
me and Breanne roll in line and about 5 seconds later i turn around and explode with happiness because standing there was Moccassin Boy aka Heather Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!! (see previous entries if you have no idea who i'm talking about) .i had not seen him since the end of March when we went on a date for bubble tea. i remember we had an awesome time, he was one of the most refreshing people i had ever met. and he has the best sense of humour i've come across thus far. anyways, we're chatting and stuff, i didn't think anything would come out of this meeting, except that i met his long haired grungy sexy friend Adam who i kept mistaking for Anthony because of his crazy resemblance to Anthony Kiedis of the red hot chili peppers. anyways, this is dragging on but here is the other highlight of the night:

i loved dancing with Dave (whose real name is actually Timothy David Van Vleet ha!) he is such a good dancer, and when we danced, it was fun and really really sexy.... and it didn't drag on for a whole song, we would grind for a bit but then it would stop and that's what i loved. our dancing was not MADE of grinding! he twirled me around a lot which i thought was cute. then he turned me around and i avoided his face the whole time and i think he was getting frustrated because he just grabbed my face and made out with me right there! Olivia was laughing at me, as she saw the whole thing happen, knowing i'm against any making out while dancing. later on however, she ended up hooking up with Adam. and Breanne hooked up with this english major guy (she somehow always ends up with English majors) whose name is Dan, and i met Dan's friend Darren who graduated from the university of alberta a few years ago in graphic design. i told him he looked like a designer, and that that was the reason why i asked what he did. he resembled Chris Martin.

me and Dave are planning to go see Body Worlds on Wednesday if he could get the car. he left and before he left he messed my hair up several times, kissed me on the lips and then on the forehead and then he was gone. ps, he is a very good kisser. i've kissed people who either had it too wet or too dry, but his was perfect. and i was not drunk! so i could not have been imagining any of this.

it was so weird. but so .. comfortable. i'm actually happy we went on that date and didn't go further, and just sent random friendly text messages, because now i feel so much more comfortable with him.

anyways, Oliva drove us home in Cherie's car, since she was passed out on the window, and Emily was passed out on my shoulder. i was so hungry (seeing as i ate only half of my vietnamese food at noon, and had munchies that i didn't satisfy earlier) so we went to McDonald's and left after we realized we'd be there forever. on our way out of the parking lot, Cherie threw up outside the car, and then Emily had to throw up outside the car. it was crazy. we dropped Cherie and Emily off and then Olivia drove us to Breanne's where her new burgundy Sunfire was sitting outside fresh from Vancouver. she went in and stole the keys and we went for an illegal drive (seeing as she only has her Learner's), and then we finally went to McDonald's to satisfy our hunger. Olivia ended up sleeping over and we finally slept at 4:30. i woke up at 8:15 and Olivia drove me to work for 9. i worked until 5.

and i am here, wondering why i wrote this massive blog, and why i made it sound so teeny-bopper.

well i feel like i needed to, because i haven't had some satisfying lovin' in a long time and i feel the need to document it here.

i just wanna dance,

Friday - chemistry diploma, Breanne's, hang out with Stephane, possibly hookah bar, then he's going to drive me home.

i don't want to say anything about this matter. but i feel it necessary to admit that i miss him. i also told him that last week and he agreed that we could hang out and talk but dating isn't for him right now. fine by me, i'm leaving in less than 2 weeks. perhaps i have become gutsy. as if the first time i admitted to my wanting him AND the rejection that followed wasn't enough, i had to tell him again this semester, to be rejected again. but this time it was nicer and it didn;t involve him "giving it another go" with someone else.

Saturday - Matthew Good with Breanne, and later on going out to drink and dance and hopefully meet up with Olivia and co.

Sunday - work 9-5 and perhaps hang out with Conor afterwards.

Monday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Tuesday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Wednesday - reading comprehension. i can't comprehend reading. hang out with heather? pack for italy!

Thursday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Friday - work 4-close

Saturday - Sasha's pub crawl perhaps? if he makes up his damn mind about whats happening for it haha. if not, just Halo with Breanne, Olivia and Co. and others whom i invited like Janet Noodle who i haven't seen since Grade 9.

Sunday-Tuesday - get prepared
Wednesday - LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK

until August 7!

woman president, black president.. i say, gay president!

so i've successfully downloaded M.I.A and N.E.R.D
i'm into acronyms that aren't really acronyms.

I am in the process of downloading Basquiat. that movie that i can't find anywhere about that American graffiti artist who died at 27 from heroin overdose.. his mentor was Andy Warhol and his stuff is really cool. anyways, i hope the movie downloads fast so i can marinate my brain in it.

i am a sucker for the internet. i could spend hours on end just looking up people and art and design and music. i found some cool stuff from the Aritzia website. the bands are as follows: Santogold, Yelle, Cut Copy, Foals, The Ting Tings.

i love how some of my favorite stores are huge supporters of art and design and culture. urban outiftters is a big one for that.

hours go by superfast this way.

i have come inside from the outside.

i'm going to clean out my iPod. i want to go shopping this weekend. i leave in two weeks.

but i really want to slough off the baggage. starting with my iPod.

i just want to say right now, that to
MAKE BETTER
one must MAKE SHIFT.
instead of a coffee table, why not a pile of magazines? instead of a mousepad, why not a book? instead of a garbage bin, why not a cardboard box? instead of excessive bed sheets, why not a single blanket? instead of wallpaper, why not a bed sheet? instead of a canopy, why not a blanket?

as i looked at my cluttered coffee table the other day, i realized that i can clean my room over one hundred times, but i would not be satisfied without a little pile of clutter to provide comfort and coziness. i like the lived in look. like when you move into a new place and you place the furniture wherever, without much thought, and when you really look at it it's perfect where it is, even if it doesn't line up with the baseboards, or it's a little crooked or cracked.

my bedroom is my baby, it is everything that i am. i am everything that it is. i cry in this room, write in this room, laugh in this room, lay in this room. it is my country. where i can re-arrange my brain by re-arranging this room. i make sure the lighting is perfect, that it looks lived in. that i leave my blanket a mess once i wake from my couch. that notes are scribbled and stuck onto any hard surface available.

it's the way i think dictated into something tangible that you can see and move and breathe.
it's because of that, that i started taking pictures of my room whenever i move anything. i re-thought something i placed there in the past and changed it to fit the present.

ever since i was able to move furniture, i did it. despite my room that resembled a closet. it made me happy and it made me excited when i thought of how i could get my room to go with how i felt.

for now, MAKE-SHIFT is the keyword in mind.

i reconnected with my kindergarten teacher. who lives in Fresno California. is it normal to wonder how i can mooch off every person i am in contact with?

i told Breanne today that i am an awful person. there's more to this story. it got lost in a 2 hour conversation.

i wrote in the father's day card that i love my dad. and i love how he's the comic relief in our stressful lives. he doesn't even mean it. he's just the short white haired italian man who loves nature more than his own wife.

i haven't written a Haiku in soo long. i think it's time for one right now.

No voice to sing with
Is scratchy with frustration
I'll sing tomorrow.

i want to sing so bad. i love singing. i'm awful, but i love to sing. Behind The Moon by Matt Costa is a must download. get Mr Pitiful as well.

im tired of writing already.

i worked yesterday until 11:30 and then Conor drove me to Breanne's house where her house and yard were bombarded with people. i helped her invite people throughout the whole day, for this last minute party event. It was a lot of fun. I spent the majority of my time with Calvin, Breanne's gay best friend who i've met once and talked on facebook excessively. he was amazing to spend time with. Tyler was there, and later passed out and left way after we had fallen asleep, Chia was there, Carol was there, Cam and Braden were there, Miranda showed up, Courtney, Mitch and Laski, and Madison too, who also stayed until around 4:30, Sasha who was passed out and replaying that Paper Planes song by M.I.A. over and over and over... Ryan and his brother, Andrew Kidd , Mike, Keith.. Olivia, Emily Alice and Calvin. there had to have been at least 50 people who passed through. it was pretty sweet, very chill. i smoked up with Emily and Olivia for the first time. and also with Cam for the first time. which was not a good idea because I had a sore throat to begin with. i am left with almost no voice.

we started kicking people out at 4:00, and Cam and others were still hanging around at 4:30-5. Sasha slept in the hall outside Breanne's room where I was sleeping.

anyways, me Breanne and Courtney had to wake up at 9 to get to Chemistry diploma prep. in the HUM room at school for 10.. equipped with day old clothes and coffee. my shirt including a cranberry juice stain.

me home and slept after 3:30.

i leave for London/Italy in 2 weeks and three days. my whole sleeping schedule has been backwards since Safe Grad. many times this past week i've went to bed late, whether I was making an Insomniacs Anonymous group on facebook with Breanne and talking to her on the phone at the same time, or I was talking to Pablo for hours on end. and yesterday being Friday, i finally slept at 5, which means that's the second Friday in a row that I went to sleep after .

next friday i have chemistry diploma, and I'm sure Breanne might have another party, or else we might just go out.

and the following Friday i work 'til close, but that's ok because i'll be going out on Saturday one last time before i leave to Italy on the following Wednesday!
there's my schedule for the next 2 weeks.

keep up with me for once.

sitting here with this lappy top and singing loudly to Coldplay videos is more than i can ask for this hour of the day.

i can't be more excited than i am right now.
i still may not have a vehicle at my disposal, or even a license for that matter.
but when i know i've found my niche in life for the right now
and when i know that my life from this moment on is only going to flourish like it never has before (unless, of course, diploma's decide to ruin it all for me), i look so forward to not only my absense from this city for the majority of the summer, but also to september, when i can BE ME.

i found out today that God loves me.
it was in the newspaper.
in an article on Coldplay.
delivering the awesome news that their tour date in Edmonton is postponed to later this year WHAAA????
this could be my chance to be IN TOWN to see them live!

i've been feeling like these events were completely unnecessary. where a graduation was never the thing i looked forward to for 13 years. where a graduation is not needed for me to feel accomplished, or completed, or older. is it weird that all it was to me was a physical reassurement of something i was already reassured of? it's like people need an extravagant event to know that they've made it. high school was nothing special for me simply because i made a lot of aquaintances and not enough lifelong friends. and i didn't try, either, knowing lifelong friends are people you stumble upon when you aren't even trying.

this series of events were far from the best time of my life. the best times of my life were when i found out my portfolio was good enough to go to post-secondary with, when i wrote journal entries that were true to my feelings, when i finished reading an awesome book, when i watched awesome movies, when i realized my morals, when i talked to God, when i traveled to places i couldn't share with anyone else, when i drew in ink, when i walked with my cats, when i danced in my room or danced in a crowd, when i captured things on camera or when my brother made me laugh.

to be honest, i felt unnatural in a fancy dress, like i was an imposter or trying to be someone else. i thought a true celebration of something would require no dress code or no set schedule. i went along with it. people couldn't believe i was in a dress and heels.

and tonight, i'd rather sit in and watch an awesome movie.

perhaps i don't see the reason in sharing anymore.  i've come to realize that what i've been feeling and going through is beyond words, and so i don't feel pressure to try to explain it.  mid-sentence, i just stop and tell myself.. its ok if the person doesn't actually know exactly what its like to be in my shoes at this moment.  i decide to just leave it in my head and in my heart where it really matters.

which is why i won't even try to explain to you how amazing my life seems to be going. i find that when i don't stress about things, everything falls into place. for example, when i bought my graduation dress, i didnt really stress over getting the absolute perfect one. i just got the first one that looked decent and everytime i try it on i love it even more.

also, i am accepted to the Bachelor of Design program at the university of alberta.. i'm enrolled in all my classes which consist of:

fall term

art

design

philosophy

fuck it. i don't even want to write what my classes are because i feel like it's so irrelevant to whoever it is that is reading this. i'll just keep it inside.

for some real substance, however, i will add that whenever i tell people what i'll be doing next year, they always look at me funny and ask "so what exactly is that?  what will you be doing?"  it's like people around here are so accustomed to those 9 to 5 jobs like doctors and dentists and teachers that when they hear someone doing Design, it's like their minds are so simple and box-y that they have absolutely no clue!

anyways, im on my brothers new 24 inch iMac which blows my mind.  but i get his laptop so it's pretty awesome.

i leave in less than a month to LONDON and then ITALY

and today i got my Bloc Party tickets for September 9!

woohoo

i had a meeting yesterday at the U of A with the art and design councilor and everything's pretty peachy.  we talked about my brother, and Heather and how the Printmaking facilities at the u of a are top of the line... which was later confirmed by my brother.'

i'm just really excited to be where i belong next year, you know?  my brother said i'll be staying long nights at the studio, and that i'll become like family with the people in my studio classes and i'll meet awesome people and go to the bars with them and my eyes will be opened up to a completely new lifestyle. my brother was speaking from experience. 

and although my schedule's seem like a complete joke, it's going to be hard hard work. and frsutrating too. but i know i will totally love it. if i can listen to music and be creative, i know i will enjoy every minute of it. thats what i love about art and design, if you don't understand something one way, you can use your creativity to work around it and figure out a way to do something differently.  you can't do that stuff when it comes to sciences or math.  

i am just retardedly and ridiculously excited for my future endeavors.

yesterday i got a letter saying that i'm accepted to the Bachelor of Design program at the U of A.

how amazing is that?!?!

i worked so hard on my portfolio's and having been accepted to both ACAD and the UofA makes my entire life because i know now that i am good enough. i am totally good enough.

i couldn't be happier

hello

!!

i am so sick and tired of this blog and it's bland-ness.
which is why i bought a thick sketch book the other day and a new ink pen and i am now using that for my sketches, doodles, lists, bus routes, thoughts, everything.

thank you. goodbye.

another thing that will do less than change your life, but only change your mood is Going Up The Country by Canned Heat.

http://www.thingsihavelearnedinmylife.com/


it might change your life.

i was reading that book.. Things I've Learned In My Life So Far, by that designer i went to see a few weeks ago named Stefan Sagmeister...

there's a ton of inspiring things in there.. so much that i could probably underline every single word.. but one thing i absolutely loved was this.

he was talking about a design project this magazine gave him, and they basically told him to whatever he wants with it. being a designer, he usually has guidelines he has to follow to satisfy the client and he said having to think of whatever he wanted for this magazine proved very difficult. he asked himself, "what do i want to say when i can say anything?"

today was eventful. and also more evidence as to my happy state when i'm alone.

i got home around 4:30, after depositing my pay cheque and paying a visit to the doctor.
i took a nap until supper time, and then i did my homework and then i went outside and played with the cats.

i walked around half the perimeter of my acreage and they followed me like true companions. Baby would lag behind a bit and Boots would run before me and start meowing for me to lead the way again. i don't know what i would do without those two.

i came back inside and watched The Hills and the like.. and then i went outside and found the red bike, adjusted the seat and went for a bike ride. it was wonderful.

i'm going to re-arrange my room

again

OH MY GOODNESS

can you seriously see anything good in your life?
since i've met you, i think you've been complaining about the same thing then that you are now.
it's frustrating to even know people like you exist.

yesterday i worked until 4 and then spent the rest of the day with Heather. we went to Kelsey's new house and helped move their Twee equipment into her basement, which is the new Twee domain.. it was formerly in Heather's parents basement. basically, Twee is their jewellry line that was started two years ago. they've gotten a lot bigger and it was sold at Heather's hair salon and Nakomis on whyte ave. they recently got accepted into shows in New York next month and San Francisco in July. they're getting pretty fucking successful, it's sweet.

after that we went back to Heathers place and ordered Vietnamese mmmm... and then we took Chloe for a walk and drank tea while swinging on the swings.. its always so weird when im around there because Vitto's house is RIGHT THERE and i can't help but think about him all the time.. it's awful... i always wonder if he's home, what he's up to, if he can hear me talk on the street, or if he knows i'm only a few houses away...

anyways, we went to see Baby Mama and it was a pretty good movie.
and then i stayed over and slept in for the first time in a long while.

i just love being with Heather and my brother. and sometimes it's weird to think of how close i've really become with Heather.. i totally forget sometimes that she's 23 years old and also dating my brother.

she does so much for me though... i would be completely lost without her and my brother.

Last night i went to the University to see a speaker.
I met Stefan Sagmeister, a really famous and talented designer. I even bought his book and got it signed! YAY for me!!

it was an awesome presentation, and he is the cutest thing i've ever seen. he's from Austria and he is an amazing story teller. it was definitely worth not reading the necessary chapters for today's english exam. haha

SO GOOD. please, if you are reading this, GOOGLE STEFAN SAGMEISTER RIGHT NOW!!!

carrying on... today i got a letter from the Alberta College of Art and Design, only the best post secondary for design in all of Alberta! and i got

PROVISIONALLY ACCEPTED!! i know it's stupid to get excited, because i won't be attending the school (because i can't afford to live on my own right now), but just to know that i got into this renowned school of approximately 1100 people literally makes my entire life.

i've planned for awhile now that i would stay at home until i receive my bachelor in visual communication design, and once i get there if i am more into photography, i'll move to Los Angeles and attend the American Film Institute to do direction of photography.. but if i find myself leaning more towards design, i'll move to Holland and get my master's there.

i know Holland is far fetched, but it's completely possible. Heather (my brother's girlfriend) is moving there in August because she got into this grad school in Eindhoven for design, and my brother is wanting to move there with her in December... he said he would see me through my first semester and then leave his shitty graphic design job here in Deadmonton and find a wicked job in Holland... so i'm thinking by the time i've got my bachelor's, they will probably still be living there... making it possible for me to move there.

and it's awesome to think about, because in the design industry, having connections is so important... with Heather going to this prestigious grad school, and my brother living in Holland with her, they'll be able to pass on to me their connections.

my future has never looked brighter. and i can't wait

My mind can't grasp it.
When I like to be out there,
I like it here, too.

i just fell asleep in my room and woke up only when i thought it was friday morning...
and then sat up so fast i could have gotten whip lash when i realized that it was not, in fact, friday morning.

i had a dream about HIV break-outs and time travel within an elevator....

weird. and stupid. all at once.

i like the voodoo that you do.

i want to make pretty things. and take pretty pictures.
i can't wait for summer... i'm going to take a million photographs a day. of everything. inside, outside, my toes...

Violet Hill is an amazing song that Coldplay released today. i can't wait to hear the rest ...

i showed people at school my children's book. i got good responses.
Heather dropped my portfolio of at the U of A at noon today. i should be hearing from ACAD on May 5th or so...

i wonder if i'm good enough???

there is only one way to describe my running-around-like-a-chicken-without-a-head/sleep-deprived/jam-packed weekend. and that is with a completely contrasting, relaxing haiku..

Busy days like these.
Reading between customers.
An odd happiness.

that's all...
bob and chamomile tea is calling me..

it's an awful frustration to have... finding out that a relationship that could have "flourished" did not, because of future location issues that no longer exist, makes me ridiculous. i mean, plans change, which is why i was willing to give it a shot.. even if he ended up moving away.
it's the past and i really shouldn't think about it anymore... i've mended a friendship for what seems like the tenth time in the past four years, but i don't think i mind. i've learned that with Brian it's just like that... there will be months where we talk, and there will be months when we don't... and the cycle just repeats itself. at least i can rely on it succeeding and failing over and over haha.

overall, Brian's got a good heart and whether or not we stay friends, anyone will be lucky to have him as company.

things have started to look up. yesterday i worked on portfolio, which is always really unusually fun. i've always liked cutting and measuring and doing crafty things.. all while listening to some good tunes.

today i actually did chemistry during my spare, given that i had no good company as a distraction. had a pretty relaxed english class where i scored 84% on my reading comprehension.. which i usually get 50's on because of my always wandering mind... chemistry we did a lab where i pretty much stood there and cracked some jokes (which is about the only thing i'm good for during labs.. poor unfortunate lab partners..). after that i stood at the bus stop with Perry, Breanne and Brian for about a half an hour, and i also received what i think was the first hug i've ever had from Brian. me and Breanne stopped at my work to pick up my pay cheque and see that my boss not only gave me a raise, but he gave me ONE WHOLE DOLLAR MORE THAN WHAT I ASKED ($10.40!!).. then we went to Mt Fuji and picked up our food and talked to the lovely sushi guy, Vin, whom i love talking to about movies. and then we went to Breanne's where we ate and watched good old MTV and fat chicks trying to figure skate on the merciless Made. went to work at 3. Ryan Sasha and Jordan (aka tight ass hater) came in for a chat. Brian and Brett came in for a chat later on and i recieved another hug.. i had to ask, of course (but it's a hug nonetheless!)
at ten i came home.. i am here
ready for a jam packed weekend.
and that is definitely not an overstatement.

today... i did nothing but work on my portfolio... of course, i had to document something that happened today..

The sun is setting.
Lay in the grass more often.
Mother Nature cares.

Brian promised me he'd wait for me to come back in August so he can go to Halo for the first time with me.

last night in the wee hours...
I wanted to say
That goodnight thing we used to
But i put it off

Incense burns too fast
Underneath the canopy
Of my mellow world

neither, honestly.
life is about reaching a
Happy Medium

i'm fully aware my Haiku's are hardly standard Haiku's seeing as they don't involve nature and one line could not stand on its own... but it follows the 5-7-5 syllable rule and i'm the one with the pen, so there!

on april 16th,

"out of the way, please"
she said meanly and sternly.
i left with my tea.

yesterday i worked 3-7
and the Heather picked me up and we went to see the Grant MacEwan design show
and then we went to the house
and i worked on my U of A portfolio
and then at 11 we all took Chloe for a walk in the neighbourhood
and then we watched Sweeney Todd

Heather's going to New York in June to go this jewellry show for her line. and she invited my broke ass to go with her. would be prime.
She's having a garage sale in June as well, which i can't wait for.
and then she's moving to Holland in August.

my brother was able to take that week off so Radiohead in Vancouver is a go!
and in December he's moving to Holland... he's staying here to see me through my first semester.

i guess it's time to let go
and stand on my own two feet.

i just watched Cry-Baby starring Johnny Depp.

so cheesy and yet so sexy in an unorthodox way.

she told me today,
that in the future i'd say
"Hello, I'm sunshine"

laying in the grass and listening to Mazzy Star could be seizing the day.
i bought incense today.
remind me to download Hope Sandoval & the Warm Inventions.
i could not be more upset with Limewire than i am right now.

you are Mazzy Star
could i lay here all day long?
with you in my ears?

there's the haiku of the day. i quite like that one. less than two minutes, it took me.. that's what i like to call spontaneity.

thats it!

i'm starting a haiku journal...

hello world! i am nothing but alive today!

i sat in English and let my mind wander. i'm not blind, not deaf, not mute, i can think for myself and i've developed long term interests and goals, i have friends and family
and that's all that should matter!

i imagine my arteries are being coated with a thick greasiness that is near impossible to get rid of.

like the grease stains on your garage floor.
or the greasy moist lips of a drooling boy who never showers or brushes his teeth.
or the oiliness of unwashed hair.

i'm drinking tea for the rest of my life.

the randomness within my commonplace book.


"Bring back the buffalo and drive out the cars!"
Andy Warhol foresaw the days when celebrity would be everything.. (OR DID HE SET THE TREND?????) "Oh boy! its another sexsational issue! Jagger's Sadist movie finally released. A heavy evil film, Don't See It On Acid."

"Pissed off, or pissod on, urine the PUNK GENERATION"
-Castro retirement-
RUDE AWAKENING. all the expressions should be clear to you now. tired of structure. i just want to do something spectacular. me-what was once flowers, is now wasteland. WHY?
emo-ism? my life isn't complete without lists. dance like a mad woman to mad music. are you happy with your life and it's mediocre attributes???????? -my room is the modern portrayal of a crowded marketplace - bush growing in the middle of the road - BERNOULI'S PRINCIPLE - airplane food: organized. hot. main course includes some food groups, salad and bread w/ butter. little, cute food. in packages. chicken or beef???


IS IT POSSIBLE THAT FO REVERY FOUR WALLS, THERE IS A SQUARE INCH IN WHICH YOUR MENTAL FLOW IS HEIGHTENED???

mental straightjacket. SCUM- society for cutting up men. "you can't jail the revolution" "the youth made the revolution and the youth will keep it, the youth will continue to make the revolution throughout the world!"

"How the Little Meri Warner Plant Grew Happily Ever After" - celebrating the decline of traditional values.
"and thus may you see rainbows all the days of your life"
FREAK OUT!
-turn on, tune in, drop out, get naked, get out there, go crazy, find a guru and blow your mind, magic wands and magic mushrooms, you're never too far from a joint.

"God it sure creates confusion
on Capitol Hill
When your left hands don't know
What your right hand kills

Let's get our shit together, men!
(We got to scan them rhymes)
Or how the hell will it look
in Tomorrow's New York Times?"

visual garbage! "armed love" - a recipe for eternal love.
what are you doing to protect yourself from: Misinformation-Half truths-Mind rot
MEDIA BURN - the nation's leading mental crippler.
---------
FEB 19, 2008
i feel like a stupid penguin. no destination. what am i doing here anyways? i have nothing or no one to live for.
i don't know if me and Vitto will become what i want us to become.
he is also a penguin with no destination.
i want it to work.
but i feel like i'm walking in circles on Earth. i have no reason or purpose.
no reason. no purpose.
it makes me want to cry.
for eternity.

although i feel like an anxious mess. i try to sing it away.

all i need are my friends.


but i want him too.

march 18, 2008

i have an odd desire for constant sleep deprivation. it is only in the nightly hours i feel like myself. why let that time pass by while i sleep?

i don't know why i haven't written in awhile. i can't sleep.

i have to let him be. i have to let _____ be as well. but i don't want to waste such oppurtunities on minimal things!

my world has expanded. i've gained light years of space in my mind for absolutely nothing but complete bliss. my feet are slushy with the snow and the sun beats down on my vacant face. my smile reflects light onto the already bright stars at nights and all i can think of is me.

it's me. and everything that surrounds me. every being who makes me laugh. every word that inspires me. its all part of my complete bliss.

his sweater was like the sky at night. seemed so eccentric, so magnetic. but his sweater is the only things i will take to heart at this point. the night sky is a good sign for me.

i must lay in the grass more often.

my own irony is that my mind is this black hole of nothing, but full of everything. black holes are nothing. complete and total nothingness. i imagine being sucked into one and floating for the rest of eternity. Just floating. perhaps being sucked into the past, or maybe a world so corrupt that i would die to find peace of mind.

the rawness of my fingers are painful but it doesn't stop me from going SPLAT! -- here's my mind dictated onto paper. manmade paper full of unorthodox thoughts and raw emotions coming together. it's a corrupt world, friends.

it's the sleep that is temporary death.. a temporary death is not possible, but because i am the one holding the pen, it is possible. we are temporarily dead every night, when we should be looking at the stars, imagining ourselves on a different rock in the system.

i will now rest in peace.

i think i have to take more pictures and include them.

i've been doing a lot of reading on the art of journal-ing... i can't only express myself in words.
i need to carry the camera around with me a lot more..

i got on the bus with my million and one bags and the million and one people with the same goal in mind. to get on the bus. i turned my head and saw a girl who i wanted to look at more and more with every feature that appealed to me. sometimes it happens when i find the rare person who has that subtle, humble beauty that is completely irreplaceable. her profile was phenomenal, she had the cutest nose and the cutest hair and pleading eyes. just wow

coincidentally, she got off the bus just as i did, she waited for the train just as i did and she waited for another bus afterwards... just as i did. she probably thought i was some sort of stalker.

on the train while mazzy star was lightly whispering to me, these people in front of me were having a conversation in french.
also, the north side is where you can find ten years olds having smoke breaks at the bus stop.

"The complications of the world weighing down on my sunken shoulders and hunched back. the idea of a pioneer on untouched land is but an absurd thought. why must doing a simple thing become so complicated? why all the institutions and securities that create invisible barriers? an airplane crashing into the forcefield surrounding a country.. an application being rejected by the wall of uncompleted 100 page, 100 link forms.. even to the point that dreams are stifled. there s a million links in one network, a million questions for one answer.. a million ID numbers and passwords and usernames and e-mails and dates and deadlines and dollars for one application.

a million slates half carved for my one purpose in life.."

that was me Tuesday April 8 at 11:39 pm.


last night i was at Heather's condo with her and my brother, working on my portfolio.. she drove me home at one in the morning, and on the ride home i read Hamlet out loud, getting a very delayed head start on my english homework. alas, after my set tasks were completed, sleep fell upon me and i woke up extra early to go to school extra early to study for the chemistry test i otherwise might have been oblivious to that day.

i have finished and sent my portfolio to ACAD and that is a great accomplishment on my part. now i have the U of A to do for May 1, and Grant MacEwan for June 1.

go me

my mind is a mad house i cannot leave.

portfolio deadlines, appointments, phone calls, bus routes, schedules, times, dates, numbers, photos, objects, charcoal, conte, shading, black fingers, loud music, shakespeare, adobe, adobe, adobe

it's all piled on top of the top of the top of the bottom and back and forwards and around once more.

in a way, i really like it. i feel like i have purpose for right now.
i like having to put on some tea and stay up late to accomplish things i actually don't mind accomplishing.
things i love to accomplish.

i am taking this little bit of time to record my personal process in a short but meaningful blog.
you may not hear from me for a month. i am the person merrily stuck under the pile of all directions and heights...

i'm at Heather's parents place. my brother's at work, and Hather's at a group meeting for a few hours..
and i'm home alone, sketching, doing charcoal work and watching Pan's Labyrinth. Vitto said he would stop by with my books.
and he did. my drawing was interrupted by the doorbell, and Chloe started her barking.
i saw through the window, his harley davidson bicycle.. the one that was in his room, and i opened the door and there he was standing, looking better than ever, with my books in his hand, his tuque on his head and his orange sunglasses on. we talked for a bit, laughed for a bit, and said "yeahh...." at the end of every minute conversation.

he told me to give him a shout whenever i wanted to hang out..
and he's taking things slow with his girlfriend.

it was nice seeing him again.

it's been awhile. hello squanderers of the earth.

i promise to update regularly on the nooks and crannies of my everyday totally exciting and envious life.

which really is and has been. call me an artiste, if you will. i've been sketching and portfolio-ing like mad this spring break. i purchased two portfolio's today with Heather, one for ACAD and one for the U of A. i'm happy with the way things have been going, keeping busy, busy, busy.
my brother has moved out for the month, to house sit for Heather's parents while they are in Holland for a month.

i want to make this quick, but there are so many things to say about my super glamorous and scandalous life, that i may just crack under this pressure to report the deets. haha we all enjoy a laugh once in a while.

Vitto messaged me. wanting to get together to do a book swap.. i am all for it!
i started reading Into Thin Air yay!
i finished reading Submarine yay!
i'm going to Italy from July 2-August 6, and along with that i will be staying in London for 3 days to visit the birthplace of Shakespeare. how awesome. i can't wait. seriously!
i bought my graduation dress today, totally cute, but i love it because it isn't anything extravagant and it was pretty inexpensive.
i bought pre-sale tickets to see OASIS LIVE ON AUGUST 29, 2008 WITH MY BROTHER! best thing i could have done this week, hands down.
i'll be seeing Matthew Good in June with Breanne!!
i'm going on a roadtrip with my brother to Saskatchewan for his friends wedding on August 23rd
RADIOHEAD IN VANCOUVER END OF AUGUST!!!
i'll be purchasing a laptop in the very near future in order to fulfill my complete computer nerdiness yay!
andddd
i've chopped my hair off

EEK
it's awesome

ta ta