"Ready for a role reversal in a relationship? You're about to realize the tides have changed."

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

there are some things in this world that, even though you want to find flaws within, are purely joyful. they're those things, objects, people or moments that if even for a minute, seem incomprehensibly irreplacable.

He simply said i was pretty, said he'd always be there for me. She went shopping with me, we laughed, we watched television together and talked about the random things in this world that make it so unique yet beautiful.
sitting here, curled up on my couch with genetics worksheets on my lap, i cannot help but sing out loud the lyrics to all my favorite Coldplay songs. That is, precisely, when i realized those joyful moments in life. it may feel like the world is on my shoulders. it may feel like i have no escape, like i have a million things i should be doing. it may feel like my whole life is determined in this one short year but i sit nice and warm on my couch and sing. i sing loud so potential passerbys can hear these pure words and know that within those walls there is a girl who despite the wrongs in life, is experiencing bliss that nobody can take away from her.

it was then i realized how incredibly amazing Coldplay is. their melodies, and lyrics, the paino, drums, his voice, seem so unlike anything else in this world. who is so in touch with emotions and humans to be able to put such ridiculously powerful words together? if ones heart could talk, it would recite Coldplay lyrics.

some songs create an image in my mind of someplace or someone, and despite the bitter or resentful feelings that lay so close to my surface, i feel happy. the sadness is suddenly not so bad.

the songs spark emotion in me and whatever emotion it is, it's OK. it's been years and for words and harmonies to still give me a sense of self, of surroundings, of my heart, of my mind... it's something that cannot be expressed in words. it must be experienced.

Come on can’t I dream for one day
There’s nothing that can’t be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone

I’ve lived through my share of misfortune
And I’ve worked in the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone.

Because it’s dragging me down
I’d like to know about when
When does it all turn around

Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never.
Can I break the spell of the typical.
The typical
I’m just the typical
Can I break the spell of the typical

i weighed myself this morning. i lost 5 pounds =D

we texted until 2 in the morning and he said the sweetest things that gave me butterflies. is that weird??
i've known him for over 3 years and we liked each other the summer before grade 9 and i kind of shut him down when i told him i liked someone else. our relationship was the never the same after that.. it's always on and off. i can never really trust him because he's played with my head in the past. a lot of the time he would just tell me mean things and i'd tell him to fuck off, only to be talking to him a few months later.

then i realized he's only telling me the truth and i didn't want to believe it so i told him to fuck off.

he's being really nice and i really like talking to him. he even said i was pretty.

i had my first personal conversation with God two nights ago.

he was there for me

i felt like i had two true friends today. and that's the best feeling in the world.

after school i went shopping with Breanne and bought myself a pair of dark brown boots, a pair of really nice jeans, and a dark purple paisley scarf *love*

then at 4 i went to work and so did Breanne. after work i went to her house until 11 and we just watched television and talked.

she's someone i truly love. when i'm with her, it's just like.. amazing. we always have so much to talk about and it's so much fun. she has all the best qualities a friend could ask for, and she is an awesome person to consult when having important text conversations.

which brings me to Brian. today he made me so happy.
do you ever get those moments when you feel like pond scum and then the right person says the right thing at that moment??
thats what Brian did, i was ridiculously sad, and he sent me a text right before i could have had a breakdown. we talked and i told him i was lonely, he said he was too.

this morning he asked me if i was still sad. he told me he would give me a hug and that me and him are tight friends. he said he'll always be there for me and i'll always be there for him. and then he told me if i ever need to talk i can call him.

i hadn't felt so happy in a very long time.

Domenico got kicked off!!! if i was Tila, which fortunately i am not, i would have kept him until the very end.

he was so cool and literally, ridiculously cute.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
-i thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

...i completely failed to be a best friend and i ruined something that some people wish they could have.
wouldn't it be nice if we could blame every problem we have on something out of our control? i need to take control of my situations, problems, difficulties, flaws etc. so i can fix them.

i've been by myself. it's odd. i came home today totally happy, telling myself that "i don't rely on anyone, and no one relies on me."
and then it hits me. i walk into my room and he had sent me a text message asking if i wanted to talk today.
hell yes i do. i want to talk to my best friend who lives on the other side of the country because i know he'll make me feel better.

one day i'll have that. it'll happen one day and i won't ever have to feel like this again.

i wish he still lived here so we could fall in love with each other.

my horoscope said "time to stop making excuses for someone. just because you want them to be a good person doesnt mean they are." this would have been completely accurate one year ago.

i'm not sure of myself. i really never was. i'm this alien to everyone. i've created this life in my mind, this world of pre-conceived notions about everyone. i think people are who i expect them to be, when they're really not. it makes me awkward and i can't have decent conversations because i make them this big intimidating person in my world.

he intimidates me. i can barely look at him in the face when i see him.. although i wish i could stare all day long. he doesn't know what he's missing, but he will.

i used to think better of him, and on some level i still do think the same of him, but it's like there's this force field or something. i turn red and feel like i may break into hives.

i could stare at him all day

he told me he wants to meet me again. i told him he will. and he said, "i know i will, and then i'll show you how i feel about you."

Montreal is so far away when you're as little and helpless as me.

it's me.

i am watching Jumanji with my brother. it's an ok movie. before that i finished watching Babel. i'm not really sure how to interpret that movie. it seemed a little bit pointless, i definitely wasn't everything i thought it would be.
a movie i really want to see is Green Street Hooligans but i can't find it anywhere. it's upsetting. i really hate that. there's a bunch of movies i would love to see, and once i get to the movie store, i can't seem to think of any of them. and the one movie i remember every single time, they never have.

me, my brother and Jocelyn rented Babel Thursday night. she bought me a lollipop. i still haven't finished it. i like to consider it a working progress.

i also started reading this book that my mom just finished reading. it's called "Eat, Pray, Love." about a woman who moves to Italy for four months to eat, then moves to India for four months to meditate, and then to Indonesia for four months where she meets her new husband. i forgot to mention that this travelling all takes place after her divorce, and it's all a true story. i really like it so far. i recommend it to you, whoever is reading this.

my mom says the only way i'll be comfortable with speaking Italian is if she sends me there by myself for 3 months. i've been there 7 times before, and i know how to speak it, but i never speak it. i get shy and i hate messing up so i don't really like speaking it. i would totally go to Italy by myself for 3 months under these conditions: 1) i had someone direct me through airports because they're intimidating and i'd get lost in Frankfurt for SURE, 2) i didn't visit family the whole time.

by the second condition, i mean i would want to go all over Italy, and not just stay in my mom's town where my family and friends are. that's when i tend to bottle up and not show my personality. i'm just afraid my family won't understand who i am if i attempted to show my personality more than i already do.

plus, when i'm in Italy i always wish i could meet people and flirt, you know, but my friends in Tuenno are all so tightly knit and everyone knows everyone so if i even attempted to get close with one of the guys, the whole town may find out by the next morning.

on another note, i had my graduation photos yesterday. it started with me really not wanting to go, i showed up with a nice shirt and then i had sweatpants tucked into my soccer socks on the bottom. i refused to take full body shots. the make up artist sat me down and powered my face. and all the while i was thinking about the particles of oil and grease and skin cells of the previous person nesting into my own skin.

but once it came down to it, i was sitting in front of the camera with all lights on me and she gave me a mirror and i couldn't believe how awesome i looked. my last picture i had the hat on and she passed me a mirror to see me with the hat and i half-gawked at my reflection. i looked really good, and i looked like a graduate. neither of those realizations i couldn't bring myself to believe.

she took about twenty shots. now i just need to graduate.

i was at school and in the hallway by the library there was a table set up and they were selling styrofoam cups of green juice. they were drugged but i can't remember if i was aware of it or not. i bought one. and then i drank it. i was with Alyssa at her locker when everything started getting blurry and things were in slow motion. people's conversations were dulled and dragging on.

and then i woke up 10 minutes late and i stumbled around and ran into the coffee table, and then ran into my couch until i finally made it into my closet.

what the hell kind of a dream is that.

on the news there was this lady talking about this huge fire she was in and how she lost everything.
i barely paid attention and later thought that if i was her, i wouldn't want to be interviewed just to be half-watched by fortunate families eating their dinner of shrimp pasta.

when i finish this post, i am going to read my posts one year ago and see exactly when i snuck out of the house with Joe.

I took a quiz on Facebook called "Which Entourage character are you?"

I'm Ari Gold. i love him. i miss him. i miss that show.

What Type of Chick Am I?

Down to earth Chick

Sometimes you can be a complete mystery but over all you are down to earth. You are smart and you have a great personality. People are attracted to you but you are careful about who you let into your life. You don't ask for a lot out of relationships but you do expect respect, honesty,trust, and values.

i am so bored!

i didn't know butterflies came out in the winter time. but they did.

i get to spend time with my cousin from Calgary tonight YES
this weekend we're going out for my brother and mother's birthday YES
snowboarding this weekend YES
there's snow on the ground YES
it's almost Christmas YES
diploma's are soon.

i'm not sure what it is, but i enjoy being alone.

most of the time, i enjoy sitting on my bed with Boots curled up beside me while i study and do my homework. i get this feeling of accomplishment, like the cloud over my head is gone.

it's like the time of day i can be myself.

i know there's probably no one out there who likes study time like i do.

recent days have been filled with reconciliations, reunions.

Nicole wants me to write more so she can read more. i have found an unusual niche in my life right now, that involves me being the most reasonable and responsible that i have ever been.

it's an odd personality change.

possible reasons for this change:
- last year of high school
- the real world next year, when none of this will matter
- my brother's speeches on how i should just buckle down this year and get through this bull shit

my social life is at a critical low this year, and i couldn't be happier. there probably is something wrong with me.

"People probably think i'm this emotional philosophical mess due to all my journal writing. People like myself should never be given the opportunity to analyze and figure out their feelings. Especially publicly."
by me.

when i'm awake, i might as well be sleeping. i'm becoming more and more speechless, but i'm fine with it.

if i don't plan to do something i most likely will do it, but it seems when i plan to do something, my subconscious does everything possible to avoid it.

i have to think about it for a fleeting second and forget about it, then walk a block in my house until i sit down comfortably in a temporary oasis and decide upon heads and tails in my mind, making both heads and tails the exact same thing, whichever i choose, which ultimately doesn't really matter, i should spontaneously do, although a period of time ago, i thought about it for a fleeting second.

that's how i should live my life, because if i plan to do dreadful things like studying, i will never do them.. unless i use the Fleeting Second method. if i plan things i love to do, as you all know, i will do them.


i don't speak English, i speak non-sense after long periods of study time.

i need to seriously buckle down or hell is going to freeze over.

i am confined to my house, school, work and the gym for the next few months and i'm happy about it. i am almost 18, and it's about time i focus on important things in life.

7 week until Diploma exams. i just need to suck it up and get my 80's and forget about everything else. friends, my social life, and fun are not nearly as important as my studies right now. i just need to get through this bull shit so i can get to the really good stuff next year. i just need to keep going and study my brains out.

i talked to Fernando Pisani yesterday, of course i didn't know it was him until Mitch told me it was later on. this was our conversation:

C: Hi, welcome to Second Cup what can we get for you?
FP: Hi, do you have any banana nut muffins left?
C: Give me a second, i'll go check.
...
C: we don't right now, sorry.
FP: do you have walnut muffins?
C: we have morning glory muffins, which have pieces of walnut on top
FP: does it have other nuts?
C: ya it does
FP: ok, i'll take two of those, and a small hot chocolate
C: did you want whip cream on that?
FP: no thanks
C: ok see you at the window.


OMG I KNOW