hmmph.
i dont wanna type. so i'll just give you the deets.
1) pascale took me out for lunch
2) pascale bought me Garden State and we watched it at his house
3) saw The Holiday with Breanne
4) went to Red Robbins with Breanne, Nick (st. joes) and Darin (st. joes)
where Julie was working, so she was cool and got us alcohol :D
haha
now im sitting here talking to Jordan on MSN as he's shirtless on webcam hahaha.
and yes
my legs hurt.
this morning i woke up ten minutes early without any problem.
this morning as i sat in the dark and listened to my music
i didn't feel the sadness i usually do. instead, i smiled.
yesterday stephane told me to smile. and then he called me a wench.
i would hate to be one of those girls who always need someone there for her. the one's that can't handle being independent.
but maybe i do need someone all the time. maybe i'm scared to be independent, although sometimes it's nice to trick ourselves into being something we're not to cover any flaws we may have.
maybe i don't want to be lonely. and maybe i'll do anything to avoid being lonely.
but who can blame me? i guess i just wasn't made for handling lonliness well.
and maybe when you try filling that gap for four months, but it never seems to fill up, maybe i was
always looking in the wrong place. and maybe that place wasn't willing to help me fill that gap.
so then i thought maybe i should look somewhere else.
although it still hurts, i can't keep going to you to make me happy if you're not willing. i can't force you to do something you don't want to even if you say otherwise. actions speak louder than words and i can't help that. maybe i'm not what you're looking for, and maybe you're not the one for me. but always know you're important to me, i'll care about you always, i miss you, and i'll always be there for you, like i always am..
hmm i am so incredibly unbelievably totally completely utterly bored out of my FRICKEN mind. and i sit here thinking how my mother did a swell job in ruining my first semester of grade eleven by grounding me on November 1st for two months for a 67 in Religion and a 70 in Math. and guess what? it's not like those marks are any better!
have i mentioned that grade eleven is a huge painful slap in the face that's gonna leave a red mark once i fail some courses and the option of University is nicely crossed out with a red X, conveniently the same color of the mark that's gonna be left on my face by my mother once all these unfortunate events nicely fall into place within the next few months.
GREAT ISN'T IT?
and you know what's greater? no matter how much i contemplate the consequences and how bad they can really turn out, all i can really do is sit here and right about how i'm going to end up a bum on Jasper Avenue or a prostitute on Whyte Avenue. might as choose now, between Jasper and Whyte. ERRR what is wrong with me. moving this computer into my room was seriously not a good idea AT ALL.
you know what else is not a good idea AT ALL. getting involved with boys that make you go nuts when you really try your hardest to not let it get to you while you try desperately to study for Biology or Social or Math or whatever class it is you're failing.
there's just a ton of factors to take into consideration. it's been almost four months. FOUR MONTHS IN THIS SECRET ALLIANCE. it's just so weird. i mean, my longest relationship was 2 months and 3 weeks in grade nine HAHA. and this is like.. four months? and it's not even a real thing. its a secret alliance as i like to call it, but i don't know. it's just so frustrating. and then a second later it's not frustrating at all, it's re-assuring, and then the next second it's frustrating all over again.
and then there's the hormones racing and all the other guys i'm attracted to at the same time. it's just nuts. i am a huge mess. i swear.
another thing i noticed. well, actually, i don't feel like writing it. haha. sorry about the inclination of suspense there :P
hmm so Will's in Hawaii right now.
i'm grounded right now.
Joe's.. i don't know where Joe is.
Daniel's at his girlfriend's.
The Fray just told me "heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why. hold on tight wait for tomorrow you'll be alright."
why does that just seem to make me laugh.
tomorrow me and Pascale are gonna spend lunch together. to talk and stuff.
we're discussing where we're gonna go.
do you ever have friends, but they're friends you always joke around with and sometimes you feel like awkward around them because all you do is joke around?
i'm thinking maybe hanging out with him tomorrow might be a mistake. but i know it's not like someone else is going to come see me..
so i'm going to.
and maybe i won't joke around this time.
maybe i'll say something that means something.
something smart. and something that might seem like i'm opening up.
although, there really isn't much there to let him discover.
i also noticed..
maybe i do laugh too much. and joke around too much.
i've always been that way though. i wonder if it's a cover up.
i don't know though. i really don't...
maybe i do that to avoid fights or disagreements. i tend to give a little chuckle here and there
even if it's only to lighten things up once and awhile
when things need to be lightened up.
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Andrew: "You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself - This is love... this is love."
Sam: "This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."
Andrew: "I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."
Andrew: "There?s a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed."
Sam: "There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I could miss."
Andrew: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home any more. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit that idea of home is gone."
Sam: "I still feel at home in my house."
Andrew: "You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."
Mark: "I'm ok with being unimpressive. I sleep better."
Andrew: "Let's just talk about good stuff. "
Sam: "Good stuff?"
Andrew: "Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?"
Sam: "I got a little buzz. I got that. What you got?"
Andrew: "I got a little buzz going and I like you."
Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.
Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman: So?
Sam: He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
Sam: "You have to listen to this song.. it'll change your life I swear."
Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground, but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud... and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?
So what if you catch me, where would we land?
In somebody's life forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's thrown on the sand.
All of your works are rated again.
Where to go? But it's all wrong, you're so strong.
i've never felt so into any movie before in my entire life. i cried, i laughed, i thought. and it was good.
i mean, this movie is simply complicated and complicatedly simple. there are no words to describe it.
but i want that.
sitting in the dark under a big blanket on my usual chair.. Boots came and found me and he fell asleep in my lap during the movie. do you ever watch a movie and when the credits come up, you just sit there for minutes upon minutes until you realize you've been sitting there minutes upon minutes? so picked up Boots in my arms, turned off the DVD player and the TV and went upstairs to my room. and now i'm here.
i've had the soundtrack to Garden State on my iPod for the longest time, and i always listened to it 'cause it's really good, but it always brings new meaning to a song after you see it in a really good movie. i remember reading Megan's nexopia blog and there was this quote on what love is. snot running down your nose and someone loving you enough to lend you a sleeve. i never knew where it was from. and then i watched them sitting in the bathtub, and his telling the story of his mom, and i remembered where i heard it. and then at the end, just having Let Go by Frou Frou playing .. it totally completely topped it off. every song that came up just made me feel even more of whatever it was i was feeling.
i love Zach Braff with my entire heart. and i had no idea he wrote that movie until the end credits.
and not to mention the laughs. i felt like an idiot sitting there by myself laughing at the shirt this lady friend of his mom's made him and how he blended in with the wall. i laughed so hard and then i felt like a retard 'cause i was by myself. and when she got the cup to save his tear.. haha. that made me laugh too.
it's definitely one of the cutest movies i have ever seen.. and it definitely got a 6/5 on my movie ratings..
i just realized how pathetic and how big a loner i am.. i think i may become the crazy cat lady when i'm older..
oh yeah, one last thing. i fucking laughed when he did his moment of originality :P HAHAHAH
So yeah, last night I wrote some stuff in my cell phone so there’s a few things I’d like to cover…
I think there’s a fine line between making someone feel better and leading them on. Don’t you? I mean, you could be making them feel better, but you could always be saying a whole bunch of crap just to make them feel better. Right? AM I RIGHT? I don’t know, I thought about that..
Also, I have to blame all the stupid shit I say and do on my gender. Because I am 100 percent positive if I wasn’t a girl, I wouldn’t do half the stupid shit I do and say half the stupid shit I say. Girls suck and so does being one.
Since I am currently in Communications, I should probably go and study some more social for the test I have in about 20 minutes. ERR WILL ISN’T HERE BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO HAWAII TOMORROW I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY HE IS.
"How do you feel about a friend who has to go everywhere with you? Not only does he tag along all the time, but since he is so offensive and vulgar, you become unwelcome when with him. He has a peculiar odor that sticks to you wherever you go. Others think both of you stink. He controls you totally. When he says jump, you jump. Sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or storm, he wants you to come to the store and pick him up. You would give your spouse hell if he or she did that to you all the time, but you can't argue with your friend. Sometimes, when you are out at a movie or play he says he wants you to go stand in the lobby with him and miss important scenes. Since he calls all the shots in your life, you go. Your friend doesn't like your choice of clothing either. Instead of politely telling you that you have lousy taste, he burns little holes in these items so you will want to throw them out. Sometimes, he tires of the furniture and gets rid of it too. Occasionally, he gets really nasty and decides the whole house must go. He gets pretty expensive to support. Not only is his knack of property destruction costly, but you must pay to keep him with you. In fact, he will cost you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. And you can count on one thing, he will never pay you a penny in return. Often at picnics you watch others playing vigorous activities and having lots of fun doing them. But your friend won't let you. He doesn't believe in physical activity. In his opinion, you are too old to have that kind of fun. So he kind of sits on your chest and makes it difficult for you to breathe. Now you don't want to go off and play with other people when you can't breathe, do you? Your friend does not believe in being healthy. He is really repulsed by the thought of you living a long and productive life. So every chance he gets he makes you sick. He helps you catch colds and flu. Not just by running out in the middle of the lousy weather to pick him up at the store. He is more creative than that. He carries thousands of poisons with him which he constantly blows in your face. When you inhale some of them, they wipe out cilia in your lungs which would have helped you prevent these diseases. But colds and flu are just his form of child's play. He especially likes diseases that slowly cripple you - like emphysema. He considers this disease great. Once he gets you to have this, you will give up all your other friends, family, career goals, activities - everything. You will just sit home and caress him, telling him what a great friend he is while you desperately gasp for air. But eventually your friend tires of you. He decides he no longer wishes to have your company. Instead of letting you go your separate ways, he decides to kill you. He has a wonderful arsenal of weapons behind him. In fact, he has been plotting your death since the day you met him. He picked all the top killers in society and did everything in his power to ensure you would get one of them. He overworked your heart and lungs. He clogged up the arteries to your heart, brain, and every other part of your body. In case you were too strong to succumb to this, he constantly exposed you to cancer causing agents. He knew he would get you sooner or later. Well, this is the story of your "friend," your cigarette. No real friend would do all this to you. Cigarettes are the worst possible enemies you ever had. They are expensive, addictive, socially unacceptable, and deadly. Consider all this and - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! Joel © Joel Spitzer 1990, 2001 "
thanks Leigha, for that message that didn't really affect me in any way but the abdominal muscles.
so going by the notes in my cell phone NotePad, i have a few things to cover...
i've come to the conclusion that this thing going on would be a valid secret alliance. i don't know what else to call it.. but knowing that even when you're pissed off you know it's still good? i think i'd call that an alliance.. obviously not one eligible for Big Brother or Survivor, but one that's eligible in life.
when i yawn, i never really can make my mind up as to whether or not i should cover my mouth or not. and the thing is, by the time i decide to cover my mouth, i'm done yawning. so i'm sitting there with my hand over my already-finished-yawning mouth. and as a result, i look like a fool.
i re-arranged my room yesterday. and then i went on MSN to inform whoever it was that decided to talk to me. and after i told him, he said "wtf is with you and re-arranging your room?" and then i said "i dunno.. i just.. i dunno lol" and then i continued to say "i guess it just makes me feel better" and he said "you should be an interior designer" and i said "i considered it.."
ok, so i went to West Ed. yesterday right? and one thing i notice that ALWAYS confuses me is debit machines. i mean, they swipe my card, k cool, then they hand me that handheld thing, k cool, and then it always takes me 5 minutes to just find the right button. it's confusing, anger inducing, and embarassing. not a good combination.
last but not least. THE RIDE ALWAYS BEATS THE DESTINATION. what does that mean? well, i find that anticipation is always more fun than the thing you are actually anticipating. kinda like Christmas. don't you think the wait is more fun than Christmas itself? another example (a well-known one) is the chase. the chase in relationships. once the chase is over, it really isn't fun anymore sometimes, unless you're caught in a situation like mine and you spend 3 months in the chase like you're trapped in the chase and it's always aggravating but generally rewarding and fun. it's like, knowing what could happen, but you know not's gonna happen. it's real weird. but yes, thats another thing i've learned: the ride always beats the destination
"the past is just the future with lights on" -- Zacharie's MSN personal message
Jealousy is only another act in showing how much you want her
Holding her is only another act in showing how much you need her
Kissing her is only another act in showing how much you admire her
The amount of times you smile at her, is telling her how beautiful you think she is
But respect is telling her the how much you actually care and love her
Every night , someone thinks about you before
they go to sleep,
At least fifteen people in this world love you.
The only reason someone would ever hate you is
because they want to be
just like you
There are at least two people in this world that
would die for
you
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on
you, take a look.
Always remember the compliments you've received.
Forget the rude remarks.
one more thing.. let's keep this between us, because to be honest?
i highly doubt any of them have big enough balls to go through with it anyways.
honestly now, COME THE FUCK ON. some people just can't realize how lucky they are. either that or they're just huge vacuums who want to suck everyone's attention.
jeeeeeeeeesus.
my mind fails to understand why people constantly try changing things that can't be changed. why can't people just accept things for what they are instead of moping about it over and over and over again.
deal with it.
i mean, i don't understand how these people are gonna last when life actually begins. high school is just a prep for real life, and if people can't even handle high school then good luck to them in the future. seriously.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY AND GO HAVE FUN. it makes me laugh in a way, because i KNOW in the future they'll look back, and regret how ridiculously gay and retarded and just.. ridiculous they were.
it just absolutely blows my mind to bits. i mean, i admit, sometimes i can be a major drama queen myself i'm a girl it's kind of expected. but at least i can realize how incredibly stupid i'm being about a certain situation and instead of fucking bitching and whining about it i find myself turning on some good music to dance to. sometimes that's all you need to just get in your head how much of an enormous joke high school really is.
none of it's gonna fucking matter (besides marks) when you're out looking for a job and raising a family and paying bills. now thats what i'm gonna get all worked up about. thats when it's normal to resort to extreme ridiculous measures.. when your business goes down the drain, your kids stress you out and you can't seem to pay the bills. then you get kicked out of your house for collateral and then where you gonna go??? i'm pretty sure when it comes to paying bills every month instead of buying worthless crap, you're gonna regret how complicated you made life seem when you were a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst.
and maybe it does seem like i'm a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst. and maybe i am wrong about all the above. but would it hurt to at least think that? so you can at least get on with your life when it needs to be gotten on?!?!?!
haha oh yeah. i saw Pascale at church on Saturday. LMAO. i think that's hilarious. seeing people you don't think go to church, at church.
wow.
so on a totally unrelated topic
i should never tell a boy i love him unless it's under these circumstances: he says it first, and i actually feel it.
so i doubt i'll ever say it haha.
but that's ok
blah i bought these really awesome shoes today from Oasis. Tweed Converse. i'm a shoe fanatic and my collection was longing for Converse. Converse is like an essential. even if i'm not a big fan of Converse, they had tweed exterior silk interior. WHO WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO THAT? maybe you regular people could, but i, for one, am not a regular person.
kay, i am currently experiencing the biggest mother fucking headache known to mankind. i am truly sorry for the cursing as well. but there was no other way to describe this monster pain. HOLY SHIT if i was emo i would probably shoot myself in the forehead or in the mouth right about
now.
have i mentioned that i added another string to my wrist? well yes i did. and it's white. i'm not quite sure what it stands for yet. i have to think of something soon though. i have 4 strings on my wrist now. the first one i put on was this beige string that i liked. and it reminded me to be happy. because i was going through a pretty shitty time last April, and that's when i put this string on. the other one has 7 light blue beads on it. i got it at the Kelowna airport. it's like tradition. two years ago me and my brother got them at that airport and he still has his, but i had to take mine off for dance shows. so this summer i got another one. it represents Romance. it's one of those wish bracelets. but i only got it for the color. another one of them is grey yarn. yarn my grandma was using when i decided to take a piece to put on my wrist. at the time it meant nothing but now it reminds me of Italy and family, so i keep it. then last week i found some white string in my brother's room so i decided to cut a piece off and put it on. hopefully i find something for it to represent soon. possibly self-discipline. 'cause i wanna get in shape by New Years. OMG i've got it. ok, so when you're in shape you don't need to wear black to look slimmer, right? so people in shape look good in white, and the string is white, so it all relates to each other.
WOW IM GENIOUS.
autographs later...
i rattled my brain to come up with what it is exactly that i would like to see under the Christmas tree...
-new good quality headphones
-iPod polish
-Che Guevara poster by Andy Warhol (floor to ceiling)
-money
-Step Up
-self-discipline
-good times with family
-"better days" as the song says
-good marks = more freedom
-anything that possesses any relation to Andy Warhol or Che Guevara
i don't know, there isn't anything i really want this year that other people could get me.
i'll just say i want whatever it is my mom bought and wrapped and placed under the tree haha.
"i want it. it is you"
The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see you with the Sun shining in my eyes
I said "Hello" but you kept on walking
I'm Going deaf from the sound of the freeway
The Last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't hear you with your voice ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night
I couldn't feel you, your always too far away
The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see you with the smoke getting in my eyes
I said "Hello" but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the DJ
I don't, don't wanna take you home
Please don't, don't make me sleep alone
If I could, I'd only want to make you smile
If you would stay with me a while
wow Home Alone is my favorite Christmas movie. my mom says it's dumb, but it's the only one i actually enjoy watching. and i can't help but feel those tears of joy wash over me sometimes :P
so my weekend's consist of me watching movies in this comfy chair wrapped in a blanket. at first, i'm excited to watch a movie because i love them so much, there's a side to that .. that wishes i wasn't by myself.. that wishes my weekends consisted of more than that.. that wishes i being a home-body wasn't part of who i am. and after i'm done watching the movie, i always have this overwhelmind feeling because movies get to me in that way, and then i sit there in this big comfy chair wishing someone was there with me and knowing that things would be that much better if i wasn't all alone.
and then i tell myself to suck it up because you only really have one person in this world and that's yourself. you can't count on anyone but yourself to make you feel happy when you don't feel happy. so you're forced to sit there, enjoy your own company, feel that longing within yourself for that one person who you had a fight with and that person who left without saying goodbye. you know it's not done. you always have fights, but nothing's ever really done.
but i can't help but feel lonely and by myself a lot of the time. i've come to love my two kitties so much because they're the only things that seem like they really need you. to have them follow you around the house, purr in your ear, cuddle with.. they're always there no matter what. i can't help but feel grateful towards them. Smokey never was a cuddly cat, he stood his own ground, didn't seem to really need me in anyway, and that's how come i loved him. but he's gone, and i can't help but feel pure bliss when i think of Baby and Boots. and sometimes you don't understand how comforting it is to have a pet.
i don't know where i'm going with this, but i never know where i'm going with this. with anything. i plan to stay up late tonight because my mom's not taking me to Italian School tomorrow morning. i really want to go to dance though. we might be doing a relaxation class or watch a ballet movie. and i want to see my friends too. then we're going to church. for advent. i don't really mind church anymore. it's a time to think. i don't really pay attention to what's going on, if there's anything i'm really looking at, it's the various unique characteristics of other people.
you-nique. i saw that somewhere once and it made me smile.
..i'm thinkin' i'm gonna be a computer nerd and since i have the opportunity to use my brother's fast laptop, i might put that computer nerdiness to good use.
that's what i am. pretty ok. isn't that a good feeling? to know someone's there. to find someone who gives you butterflies again.
maybe i should stop talking. because it's been three months and the butterflies haven't left me yet. sometimes they get droopy.
but it's good to know i won't ever let them get too droopy. it's good to know i have myself above anyone else.
i've changed a lot, i think. i said that least year too, but it's only 'cause it's true
i always wanted to post this in here, and it just happens to be perfect timing..
To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and
I miss you.
this weekend i want to go shopping. i want to buy a nice sweater and some nice pants. don't you love that feeling when you buy something that looks so good and so nice on you? you feel like you can conquer the world. i want to go on a trip. i can't wait to leave this summer. packing my suitcases, laying out my clothes for the airplane. buying new clothes, new shoes, new magazines. there's something about airports that get me excited. i love the atmosphere. i love the crowds surrounding the luggage carrier device. waiting impatiently for their luggage to make it's way to them. i love waiting for your flight to arrive, looking out the huge windows at the airplanes. i love take off and how i always burst with laughter and giggly-ness and then i look at my mom so she can laugh with me, and she's there with her eyes closed. she hates flying. well, i don't know if she really minds it or not, i just assume because she hasn't said otherwise. maybe i anticipate airplanes so much because they're always leading you to some kind of new adventure. you're either leaving home, with people awaiting your arrival in a distant location, and they have a prepared plan for your vacation, or you could be returning home, thoughts about how inviting your bed is, with your pillows filled with the scent of laundry because you always clean everything before you leave for long periods of time. remembering how it felt to slide your feet along your own hard-wood floor. to sit in your computer chair that has memorized the curves of your cute bum. to lay in bed, knowing you have nothing planned for the next day, that you don't have a new adventure to embark on, which can also be quite assuring, especially after all you've been doing is seeing new and exciting things for a month. it's also nice to go on adventures. it's a reason to charge your iPod, a reason to think of what band is worthy of accompanying you on that certain adventure. it's always hard leaving family behind though. and sometimes i make fun to cover up my tears. me and my mom left them, she hugged her brother and they both teared up. i laughed at his tears. and he just pinched my cheek and kissed my forehead. i still remember seeing him standing there. tall and skinny guy. his navy blue pants, with his thin white button down slightly unbuttoned at the top just like italian men wear it. had his tobacco pouch in his pocket. his camera around his shoulder. he took pictures of everything. and my self-consciousness kicked in whenever it was pointed towards me. i made awkward poses, because sometimes i feel i don't deserve to be photographed. but then i regret it because i look silly. why didn;t i just strike a pose, make him happy, do something completely and utterly outgoing.. i would have liked the outcome so much better. the result never was satisfying when i gave a meek smile or hid some part of my face with my hands. i miss waking up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to find my grandpa fallen asleep on the dirty, smelly, disorderly couch. his feet propped up on the chair, the italian news still playing, his glasses on and the newspaper in his lap. my brother wants to go to Greece too. he said he wants to stay in hostels. i cannot possibly wait a whole semester for this vacation.
who am i kidding, i send him an email stating how nice it would be if he tried to give me a call. i know he won't. it seems i expect the worst, and the worst always happens. exept it's not the worst anymore. it's just how it is. it's not good or bad, i just have found this new found capability to predict his doings and his not-doings.. and they no longer have a status of either good or bad. is there a problem with that? i mean, people tell me otherwise. but when it comes down to it, i'm the one in the situation. it's my opinion that matters above all, and i don't have a problem with how it is now, but then i think maybe i should start having a problem with it? i did, and then it happened so often it just stopped even phasing me. i'll see what happens. maybe i should strike a pose.. see what the outcome is
song/artist - Romulus/Sufjan Stevens [<3]
so today i had trouble with some words. do armageddon, revelation and apocalypse all mean the same thing? i know apocalypse and revelation do, but isn't armageddon the end of all things too?
because i wanted to say that i believe there isn armageddon/apocalypse/revelation.. i just think that maybe they happen at different times for all of us, like, when we die. maybe after we die, we see armageddon/apocalypse/revelation. i don't know, it was just a thought. and another thought would be that writing these three words, armageddon/apocalypse/revelation, is really quite frustrating. thank god for copy and paste!
i also realized that there is a great big difference between
a) i hate people who...
b) i hate it when people...
whenever i say one of those two phrases, i always end up thinking twice, because i rarely hate people, i just hate the things people do sometimes lol. hate should never be used. i don't use it towards people very often.. i prefer dislike. but life's too short and too good to dislike anyone. i just have fun with everyone. it's fun.. try it :P
today Amanda reminded me that it is in fact, the last episode of Laguna Beach Season 3. i'm prepared for tears, because the prom episodes always make me CRY! it's horrible. the memories, the tears, the music, the preparation.. it's all just the climb to the top of the mountain of tears and reminiscing.
*sigh*
have i mentioned LG (life's good)? me Jeff and Will.i.am went to get donairs at lunch today. and mine cooperated. no spills or nothing. it was funny though, 'cause me and Will.i.am were standing in line, and there was some Club scene taken place in China or something. and it was pretty comical.
=)
i just noticed a swear down there my friends. that's a prime example of my frequent hipocracy.
not like i didn't tell you so....
so i couldn't find the song. i even hollered at my b-ro :P hahaha. and i asked him if he remembered that God song. and he asked me how it went. he repeated it and i heard Jon (his friend) in the background singing some song about God making music and the people danced and he saw that it was good. it was rather comical. i even googled it. and I COULDNT FIND IT. and it makes me angry because i remember liking that song. and the lyrics were pretty sweet too. so i settled for downloading a bunch of random shit and some Lisa Lashes.
so my eyes started burning out of their sockets so i jumped on my bed and laid there for a few minutes and then i had some thoughts. and here's the thought process i had.
--i hate when he sends me those texts that just say "k", because i always get that nervous feeling inside-- i just hate it when people give me one answer replies --but then again, sometimes those one word answers can make you feel so good-- they make you feel even better when their short instead of a long paragraph-- hmm when its long you forget the top half by the time your done the bottom half -- plus, guys usually are people of less words, so it all kinda works out -- hmm i think i can make a generalization for this..
and here's what i came up with:
the words that heal most, hurt most and mean most, are put together in a sentence that is half of this or less.
i know hey. i made that myself. i was quite proud too
it's good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its gooooood when those benny benassi songs have that bass that blocks your eardrum from everything but that bass its good its good its good its good its good its good its good i didn't know he did that Hit My Heart song. i love that song, i've listened to it for ages and i had no clue he did that. he live sin Milan. i wanna go there. i wanna go back. its good its good its good its good tis good its good. haha try doing that real fast to music. it's pretty cool. its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its haha so cool. i drank a total of 4 bottles of water. its good its good its good i had lasagna when i got home it was real good its good its good its good its good it sgood life's goooooood. swearing in writing is gay. i did it lots and then i read it and was like wow thats so not cool. swearing in real life actually makes sense 'cause you're angry at something, and swearing just helps it out. writing a swear doesn't do anything for you. so i don't know why i did it. i'm sorry. it was very gay of me. i've decided i'm done with it. it's an it, an object. not a person. it's good its good its good. it sucks when i wake up in the morning and my left teeth hurt and are sore from who knows what. but it hurts. but then it goes away and its good its good its good its good its good. i wanna get that techno song i heard in Beverly. about how God made music. and he saw that it was good. it was good it was good it was good. its good its good its good its good. fuck i am bored. i'm thinking you're thinking this is a really weird entry. but its good no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do. some guy just signed into MSN his name is 240. isn't it 420? dummmie. no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do. i don't get why i hafta know how to type with 8 fingers when i do perfectly fine with 6. thumb index middle thumb index middle. on both hands. i really wanna find that one song. its gonna bug me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. its good its good its good everythings good. i'm gonna find that song now.
You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot.
So who's this other guy you've got?
Which other rubes are riding hot-shot, sugar?
I could have swore you said before, "No more, for sure."
What'd I believe you for?
You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot.
so today i realized just how much of a high school my high school really is.
i was walking around with Jeff, in circles as usual, trying to find something to do.
we pass by the elevator, and there's a group of black people playing their music real loud and dancing and stuff and me and Jeff just looked at each other and felt a feeling of awkwardness and hilariosity. then when lunch was done, i walked up the stairs to go to my locker and there was this group of three people playing cards. not like with a deck of cards, but with some kind of Pokemon cards or something, they had them on this mat too. and they were all holding books with instructions or something that had to do with the game. my eyes widened and i just walked away. plus, there's always over weight people sitting in random staircases too. not making fun or anything, it just reminded me of those movies where they make stereotypes of high school, and mine just happens to prove them right. haha
anyways, i'm working on Circle Geometry right now in math. and i must say, i've never been so excited about math before. it's SO FUN. it's like solving puzzles or something. it's awesome. we were in this big group of 7 in math, we were all sitting together, and me and Madison were going insane discussing how to figure out these things, and it was so funny 'cause Alex and Breanne were just sitting there staring at us becoming so involved in this stuff, and Brenden Megan and Anna just copied some other guys sheet. i was pretty determined to do it myself lol.
yeah, it's only Tuesday, but it's been a pretty good week haha. it's only been two days though. there were a few people today that made me laugh uncontrollably... Will.i.am, Lauren, Amanda (she's going to China tonight!!!!), and Melissa. haha. i saw her in the "alley" across the street at lunch where it's legal to smoke haha.
me and Jeff shared a cinnamon one, and the tube smelled like Christmas. I CAN'T WAIT.
oh yeah haha, another thing that made me laugh is today in Bio Amanda turned to me and started talking about this video of this guy chopping his penis off that Steph sent her yesterday, and it was funny 'cause he sent me the exact same thing yesterday too. i admit, i can be morbid, but even this made me cringe... and i don't even have balls.
i wore my really awesome really cool button bracelets today. me and my little cousin Nicla made them when i was in Italy this summer. have i mentioned i wanna go back ?
so yeah i forgot to tell you, Sunday morning i was watching TV, when all of a sudden
DEXTER'S LABORATORY came on and i almost quite literally peed myself.
it's one of those cartoons i whole-heartedly loved. i never got sick of it, i never got annoyed with it, i just loved it to DEATH I TELL YOU. so i watch that. and i'm going to make it a point to watch it every week 'til i die. or it dies. one of the two. one thing that i noticed though was Dexter's accent. when i was a kid, it didn't really phase me that Dexter has a foreign accent. it's actually really funny. but when i watched it yesterday, i was like WHOA Dexter's an immigrant!! well, no, but he has the accent. it's so cool. but weird how i just realized this now..
i also had a discussion with Stephane about Pogs. probably the greatest joy of life. (P.O.G. = probably of greatest hahaha) anyways, yes. last year i slipped five really sweet pogs into his wallet when he left it at my house, and we started talking about them. i played Pogs all the time in Beverly when i was a youngin. they were THE coolest, actually that was my BigFoot Slammer. wow. amazing. never let me down that thing. one side was haulographic and the other side was this rubber stuff that smelled so good like bubblegum. i still have it. i still have all of them actually, even the ones me and my brother HOME MADE. yeah that's right.
i have also come to realize that grade eleven is probably the biggest slap in the face ever. i mean, grade ten's easy, 'cause you just got out of junior high blah blah, but grade eleven is when you realize a) you really are as dumb as you always thought you were, b) you really aren't as smart as you thought you were, c) you can't bullshit you're way out of anything anymore, d) you graduate next year, meaning everything you do now affects everything you do next year affects your whole
entire
life.
i clearly did not read the memos. you know, the really big bright ones that everyone's been flashing towards me since i was in, like elementary.
Ooh..
I just died in your arms
tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just
died in your arms tonight
Ooh..I just died in your
arms tonight,
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away,
I should have walked away
Is there any just coarse for felling like this ?
so i got an e-mail from Manuela. my cousin in Italy, today. i met her for the first time this summer. her e-mail made my day. it's cool, because our e-mails are english/italian. it was cute, she's 14 and her e-mail said: " HI CHRI! how are U? ". and it literally made my day. i want to go back so bad. i sent her one back .. half english half italian. i told her how me and my brother are going there this summer and we should do something. i asked if she was ready for Christmas and how i am not :P, and then i asked how school was going and then i told her to say hi to Roberta and everyone and also her family. and i wished her a Merry Christmas.
i love it. anyways
another thing that made my day and ever day of pretty much my entire life is Lauren Sbitney's daily stupidity. i swear, if there's one person in this whole world that makes me laugh til i pee, it's her. i mean, just sitting here with this mental image of her doing Nacho Libre's butt clench makes me laugh out loud. she's such a fagturf. i love people like her, that are just so awkward and random and hysterical, that you're always laughing when you're around them even if you're having one of the shittiest days in the history of mankind. but she's also cool in the way that you can have serious talks with her too. she's not always about fun and games, you can actually talk to her about stuff knowing she won't slip in a random butt clenche half way through a speech :P
i love it. anyways
i shall be going now. i had like 4 water bottles of water today and my bladder is about to explode.
i have two good ideas for tattoos. both are very cool, very simple, very meaningful, but they're complete opposites, they kind of contradict themselves, but i'll tell you the cool idea after i introduce to you my two tattoo ideas.
so on the ankle, a picture of an anchor. why? to remind the owner to stay grounded, to not let things get to their head.
the other one, a picture of wings on the ankle. symbolic for the messenger God Mercury. also could mean to chase your dreams.. or something along those lines.
they completely clash, but you have two ankles.. why not put one on each right?
with one foot flying and one foot anchored, you'd be sideways.. horizontal.. i figure.
i'm excited for Zacharie to come back to edmonton this summer. i hung out with him once last year.. didn't really get to know him, and now he lives in Yellowknife and we talk all the time. it's kinda.. odd. in a cool funny way.
so i'm really getting into this Buddhist crap. we're learning about it in religion.. and it's really interesting. an enlightened one can judge situations without involving themself and they're emotions. they see Earth as the worst place to be, and that's what most people don't get. when it comes to reincarnation, the western world embraces it while the Asian world considers it hell. being reincarnated means you pretty much failed at life, and you have to do it again. people see Buddhism as a pessimistic religion because they see life as unsatisfactory. clearmindfulness is the key to spiritual understanding. the Buddhist way is to master both hate and love, fear and confidence, and aversion. and they believe in karma. when i thought of karma, i thought it was something like not giving someone some money, and then finding yourself asking people for money when they won't give it to a few months after or something like that. but karma to them is like... where we are now in our lives, is the result of our past life. so if we were a really bad person in our past life, our present life most likely sucks. if we were a really good person in our past life, our present life is probably really good.
i don't know. i think it's cool to think about that. sometimes i think it would be kinda neat if reincarnation really was the case, but i think God gave us all one life and one only.
me and Leigha talked in biology the other day. we were talking about what happens after we all die. she said something along the lines of "what if we knew what was happening, but we couldn't do anything about it. so if we were donating our organs, we would be able to see that they were removing our kidneys and what not. and when we're laying in that coffin, we would be just laying there. and we would get really bored being in this wooden case for millions and billions of years to come."
i dunno. it's really weird and also really scary. i don't believe in what Leigha said (haha no offense), but sometimes i think it just becomes darkness. there's nothing there. just absolutely nothing. you're just dead. and that's all. but it's so full of nothing that you don't even know it's nothing. you can't comprehend how absolutely nothing it is. 'cause you yourself are nothing. i don't know.. it's really hard to explain, but i see it in my head.
hmmph. i also thought.. what if your dead relatives knew and saw everything you did. like, when you're doing stuff you'd rather not have everyone know, are your grandparents and relatives hanging right above you watching you do it? i dunno, it's really weird. so weird it makes me laugh a little.
i think i'll leave.. and try to find some Zen in my life haha. no idea what that means by the way.. just know it's a good song by Bush and it's also a type of Buddhism.
"so fine on my mind everynight,
trippin' on a dream,
but damn she was tight"
"You know what I do?
I completely change my mind whenever something happensor doesn't.
Example:I talked to him: I loved him
He didn't call me: I didn't love him
that's all it took
and once I find out why I feel guilty
because I thought that silly thought.
I'm horrible for it.
And I'm sorry.
For future reference every time I think there is a problem and I vent on here, there is no problem
I just tend to over react.And also for future reference... If I say I don't love him I'm lying.
Because I do and I always will.
You know what I realized...
When you type "I'm sorry, I love you."
The acronym it spells out is "I sily"
Like you made a mistake and are 'silly'
I sily "
wow Lauren. i love you MAN. haha. i feel exactly how you feel. except i don't love him haha
Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.
Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.
And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They'll all come around
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
G'bye for now.
And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just g'bye for now
[When meeting young Sandra Templeton for the first time]
" Young Ed Bloom: You don't know me but my name is Edward Bloom and I love you. "
wow. what an awesome movie. seriously. i love movies like that.
that actually mean something, and that touch your heart. i know it sounds cheesy,
but a good movie is when you're caught crying at the end.. and you're too in awe to wipe away your tear
that you just let it roll down your cheek
then to your neck and only then do you wipe it away
because you realize just how much of a girl you are when it comes to
really
amazing
movies
Josephine: Oh, so this is a tall tale?
Senior Ed Bloom: Well... it's not a short one.
"this is a story
full of lies and fabrications
but truer for their inclusion
it doesn't always make sense and most of it never happened
but that's what kind of story this is
in telling the story of my father's life,
it's impossible to seperate the fact from fiction,
the man from the myth,
the best i can do is tell it the way he told me
see most men they'll tell a story straight through
and it won't be complicated but it won't be interesting either
a man tells stories so many times that he becomes the stories
they live on after him and in that way, he becomes immortal
did you ever think maybe you're not too big?
maybe this town's just too small
a man might travel his entire life and
never find a place so inviting
my journey had scarcely begun and i had arrived
i can't imagine any place better than here
but the fact is i'm not ready to end up anywhere
it was that night i discovered that most things you consider evil
or wicked are simply lonely and lacking in the social niceties
they say that when you meet the love of your life,
time stops and that's true
what they don't tell you is that once time starts again
it moves extra fast to catch up
fate has a way of circling back on a man
and taking him by surprise
the truth is i didn't see anything of myself in my father
and i don't think he saw anything of himself in me
we were like strangers who knew each other very well
she said the biggest fish in the river gets
that way by never being caught
you become what you always were a very big fish
and that's the way it happens
the story ended where it began"
so i thought about it. if i were to have kids, here are the names i would give...
for a boy,
-i would definitely want to name him Beniamino (Benjamin in Italian).. Ben for short.. Benny.. i think it's one of the cutest names in the world.
-i really like Raffael.. maybe for a middle name or something.
-i also like Jake or Jacob.
-also Gabriel. i think it's cute.
-Noah is cute too.
-i like the name Luis a lot too (my dad's name in English)
-Isaac and Joshua are cute.
for a girl,
-it's really hard for me to think of names, but i think Penelope is really cute.
-i also think Finley is incredibly sweet for a girl. Fin for short.
-since i like that name so much, Raffaela could be a cute middle name.
-i like Natalie or Natalia.
-Victoria or Veronica.
-Mackenzie maybe.. maybe not.
-i always really liked Angelina. but i don't want to think of Angelina Jolie every time i say her name.
-i also always liked the name Andrea.
it would be funny if i had one kid named Benjamin, and the other named Mackenzie hahaha.
but out of all those, my favorite girl names are Penelope and Finley, and my favorite boy name is Beniamino (Benjamin).
*sigh*
so here i am once again. i was writing my essay, and i have to share with you my train of thought:
1 - "a few of these instances include.. hmm.. i wonder what Mr. S would say if i told him i got hives and i couldn't write. he'd probably laugh in my face and add a few spit balls while he's at it."
2 - "spit balls.. spit clusters.. saliva clusters.."
3 - "saliva clusters in my hair. kinda like that song... something something in my heeeeeeeeaaaaaad"
hmmmmph. i am in a pickle. a real sour ugly gross wrinkly one too
