thanks Zacharie pt.2

Jealousy is only another act in showing how much you want her
Holding her is only another act in showing how much you need her
Kissing her is only another act in showing how much you admire her
The amount of times you smile at her, is telling her how beautiful you think she is
But respect is telling her the how much you actually care and love her
Every night , someone thinks about you before
they go to sleep,
At least fifteen people in this world love you.
The only reason someone would ever hate you is
because they want to be
just like you
There are at least two people in this world that
would die for
you
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on
you, take a look.
Always remember the compliments you've received.
Forget the rude remarks.

a secret between you and me

one more thing.. let's keep this between us, because to be honest?
i highly doubt any of them have big enough balls to go through with it anyways.

GWTF = go with the flow

honestly now, COME THE FUCK ON. some people just can't realize how lucky they are. either that or they're just huge vacuums who want to suck everyone's attention.

jeeeeeeeeesus.
my mind fails to understand why people constantly try changing things that can't be changed. why can't people just accept things for what they are instead of moping about it over and over and over again.
deal with it.

i mean, i don't understand how these people are gonna last when life actually begins. high school is just a prep for real life, and if people can't even handle high school then good luck to them in the future. seriously.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY AND GO HAVE FUN. it makes me laugh in a way, because i KNOW in the future they'll look back, and regret how ridiculously gay and retarded and just.. ridiculous they were.

it just absolutely blows my mind to bits. i mean, i admit, sometimes i can be a major drama queen myself i'm a girl it's kind of expected. but at least i can realize how incredibly stupid i'm being about a certain situation and instead of fucking bitching and whining about it i find myself turning on some good music to dance to. sometimes that's all you need to just get in your head how much of an enormous joke high school really is.
none of it's gonna fucking matter (besides marks) when you're out looking for a job and raising a family and paying bills. now thats what i'm gonna get all worked up about. thats when it's normal to resort to extreme ridiculous measures.. when your business goes down the drain, your kids stress you out and you can't seem to pay the bills. then you get kicked out of your house for collateral and then where you gonna go??? i'm pretty sure when it comes to paying bills every month instead of buying worthless crap, you're gonna regret how complicated you made life seem when you were a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst.

and maybe it does seem like i'm a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst. and maybe i am wrong about all the above. but would it hurt to at least think that? so you can at least get on with your life when it needs to be gotten on?!?!?!

but that's ok

haha oh yeah. i saw Pascale at church on Saturday. LMAO. i think that's hilarious. seeing people you don't think go to church, at church.

wow.
so on a totally unrelated topic
i should never tell a boy i love him unless it's under these circumstances: he says it first, and i actually feel it.

so i doubt i'll ever say it haha.
but that's ok

tweed exterior silk interior

blah i bought these really awesome shoes today from Oasis. Tweed Converse. i'm a shoe fanatic and my collection was longing for Converse. Converse is like an essential. even if i'm not a big fan of Converse, they had tweed exterior silk interior. WHO WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO THAT? maybe you regular people could, but i, for one, am not a regular person.

kay, i am currently experiencing the biggest mother fucking headache known to mankind. i am truly sorry for the cursing as well. but there was no other way to describe this monster pain. HOLY SHIT if i was emo i would probably shoot myself in the forehead or in the mouth right about

now.

have i mentioned that i added another string to my wrist? well yes i did. and it's white. i'm not quite sure what it stands for yet. i have to think of something soon though. i have 4 strings on my wrist now. the first one i put on was this beige string that i liked. and it reminded me to be happy. because i was going through a pretty shitty time last April, and that's when i put this string on. the other one has 7 light blue beads on it. i got it at the Kelowna airport. it's like tradition. two years ago me and my brother got them at that airport and he still has his, but i had to take mine off for dance shows. so this summer i got another one. it represents Romance. it's one of those wish bracelets. but i only got it for the color. another one of them is grey yarn. yarn my grandma was using when i decided to take a piece to put on my wrist. at the time it meant nothing but now it reminds me of Italy and family, so i keep it. then last week i found some white string in my brother's room so i decided to cut a piece off and put it on. hopefully i find something for it to represent soon. possibly self-discipline. 'cause i wanna get in shape by New Years. OMG i've got it. ok, so when you're in shape you don't need to wear black to look slimmer, right? so people in shape look good in white, and the string is white, so it all relates to each other.

WOW IM GENIOUS.

autographs later...

as the song says

i rattled my brain to come up with what it is exactly that i would like to see under the Christmas tree...

-new good quality headphones
-iPod polish
-Che Guevara poster by Andy Warhol (floor to ceiling)
-money
-Step Up
-self-discipline
-good times with family
-"better days" as the song says
-good marks = more freedom
-anything that possesses any relation to Andy Warhol or Che Guevara

i don't know, there isn't anything i really want this year that other people could get me.
i'll just say i want whatever it is my mom bought and wrapped and placed under the tree haha.

"i want it. it is you"

thanks Zacharie

The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see you with the Sun shining in my eyes
I said "Hello" but you kept on walking
I'm Going deaf from the sound of the freeway
The Last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't hear you with your voice ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night
I couldn't feel you, your always too far away
The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see you with the smoke getting in my eyes
I said "Hello" but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the DJ


I don't, don't wanna take you home
Please don't, don't make me sleep alone
If I could, I'd only want to make you smile
If you would stay with me a while

tears of joy

wow Home Alone is my favorite Christmas movie. my mom says it's dumb, but it's the only one i actually enjoy watching. and i can't help but feel those tears of joy wash over me sometimes :P

uptown girls

so my weekend's consist of me watching movies in this comfy chair wrapped in a blanket. at first, i'm excited to watch a movie because i love them so much, there's a side to that .. that wishes i wasn't by myself.. that wishes my weekends consisted of more than that.. that wishes i being a home-body wasn't part of who i am. and after i'm done watching the movie, i always have this overwhelmind feeling because movies get to me in that way, and then i sit there in this big comfy chair wishing someone was there with me and knowing that things would be that much better if i wasn't all alone.

and then i tell myself to suck it up because you only really have one person in this world and that's yourself. you can't count on anyone but yourself to make you feel happy when you don't feel happy. so you're forced to sit there, enjoy your own company, feel that longing within yourself for that one person who you had a fight with and that person who left without saying goodbye. you know it's not done. you always have fights, but nothing's ever really done.

but i can't help but feel lonely and by myself a lot of the time. i've come to love my two kitties so much because they're the only things that seem like they really need you. to have them follow you around the house, purr in your ear, cuddle with.. they're always there no matter what. i can't help but feel grateful towards them. Smokey never was a cuddly cat, he stood his own ground, didn't seem to really need me in anyway, and that's how come i loved him. but he's gone, and i can't help but feel pure bliss when i think of Baby and Boots. and sometimes you don't understand how comforting it is to have a pet.

i don't know where i'm going with this, but i never know where i'm going with this. with anything. i plan to stay up late tonight because my mom's not taking me to Italian School tomorrow morning. i really want to go to dance though. we might be doing a relaxation class or watch a ballet movie. and i want to see my friends too. then we're going to church. for advent. i don't really mind church anymore. it's a time to think. i don't really pay attention to what's going on, if there's anything i'm really looking at, it's the various unique characteristics of other people.

you-nique. i saw that somewhere once and it made me smile.

..i'm thinkin' i'm gonna be a computer nerd and since i have the opportunity to use my brother's fast laptop, i might put that computer nerdiness to good use.

they got me all wrong

pretty ok

that's what i am. pretty ok. isn't that a good feeling? to know someone's there. to find someone who gives you butterflies again.
maybe i should stop talking. because it's been three months and the butterflies haven't left me yet. sometimes they get droopy.

but it's good to know i won't ever let them get too droopy. it's good to know i have myself above anyone else.


i've changed a lot, i think. i said that least year too, but it's only 'cause it's true

imu

i always wanted to post this in here, and it just happens to be perfect timing..

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and
I miss you.

strike a pose

this weekend i want to go shopping. i want to buy a nice sweater and some nice pants. don't you love that feeling when you buy something that looks so good and so nice on you? you feel like you can conquer the world. i want to go on a trip. i can't wait to leave this summer. packing my suitcases, laying out my clothes for the airplane. buying new clothes, new shoes, new magazines. there's something about airports that get me excited. i love the atmosphere. i love the crowds surrounding the luggage carrier device. waiting impatiently for their luggage to make it's way to them. i love waiting for your flight to arrive, looking out the huge windows at the airplanes. i love take off and how i always burst with laughter and giggly-ness and then i look at my mom so she can laugh with me, and she's there with her eyes closed. she hates flying. well, i don't know if she really minds it or not, i just assume because she hasn't said otherwise. maybe i anticipate airplanes so much because they're always leading you to some kind of new adventure. you're either leaving home, with people awaiting your arrival in a distant location, and they have a prepared plan for your vacation, or you could be returning home, thoughts about how inviting your bed is, with your pillows filled with the scent of laundry because you always clean everything before you leave for long periods of time. remembering how it felt to slide your feet along your own hard-wood floor. to sit in your computer chair that has memorized the curves of your cute bum. to lay in bed, knowing you have nothing planned for the next day, that you don't have a new adventure to embark on, which can also be quite assuring, especially after all you've been doing is seeing new and exciting things for a month. it's also nice to go on adventures. it's a reason to charge your iPod, a reason to think of what band is worthy of accompanying you on that certain adventure. it's always hard leaving family behind though. and sometimes i make fun to cover up my tears. me and my mom left them, she hugged her brother and they both teared up. i laughed at his tears. and he just pinched my cheek and kissed my forehead. i still remember seeing him standing there. tall and skinny guy. his navy blue pants, with his thin white button down slightly unbuttoned at the top just like italian men wear it. had his tobacco pouch in his pocket. his camera around his shoulder. he took pictures of everything. and my self-consciousness kicked in whenever it was pointed towards me. i made awkward poses, because sometimes i feel i don't deserve to be photographed. but then i regret it because i look silly. why didn;t i just strike a pose, make him happy, do something completely and utterly outgoing.. i would have liked the outcome so much better. the result never was satisfying when i gave a meek smile or hid some part of my face with my hands. i miss waking up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to find my grandpa fallen asleep on the dirty, smelly, disorderly couch. his feet propped up on the chair, the italian news still playing, his glasses on and the newspaper in his lap. my brother wants to go to Greece too. he said he wants to stay in hostels. i cannot possibly wait a whole semester for this vacation.
who am i kidding, i send him an email stating how nice it would be if he tried to give me a call. i know he won't. it seems i expect the worst, and the worst always happens. exept it's not the worst anymore. it's just how it is. it's not good or bad, i just have found this new found capability to predict his doings and his not-doings.. and they no longer have a status of either good or bad. is there a problem with that? i mean, people tell me otherwise. but when it comes down to it, i'm the one in the situation. it's my opinion that matters above all, and i don't have a problem with how it is now, but then i think maybe i should start having a problem with it? i did, and then it happened so often it just stopped even phasing me. i'll see what happens. maybe i should strike a pose.. see what the outcome is


song/artist - Romulus/Sufjan Stevens [<3]

check it

ooh. i re-did my MySpace layout. it's rather swell. check it

JACT = just a couple things

so today i had trouble with some words. do armageddon, revelation and apocalypse all mean the same thing? i know apocalypse and revelation do, but isn't armageddon the end of all things too?
because i wanted to say that i believe there isn armageddon/apocalypse/revelation.. i just think that maybe they happen at different times for all of us, like, when we die. maybe after we die, we see armageddon/apocalypse/revelation. i don't know, it was just a thought. and another thought would be that writing these three words, armageddon/apocalypse/revelation, is really quite frustrating. thank god for copy and paste!
i also realized that there is a great big difference between
a) i hate people who...
b) i hate it when people...

whenever i say one of those two phrases, i always end up thinking twice, because i rarely hate people, i just hate the things people do sometimes lol. hate should never be used. i don't use it towards people very often.. i prefer dislike. but life's too short and too good to dislike anyone. i just have fun with everyone. it's fun.. try it :P

today Amanda reminded me that it is in fact, the last episode of Laguna Beach Season 3. i'm prepared for tears, because the prom episodes always make me CRY! it's horrible. the memories, the tears, the music, the preparation.. it's all just the climb to the top of the mountain of tears and reminiscing.


*sigh*

have i mentioned LG (life's good)? me Jeff and Will.i.am went to get donairs at lunch today. and mine cooperated. no spills or nothing. it was funny though, 'cause me and Will.i.am were standing in line, and there was some Club scene taken place in China or something. and it was pretty comical.

=)

HLLC = hair looks like crap

hey lauren
my hair looks like crap today.

a prime example

i just noticed a swear down there my friends. that's a prime example of my frequent hipocracy.

not like i didn't tell you so....

gave a holla to my b-ro

so i couldn't find the song. i even hollered at my b-ro :P hahaha. and i asked him if he remembered that God song. and he asked me how it went. he repeated it and i heard Jon (his friend) in the background singing some song about God making music and the people danced and he saw that it was good. it was rather comical. i even googled it. and I COULDNT FIND IT. and it makes me angry because i remember liking that song. and the lyrics were pretty sweet too. so i settled for downloading a bunch of random shit and some Lisa Lashes.

so my eyes started burning out of their sockets so i jumped on my bed and laid there for a few minutes and then i had some thoughts. and here's the thought process i had.

--i hate when he sends me those texts that just say "k", because i always get that nervous feeling inside-- i just hate it when people give me one answer replies --but then again, sometimes those one word answers can make you feel so good-- they make you feel even better when their short instead of a long paragraph-- hmm when its long you forget the top half by the time your done the bottom half -- plus, guys usually are people of less words, so it all kinda works out -- hmm i think i can make a generalization for this..

and here's what i came up with:

the words that heal most, hurt most and mean most, are put together in a sentence that is half of this or less.

i know hey. i made that myself. i was quite proud too

notes between notes

it's good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its gooooood when those benny benassi songs have that bass that blocks your eardrum from everything but that bass its good its good its good its good its good its good its good i didn't know he did that Hit My Heart song. i love that song, i've listened to it for ages and i had no clue he did that. he live sin Milan. i wanna go there. i wanna go back. its good its good its good its good tis good its good. haha try doing that real fast to music. it's pretty cool. its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its its good its good its good its good its good its good its good its haha so cool. i drank a total of 4 bottles of water. its good its good its good i had lasagna when i got home it was real good its good its good its good its good it sgood life's goooooood. swearing in writing is gay. i did it lots and then i read it and was like wow thats so not cool. swearing in real life actually makes sense 'cause you're angry at something, and swearing just helps it out. writing a swear doesn't do anything for you. so i don't know why i did it. i'm sorry. it was very gay of me. i've decided i'm done with it. it's an it, an object. not a person. it's good its good its good. it sucks when i wake up in the morning and my left teeth hurt and are sore from who knows what. but it hurts. but then it goes away and its good its good its good its good its good. i wanna get that techno song i heard in Beverly. about how God made music. and he saw that it was good. it was good it was good it was good. its good its good its good its good. fuck i am bored. i'm thinking you're thinking this is a really weird entry. but its good no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do. some guy just signed into MSN his name is 240. isn't it 420? dummmie. no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do no matter what you do. i don't get why i hafta know how to type with 8 fingers when i do perfectly fine with 6. thumb index middle thumb index middle. on both hands. i really wanna find that one song. its gonna bug me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. its good its good its good everythings good. i'm gonna find that song now.

but you're so damn hot

You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot.
So who's this other guy you've got?
Which other rubes are riding hot-shot, sugar?
I could have swore you said before, "No more, for sure."
What'd I believe you for?
You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot.

and i don't even have balls

so today i realized just how much of a high school my high school really is.
i was walking around with Jeff, in circles as usual, trying to find something to do.
we pass by the elevator, and there's a group of black people playing their music real loud and dancing and stuff and me and Jeff just looked at each other and felt a feeling of awkwardness and hilariosity. then when lunch was done, i walked up the stairs to go to my locker and there was this group of three people playing cards. not like with a deck of cards, but with some kind of Pokemon cards or something, they had them on this mat too. and they were all holding books with instructions or something that had to do with the game. my eyes widened and i just walked away. plus, there's always over weight people sitting in random staircases too. not making fun or anything, it just reminded me of those movies where they make stereotypes of high school, and mine just happens to prove them right. haha

anyways, i'm working on Circle Geometry right now in math. and i must say, i've never been so excited about math before. it's SO FUN. it's like solving puzzles or something. it's awesome. we were in this big group of 7 in math, we were all sitting together, and me and Madison were going insane discussing how to figure out these things, and it was so funny 'cause Alex and Breanne were just sitting there staring at us becoming so involved in this stuff, and Brenden Megan and Anna just copied some other guys sheet. i was pretty determined to do it myself lol.

yeah, it's only Tuesday, but it's been a pretty good week haha. it's only been two days though. there were a few people today that made me laugh uncontrollably... Will.i.am, Lauren, Amanda (she's going to China tonight!!!!), and Melissa. haha. i saw her in the "alley" across the street at lunch where it's legal to smoke haha.

me and Jeff shared a cinnamon one, and the tube smelled like Christmas. I CAN'T WAIT.

oh yeah haha, another thing that made me laugh is today in Bio Amanda turned to me and started talking about this video of this guy chopping his penis off that Steph sent her yesterday, and it was funny 'cause he sent me the exact same thing yesterday too. i admit, i can be morbid, but even this made me cringe... and i don't even have balls.

i clearly did not read the memos

i wore my really awesome really cool button bracelets today. me and my little cousin Nicla made them when i was in Italy this summer. have i mentioned i wanna go back ?

so yeah i forgot to tell you, Sunday morning i was watching TV, when all of a sudden
DEXTER'S LABORATORY came on and i almost quite literally peed myself.
it's one of those cartoons i whole-heartedly loved. i never got sick of it, i never got annoyed with it, i just loved it to DEATH I TELL YOU. so i watch that. and i'm going to make it a point to watch it every week 'til i die. or it dies. one of the two. one thing that i noticed though was Dexter's accent. when i was a kid, it didn't really phase me that Dexter has a foreign accent. it's actually really funny. but when i watched it yesterday, i was like WHOA Dexter's an immigrant!! well, no, but he has the accent. it's so cool. but weird how i just realized this now..

i also had a discussion with Stephane about Pogs. probably the greatest joy of life. (P.O.G. = probably of greatest hahaha) anyways, yes. last year i slipped five really sweet pogs into his wallet when he left it at my house, and we started talking about them. i played Pogs all the time in Beverly when i was a youngin. they were THE coolest, actually that was my BigFoot Slammer. wow. amazing. never let me down that thing. one side was haulographic and the other side was this rubber stuff that smelled so good like bubblegum. i still have it. i still have all of them actually, even the ones me and my brother HOME MADE. yeah that's right.

i have also come to realize that grade eleven is probably the biggest slap in the face ever. i mean, grade ten's easy, 'cause you just got out of junior high blah blah, but grade eleven is when you realize a) you really are as dumb as you always thought you were, b) you really aren't as smart as you thought you were, c) you can't bullshit you're way out of anything anymore, d) you graduate next year, meaning everything you do now affects everything you do next year affects your whole
entire
life.

i clearly did not read the memos. you know, the really big bright ones that everyone's been flashing towards me since i was in, like elementary.

bitter people

jesusidislikebp

LMAO = laugh my ass off

Ooh..
I just died in your arms
tonight,
It must have been something you said,
I just
died in your arms tonight
Ooh..I just died in your
arms tonight,
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away,
I should have walked away
Is there any just coarse for felling like this ?

pearl jam

jesusilovepj

MMD = made my day

so i got an e-mail from Manuela. my cousin in Italy, today. i met her for the first time this summer. her e-mail made my day. it's cool, because our e-mails are english/italian. it was cute, she's 14 and her e-mail said: " HI CHRI! how are U? ". and it literally made my day. i want to go back so bad. i sent her one back .. half english half italian. i told her how me and my brother are going there this summer and we should do something. i asked if she was ready for Christmas and how i am not :P, and then i asked how school was going and then i told her to say hi to Roberta and everyone and also her family. and i wished her a Merry Christmas.

i love it. anyways
another thing that made my day and ever day of pretty much my entire life is Lauren Sbitney's daily stupidity. i swear, if there's one person in this whole world that makes me laugh til i pee, it's her. i mean, just sitting here with this mental image of her doing Nacho Libre's butt clench makes me laugh out loud. she's such a fagturf. i love people like her, that are just so awkward and random and hysterical, that you're always laughing when you're around them even if you're having one of the shittiest days in the history of mankind. but she's also cool in the way that you can have serious talks with her too. she's not always about fun and games, you can actually talk to her about stuff knowing she won't slip in a random butt clenche half way through a speech :P

i love it. anyways
i shall be going now. i had like 4 water bottles of water today and my bladder is about to explode.

apostrophe eyebrows

SICK

how absolutely nothing it is

i have two good ideas for tattoos. both are very cool, very simple, very meaningful, but they're complete opposites, they kind of contradict themselves, but i'll tell you the cool idea after i introduce to you my two tattoo ideas.
so on the ankle, a picture of an anchor. why? to remind the owner to stay grounded, to not let things get to their head.
the other one, a picture of wings on the ankle. symbolic for the messenger God Mercury. also could mean to chase your dreams.. or something along those lines.

they completely clash, but you have two ankles.. why not put one on each right?
with one foot flying and one foot anchored, you'd be sideways.. horizontal.. i figure.

i'm excited for Zacharie to come back to edmonton this summer. i hung out with him once last year.. didn't really get to know him, and now he lives in Yellowknife and we talk all the time. it's kinda.. odd. in a cool funny way.

so i'm really getting into this Buddhist crap. we're learning about it in religion.. and it's really interesting. an enlightened one can judge situations without involving themself and they're emotions. they see Earth as the worst place to be, and that's what most people don't get. when it comes to reincarnation, the western world embraces it while the Asian world considers it hell. being reincarnated means you pretty much failed at life, and you have to do it again. people see Buddhism as a pessimistic religion because they see life as unsatisfactory. clearmindfulness is the key to spiritual understanding. the Buddhist way is to master both hate and love, fear and confidence, and aversion. and they believe in karma. when i thought of karma, i thought it was something like not giving someone some money, and then finding yourself asking people for money when they won't give it to a few months after or something like that. but karma to them is like... where we are now in our lives, is the result of our past life. so if we were a really bad person in our past life, our present life most likely sucks. if we were a really good person in our past life, our present life is probably really good.

i don't know. i think it's cool to think about that. sometimes i think it would be kinda neat if reincarnation really was the case, but i think God gave us all one life and one only.

me and Leigha talked in biology the other day. we were talking about what happens after we all die. she said something along the lines of "what if we knew what was happening, but we couldn't do anything about it. so if we were donating our organs, we would be able to see that they were removing our kidneys and what not. and when we're laying in that coffin, we would be just laying there. and we would get really bored being in this wooden case for millions and billions of years to come."

i dunno. it's really weird and also really scary. i don't believe in what Leigha said (haha no offense), but sometimes i think it just becomes darkness. there's nothing there. just absolutely nothing. you're just dead. and that's all. but it's so full of nothing that you don't even know it's nothing. you can't comprehend how absolutely nothing it is. 'cause you yourself are nothing. i don't know.. it's really hard to explain, but i see it in my head.

hmmph. i also thought.. what if your dead relatives knew and saw everything you did. like, when you're doing stuff you'd rather not have everyone know, are your grandparents and relatives hanging right above you watching you do it? i dunno, it's really weird. so weird it makes me laugh a little.

i think i'll leave.. and try to find some Zen in my life haha. no idea what that means by the way.. just know it's a good song by Bush and it's also a type of Buddhism.

"so fine on my mind everynight,
trippin' on a dream,
but damn she was tight"

i feel you man

"You know what I do?
I completely change my mind whenever something happensor doesn't.
Example:I talked to him: I loved him
He didn't call me: I didn't love him
that's all it took
and once I find out why I feel guilty
because I thought that silly thought.
I'm horrible for it.
And I'm sorry.
For future reference every time I think there is a problem and I vent on here, there is no problem
I just tend to over react.And also for future reference... If I say I don't love him I'm lying.
Because I do and I always will.
You know what I realized...
When you type "I'm sorry, I love you."
The acronym it spells out is "I sily"
Like you made a mistake and are 'silly'


I sily "

wow Lauren. i love you MAN. haha. i feel exactly how you feel. except i don't love him haha

haven't you heard?

actions speak louder than words

man of the hour

Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They'll all come around
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
G'bye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just g'bye for now

big fish

[When meeting young Sandra Templeton for the first time]
" Young Ed Bloom: You don't know me but my name is Edward Bloom and I love you. "

wow. what an awesome movie. seriously. i love movies like that.
that actually mean something, and that touch your heart. i know it sounds cheesy,
but a good movie is when you're caught crying at the end.. and you're too in awe to wipe away your tear
that you just let it roll down your cheek
then to your neck and only then do you wipe it away
because you realize just how much of a girl you are when it comes to
really
amazing
movies

Josephine: Oh, so this is a tall tale?
Senior Ed Bloom: Well... it's not a short one.

fairytale for a grown-up

"this is a story
full of lies and fabrications
but truer for their inclusion

it doesn't always make sense and most of it never happened
but that's what kind of story this is

in telling the story of my father's life,
it's impossible to seperate the fact from fiction,
the man from the myth,
the best i can do is tell it the way he told me

see most men they'll tell a story straight through
and it won't be complicated but it won't be interesting either

a man tells stories so many times that he becomes the stories
they live on after him and in that way, he becomes immortal

did you ever think maybe you're not too big?
maybe this town's just too small

a man might travel his entire life and
never find a place so inviting
my journey had scarcely begun and i had arrived

i can't imagine any place better than here
but the fact is i'm not ready to end up anywhere

it was that night i discovered that most things you consider evil
or wicked are simply lonely and lacking in the social niceties

they say that when you meet the love of your life,
time stops and that's true
what they don't tell you is that once time starts again
it moves extra fast to catch up

fate has a way of circling back on a man
and taking him by surprise

the truth is i didn't see anything of myself in my father
and i don't think he saw anything of himself in me
we were like strangers who knew each other very well

she said the biggest fish in the river gets
that way by never being caught

you become what you always were a very big fish
and that's the way it happens

the story ended where it began"

what's in a name

so i thought about it. if i were to have kids, here are the names i would give...

for a boy,
-i would definitely want to name him Beniamino (Benjamin in Italian).. Ben for short.. Benny.. i think it's one of the cutest names in the world.
-i really like Raffael.. maybe for a middle name or something.
-i also like Jake or Jacob.
-also Gabriel. i think it's cute.
-Noah is cute too.
-i like the name Luis a lot too (my dad's name in English)
-Isaac and Joshua are cute.

for a girl,
-it's really hard for me to think of names, but i think Penelope is really cute.
-i also think Finley is incredibly sweet for a girl. Fin for short.
-since i like that name so much, Raffaela could be a cute middle name.
-i like Natalie or Natalia.
-Victoria or Veronica.
-Mackenzie maybe.. maybe not.
-i always really liked Angelina. but i don't want to think of Angelina Jolie every time i say her name.
-i also always liked the name Andrea.




it would be funny if i had one kid named Benjamin, and the other named Mackenzie hahaha.
but out of all those, my favorite girl names are Penelope and Finley, and my favorite boy name is Beniamino (Benjamin).

*sigh*

saliva clusters in my hair

so here i am once again. i was writing my essay, and i have to share with you my train of thought:

1 - "a few of these instances include.. hmm.. i wonder what Mr. S would say if i told him i got hives and i couldn't write. he'd probably laugh in my face and add a few spit balls while he's at it."

2 - "spit balls.. spit clusters.. saliva clusters.."

3 - "saliva clusters in my hair. kinda like that song... something something in my heeeeeeeeaaaaaad"


hmmmmph. i am in a pickle. a real sour ugly gross wrinkly one too

for those who don't give a

i'm sitting here trying desperately to write my essay for my in class essay tomorrow (does not make any sense, if you haven't noticed), and i keep finding other things to do. and then i go back, and i pep myself up...

Christine, the task at hand is to come up with a very strong very good argument going against what you think. Then you have to come up with even better arguments to go against the already awesome argument you just concocted in your brain. Then i think. hmm. you know those real big geniuses? the ones that play chess against themselves?? writing a social essay is kind of a lot similar to that...

i never understood that to be honest. how do you play against yourself? i would sit in one chair, make the best move possible, then i would move to the opposite chair, make my mind go blank to what i just did, and from a totally opposite part of my emotions, i would have to make another awesome move, against the awesome move i just made. i don't get it. i mean... how can you just go side to side, making moves and having to clear your head everytime so you don't make any biased moves? and can you ever take sides? "hmm.. right now i'm feeling quite strong on the right half of me, but things are looking to good for the left side, i'm not gonna lie.."

one thing i am good at though, is procrastinating. just look at me. it's funny how i'm trying to write an essay, and while procrastinating, i write in my blog. i just hate social essays. i feel so tied down and clausterphobic. clausterphobia. clausterphobation. clausterphobationizing. clausterphobosity-tionizing. it's like saying, rewrite the whole entire bible on a tic tac. IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE. it's not that i have so much to say, with so little time and space to write it on, it's the fact that i have so many rules to follow and i get stressed out that way.

sometimes i wish i had fish memory. the whole 5 second deal. but then you'd forget everything. i mean, you wouldn't know how to dress yourself, or eat, or even walk. 'cause the second you learn something new, you only have a mere 4 seconds to enjoy it before it goes bye bye and you end up learning it again. and the same thing just keeps happening. like a vicious circle. maybe that's why fish make swimming around in a tank all day seem so god damn entertaining.




i wonder if their eating techniques are voluntary.


"y'all gonn make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here"

thumbs up

i want it to be Christmas vacation. or i want to not go to school for a few days.

one thing i always do when we get days off, is put my alarm clock for when i usually wake up, and i make sure i wake up at that time.
i don't get out of bed though, i sit up for a bit, and then turn around curl up in wamr blankets and go to sleep.
you know why?

simply because it's fun.. knowing you don't actually have to go to school, and that if you didn't have a day off, you would, in fact, be getting out of bed to embrace the early morning darkness.
i actually do that. i sit there and think "i don't have to get out of bed like usual.. i can just, you know, lay my head down and go right back to sleep, without any worries whatsoever."

it's quite possibly one of the best feelings ever. for real. try it next time you have a day off


:D

TM = this morning

This morning I left my house and my brother’s girlfriend’s car was still there. Apparently, she stayed over.

This morning when I put my shoes on, I noticed either my feet shrunk or my shoes stretched.

This morning I put my clothes on and realized I put four layers on. I am nicely bundled up.

This morning I felt tired. I went to bed at 1.

This morning I thought about how I had communications.

A few seconds ago, Will laughed at me ‘cause Mr. F gave me a peace out sign as he walked by.

Haha. And right now it’s really hot, and I’m gonna leave.

“I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it"

it's ok

--

needed somewhere to hang my head

i think it's for the sake of proving that i can do this.
maybe it's for the sake of hating ending and starting over again.
could also be because when that ended, the last thing i wanted to do was start again, to put that effort in. but its funny how things change when those butterflies begin fluttering again.

"where i end and you begin (the sky is falling in)"

oh positive

would you like to hear the gayest most retarded thing of all time? did you know.. depending on what blood type you possess, your personality is influenced by it? well, actually, i don't think that's true at all. simply because it's your blood. sure, it may carry parts of your DNA and shit, but you control your personality, not your blood. PLUS, say i had a blood transfusion.. do i attain the personality traits of the kind-hearted person who gave me their blood?? i think not..

MSN is gay. why did i ever start going on it again. it just fucks things up. i mean, it's all i do. i'm fucking always on, and i never used to be. i went a whole year without going on, and come September i'm on it again. i thought MSN was gay, and i would hate to think that my views have changed on that subject. it's so impersonal..

i have also decided i want to completely boycot the idea of purses. they're a pain in the shoulder and they never stay on and they're just.. a pain. i want a utility belt. or tons of pockets. so i don't have to worry about leaving my purse somewhere or something. do you women know what i mean?!?!

doesn't it suck feeling unneeded? i mean, i don't even see the point of this anymore. i don't think it's really going anywhere.. it's been 3 months. and nothing's happened. i rarely see him.. we talk on the phone during the week, never on weeknights either.. 'cause he's always doing stuff. but i mean, i feel like i'm most definitely wasting my time. if i stopped this 3 months ago, where would i be? i put off some things because of him.. what if i didn't? where would i be..






but sometimes it's so worth it. i mean, do you ever replay things in your mind and it just makes you tingly everywhere and you see it as the best thing ever..you remember everything and how hot you were for him.. but then it's like trying to squeeze water from a rock. someone recently questioned me. "you guys are such dorks.. all you do is text message". and i thought, hey, that's so true. we only really talk through text message and the phone.. and well, i think i'll stop writing on this topic. 'cause it's starting to get really personal. and yeah.. UMMM something happy.

so yeah, my blood type is O+. know what that means? well, my friends, it measn that i thrive on intense excercise. this is SO true, clearly proven by the fact that i thrive on writing in this blog everyday... i wonder if excercise can be reduced to just your fingers instead of the whole body, which i'm sure that's what is implied..
ALSO, i would be a good therapist (possibly), salesperson (definitely), or banker (who woulda thought?). i think my career choice dilemmas have been solved! oh where would i be without my trusty blood.

fuck today sucks. i'm freezing. and who am i kidding? i can't log off MSN, i can only appear offline. i fuckin' hate it. like.. to the MAX.

blood's pretty fucked if all the above is the result of it.

"Johnny wanna be a big star
Get on stage and play the guitar
Make a little money
buy a fancy car
Big old house and an alligator
Just to match with them alligator shoes
Hes a rich man so hes no longer singin the blues
Hes singing songs about material things
and platinum rings and watches that go bling
But, diamonds don't bling in the dark
He a star now, but he aint singing from the heart
Sooner or later hes just gonna fall apart
Coz his fans can't relate to his new found art
He ain't doing what he did from the start
and thats putting in some feeling and thought
He decided to live his life shallow
Passion is love for material
--And its gone..gone..going..gone
..everything gone..give a damn..
gone be the birds when they don't wanna sing..
gone people..up arkward with their things..Gone
--You see yourself in the mirror and ya
Feel safe coz it looks familiar but ya
Afraid to open up your soul coz ya
Don't really know
Don't really know"

ugly ogres

An old fairytale told me
The simple heart will be prized again
A toad will be our king
And ugly ogres are heroes

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
'Cause now we all know

numba one

i thought of the first thing i would like for Christmas:

.. a huge poster of Che Guevara by Andy Warhol. like, a HUGE poster.. one that takes up a whole wall, floor to ceiling for sure.

i think not

"last night had a dream bout a freak
had me wakin up in heat from my sleep"

boo there. i don't know what to do. i've done nothing this whole day, and i was supposed to study. but studying is a waste of time. i hafta make a cheat sheet, and i'm too lazy to do that. i'll work on it a little bit. you know what i hate? in the classes you do good in, they always give you freebies and easy assignments.. in the classes you suck ass at, they never give you easy chances to bring up your mark. BUT... my math class is also my italian school class on Saturday morning. i might be able to pull some James Bond shit and get some future tests...

afterall, i did see our newly written tests one Saturday morning a while ago and i could have easily changed my answers and stuff. EASILY...

hopefully by the time i'm done high school i'll be so good at cheating that i could start a career in something of the sort.

be part of the FBI or something. oh wait, thats in the States. you know what is the gayest thing i have ever heard of? ok, so there's Canada and the US right? well, the FBI or CIA or whatever it is they have is equivalent to the RCMP. isn't that just so typically Canadian?

on one hand you have the RCMP with red uniforms, black hats and horses. on the other hand you have the FBI with black suits, sunglasses, ear pieces, black SWAT cars, black briefcases and the sort.

doesn't that just make you that much more proud to be Canadian? ha. i think not..

LG = life's good

why fix something if it's better broken?

lol. i'm quite content. with everything. even him =)

*sigh*

i watched this movie called Goal! last night. it was about soccer. it was alright. had a lot of Oasis in it's soundtrack. i thought David Beckham was in it... he was.. but for like 60 seconds lmao. that's GAY. i just finished my Starbucks mints. that i bought on Friday. geeeeez those are addicting. so yeah, mid way through the movie, my brother and his girlfriend come home and they're like cuddling on his bed and i was right there and i could hear smoochy smoochy. and i was like WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOVIE PLEASE HURRY THE FUCK UP. lol

i think she ended up falling asleep on him lol. and i also think he was kinda drunk. 'cause she drove them to Whyte Ave last night for his birthday. he probably had a few to drink.

but yeah. i dunno, i'm not used to seeing my brother with a girlfriend cuz he never had time for one. but he seems happy. and i love him, so it makes me happy that he's happy. and it's just a bonus that his girlfriend is like super cool and really nice.

anyways. i have tons of shit to study for this week. so i gotta go. i will ponder the meaning of life later on...

forty foot echo

We said we'd take little time
For both of us to see
And wonder what it'd be like to carry on
Ya, I know I got crazy
Well I guess that's just me
If I could turn back time before
The wrong

-- thats the song

hugest of huge

i just watched Freaky Friday. and i got huge butterflies.

when she talks to the character Jake (Chad Michael Murray), there's this song that comes up..
and it used to be my all time favorite song like three years ago. and i remember driving in Italy with my family (long time ago), and i always listened to that song. and i remember being in the backseat, and i was looking forward between my dad's head and the side of the car, because i was trying to focus on this one mountain because i wasn't feeling well... and between focusing on this mountain and this song, i felt better. and everytime i hear that song, i feel myself sitting in the backseat with my legs tucked underneath myself, my brother to my right, my parents in the front, the seatbelt blocking my view of this mountain.. this mountain that i tried so hard to focus on.

it just gives me goosebumps all the time. and the hugest of huge butterflies..

a breath of fresh air

.. that's all i really needed to say.

in really big noticeable letters.

sigh of uncertainty

i had another one of those dreams last night.
i hate them and want them to stop, because they keep messing up my priorities and even though i try as hard as i can to keep them from messing up how i feel, i have a feeling they will screw everything up in the end, by giving me a taste of what could be... or should be.

when you have a reoccurring dream about the same thing, does it mean that deep down, that's what you want or need in your life? or is it just one of those things that i should just let go unnoticed.

because i don't want it to affect what i have going on in my life right now... not now, after i thought it was done with, and after new things started happening...

*sigh*

poke my head through the curtain

so while listening to A Brief History of Nearly Everything, i have come to the conclusion that... well, i haven't really come to a conclusion yet, but it's only because my mind is just too naive to have the capability to wrap itself around how ridiculously unbelievable our universe is. i mean, i hear the stuff he says about it and i feel like this little speck of nothing that holds absolutely no significance or value. *sigh* it's kind of refreshing. i mean, ok, i have all these things to worry about right? like school, and dance, and ass munchie boys ( :P ) , but when i listen to this audiobook, nothing seems to really matter or make any sense whatsoever. i mean, our universe is so large, so large it doesn't even make sense, and it's so complicated and undiscovered, and just.. so.. there's no word to even describe it. it's just... ridiculous! and everything that happens in this city, this country, this planet just doesn't seem to matter when you put it in relation to the universe.. nothing seems to have a point anymore.

i want to reach the end of the universe. i want to poke my head through the curtain. i want to travel a billion gazillion light years. and what the hell are light years anyway? it's like fuckin time travel shit i swear. there's just so much in this universe to know, that nobody really knows, and i want to know. i'd die to know everything there is to know. there's just a ton of stuff and when i think about all of it at once, it seems i could sit there for hours, and still not think of every possible question that there is to ask. it makes me crazy. it drives me insane. and i want to climb up the walls.

do you even realize how much of a genius Isaac Newton was? i mean, even Albert Einstein and all those other people that invented shit that seems so easy to invent now. i was thinking about this the other day. you know those levels that people use for construction? when they need to make something straight. i lay on my couch thinking, how come i couldn't think of something like that? i want to hang a picture, fill a glass of water, and use it as your guide. and when i ask myself how come i couldn't have come up with such a simple thing as that, i think of all the other things that could be invented that would seem so easy to invent after it's already been invented. i don't know if that makes any sense at all to you, but it's so overwhelming sometimes and so simple and complicated at the same time.. that.. i'm just left with nothing to say.

but back to Isaac Newton. JC, i learned last night that he invented Calculus. i mean, WHO DOES THAT?! who in there right mind invents calculus? is it even inventable? it's just one of those things you don't think about. you're born into this world thinking everything you know of, has been there forever. like it just appeared one day out of nowhere. but the thing that baffled me most, is the fact that he came up with Calculus, and hid it from the world for three decades. WHO DOES THAT?!?! and you know what else he did? he stuck some metal probe thing in his eyeball socket, moved it around a little just to see what happens. he also stared at the sun until he could not bare it anymore, and had to stay in dark rooms for several days to follow because his eyes were just so like.. burned. and he did that just to see what happened. it's just things like that that trigger something in my brain, and then chemical reactions start happening, and i start pondering things.. everything, and then i find myself sitting here writing about it and getting frustrated because i feel like there's so much to say, yet not being able to find the right words to say it with because it's just so

overwhelming.

maybe it's good not to know answers. maybe it's good to be so curious. because i'm sure knowing the answers to everything there is to know would be just as overwhelming.. if not more.

i just wanna poke my head through the curtain. i don't even have to step completely out from the curtain, i just want a peek.. because sometimes a person like me shouldn't be left with all these questions.

hmmm...

i still need an advent calendar = (

like eating glass

kay so like today was good.

good food - had the amazing Honey Bacon Club from Quizno's after school today mmmmmmmm
AND hot chocolate at Starbucks on Whyte Ave
good company - spent the whole day with Breanne.
good music - saw Etheriel play LIVE for the first time. it was awesome. forrrrreal.

downers of the day included the chick's at Sophia's listening to every word me and Breanne were talking about. but it was cool when one of them complimented my shoes that i got from Gravity Pope at that ridiculously good sale they had at the beginning of summer.
another downer was the cold, and how i was dumb and didn't bring my jacket. and i ended up walking up and down Whyte Ave with a little sweater.

another upper is that i think i've decided i'm done with the smoking scene. it starting to gross me out more than anything else, plus i don't crave it, and i'm not stressed out as much as i used to be, AND doing it out of boredom is getting to be a lame reason. but just watch, come January i'll be back again. simply because 1) it'll be after my dentist appointment in December and 2) i have finals in January. speaking of final exams, my social exam (my last one) is on my birthday. i couldn't believe it. well, actually now that i think about it it's not bad 'cause i don't really think my birthday is that big a deal.

but next week is going to suck some major ass. monday= bio test; wednesday=WWI exam in social; thursday=social in class essay; friday=social current events.

social sucks. and so does my teacher. he's a knob. i think i've told you that before though. wellllll enforcing the truth never hurt anybody..

i just realized i'm in Breanne's pants. she let me borrow them. they're so comfy and wow. she has the best pants ever. and it's cool 'cause we're pretty much the same size. hmmmmmm.

my brother spent 200 dollars for my mom's birthday tomorrow. he got her some spa-day thing and a really cool vase, apparently. he's currently out with his girlfriend. she took him out for his birthday (my mom and brothers birthdays are both on Dec.2), and then they went to Bright NIghts or something like that. i wish i could do something like that. me and Breanne were sitting in Starbucks and i saw this couple outside holding hands and i was just like "i wish i could do that. hold hands with someone cute on Whyte Ave during the winter".. it's just something you see that you think is really cute, and you just wanna experience that.

well i feel the urge to talk to someone on the telephone, so i think i shall do just that.

memorable quotes of today:
"let's peace this joint"
"everyone wants a rock star"