i am sitting here not really sure what to say
or think
or do

i'm exhausted. i want to fall flat onto my bed my downy bed and close my eyes and sleep
there's so much on my mind, however, i don't know how to deal
with it all

you know what could be heaven right now
in my room with my candles lit, and dim lighting
with bob in the back
and me and pablo laying on my bed
and just talking

i miss that dirty mexican. he's really not mexican by the way.

i always wondered why non-mexican spanish people get offended when called a mexican. it's the only spanish country that located in north american. god i hate north america.

i'd love to visit anywhere but north america.

mmm backstreet boys. i need to look for a grad dress. close my eyes reach my hand out there and grab the first red one i don't see.

if that makes sense. i'm classy. classic. red. knee length. blonde. waves. hassle free and simple.

simplicity

how many things can i be in these short minutes. i am tired. i am bloated. i am nervous. i am anxious. i am upset. i am scared. i am excited. i am lazy. i am failing.

what on earth is happening. i don't know is better than a no. or a yes, depending on the situation being discussed.

but not knowing is awful, in fact. it isn't a definite thing you can stand on. it leaves you lingering. like on your tippy toes on the roundest rock in the amazon waterfall.
reminds me of that song by Coldplay, called Green Eyes. i think that's the one. perhaps another one.

" Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand"
"Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float"

i remember sitting on the balcony on top of the world, we was listening to the cheesy music that rocked my world at 14. having the trees beneath me spin a web in case i decided to jump. singing and laughing in the setting sun.

feeling happy just with the thought of having a pillow outside.

i was looking at my dirty feet on the cold cement, walking around shoeless is the best in that place. the silence could have hung a 'do not disturb' sign on our big mouths, but it let our laughter be heard on the other side of town. it's the closeness, the familiarity, the security of the place that is unlike anything else.

"hey you in the south, i'm in the north, you can hear me clearly because we're so close".

paradise exists, my friends.
i just told this guy i used to know, "haha whatever. i don't need another tight ass in my life anyways. you should look into opening your mind even a little bit."

look into it
happy sleeps all around the world i'm hoping

i feel it's the right time for the name change.

since the birth of this blog, i've had the following names:
kisssy, christine, don't think; just feel, [un]orthodox, shades of gray, sketchy, and then i named it Dirty Laundry on January 21, 2007. so i've had that name for a good year, which i am pretty proud of because i change my mind like a flag sways in the wind.

and i have changed as a person, i see the world differently, so i think it's time for a change.

i chose Dirty Laundry because my blog is my way of "airing my dirty laundry"... basically my views, everyday life, and secrets.

i am changing it to The Clothesline of a Beatnik, because the clothesline implies that this is my story, my life continuing from day to day like a clothesline, and Beatnik is basically another word for hippie, aka me

haha

me likey.

my aura is made out of bubblegum right now.

happiness.

i'm on my third cup of green tea, and it's largely due to this fact that i am so happy.

Breanne's 18th on Saturday and i can't wait.

once again, i'd rather leave my lingering ideas, lingering nowhere but my mind.

"never is a promise.. and you can't afford to lie"

i just listened to that specific line in a Fiona song <3

i have no words. i just laid in bed and did my homework while listening to Bob.
i'm feeling like green tea.

i should go to the gym in a half hour. i really don't want to. i know i should.
i really don't want to.

i am going to go to Italy this summer. and there's a good chance Breanne will be coming with me. i can't wait.

just the idea of bringing someone along with me is surreal. it's exciting, because whenever i go there it's like i'm travelling to a different world... almost as if it really doesn't exist.

i have a million words i could say
but i feel like it's better left in my imagination.

i forgot to mention...


that i voted today yay!!!!!

"you're about to do something really out of character. have you thought through all the consequences?"

the horoscope today said that. hmmmph.

anyway

i am a drinker of Legends of China green tea. i love it so much that i save the packets they come in and i make posters out of them. i figure, better on my wall looking pretty than in the garbage, right?

but my mom has bought this new kind of green tea. called Tazo Zen, a harmonious blend with lemongrass and spearmint.

it's so yummy.

i love both, so i've decided that Tazo deserves spots on my wall as well.

me tired ridiculously.

saturday night i went to the club, and didn't sleep until 3 in the morning, then had to wake up early to work 9-5 and even with all the drowsiness laying on me, i still couldn't fall asleep until 2 last night

making for a really grumpy christine today.

last night was awful.. i was laying in the most comfortable positions and but my mind was restless. almost like it was on speed, and then coming down from the best high ever, i felt like bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe with the random hair stuck in it.

gross.

i even cried a little whilst talking to God. everything always seems like the end of the world until the sun rises again and i feel like an idiot for even stressing.
basically, i had a 20 minute text conversation with Cameron.
followed by me telling my brother i can't sleep, who was only in the basement.
him and Heather had just gotten to sleep, so i couldn't hang out with them or anything.
i wrote to him that university, my chem test, Vitto, and this summer are what i keep thinking about.

he gave me great advice: he told me to write in my journal, or put on some tea and listen to some bob. he said we'd talk tomorrow.

normally, i would have done just that.

instead, i watched Friends on my iPod and it put me right where it's good. to sleep.

we went to Globe last night to celebrate Breanne's last weekend as a minor ha.

was lots of fun
i may elaborate another day because i just don't think it's important to talk about every pub/club experience i have.

anyways, work today was fucked beyond belief and i was running on little sleep.
and mother will kick my sorry ass if i don't get minimum 80 on my chem final on tuesday.

peace

allo allo

i don't have a purpose of writing right now
i just feel like writing.

i have been ridiculously addicted to Oasis this past week. i don't know what it is, they make me go nuts. i will never stop loving them.

lots of people came into work today. i think i gave away about 6 free drinks man. it was crazy.

saw this guy i haven't seen since grade 9, that was weird. i used to really like him on and off. he's not really my type of guy anymore. but then again, i don't know how he has changed, and i don't really have a type.

Cameron stopped by too.. he's gotten a lot more attractive. i'm pretty sure i told him that on facebook a few months ago too. and he was with Brett. that's a guy i do not understand at all. like, it seems when he comes to second cup he's really nice to me and shit, and i remember he sat by me on the bus once and we had a lovely conversation and then he doesn't even acknowledge my existance at school. it's the weirdest thing. that's what i mean by shady people. and i hate shady people.

oh yeah
so the other day i gave him a phone call. and i was prepared to say what i had to say to be straightforward with him, i even had important points written down so i wouldn't blank out.

and after all that nervosity and preparation, i had a 4 minute conversation with him. 50% was me talking, 25% was him mumbling, and the other 25% was me asking to repeat his uncomprehendable mumbling.

it was painful. i felt as though i was talking to a grade A retard.
and then i called Breanne. and we talked for so long. so so long. and we had a very important and meaningful conversation.
it makes me so incredibly happy to finally have a best friend that i actually like talking to on the phone. i never had a best friend who i texted or talked to ask much as i do with Breanne. it's wickedly cool.

and this weekend Pablo will be giving me a call. and that is one phone call i am really looking forward to.

the television is calling me..

so today went something like this... i woke up at 10 and got myself ready i walked outside with Coldplay in my ears and i set up my chair in the snow. the snow was too deep so i went back inside and waited for my brother to help me he was eating breakfast and i told him the weird dream i had last night: it was a competition in big brother, and they were working together in their couples as usual for one of the competitions they were given a marijuana plant and they had to roll as many joints as they could and they had to smoke half each there were other parts to the competition, so this stage of the competition was to fuck them up so bad that it would be difficult to complete the other tasks. my brother laughed at me and said i watch big brother too much and i smoke too much weed. and then i went back outside and finished some of my chair photoshoot for my portfolio. and then i came inside later and worked on my Zenism free press ad that will also be going into my porty. it looks wicked cool.

just sitting here downloading some songs that i have been meaning to download for some long while... fugees.. the roots.... tony bennett.. Once soundtrack...

hmmm
i think it's probably one of the most frustrating things when you want to download songs and they just won't download.

right now i have a big cloud of anxiety floating above my head simply because i have a mental script of what i have to tell him on the phone tonight.

i am going to be straight-forward with him because he probably thinks i'm just an 18-year-old he can just brush off.

well that is most definitely not the case! i am completely serious about this situation and i am going to tell him that if he wants to be friends, he's going to have to make a conscious effort to do so. and if he's just saying that to be friendly, he can spare me, because i've heard it all before and i just want to know the truth and if it means he doesn't even want to be friends, so be it.

i hate having to wait around for my feelings. i hate having to put them on hold until we have a chance to "talk" or "discuss" because i either want to continue something, or let it go. and having to wait and wait with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn't help me get unattached to you.

BAH guys can be ridiculous sometimes. he told me that he might be going to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend. i asked if they were dating again. he said no and that its complicated.

and then i got angry. i mean, if you truly love somebody, things don't have to be complicated! i told him straight up that his situation doesn't have to be complicated. it's not like anyone's dying here! unless she's confused about her sexuality or something. but i highly doubt she's a bisexual or lesbian.

and even if it means me and him aren't together, i'd rather have him be with someone he loves. but for fuck sakes, stop making things more complicated than necessary! long distances shouldn't matter when it comes to love. actually, nothing matters when it comes to love.

and i just need to tell him that. and make him decide.

now that i have that off my chest (well not completely until i actually tell him this), i can enjoy this music. i just need to jot down important points on a piece of paper before going on the phone.

on another note, i have a soulmate. his name is Pablo. and he is my best friend.

as for my legality, i will be putting it into use very soon because for a couple years now i have been saying that i won't get tattooed because i change my mind so much and i would get tired of it fast.
but i have found the perfect tattoo for this syndrome! it's a brushstroke circle. the zen symbol for infinite. representing the perfect meditative state and enlightenment. i even told my brother about it. i can't wait. but i am still unsure when i am planning on getting it done...

and it's totally me!

i am having a blast.

despite my rise and fall in the past month in terms of falling for someone, i am having so much fun.
i am finally becoming confident with what i want to do in my future and it's all coming together.

i hope i can get my portfolio done in time because i would be the happiest person on Earth. but then again, even if i don't get my portfolio done, i'll be able to take a class at the U to get it done.

and tomorrow i am going to give Vitto an important phone call.

good day.

Monday, Feb 25, 2008
You could be starting to feel a lot tougher and smarter today. And this ought to give you just a taste of all the growth and opportunity that you're likely to be experiencing very soon. So just try to stop worrying about everything and leave the past behind. It's time to get ready for all the new opportunities that could soon be headed your way.

Your days of being taken advantage of may be fading. You’ll probably want to feel respected and appreciated right now, and you may no longer be willing to just sit by and let others take the credit for all your efforts.

i've finallly brought myself to the University of Alberta website to look at what else i could be doing with myself besides Design.

i have come up with the following things in the faculty of arts:
-Film Studies - Creative Writing - Philosophy - Art & Design - Religious Studies-

today i discovered Billeting. living with a family in a different city to go to school. i am considering this because i really want to go to Calgary. it's really a scary thought... living under someone else's roof and following their rules.. and to add to that, i'll be in a new city where i know nobody.

but then i recall the feeling i got when i watched the Academy Awards last night. the highlight, i think, was when they pulled Markéta Irglová back onto stage so she could say her acceptance speech for the award won for Once (amazing movie and soundtrack, by the way).

there is no way to say this in an un-cheesy fashion, but i felt as if she was speaking directly to me. from the Kodak Theater through the television and into my living room, she was looking me straight in the eyes and talking to me. i'll even admit to the tears which began to well up in my eyes.

"the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, is just to prove that no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible, and you know, fair play to those who dream and don't give up. and this song is written from a perspective of hope.. and hope at the end of the day connects us all no matter how different we are"

it took just that to make me realize that i gotta do what i gotta do
to get
right
there.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

it completely blows my mind how i have evolved as a person.

i mean, this week has been making me so clear about myself.
i think about myself as a fifteen year old and i hate how sheltered i was.. . i didn't know anything about anything that i am in love with today! i've allowed myself to be molded by things that have caught my attention.. like Che Guevara and Andy Warhol and Cuban politics and revolutionaries and art..

it really makes me feel pity towards three quarters of my high school population who are going through life with no REAL INTERESTS or passions about anything that's really important in this world.

i feel like an old soul, almost.. i could research things on the internet pertaining to the 60s.. revolutions.. hippies.. beatniks.. Andre Breton, Andy Warhol, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Bob Marley, surrealism, psychedelics, zenism, buddhism.. there's just so much

and as i looked through my Underground Free Press Ads between1965-1975 book, it made me realize how much of a creative wasteland we live in. people 30 years ago had so much to say, and youth today don't give two shits about anything.

it's really disheartening..

i feel a rainbow better,

a million rainbows better. a million red balloons better. a million licks of a lollipop better. a million strokes of a guitar better. a million bicycles better. a million coldplay songs better. a million cups of green tea better. a million scented candles better. a million tricycles better. a million joints better. a million fairytales better. a million bubble gum scented slammers better. a million necklaces better. a million bed sheets better. a million conversations with God better. a million Andy Warhol paintings better. a million childhood memories better. a million first kisses better. a million ocean waves better. a million curls better. a million live concerts better. a million cuddles better. a million sneakers better. a million dollars better. a million love notes better. a million rooftops better. a million night skylines better. a million tree forts better. a million sunsets better. a million drives through Tuscany better. a million gusts of wind through my hair better. a million roasted marshmellows better. a million birthday cakes better. a million anniversaries better. a million smiles better. a million melting ice cream cones better. a million bike rides with dad better. a million cute kittens better. a million plane rides better. a million yellow taxi cabs better. a million lullabies better. a million family dinners better. a million best friends better. a million soulmates better. a million hot chocolates better. a million movies better. a million cozy sweaters better. a million nostalgic moments better. a million walks around Lago di Tovel better. a million gypsy queens better. a million dances better. a million gold medals better. a million pillows better.

there is a reason that i wanted to pull a friday afternoon with Breanne on a Tuesday.

the past few days i have been unusually and unnecessarily lonely and depressed.

basically, it's a situation with Vitto. i won't get into it because i'm feeling optimistic about it for the moment, but basically if we hook up now, it will be difficult to continue a relationship in the future due to the circumstances starting in June.

but i am willing to give it a try even though before meeting him, i was bitter from previous experiences i have unfortunately experienced.

but there is something i realized about myself that would have aided me a great deal a few years ago. there are some things that are able to cheer me up instantaneously.

1) talking to God.. reminds me that i am never alone.
2) listening to loud music, singing along, and dancing at the same time
3) drinking green tea
4) creating artsy things

as Castro was retiring yesterday,

i was at Breanne's house with Olivia where we smoked cigarettes beneath her window and had profound conversations about Anne Frank, Che Guevara and Socialism. we also baked cookies which proved rather difficult.

in other words, we pulled a "friday afternoon".

and i also went to the gym for the first time in a very long while. yay for me

Fidel Castro retired yesterday. how sucky is that. i wonder what Che Guevara would think if he knew how powerful Fidel became..

if only he knew that the CIA tried killing Fidel a hundred times and never succeeding.
if only he knew the great things Fidel has done for Cuba.
if only he knew that Fidel has survived to be the world's longest-serving head of state.

if only he was still alive.