english for immigrants

my dad just showed me his report card for when he learned English in 1972. it said "English for Immigrants" HAHA. oh gawwwwd. lmao

musica nostalgica

Fra le tue braccia fammi tornare dimentichiamo questo dolore bella la vita, grande il tuo amore per questa notte fammi sognare. Ho provato a darti tutto il mio cuore a negarti tutto quanto di me ma solo tu mi fai sentire speciale ogni mio respiro vive di te

jamaican me crazy

- i went to my old house today before we went to church. we walked up to the front door and my mom rang the doorbell. my dad came and unlocked it and a big smile came across my face just hearing that familiar noise of opening a door. it's incredible how accustomed we become to familiar repetitive noises.. my dad was painting the inside. i walked in and i felt like a giant. i got this really weird feeling.. like after a drag i feel real bouncy, i felt that way. walking down the hallway that seemed so small now. i walked into my old room. i examined everything. i smelled the air and the paint. i saw the scratch marks on the floor from when i used to re arrange my room. i opened and closed my closet. i remember those doors used to break so often. i ran my fingers down the door and felt a remaining piece of tape. i didn't know whether it was from the previous tenants, or from 5 years ago when i used to tape things up on my walls. then i turned around and noticed how i was able to see right out the window. i was never tall enough to see right through it. and now i could. my room used to seem so complicated.. my house used to seem so complicated. and as i walked upstairs and downstairs, opened every cupboard, turned on every tap, flicked on every light, closed every door, it seemed so simple. so simple so small. so squeaky. i walked over the squeaky parts an extra time. i entered every room to see it empty, but i let my imagination remember how everything was placed when i lived there. where my brother's stereo was placed, where my bed was, where the computer had been, where the couches were, where we sat to eat dinner. i looked out the kitchen window and i turned to my mom and said "this house is so ghetto". and it's true, if anyone were to walk in, they would've thought it was ghetto. the patterns on the walls, the tiles, the yellow fridge.. sometimes i go to people's houses and think they look ghetto, and then i walk into my old house which is equally ghetto, and it seems so different. it's like a comfortable ghetto. i love that house, and i stopped myself from tearing up 'cause that's gay. my mom and brother want to sell the house, but me and my dad still want to own it and keep renting it out. the thing is, my brother and mother say that if someone owned the house, they would treat it better than people who rent it out. we left, and my mom said that visiting that house makes her fed up because the people who live there always trash it.

i miss it.

- we were early for church, so we drove to the Portuguese store or whatever and we bought bread. sweet bread. i really liked it.
- i cleaned my closet. i really cleaned my closet today. it's nice now.
- i watched the oc from Thursday. and was interrupted when my dad gave me this picture of him a very very very very very long time ago. it was a picture of him in a boat going fishing. he was sitting, wearing these light blue short shorts, he had these high socks on and these really sweet sneakers on that i wish i could have, and he had this massive afro. and when i say massive, it was a massive pile of curls atop his head. and beside him was a pack of cigarettes. it made me laugh. i love old pictures. this one was really sweet though. it made you wanna be on that boat fishing with him.

-Seth proposed to Summer. i wonder if it was for real.

the holiday

kay so weirdest thing.

Let Go by Frou Frou is in The Holiday too. it has a rather decent soundtrack too. when Cameron Diaz and Jude Law were gonna get it on Just For Now by Imogen Heap was playing. OMG Jude Law has kids in this movie and it's the cutest thing on Earth. he's DEFINITELY a D.I.L.F.
there were some really good quotes too.. some that explained things to me very well..

Arthur Abbott: Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at eachother and that's the 'meet cute.'

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.


there were more, but i couldn't find it :(

my legs hurt

hmmph.

i dont wanna type. so i'll just give you the deets.

1) pascale took me out for lunch
2) pascale bought me Garden State and we watched it at his house
3) saw The Holiday with Breanne
4) went to Red Robbins with Breanne, Nick (st. joes) and Darin (st. joes)
where Julie was working, so she was cool and got us alcohol :D

haha

now im sitting here talking to Jordan on MSN as he's shirtless on webcam hahaha.
and yes

my legs hurt.

smile you wench

this morning i woke up ten minutes early without any problem.
this morning as i sat in the dark and listened to my music

i didn't feel the sadness i usually do. instead, i smiled.

yesterday stephane told me to smile. and then he called me a wench.

maybe

i would hate to be one of those girls who always need someone there for her. the one's that can't handle being independent.

but maybe i do need someone all the time. maybe i'm scared to be independent, although sometimes it's nice to trick ourselves into being something we're not to cover any flaws we may have.

maybe i don't want to be lonely. and maybe i'll do anything to avoid being lonely.
but who can blame me? i guess i just wasn't made for handling lonliness well.

and maybe when you try filling that gap for four months, but it never seems to fill up, maybe i was
always looking in the wrong place. and maybe that place wasn't willing to help me fill that gap.
so then i thought maybe i should look somewhere else.

although it still hurts, i can't keep going to you to make me happy if you're not willing. i can't force you to do something you don't want to even if you say otherwise. actions speak louder than words and i can't help that. maybe i'm not what you're looking for, and maybe you're not the one for me. but always know you're important to me, i'll care about you always, i miss you, and i'll always be there for you, like i always am..

lose an argument in a cable car

hmm i am so incredibly unbelievably totally completely utterly bored out of my FRICKEN mind. and i sit here thinking how my mother did a swell job in ruining my first semester of grade eleven by grounding me on November 1st for two months for a 67 in Religion and a 70 in Math. and guess what? it's not like those marks are any better!
have i mentioned that grade eleven is a huge painful slap in the face that's gonna leave a red mark once i fail some courses and the option of University is nicely crossed out with a red X, conveniently the same color of the mark that's gonna be left on my face by my mother once all these unfortunate events nicely fall into place within the next few months.

GREAT ISN'T IT?

and you know what's greater? no matter how much i contemplate the consequences and how bad they can really turn out, all i can really do is sit here and right about how i'm going to end up a bum on Jasper Avenue or a prostitute on Whyte Avenue. might as choose now, between Jasper and Whyte. ERRR what is wrong with me. moving this computer into my room was seriously not a good idea AT ALL.
you know what else is not a good idea AT ALL. getting involved with boys that make you go nuts when you really try your hardest to not let it get to you while you try desperately to study for Biology or Social or Math or whatever class it is you're failing.
there's just a ton of factors to take into consideration. it's been almost four months. FOUR MONTHS IN THIS SECRET ALLIANCE. it's just so weird. i mean, my longest relationship was 2 months and 3 weeks in grade nine HAHA. and this is like.. four months? and it's not even a real thing. its a secret alliance as i like to call it, but i don't know. it's just so frustrating. and then a second later it's not frustrating at all, it's re-assuring, and then the next second it's frustrating all over again.
and then there's the hormones racing and all the other guys i'm attracted to at the same time. it's just nuts. i am a huge mess. i swear.

another thing i noticed. well, actually, i don't feel like writing it. haha. sorry about the inclination of suspense there :P

hmm so Will's in Hawaii right now.
i'm grounded right now.
Joe's.. i don't know where Joe is.
Daniel's at his girlfriend's.
The Fray just told me "heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why. hold on tight wait for tomorrow you'll be alright."
why does that just seem to make me laugh.
tomorrow me and Pascale are gonna spend lunch together. to talk and stuff.
we're discussing where we're gonna go.
do you ever have friends, but they're friends you always joke around with and sometimes you feel like awkward around them because all you do is joke around?
i'm thinking maybe hanging out with him tomorrow might be a mistake. but i know it's not like someone else is going to come see me..
so i'm going to.
and maybe i won't joke around this time.
maybe i'll say something that means something.
something smart. and something that might seem like i'm opening up.
although, there really isn't much there to let him discover.

i also noticed..
maybe i do laugh too much. and joke around too much.
i've always been that way though. i wonder if it's a cover up.
i don't know though. i really don't...

maybe i do that to avoid fights or disagreements. i tend to give a little chuckle here and there
even if it's only to lighten things up once and awhile

when things need to be lightened up.

let go

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown


Andrew: "You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself - This is love... this is love."

Sam: "This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."

Andrew: "I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."

Andrew: "There?s a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed."
Sam: "There's a handful of normal kid things I kinda wish I could miss."
Andrew: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home any more. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit that idea of home is gone."
Sam: "I still feel at home in my house."
Andrew: "You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

Mark: "I'm ok with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

Andrew: "Let's just talk about good stuff. "
Sam: "Good stuff?"
Andrew: "Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?"
Sam: "I got a little buzz. I got that. What you got?"
Andrew: "I got a little buzz going and I like you."

Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman: So?
Sam: He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Sam: "You have to listen to this song.. it'll change your life I swear."

hey, are you lonely?

Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground, but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud... and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?

So what if you catch me, where would we land?
In somebody's life forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's thrown on the sand.
All of your works are rated again.

Where to go? But it's all wrong, you're so strong.

garden state

i've never felt so into any movie before in my entire life. i cried, i laughed, i thought. and it was good.
i mean, this movie is simply complicated and complicatedly simple. there are no words to describe it.
but i want that.
sitting in the dark under a big blanket on my usual chair.. Boots came and found me and he fell asleep in my lap during the movie. do you ever watch a movie and when the credits come up, you just sit there for minutes upon minutes until you realize you've been sitting there minutes upon minutes? so picked up Boots in my arms, turned off the DVD player and the TV and went upstairs to my room. and now i'm here.

i've had the soundtrack to Garden State on my iPod for the longest time, and i always listened to it 'cause it's really good, but it always brings new meaning to a song after you see it in a really good movie. i remember reading Megan's nexopia blog and there was this quote on what love is. snot running down your nose and someone loving you enough to lend you a sleeve. i never knew where it was from. and then i watched them sitting in the bathtub, and his telling the story of his mom, and i remembered where i heard it. and then at the end, just having Let Go by Frou Frou playing .. it totally completely topped it off. every song that came up just made me feel even more of whatever it was i was feeling.

i love Zach Braff with my entire heart. and i had no idea he wrote that movie until the end credits.
and not to mention the laughs. i felt like an idiot sitting there by myself laughing at the shirt this lady friend of his mom's made him and how he blended in with the wall. i laughed so hard and then i felt like a retard 'cause i was by myself. and when she got the cup to save his tear.. haha. that made me laugh too.

it's definitely one of the cutest movies i have ever seen.. and it definitely got a 6/5 on my movie ratings..

i just realized how pathetic and how big a loner i am.. i think i may become the crazy cat lady when i'm older..

oh yeah, one last thing. i fucking laughed when he did his moment of originality :P HAHAHAH

a fine line

So yeah, last night I wrote some stuff in my cell phone so there’s a few things I’d like to cover…

I think there’s a fine line between making someone feel better and leading them on. Don’t you? I mean, you could be making them feel better, but you could always be saying a whole bunch of crap just to make them feel better. Right? AM I RIGHT? I don’t know, I thought about that..

Also, I have to blame all the stupid shit I say and do on my gender. Because I am 100 percent positive if I wasn’t a girl, I wouldn’t do half the stupid shit I do and say half the stupid shit I say. Girls suck and so does being one.

Since I am currently in Communications, I should probably go and study some more social for the test I have in about 20 minutes. ERR WILL ISN’T HERE BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO HAWAII TOMORROW I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY HE IS.

haha jeez woman

"How do you feel about a friend who has to go everywhere with you? Not only does he tag along all the time, but since he is so offensive and vulgar, you become unwelcome when with him. He has a peculiar odor that sticks to you wherever you go. Others think both of you stink. He controls you totally. When he says jump, you jump. Sometimes in the middle of a blizzard or storm, he wants you to come to the store and pick him up. You would give your spouse hell if he or she did that to you all the time, but you can't argue with your friend. Sometimes, when you are out at a movie or play he says he wants you to go stand in the lobby with him and miss important scenes. Since he calls all the shots in your life, you go. Your friend doesn't like your choice of clothing either. Instead of politely telling you that you have lousy taste, he burns little holes in these items so you will want to throw them out. Sometimes, he tires of the furniture and gets rid of it too. Occasionally, he gets really nasty and decides the whole house must go. He gets pretty expensive to support. Not only is his knack of property destruction costly, but you must pay to keep him with you. In fact, he will cost you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. And you can count on one thing, he will never pay you a penny in return. Often at picnics you watch others playing vigorous activities and having lots of fun doing them. But your friend won't let you. He doesn't believe in physical activity. In his opinion, you are too old to have that kind of fun. So he kind of sits on your chest and makes it difficult for you to breathe. Now you don't want to go off and play with other people when you can't breathe, do you? Your friend does not believe in being healthy. He is really repulsed by the thought of you living a long and productive life. So every chance he gets he makes you sick. He helps you catch colds and flu. Not just by running out in the middle of the lousy weather to pick him up at the store. He is more creative than that. He carries thousands of poisons with him which he constantly blows in your face. When you inhale some of them, they wipe out cilia in your lungs which would have helped you prevent these diseases. But colds and flu are just his form of child's play. He especially likes diseases that slowly cripple you - like emphysema. He considers this disease great. Once he gets you to have this, you will give up all your other friends, family, career goals, activities - everything. You will just sit home and caress him, telling him what a great friend he is while you desperately gasp for air. But eventually your friend tires of you. He decides he no longer wishes to have your company. Instead of letting you go your separate ways, he decides to kill you. He has a wonderful arsenal of weapons behind him. In fact, he has been plotting your death since the day you met him. He picked all the top killers in society and did everything in his power to ensure you would get one of them. He overworked your heart and lungs. He clogged up the arteries to your heart, brain, and every other part of your body. In case you were too strong to succumb to this, he constantly exposed you to cancer causing agents. He knew he would get you sooner or later. Well, this is the story of your "friend," your cigarette. No real friend would do all this to you. Cigarettes are the worst possible enemies you ever had. They are expensive, addictive, socially unacceptable, and deadly. Consider all this and - NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! Joel © Joel Spitzer 1990, 2001 "

thanks Leigha, for that message that didn't really affect me in any way but the abdominal muscles.

the ride always beats the destination

so going by the notes in my cell phone NotePad, i have a few things to cover...
i've come to the conclusion that this thing going on would be a valid secret alliance. i don't know what else to call it.. but knowing that even when you're pissed off you know it's still good? i think i'd call that an alliance.. obviously not one eligible for Big Brother or Survivor, but one that's eligible in life.

when i yawn, i never really can make my mind up as to whether or not i should cover my mouth or not. and the thing is, by the time i decide to cover my mouth, i'm done yawning. so i'm sitting there with my hand over my already-finished-yawning mouth. and as a result, i look like a fool.

i re-arranged my room yesterday. and then i went on MSN to inform whoever it was that decided to talk to me. and after i told him, he said "wtf is with you and re-arranging your room?" and then i said "i dunno.. i just.. i dunno lol" and then i continued to say "i guess it just makes me feel better" and he said "you should be an interior designer" and i said "i considered it.."

ok, so i went to West Ed. yesterday right? and one thing i notice that ALWAYS confuses me is debit machines. i mean, they swipe my card, k cool, then they hand me that handheld thing, k cool, and then it always takes me 5 minutes to just find the right button. it's confusing, anger inducing, and embarassing. not a good combination.

last but not least. THE RIDE ALWAYS BEATS THE DESTINATION. what does that mean? well, i find that anticipation is always more fun than the thing you are actually anticipating. kinda like Christmas. don't you think the wait is more fun than Christmas itself? another example (a well-known one) is the chase. the chase in relationships. once the chase is over, it really isn't fun anymore sometimes, unless you're caught in a situation like mine and you spend 3 months in the chase like you're trapped in the chase and it's always aggravating but generally rewarding and fun. it's like, knowing what could happen, but you know not's gonna happen. it's real weird. but yes, thats another thing i've learned: the ride always beats the destination


"the past is just the future with lights on" -- Zacharie's MSN personal message

thanks Zacharie pt.2

Jealousy is only another act in showing how much you want her
Holding her is only another act in showing how much you need her
Kissing her is only another act in showing how much you admire her
The amount of times you smile at her, is telling her how beautiful you think she is
But respect is telling her the how much you actually care and love her
Every night , someone thinks about you before
they go to sleep,
At least fifteen people in this world love you.
The only reason someone would ever hate you is
because they want to be
just like you
There are at least two people in this world that
would die for
you
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on
you, take a look.
Always remember the compliments you've received.
Forget the rude remarks.

a secret between you and me

one more thing.. let's keep this between us, because to be honest?
i highly doubt any of them have big enough balls to go through with it anyways.

GWTF = go with the flow

honestly now, COME THE FUCK ON. some people just can't realize how lucky they are. either that or they're just huge vacuums who want to suck everyone's attention.

jeeeeeeeeesus.
my mind fails to understand why people constantly try changing things that can't be changed. why can't people just accept things for what they are instead of moping about it over and over and over again.
deal with it.

i mean, i don't understand how these people are gonna last when life actually begins. high school is just a prep for real life, and if people can't even handle high school then good luck to them in the future. seriously.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY AND GO HAVE FUN. it makes me laugh in a way, because i KNOW in the future they'll look back, and regret how ridiculously gay and retarded and just.. ridiculous they were.

it just absolutely blows my mind to bits. i mean, i admit, sometimes i can be a major drama queen myself i'm a girl it's kind of expected. but at least i can realize how incredibly stupid i'm being about a certain situation and instead of fucking bitching and whining about it i find myself turning on some good music to dance to. sometimes that's all you need to just get in your head how much of an enormous joke high school really is.
none of it's gonna fucking matter (besides marks) when you're out looking for a job and raising a family and paying bills. now thats what i'm gonna get all worked up about. thats when it's normal to resort to extreme ridiculous measures.. when your business goes down the drain, your kids stress you out and you can't seem to pay the bills. then you get kicked out of your house for collateral and then where you gonna go??? i'm pretty sure when it comes to paying bills every month instead of buying worthless crap, you're gonna regret how complicated you made life seem when you were a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst.

and maybe it does seem like i'm a dumb teenager oozing with teen angst. and maybe i am wrong about all the above. but would it hurt to at least think that? so you can at least get on with your life when it needs to be gotten on?!?!?!

but that's ok

haha oh yeah. i saw Pascale at church on Saturday. LMAO. i think that's hilarious. seeing people you don't think go to church, at church.

wow.
so on a totally unrelated topic
i should never tell a boy i love him unless it's under these circumstances: he says it first, and i actually feel it.

so i doubt i'll ever say it haha.
but that's ok

tweed exterior silk interior

blah i bought these really awesome shoes today from Oasis. Tweed Converse. i'm a shoe fanatic and my collection was longing for Converse. Converse is like an essential. even if i'm not a big fan of Converse, they had tweed exterior silk interior. WHO WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO THAT? maybe you regular people could, but i, for one, am not a regular person.

kay, i am currently experiencing the biggest mother fucking headache known to mankind. i am truly sorry for the cursing as well. but there was no other way to describe this monster pain. HOLY SHIT if i was emo i would probably shoot myself in the forehead or in the mouth right about

now.

have i mentioned that i added another string to my wrist? well yes i did. and it's white. i'm not quite sure what it stands for yet. i have to think of something soon though. i have 4 strings on my wrist now. the first one i put on was this beige string that i liked. and it reminded me to be happy. because i was going through a pretty shitty time last April, and that's when i put this string on. the other one has 7 light blue beads on it. i got it at the Kelowna airport. it's like tradition. two years ago me and my brother got them at that airport and he still has his, but i had to take mine off for dance shows. so this summer i got another one. it represents Romance. it's one of those wish bracelets. but i only got it for the color. another one of them is grey yarn. yarn my grandma was using when i decided to take a piece to put on my wrist. at the time it meant nothing but now it reminds me of Italy and family, so i keep it. then last week i found some white string in my brother's room so i decided to cut a piece off and put it on. hopefully i find something for it to represent soon. possibly self-discipline. 'cause i wanna get in shape by New Years. OMG i've got it. ok, so when you're in shape you don't need to wear black to look slimmer, right? so people in shape look good in white, and the string is white, so it all relates to each other.

WOW IM GENIOUS.

autographs later...

as the song says

i rattled my brain to come up with what it is exactly that i would like to see under the Christmas tree...

-new good quality headphones
-iPod polish
-Che Guevara poster by Andy Warhol (floor to ceiling)
-money
-Step Up
-self-discipline
-good times with family
-"better days" as the song says
-good marks = more freedom
-anything that possesses any relation to Andy Warhol or Che Guevara

i don't know, there isn't anything i really want this year that other people could get me.
i'll just say i want whatever it is my mom bought and wrapped and placed under the tree haha.

"i want it. it is you"