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as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever


(i will be posting Oasis lyrics for a while now)

i'm gonna start reading my Art History text book.

i can totally do this... i just need to take it one day at a time and avoid looking at the entire picture at once.
this is totally what i want to do with my life, i will try my hardest and work hard. there's no way that i can't do that.

i will love every minute of it

AUG31.08
for some reason i thought it was August 30. school starts soon.
i have an ugly lonely spell right now.
i'm only 18. things will happen. my life is just a big rain cloud over me right now. things i have to do, books i have to read. i fell like everything is just waiting to be accomplished, but i can't seem to just do it. if i just did things i set out to do, maybe i'd have more to say to people. maybe i'm not as over high school mentality as i thought. maybe where i thought i was capable of intense conversation, i'm really not... this is such a sad realization.

i just stay in the background and say nothing. i just stare and listen and analyze people, their expressions and mannerisms. and for what really? so i can be forgotten and never stand out? i thought i had broken out of my shell years ago. maybe there's a lot more to break through still. i regret being ignorant to most things in my life.. if i paid attention more to simple, everyday things, i might have more to say about things.

i feel like i've been quiet my whole life. i've said nothing, done nothing, impacted
No One.
i think the only thing that will make me feel better right now is if i listen to Bob and talk to God...

i'm sure he misses me.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you - we talk of growing old
But you said please don't !

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind We'll find a way
To do what we've done

God was sitting on my head. he grabbed my hands and clapped them together. he strained my voicebox and tickled my brain for the lyrics he knew were in there. He was totally right there. in every puff of marijuana smoke i could see erupting over the crowd in random spots. "where were you when we were getting high?", there were more marijuana smoke eruptions for that song for sure.

there is nothing like live music. live music is better than love, sex, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. to stand there in the center of the people, we were all connected. unfamiliar faces were familiar to me because we were feeling the exact same thing in the exact same moment. a concert is more than just a concert. it's proof that people have a love for something, that people believe in something real.

this is what the Gallaghers do to me, world. you need to listen to what they say, and what they play and you'll find it beautiful, same as me. it's when you hear the first couple chords and your brain knows right away... thousands of brains know right away. you roar because you want to participate and you don't want to feel out of the bubble. you stand up and wave your arms and laugh and mess up the words 'cause no one gives a shit and everyone's in love with the air.

you can find me chasing the sun.

i've collected a few golden websites
and i love spending time discovering new music

when i started this new blog over a year ago, i was really affected by the saying "don't think just feel". i can't remember where i read it, but i remember skimming by it, going back to it to actually think about, and it made me feel so much better about situations.

don't think, just feel.
i need to do that more.

but then i think again.
think again think again
think again

how would bob react, how would chris react.. or andy or che.
the walk down the hill is far too bumpy to attack right away. i might as well enjoy the horizon all by myself and rest my back against the lonely tree.
perhaps i shouted so loudly i didn't hear anything else going on around me?
maybe if i listened more the skies would shout back at me what i was shouting at them.

think again. steer away from what i am. i can outgrow it. why can't i live the way i wish i lived? my habits get in the way and although i want to be carefree, i'm not. i'm not. i could listen to you more.
i wish i had more secrets.
i wish i had more things i could keep to myself.
i wish i had more things you were desperate to figure out.

it's too late now to stifle the way i really am. the one thing bothering me is the one thing that can make me feel better.

why ???

i've walked up the hill to only find a lonely tree. no, i didn't laugh.
on the way up the hill i stepped on rocks and grass and shouted my life story at the top of my lungs. i shared with the sky and whoever was listening the words i'd written, the thoughts i'd thought, the things i'd done. running the few last steps of the hill, when all the horizon came into my view, i became disappointed. i wasn't expecting to see an unbroken horizon. i was expecting to see the silhouette of someone else.

although i don't want to expect there to be another hill, i plan to tackle it in silence and leave my book closed. this way, i won't expect someone to meet me at the top.

Penelope died.


and that is not a joke. i can't believe it. my first fish, and she lasted two months.
i miss her =(

yesterday i went to the eye doctor. on the way back Conor picked me up from Belvedere and we went to Kingsway because he needed to buy shoes. sexy shoes at that. and then we went to his place and watched Green Street Hooligans, and then later on we went to see The Dark Knight.

fabulous movie. fabulous day.
today i'm driving to Saskatchewan.

i crashed my car.


haha just kidding. i shouldn't say that. i drove it quite well today.
we went to Londonderry, where the tailor told Daniel his pants would be ready in an hour, so we moved onto West Edmonton Mall. we checked out my iPod at the new Apple store which could probably be mistakened for heaven on earth. except they gave me bad news about the black hole my screen has attained. it can't be fixed, but i guess i'll have to put up with it until next summer... when i think i'm gonna buy a new Mac laptop and an iPod. it'll be my investment. we then went to Urban Outfitters to get Daniel a shirt for this wedding. i immediately had good ideas and he ended up with a nice sweater to wear, and after some necessary fabric frolicking, i unwillingly left empty handed. i want clothes when i go there. i wish it wasn't so expensive.

i've decided i'll go back before school starts. i'm gonna buy two sweaters, a pair of sweatpants, and a pair of nice nice jeans. maybe i'll get another pair of those American Apparel sweatpants.. i love those. in grey this time , so i'll have green black and grey sweatpants. my staple clothing.

and the sweaters i'll get from either Value Village or Urban Outfitters... and the jeans i'll have to actually spend some good money on.

well after the West Edmonton adventure we went back to Londonderry to see if his pants were ready yet. we ended up waiting a little bit more. and then his pants were fine, so we then went to Canadian Tire.

that was interesting, because i needed to buy mats for my car (we got tan ones to match the interior :D) and i ended up running into Josh and Marshall from elementary haha.
it was really sweet to see them. it's been about two years i think since i last seen them. before that, it was probably grade 6 haha.

anyways, i have to organize my bag, my closet, get some CDs in a box to put in my car, and figure out what i'm going to wear to this wedding!

ps i did ALL the driving today and i'm still alive. and i'm gonna drive to Saskatchewan on Friday!

this morning i played the chauffeur, as my brother needed to run some errands, and i needed/wanted to drive my beautiful Saab around the streets of Edmonton.

my cell phone has been silent for awhile now, Conor is camping at Pigeon Lake. i wonder if it was stormy last night.

we went to the gym last night and i walked out after a 55 minute run and it was sprinkling and it was humid. i walked to my car opened it and sat down. parked closer to the building for when Daniel came out. i felt like an adult. in my car. on my own.

but in a parking lot.

we came home and i ate half a bowl of cereal and i'm glad to say i've been maintaining my weight. i left for Italy and was 155 pounds. i am now 145 pounds and it only seems to be dropping.

it's a real weird change. i don't watch television anymore, i don't feel the need for food anymore. i think it's because with Conor and Breanne, i have a real social life i can replace tv and food with. it makes me think.. this is what real social human beings do!

last night as i was lonely
i played my music and worked on my project.
my project is the birthday card of a family friend who is turning 80 soon.
i've decided to make it sentimental and unnecessary, simply because it is my time filler.. something to color, cut and paste when i have nothing else to do.
it's not turning out as cool as i thought it would, but it's already pretty extensive, so it's the thought that counts.

i keep having urges to do something with my room. there's only so much a person can do to their bedroom, and i can't wrap my mind around it.

no, it is fine the way it is right now.

i love the smell of my car. i suppose i haven't formally introduced it to the world yet, have i?
it's a 2004 9-5 turbo Saab. it's a grey-ish, black-ish, blue-ish, brown-ish color (it's pretty complex, depending the lighting it's in), has heated seats, a sun roof, triptronics, pressure windshield system, 49 000 km, CD and tape, and ignition between the driver and passenger seats.. all for 15000 dollars. it's a beautiful car, and i've got some names picked out for it (female Swedish names, mostly) and once i drive it more and get to know it, i will choose from my list:

-Molly
-Petra (stone)
-Astrid (divine beauty)
-Ingrid
-Marion (from Requiem for a Dream)
-Marla (from Fight Club)
-Edie (as in Edie Sedgwick)
-Hanna (gracious)
-Sylvia (from La Dolce Vita)

i think they're very cute names.

i'm bored. i may drive me and my brother to the fringe later on.

i love my car. the doorbell's ringing.

yesterday, the fringe with Conor and Breanne.
it's been an alright week.

something you didn't know,
when i was a kid, i had this red and gold jacket that i would wear and pretend to be Michael Jackson in.
when we went to Italy, my mom would treat me like some sort of performing dog and tell me to do Michael Jackson for people, and i would imitate him. i don't remember exactly what i did, but my mom told me that i would do Thriller.

hahahah she reminded me of this, this summer, and i couldn't be more happy about it. Michael Jackson will always have my heart.

the sexiest guitar playing i've seen is found in the music video for Time Is Running Out by Muse.

Matthew Bellamy could not look any better than that. well maybe he can, but it would be very difficult.

i miss Muse, i think i'l start listening to them again, they really are quite talented.

i'm finishing the rest of my vermicelli bowl.
mmm...

this is what i do.
i experience, i write
almost immediately

i was above the clouds, im telling you,
but i know if i was under them, i would have felt the same.

i don't want to make a big deal, because wandering eyes may wander here and if certain ones do, then.. they may get scared.

i looked at the street lights
and i thought without thinking
like i chew my nails without thinking
and my thoughts went from thought to thought to thought
and happy.

a squeeze on the finger, a smile
happy.

just that
yup

it was quite a nice day. Heather picked me up around 11 and i just tagged along as she ran her last few errands before she leaves tomorrow :(

i bought a tape adapter and sweatpants and a sleeveless hoodie at American Apparel.

i was gonna say other stuff, but i think i might take a nap.
a yawn has just consumed my whole face.

and my car is now on our property. it's beautiful.

my thoughts are crushing my neck. at least thats what i think is causing this pain.

i want to sleep, but i don't

he texted me today asking when i work so he could stop by to get his souvenir.
what a dick thing to say. although i'm sure he didnt mean it that way.
i told him when i work and that i didn't know about the souvenir.
and he said Where The Fuck Is My Souvenir

he did buy me a drink from Halo before i flew across the pond, though.
my goal is to finish Che Guevara's biography. it's sitting on the bottom shelf, of all shelves, and my book mark is still in there.

i don't like to finish books. over the years, i've read only half of half the books i've read. i like that.
i've read only half of half the books i've read.

i want a yogurt. but i won't

i'm no longer in Mazzy Star mode. i am in silence mode.
i'm tired of shuffle
i'm tired of lonely
i'm tired of computer
i'm tired

brainstorming names for my car...

its difficult. i had no clue, now i have many clues
and they all sound so good. i'll just write them down and then see which one the car makes me feel like.

=D

i told myself i'd pick the first name i thought of, but i have decided to actually spend time on this.
don't laugh

im so used to being around people

that now im by myself in this room
with no one but the cold air around my feet
and i feel anxious when i turn the television on
to Big Brother. and i have no idea what's going on. and i feel disconnected from every television show on.
i could sit outside but then i'll think about him, and i think i need to keep myself busy with other things.
it's too dark for a bike ride in the middle of nowhere.
i could draw
or write some more
or fall asleep with my scarf keeping me warm
i could strike a conversation with Penelope and hope she hears every word i say amplified through the water, and Heather could hear too.
and the real Heather leaves in a few days and i still can't believe it. i don't think she'll be gone, but

she will be gone. and i won't react until i need her again. i respond in times of need
i want to be held
i'm used to feeling your fingertips on my back and your lips on my jaw line
i feel nauseous most of the time
and i haven't been eating properly
and my thumbnail is longer than the other and it bothers me but i keep forgetting to cut it
i need to shower tomorrow. or bathe. probably bathe.
i need to finish Clockwork Orange, but i don't know if i can handle it by myself. where's waldo
i want to play pogs with someone
i'm resisting the new Green Eggs and Ham notebook Heather bought me. blank paper is so tempting. i want to mark it up and dirty it
i'm wearing my retainers for the first time in 2 months and it hurts and it feels good because i know something good is happening. but the pain stops eventually and i bite down hard on my retainers to create some friction. or some sort of assurance that something good is happening.

school is scaring me.
but i have a car. i will be able to drive it. and that means i can see you whenever you or i want. minus 9-5 monday to friday. i can even drive as designated.


hello

oh blog, you have become a ball and chain, it seems.
this is the best summer thus far in my life.
accepted to design
a 2004 Saab in my possession
an imperfectly perfect man in my arms
high school forever over

i can get on with things, finally.

maybe you are not a ball and chain. you are there when i need you.

I was at the Tate Museum today in London and i was just walking around and i stood at this one painting by a Cuban artist named Wilfred Lam and all of a sudden, like in the movies, this tall thin man with a large nose walks up to me and asks,
"so what do you think about this one?" just like in the movies.
i was so caught off guard that i said " it's pretty cool i guess."

and then i was embarrassed and i could feel my face turning red because, what a teenaged unintelligent thing to say!!
so i continued on, commenting on the contrast and how i liked the way it wasn't as cluttered as some of the other paintings.. and how i liked the fuzziness of the lines, that they weren't so distinct..
and he just nodded his head and agreed and told me his opinion as well...
"so where are you from?" i asked. "Belgium." "oh really? that's sweet."
"where are you from?" "Canada."
"oh thats quite far away." he said.
"Yup. I leave tomorrow."
"Oh so you're just visiting as many museums as you can then?" he asked.
"Yeah pretty much..
i actually went to Shakespeare's The Globe earlier today."
"Oh that's nice."

and that's all. it was a pretty peak moment i have to say.

i must leave with something profound, in case the plane crashes and i die
or i end up floating on an armchair in the middle of the ocean for a prolonged period of time,
or i get on the wrong plane and end up in Fiji
or my lacking swimming skills leave me to sink to the bottom of the ocean,

i at least need something profound in here that people can read and say "she was outstanding."

leaving was an ideal thought, and now the ball and chain attached to my ankle which reads "HOME" is weighing me down, making it impossible for me to leave.
there are many things i will miss
and after saying that, i feel like a baby because i will be gone for 5 weeks.
i will miss Baby and Boots, and Breanne's re-assuring words. i will miss people at work, people i love to kiss, and people i go out with.

we're all under the same moon, stars and sun anyways, and i guess that's all that matters.

see
you
later.

when i am old and grey
and my generation starts to lose their memories,
i am certain that what i've been doing up until now will make it impossible for me to forget anything
when i reach that age.
i write everything down, document everything..
every concert, play or movie i see i write who i went with on the back of the ticket stub
every movie i see i write it down and rate it out of 5
i write down every important thought, text or quote
i still have all his notes.. the bracelet he fixed with his guitar string.. the duct tape wallet he made me.. our animal crackers.

i need a vault to hold all the baggage i carry around with me.

despite the heat and anger, i have to mention that i successfully snuck out of my house last night, for the second time in my life.

in the country we sat on the hood of his car and watched the stars.. and even saw a shooting star. we talked, held hands and kissed and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect night.

oh it's so bloody hot out.

it makes me more lazy than usual. i tried watching Fear and Loathing for the second time today and fell asleep 3 quarters in. i can't seem to finish that movie. i'm not sure what it is.

i feel constantly tired and i don't want to do anything. i still have to pull my suitcase out and begin to pack. i have so much to do but i feel like i'll be packing an hour before i have to leave. it's horrible. i'm horrible. i am feeling very reluctant to do anything. like i could lay and swing on our new swing bench thing all day long. i think i may lay out there tonight for a few hours.
my mom is way stressed out because the only things that come out of her mouth are complaints about me. everything i seem to be doing is wrong and i'm a slob and i haven't gone to the gym in 2 months. i'm seriously contemplating hiding in a ditch when it's time to leave tomorrow.

one thing that pisses me off the most about my mother is her melodramatic attitude, like how she talks about her unsatisfying life and how no one gives a shit about her.. or like the time we went out for dinner for my 18th birthday and it was straight from a movie, the way she refused to speak because no one cares about what she has to say and how she made the whole dinner awkward because it was obvious to everyone the way she was holding back tears. i can't stand when she cries. another thing, is how she talks about how a good girl i was when i was young, and how my parents knew i'd be such a success, and how i was so energetic. whenever she talks like that, i am completely lost as to what childhood she is talking about because as far as i know, i have been a spoiled brat with no compassion for everyone ever since i could open my mouth and speak. so i end up sitting there with my jaw open, trying to recall this time where i was such an "angel". ughfuidgbifubguiergbihge

i will go insane.
i am to the point where whenever she criticizes me, i can't help but laugh. i just find it hilarious now, and i don't even know why. i am more than 100% sure that my lack of confidence in anything, whether it's driving or even socially interacting with people, is the result of the way my mother treats me.

it's a sad realization and Breanne has pointed it out more than once that my mom has an unbelievable amount of control over my life. it is because of her that i turn down social outings and events and i've become such a homebody/hermit. it is her who i think of first when someone asks me to hang out, or to go somewhere, or to do something, because i know that i'm scared to death to ask my mom permission to do anything. i remember two years ago i went out a few nights in a row during spring break to movies, or restaurants or friends, and she picked me up one day and called me a night slut.

fuck i didn't even expect to write this much about it and now i feel like chucking this laptop against the wall in frustration, anger and resentment to the way the most important years of my life have been affected by my mother. it's something that's irreversible and that bothers me

so much.

i'd say 50/50

shopping with my mother is always unnerving. i can't understand, a lot of the time, the brains behind Sears and The Bay.
i needed to look for sandals. and my mom kept pointing out those ones and these ones and the ones over there until i told her that everything in that place was tacky and that i wanted Jesus sandals. she asked me what those were, and i just said "sandals that Jesus would wear."

another thing that i don't like about my mom, is how condescending she can be. she's the epitome of a customer that would ruin my entire day. and i hate being associated with her when she's like that. she gives people a hard time if their service is lacking and i'm usually a little more lenient when it comes to that so i end up being nice to the people and she's the one being bitchy to them and i feel like such a TOOL.

last night was good. me, Breanne, Emily, and Olivia (basically the regulars) went to Halo only to find that half our grade was there also. i felt lame.
but we technically started the party, since it takes so long to pick up at Halo, and we just wanted to dance.
we then drove to Conor's where we put to use his new hookah with 3 pipes. and then we left.
and then we honked.
and then i let spontaneity rule my actions.

which i was really glad for, but perhaps i'm expecting too much...

i want to read now.

Kenny Wormald is my favorite. check it out at 0:24.. my favorite part.

downloaded Hot Chip, Coldplay, M.I.A., N.E.R.D., Santogold, and Jack Johnson albums. i am in the process of downloading The Veronica's.

i will need as much dance-y music as i can get for the next few months of hectic-osity.

this is my 1030th post.

i was engineered by GOD

oh hello.

i'm somewhat distraught. oh man i'm getting anxious. anxious like i do in airports. like i do when i need to go somewhere and half-wanna and half-don't-wanna.

do the classifieds sell mind-sets? because i need to set my mind differently.
i don't mind which or what or who or where, i'll skip the A's 'cause i don't want anxious.
when i don't have anything i wish i had some, and when i have some i wish i had none. it's difficult to pick and choose with options galore which i find in the two. i like the one i last talked too. and perhaps i'll leave and come back with a third.
the similarities are similar and the differences different, all the same in comparison to the last.
i hope i won't let this time go by fast.
for once i need to abandon intensity and just live
and find and breathe and walk
and lay and sing and talk
and dance.

i'll write until my hand falls off
dance until my top moves up
photograph until my eyes hang down
kiss until i can't kiss no more
the trees, the humidity, the apples in the orchards
i'll carve the rocks in the mountains like i always do,
dip my toes in the lake like i never don't.

it's such a dragged out time. i know i'll get ansy and anxious
hearing people talk in the town below
knowing i'm up in my room with the dim lights and only my journal to comfort me. it happens all the time. i'll go out and come in hours of fun later, and want the morning to come fast so i don't have to realize how really all alone i am in this place that i seem to love coming back to. i'll bury my head in books and watch FRIENDS on my iPod for comfort.. pretend i am back in my bed trying my hardest to sleep. but can't. and won't. and shouldn't. because there's so much more i can do with my time. i'll sit on the balcony and watch the moon that isn't visible to any of the contacts on my cell phone. i'll sleep on the balcony where Nonna hangs my clothes to dry. i'll be 8 hours ahead of everyone else for only 5 weeks. for a long time 5 weeks. see time, see sounds, see it all in the pictures i will take.

sometimes i lay awake in bed, my bed, and hear the neighbours dog. close my eyes and place myself in Italy, when the dog barks at night. i really put myself there, so when i open them again, i see the furniture that isn't really there, the window and curtains that aren't there either.

it's always a hard time, for me, i find. to leave. i want to so badly. God knows how foolish i am to think 5 weeks is such a long time, but everyone knows how right i am to think 8 hours is such a long distance.


i hope someone reads this

SOS

i updated the twilight zone album

i am sitting here while my brother talks to Heather on the phone right next to me. arguments are probably more stressful to listen to than to be a part of, i've concluded.

when watching Fawlty Towers, sometimes i get absolutely frustrated because a lot of the comedy comes from misunderstandings, and to see it right in front of my eyes and not being able to do anything about it gets frustrating. and it results in me turning off the show. although i love it dearly, and i love John Cleese dearly as well.

well they made up and now I have to unwillingly listen to a band who i think is awful.

yay

why? to the Sufjan Stevens on my iPod, to whom I don't even listen.

i'm so bored.
i had a point to this, i swear. but i feel like it's better if i don't address it,

hmmm, i wish i had 80 GB on my pod. i want to dance right now.
i'm gonna go sing loudly now

so I just got back from my second 1st date with Timothy David Van Vliet aka Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, and it was a blast.

it's weird because on March 24th, I had a first date with Dave. I ran into him this weekend at Vinyl, and today we went on a second date that should have happened 3 months ago. so i called it our second first date. he picked me up from Breanne's at 6:15 and we got to the Telus World of Science around 7:15 because we got lost, which i thought was pretty cute. anyways, it was really interesting and i couldn't have asked for a better date.

when he dropped me off at home, we hugged, and as i was about to open the door i said "you didn't even kiss me." and he said "i wasn't sure if you were scared your parents were watching." and as i looked out the window to see if my parents were there, he said "who cares" and he grabbed my head and kissed me! it was definitely sexy. and i noticed that he kisses my forehead right before we part ways. at the club, we kissed and before he left he kissed me on the forehead and he did the same tonight. of course, he then messed up my hair as usual, and he drove away.

i'm half-glad and half-bummed that i'll have 5 weeks ahead of me to seclude myself from this place and just weigh out my options and think..

May 5, 2008

I wouldn't say it's how you take a picture, it's what you take it of. Just looking at Ali Bosworth's photos makes me realize why I can't come up with something absolutely stunning. my surroundings are always the same. i take a million pictures in my mind every day, but i am without a camera. his pictures are just everyday things, but it's how he lives his life that make the photos so awesome. the red head in the backyard wouldn't be so pretty without the beat up garage in the background with peeling paint and vines taking it over. perhaps this building just happened to be there. my surroundings seem so uninteresting most of the time. i want to leave and do something awesome. being in st. albert the other night got my mind racing. it seemed so beautiful,
i wanted to be there in that park with those people, capturing their every expression and reading their every thought. i don't think i'll ever stay put. i get high from being in new places. London will be fabulous and all i need is my camera. i'll take 100 pictures a day. ones that capture that pure happiness thati'll feel from being anywhere but here. i love here, too. and that's what my mind can't grasp. i am such a homebody, yet i wish to be other places.

--- Boo it's April 30, 2008. I wonder where i will be 5 years April 30's from now. maybe even 10. will i even be alive. i will be, until i die. Coldplay has a way. how do they even come up with these masterpieces? how does one even start?
i hope one day i can paint pictures with my words and later take pictures of them.

"When I think of you,
I'm rolling on laughing floors.
The world was so clear."

---April 27

Today i realized my full dependence on music. my day started off really well. i was in a decent mood until noon when i was getting aggravated and irritated by everything at work. i wanted people to predict my path and steer way clear from it. once at home, i slept for not as long as i would have liked. Grumpy. in the car i listened to Coldplay, and i concentrated and all of a sudden my mood was.. restored. it's like vertain music is my reminder of my chosen lifestyle, bringing me back when i began wandering to negative places.

i like where this journal is going. i like where my life is going right now as i write this. it won't last forever, so if i ever read these particular lines again, i hope i remember this feeling. so long.

--- April 22
situational traffic. sometimes i am so happy with myself just because of what i've been able to do with my bedroom. it's not even a bedroom anymore. it's like four walls that hibernate scents and thoughts and memories. its my sole comfort, my balcony over-looking th universe.. my hammock in the sun.
..

---April 21
I can;t sleep. the day is for sleeping. the weather sucks. at night i want to live. i thrive on night time. when all is quiet... not seeing outside allows my own imagination to see what it wants. perhaps because it's night, i am not exposed to the vastness of nothing that surrounds me.

Cardigan. there are some words in this language that i absolutely love. i'm not sure what it is... maybe its the image of a bust London... grey, red, blue.. buttons so small but very significant. cardigan. all in the word cardigan. if i was wearing a cardigan i would feel that extra confidence that i lack.
...

i re-arranged my room again

my brother's and Heather's graduation. i was not there. i was in a computer lab writing an english diploma. how fun.

i spent $625 today.

here is an un-brief list of what i bought.

from Urban Outifitters-
-2 flowy tank tops
-Diana+ camera
-a really sweet grey little jacket-y thing (my splurge of the day!)
-the brown leather knapsack i've been eyeing for one week
-a Random Dawdle mousepad
-black headband
-blue shoes

from Old Navy-
-2 pairs of flip flops
-bathing suit
-pear scented solution and bamboo sticks
-black bathing suit
-3 pairs of shorts

from BananaRepublic-
-an orange striped shirt

from H&M-
-a brown summer dress
-striped capri pants

from Aldo-
-the coolest yellow wallet

and then at Heather's, she gave me a whole bunch of books i can read on the plane and stuff. i am so excited to buy film for my camera though. it's a "loving recreation of the legendary 1960's all-plastic cult camera."

cool beans. it was the most successful shopping trip in 18 years.

fucking 4th post.
i love pictures.

PS I Love You

was an awful movie. yes, i cried. and i have realized that when i cry in a movie, it had some sor tof impact on me. but this movie did not leave me with a good feeling at all. it made me feel hopeless and depressed.

wow what an awful movie. i didn't feel uplifted or inspired, it seemed to be there, but for the wrong reasons and i don't even know what.

i feel like crap.

i want to see a movie where Gerard Butler doesn't die! why must the epitome of a man die in movies?!

that isn't even the point, maybe. he reminds me of someone and maybe that is why i feel the way i do about this movie.

hopeless, icky feelings. icky

i almost forgot. while on Jasper ave, i found graffiti that said "SAMO". i freaked out and took a picture on my cell phone.

Basquiat, the graffiti artist who worked under Andy Warhol, has been known by tagging walls and objects with SAMO in the 70's.

i thought it was miraculous to find SAMO tagged on a wall in my own city