i now know the difference

fuck man. i now finally know the difference. i used to think i was emo. in the "emotional" way. feeling and experiencing emotions all the time. i now know the difference. i've changed. i don't know when it happened. or how it happened. but it happened. and i realized it this second.
when i got sad or depressed over something. i used to not want to be better. i used to want to stay depressed for a long time. deep down i enjoyed listening to depressing songs and sitting there criticising myself and others who had hurt me. i used to want a reason to throw pens at my wall. i used to want everyone else to sense something was wrong. i used to want to blow things out of proportion ( well, i still do that at times but hey that's just how i am haha), and fucking cry about it. i notice the change in my old blog. sometimes i read my old stuff and i'm embarrassed that shit came out of my mouth. i hate that real deep writing. when you're trying so hard, too hard, to find out what you're purpose in life is. i fucking hate that. i used to talk about being "silently upset", well you know what, that entry was fucking gay ass. i can't believe some of that shit was conceived in my own cerebellum. and that's how i know i've changed. i hate reading my old stuff sometimes. my favorite entries are the ones when i talk about my day, random things i've noticed, and the ones where i crack jokes. those make me laugh. the other shitty emo "trying to find my purpose in life" entries fucking make me wanna smash my head open against the floor. LIFE IS OVERRATED. don't fucking talk about it anymore. the good writing sessions for me are when i talk about real shit. stuff that happened to me in my day. what i did during the day. the fucking guy at the bus stop too. what Leigha said to me the other day. that stuff makes my day.
fuck. i hate deep shit.
*huge ass sigh*
i think we make too big a deal of things sometimes. i mean, my entry called "perfectly well". i admit, it was pretty good. but who fucking cares! i mean, who honestly reads all that shit. if this wasn't my own blog, i woulda read half of that and then got frustrated and closed the window. FUCK.

when i'm sad and depressed now, i fucking turn on some good music and do something about it. i jump around. i pretend to brush it off until it's actually brushed off. i think GO WITH THE FLOW. i think i'm a fuckin 16 year old drama queen who'se fucking being gay and feeling depressed about shit that doesn't even matter in the end. i think i'm a fucking 16 year old who still has a whole lifetime to get depressed about REAL shit. sure, you feel like the biggest pile of shit at the moment, but fast forward a year from that moment, 2 years even. you're gonna be embarrassed for even getting so down about something that doesn't even matter. i mean, there's bigger things in life to get depressed about. and you know what's even better!? there's bigger things in life to get fucking excited about too. just like when my mom took my cell phone away. and grounded me for two months. i took it like a mature human being for once. of course i was bitter for about an hour, but after, i thought maybe now i can spend some quality time with my mom. perfect opportunity to get along with her. it's about time i fuckin got rid of my cell phone for awhile anyways. it's all i think about. and today i got home and gave her my phone without even her asking and getting mad about it. i've finally realized what it means to be a civilized mature person. when i fucking screw up in life, i take responsibility for it. even if i think it's way unfair, it's her decision. and if her standards are too high, i should make mine higher. i'm 16 and yeah i think i know everything sometimes but that's backfired in my face plenty of times before. and maybe it's time i start learning. i'm an adult in 2 years. a fucking adult. i better start fucking acting like one. i'm rambling on i know that. but i'm on a roll and i don't wanna stop here. UGH.

then there;s those people who say they've been through shit in their life and that's why they're allowed to be depressed. well, you know what? i met someone last year. i got to know him better this year. and he's been through hell in his lifetime. way worse than anything i've heard so far. and yet, he still has fun and doesn't dread on the past. and i fuckin respect that. i know that if i had to go through what he has, i probably would've been dead by now. and even though those things have made him rougher and harder, and maybe he doesn't have the best habits and manners but he's so strong. and i've learned a lot from him. i haven't ever told him that. i actually haven't really talked to him in a few days. but he's become important to me in the past two months...

i dunno. this world is fucking fucked up. i know i've said that plenty times before and maybe my rambling just made it that much more clear for me. people just need to chill out sometimes, and i know i'm probably the last person that should be saying that, but it's true. people have to look at their situations from a different perspective. step outside their bodies and really look at what's happening around them. there's a whole world out there.. why focus on something that won't matter in a few months?

i dunno. as Leigha said in her new blog, that's just what i think.