i go on strike

so yeah. pretty bored. sitting here. still have some hours ahead of me. i need sleep. i need sleep. i'm so like..

a teeter-totter. seriously. i don't know what i feel like. it's so. just fuckin gay. i'm so moody, things are ticking me off. and everyone's irritating, like i'm surrounded by a bunch of little gnats, or aphids, or mosquitos. i just feel like telling everyone to shut the fuck up. it's horrible. and the few times i laugh at a joke or something, i try dragging it on so i can laugh more. 'cause i love laughing. laughing is one thing i can do great. but i get into these ruts. where i'm walking in a cave where everyone's just fucking gay lol. and everyone says the wrong things. and everyone does the wrong things. i always get like this sometimes. i want to go to Italy. but it'll go away. i'm sure of it.

can lack of sleep make you the biggest bitch in the world? i wanna smoke. i wanna smoke 5 billion cigarettes. i want my fingers to be smelly, and i want to taste that awful taste in my mouth. and i want to feel bouncy when i walk. and i want to listen to my music loud so loud so loud so loud i might damage those little hairs in your ears that detect sound or whatever.
i'm trying to think of what usually makes me happy no matter what. i'm not even turned on by anything whatsoever right now. and that's very unusual i'm turned on/horny/rarin' to go 24 hours a day seven days a week. i just think about something and it's like BOOM. but i don't even get that way when i think about him right now. i just wanna see him. see him a few inches from my face.
i want to watch a really sad movie. so i have a reason to let tears out. do you ever get that way? i mean, i'm such a crier, and i haven't cried for any reason in forever. and sometimes you get like a build up of tears, that are just there. for no apparent reason. no reason at all, it's just there and it needs to be emptied. and you don't want to just cry over nothing, so watching a good sad movie should do it. i need to watch Armageddon. but it's like midnight. i don't really have time to watch a movie now do i. this chair fuckin squeaks. i need to be outside. i need to be one with nature for a bit. my lips are so fuckin chapped too. it sucksssss.

so i need to put my phone in between my legs cuz when i put it on my desk it vibrates and makes a loud racket, so there it is, in between my thighs on my lap, and i don't even get anything out of the vibrations every couple minutes. haha. i need to read a book. books are always good. and if you have a good one, i might just cry. i've cried at books before. it's weird though, i don't really finish books. like, i'll read it. it'll be boring at first like they all are for me, i'll get into it, and then i'll just stop reading it. there's this one book, The Pilot's Wife (Oprah's Book CLub WOOHOO), and i still have to finish that it's been almost a year. i read half of that book called Night (Oprah's Book CLub WOOHOO), the one about the concentration camps and stuff. written by Elie Wiesel. who experienced concentration camps first hand. he must have some major tear build up. unless he cries often. having lost your family in such a harsh way, and to live your life, thinking about it everyday.. i'd never get over it. i'd never be able to get over it. it would be like a bad break-up, and your next boyfriend is sadness. you'd spend all your time with sadness, kissing it, possibly making love to it.. only creating even more sadness which is never good.
or maybe you could do what he actually did, and did something awesome with his life and wrote a million books or a number somewhere around there, and he's a University professor. like wow. that takes courage.

i've decided i'm going to be a designer of some sort. possibly Interior Design.. or Visual Communications. i think it'll be fun, 'cause i have to take Art History for those too.. and i think i'd like that.

i get moments where i lose hearing in one ear, my vision is distorted, not extremely, but like... i get dizzy sort of, i get the feeling i get after i smoke, and i get almost a nauseous feeling. and it's weird. and then i think outside myself. and i'll write him back, and not realize what i've written until after i've sent it. and i'm afraid i said something dumb, but when i look at my outbox, what i wrote makes perfect sense, and it's written exactly the way i feel it. i asked him "what's wrong", and he said "nothing, it just seems like there's something wrong with you lol.."

there is something wrong. i'm just not happy. i don't know why. maybe it's time i dated sleep, and made babies with sleep, but i look at the time, it's 11:56, what's the point, if i really wanted to wake up refreshed tomorrow morning i'd need to go to sleep at ten or something. i might as well stay up, and let him come see me. i only have to wait another hour and a half..

this fucking playlist sucks ass.

i wish i knew what was going on. or maybe all this shittiness (yes, i said shittiness, it's so much more than suckiness, you must realize this difference), is because i'm supposed to that stupid monthly thing tomorrow. FUCKING GAY I SAY.

i go on strike. for what you ask? for being a mood swingy girl, that's what.