Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever


(i will be posting Oasis lyrics for a while now)

i'm gonna start reading my Art History text book.

i can totally do this... i just need to take it one day at a time and avoid looking at the entire picture at once.
this is totally what i want to do with my life, i will try my hardest and work hard. there's no way that i can't do that.

i will love every minute of it

AUG31.08
for some reason i thought it was August 30. school starts soon.
i have an ugly lonely spell right now.
i'm only 18. things will happen. my life is just a big rain cloud over me right now. things i have to do, books i have to read. i fell like everything is just waiting to be accomplished, but i can't seem to just do it. if i just did things i set out to do, maybe i'd have more to say to people. maybe i'm not as over high school mentality as i thought. maybe where i thought i was capable of intense conversation, i'm really not... this is such a sad realization.

i just stay in the background and say nothing. i just stare and listen and analyze people, their expressions and mannerisms. and for what really? so i can be forgotten and never stand out? i thought i had broken out of my shell years ago. maybe there's a lot more to break through still. i regret being ignorant to most things in my life.. if i paid attention more to simple, everyday things, i might have more to say about things.

i feel like i've been quiet my whole life. i've said nothing, done nothing, impacted
No One.
i think the only thing that will make me feel better right now is if i listen to Bob and talk to God...

i'm sure he misses me.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you - we talk of growing old
But you said please don't !

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind We'll find a way
To do what we've done

God was sitting on my head. he grabbed my hands and clapped them together. he strained my voicebox and tickled my brain for the lyrics he knew were in there. He was totally right there. in every puff of marijuana smoke i could see erupting over the crowd in random spots. "where were you when we were getting high?", there were more marijuana smoke eruptions for that song for sure.

there is nothing like live music. live music is better than love, sex, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. to stand there in the center of the people, we were all connected. unfamiliar faces were familiar to me because we were feeling the exact same thing in the exact same moment. a concert is more than just a concert. it's proof that people have a love for something, that people believe in something real.

this is what the Gallaghers do to me, world. you need to listen to what they say, and what they play and you'll find it beautiful, same as me. it's when you hear the first couple chords and your brain knows right away... thousands of brains know right away. you roar because you want to participate and you don't want to feel out of the bubble. you stand up and wave your arms and laugh and mess up the words 'cause no one gives a shit and everyone's in love with the air.

you can find me chasing the sun.

i've collected a few golden websites
and i love spending time discovering new music

when i started this new blog over a year ago, i was really affected by the saying "don't think just feel". i can't remember where i read it, but i remember skimming by it, going back to it to actually think about, and it made me feel so much better about situations.

don't think, just feel.
i need to do that more.

but then i think again.
think again think again
think again

how would bob react, how would chris react.. or andy or che.
the walk down the hill is far too bumpy to attack right away. i might as well enjoy the horizon all by myself and rest my back against the lonely tree.
perhaps i shouted so loudly i didn't hear anything else going on around me?
maybe if i listened more the skies would shout back at me what i was shouting at them.

think again. steer away from what i am. i can outgrow it. why can't i live the way i wish i lived? my habits get in the way and although i want to be carefree, i'm not. i'm not. i could listen to you more.
i wish i had more secrets.
i wish i had more things i could keep to myself.
i wish i had more things you were desperate to figure out.

it's too late now to stifle the way i really am. the one thing bothering me is the one thing that can make me feel better.

why ???

i've walked up the hill to only find a lonely tree. no, i didn't laugh.
on the way up the hill i stepped on rocks and grass and shouted my life story at the top of my lungs. i shared with the sky and whoever was listening the words i'd written, the thoughts i'd thought, the things i'd done. running the few last steps of the hill, when all the horizon came into my view, i became disappointed. i wasn't expecting to see an unbroken horizon. i was expecting to see the silhouette of someone else.

although i don't want to expect there to be another hill, i plan to tackle it in silence and leave my book closed. this way, i won't expect someone to meet me at the top.

Penelope died.


and that is not a joke. i can't believe it. my first fish, and she lasted two months.
i miss her =(

yesterday i went to the eye doctor. on the way back Conor picked me up from Belvedere and we went to Kingsway because he needed to buy shoes. sexy shoes at that. and then we went to his place and watched Green Street Hooligans, and then later on we went to see The Dark Knight.

fabulous movie. fabulous day.
today i'm driving to Saskatchewan.

i crashed my car.


haha just kidding. i shouldn't say that. i drove it quite well today.
we went to Londonderry, where the tailor told Daniel his pants would be ready in an hour, so we moved onto West Edmonton Mall. we checked out my iPod at the new Apple store which could probably be mistakened for heaven on earth. except they gave me bad news about the black hole my screen has attained. it can't be fixed, but i guess i'll have to put up with it until next summer... when i think i'm gonna buy a new Mac laptop and an iPod. it'll be my investment. we then went to Urban Outfitters to get Daniel a shirt for this wedding. i immediately had good ideas and he ended up with a nice sweater to wear, and after some necessary fabric frolicking, i unwillingly left empty handed. i want clothes when i go there. i wish it wasn't so expensive.

i've decided i'll go back before school starts. i'm gonna buy two sweaters, a pair of sweatpants, and a pair of nice nice jeans. maybe i'll get another pair of those American Apparel sweatpants.. i love those. in grey this time , so i'll have green black and grey sweatpants. my staple clothing.

and the sweaters i'll get from either Value Village or Urban Outfitters... and the jeans i'll have to actually spend some good money on.

well after the West Edmonton adventure we went back to Londonderry to see if his pants were ready yet. we ended up waiting a little bit more. and then his pants were fine, so we then went to Canadian Tire.

that was interesting, because i needed to buy mats for my car (we got tan ones to match the interior :D) and i ended up running into Josh and Marshall from elementary haha.
it was really sweet to see them. it's been about two years i think since i last seen them. before that, it was probably grade 6 haha.

anyways, i have to organize my bag, my closet, get some CDs in a box to put in my car, and figure out what i'm going to wear to this wedding!

ps i did ALL the driving today and i'm still alive. and i'm gonna drive to Saskatchewan on Friday!

this morning i played the chauffeur, as my brother needed to run some errands, and i needed/wanted to drive my beautiful Saab around the streets of Edmonton.

my cell phone has been silent for awhile now, Conor is camping at Pigeon Lake. i wonder if it was stormy last night.

we went to the gym last night and i walked out after a 55 minute run and it was sprinkling and it was humid. i walked to my car opened it and sat down. parked closer to the building for when Daniel came out. i felt like an adult. in my car. on my own.

but in a parking lot.

we came home and i ate half a bowl of cereal and i'm glad to say i've been maintaining my weight. i left for Italy and was 155 pounds. i am now 145 pounds and it only seems to be dropping.

it's a real weird change. i don't watch television anymore, i don't feel the need for food anymore. i think it's because with Conor and Breanne, i have a real social life i can replace tv and food with. it makes me think.. this is what real social human beings do!

last night as i was lonely
i played my music and worked on my project.
my project is the birthday card of a family friend who is turning 80 soon.
i've decided to make it sentimental and unnecessary, simply because it is my time filler.. something to color, cut and paste when i have nothing else to do.
it's not turning out as cool as i thought it would, but it's already pretty extensive, so it's the thought that counts.

i keep having urges to do something with my room. there's only so much a person can do to their bedroom, and i can't wrap my mind around it.

no, it is fine the way it is right now.

i love the smell of my car. i suppose i haven't formally introduced it to the world yet, have i?
it's a 2004 9-5 turbo Saab. it's a grey-ish, black-ish, blue-ish, brown-ish color (it's pretty complex, depending the lighting it's in), has heated seats, a sun roof, triptronics, pressure windshield system, 49 000 km, CD and tape, and ignition between the driver and passenger seats.. all for 15000 dollars. it's a beautiful car, and i've got some names picked out for it (female Swedish names, mostly) and once i drive it more and get to know it, i will choose from my list:

-Molly
-Petra (stone)
-Astrid (divine beauty)
-Ingrid
-Marion (from Requiem for a Dream)
-Marla (from Fight Club)
-Edie (as in Edie Sedgwick)
-Hanna (gracious)
-Sylvia (from La Dolce Vita)

i think they're very cute names.

i'm bored. i may drive me and my brother to the fringe later on.

i love my car. the doorbell's ringing.

yesterday, the fringe with Conor and Breanne.
it's been an alright week.

something you didn't know,
when i was a kid, i had this red and gold jacket that i would wear and pretend to be Michael Jackson in.
when we went to Italy, my mom would treat me like some sort of performing dog and tell me to do Michael Jackson for people, and i would imitate him. i don't remember exactly what i did, but my mom told me that i would do Thriller.

hahahah she reminded me of this, this summer, and i couldn't be more happy about it. Michael Jackson will always have my heart.

the sexiest guitar playing i've seen is found in the music video for Time Is Running Out by Muse.

Matthew Bellamy could not look any better than that. well maybe he can, but it would be very difficult.

i miss Muse, i think i'l start listening to them again, they really are quite talented.

i'm finishing the rest of my vermicelli bowl.
mmm...

this is what i do.
i experience, i write
almost immediately

i was above the clouds, im telling you,
but i know if i was under them, i would have felt the same.

i don't want to make a big deal, because wandering eyes may wander here and if certain ones do, then.. they may get scared.

i looked at the street lights
and i thought without thinking
like i chew my nails without thinking
and my thoughts went from thought to thought to thought
and happy.

a squeeze on the finger, a smile
happy.

just that
yup

it was quite a nice day. Heather picked me up around 11 and i just tagged along as she ran her last few errands before she leaves tomorrow :(

i bought a tape adapter and sweatpants and a sleeveless hoodie at American Apparel.

i was gonna say other stuff, but i think i might take a nap.
a yawn has just consumed my whole face.

and my car is now on our property. it's beautiful.

my thoughts are crushing my neck. at least thats what i think is causing this pain.

i want to sleep, but i don't

he texted me today asking when i work so he could stop by to get his souvenir.
what a dick thing to say. although i'm sure he didnt mean it that way.
i told him when i work and that i didn't know about the souvenir.
and he said Where The Fuck Is My Souvenir

he did buy me a drink from Halo before i flew across the pond, though.
my goal is to finish Che Guevara's biography. it's sitting on the bottom shelf, of all shelves, and my book mark is still in there.

i don't like to finish books. over the years, i've read only half of half the books i've read. i like that.
i've read only half of half the books i've read.

i want a yogurt. but i won't

i'm no longer in Mazzy Star mode. i am in silence mode.
i'm tired of shuffle
i'm tired of lonely
i'm tired of computer
i'm tired

brainstorming names for my car...

its difficult. i had no clue, now i have many clues
and they all sound so good. i'll just write them down and then see which one the car makes me feel like.

=D

i told myself i'd pick the first name i thought of, but i have decided to actually spend time on this.
don't laugh

im so used to being around people

that now im by myself in this room
with no one but the cold air around my feet
and i feel anxious when i turn the television on
to Big Brother. and i have no idea what's going on. and i feel disconnected from every television show on.
i could sit outside but then i'll think about him, and i think i need to keep myself busy with other things.
it's too dark for a bike ride in the middle of nowhere.
i could draw
or write some more
or fall asleep with my scarf keeping me warm
i could strike a conversation with Penelope and hope she hears every word i say amplified through the water, and Heather could hear too.
and the real Heather leaves in a few days and i still can't believe it. i don't think she'll be gone, but

she will be gone. and i won't react until i need her again. i respond in times of need
i want to be held
i'm used to feeling your fingertips on my back and your lips on my jaw line
i feel nauseous most of the time
and i haven't been eating properly
and my thumbnail is longer than the other and it bothers me but i keep forgetting to cut it
i need to shower tomorrow. or bathe. probably bathe.
i need to finish Clockwork Orange, but i don't know if i can handle it by myself. where's waldo
i want to play pogs with someone
i'm resisting the new Green Eggs and Ham notebook Heather bought me. blank paper is so tempting. i want to mark it up and dirty it
i'm wearing my retainers for the first time in 2 months and it hurts and it feels good because i know something good is happening. but the pain stops eventually and i bite down hard on my retainers to create some friction. or some sort of assurance that something good is happening.

school is scaring me.
but i have a car. i will be able to drive it. and that means i can see you whenever you or i want. minus 9-5 monday to friday. i can even drive as designated.


hello