oh hello.

i'm somewhat distraught. oh man i'm getting anxious. anxious like i do in airports. like i do when i need to go somewhere and half-wanna and half-don't-wanna.

do the classifieds sell mind-sets? because i need to set my mind differently.
i don't mind which or what or who or where, i'll skip the A's 'cause i don't want anxious.
when i don't have anything i wish i had some, and when i have some i wish i had none. it's difficult to pick and choose with options galore which i find in the two. i like the one i last talked too. and perhaps i'll leave and come back with a third.
the similarities are similar and the differences different, all the same in comparison to the last.
i hope i won't let this time go by fast.
for once i need to abandon intensity and just live
and find and breathe and walk
and lay and sing and talk
and dance.

i'll write until my hand falls off
dance until my top moves up
photograph until my eyes hang down
kiss until i can't kiss no more
the trees, the humidity, the apples in the orchards
i'll carve the rocks in the mountains like i always do,
dip my toes in the lake like i never don't.

it's such a dragged out time. i know i'll get ansy and anxious
hearing people talk in the town below
knowing i'm up in my room with the dim lights and only my journal to comfort me. it happens all the time. i'll go out and come in hours of fun later, and want the morning to come fast so i don't have to realize how really all alone i am in this place that i seem to love coming back to. i'll bury my head in books and watch FRIENDS on my iPod for comfort.. pretend i am back in my bed trying my hardest to sleep. but can't. and won't. and shouldn't. because there's so much more i can do with my time. i'll sit on the balcony and watch the moon that isn't visible to any of the contacts on my cell phone. i'll sleep on the balcony where Nonna hangs my clothes to dry. i'll be 8 hours ahead of everyone else for only 5 weeks. for a long time 5 weeks. see time, see sounds, see it all in the pictures i will take.

sometimes i lay awake in bed, my bed, and hear the neighbours dog. close my eyes and place myself in Italy, when the dog barks at night. i really put myself there, so when i open them again, i see the furniture that isn't really there, the window and curtains that aren't there either.

it's always a hard time, for me, i find. to leave. i want to so badly. God knows how foolish i am to think 5 weeks is such a long time, but everyone knows how right i am to think 8 hours is such a long distance.


i hope someone reads this

SOS