insignificant detail

so tonight we had a big dinner.
My brother and Heather were over and my brother's friends came over too. Alex (the australian, and Jonathon). we ate in the dining room and my mom made lasagna and my dad made barbeque and all that good stuff. they all ended up leaving at 10 pm after discussing hilarious job site stories when my brother and his friends worked for my dad and such.

being around my brother and his friends and just the good times we all talked about and the things going on in their lives.. it makes me feel like such an insignificant detail.
i guess it's all part of growing up, of course.
i'm happy i have my parents to talk to. i washed my hair in the sink and i walked to the kitchen where they were. i asked them if it made them sad. if it made them sad that time goes by so fast. i told them i feel like an only child, that my life as a high school student is so insignificant.
i mean, i know i'll have a life like my brother's when i'm older. but most people don't get to see that first-hand. i see it almost everyday. i used to be able to go downstairs and hang out with my brother whenever i wanted. he has a girlfriend now and he basically lives there. i don't like having the permission to take over his bedroom. i don't want that.
i don't get how my parents aren't sad though. i know my brother isn't permanently moved out, but don't they feel abandoned?? i know i do.

it gives me that tension in the throat. you know when you don't want to cry, your throat tenses up? i feel so alone. i just want to get to that point in my life. seeing my brother's life makes me think where i am right now is so incredibly lame. it's like, ridiculously lame and it makes me frustrated... seeing all these people who are so oblivious to life after high school. they think everything is going to come so easy and they think they're all cool because they're in high school. i am so totally over it all.

what happens at this point in my life is nothing. and everyone seems to think everything's the hugest deal. i'm sick of girls who think they know everything when they know nothing. i just can't wait for all this hype to be done with so i can go on and meet new people who are like me, and just to do what i like to do. i want to be legal, an adult, living under my parents roof but experiencing life like my brother does. i want to find someone who... i don't know. just makes me happy.

when i have friends over for dinner, they eat and get up and no discussion is ever come into play. i just want that kind of dinner where it isn't awkward... where real things are discussed.

it's 11:13 pm. i still have to finish reading some chapters. i'm going to clean my room and maybe change it around or do something with it. it's going to be a late night.

but i love late nights