comparing apples and oranges

it's mother's day tomorrow. i thought about the last time i actually hugged my mother. i can't remember. she hugged me a couple days... i don't really hug her though. i'm planning to tomorrow though. and i made her a card. not just the regular card's saying NUMBER ONE MOM and all that bullshit. i wrote her a personal letter. i made the outside cheesy though, so at a first glance you'd think "oh god another useless card" but when you open it it's heartfelt.

i saw a thing on a guy's nexopia page about emo's. and then it showed pictures of Africans. it talked about how people slit their wrists over things that are really minor in the big scheme of life. i think we're spoiled. we as in United States and Canada. we have way too much for our own good, that we find things to complain about. we aren't grounded at all. we are very weak-willed people and when things don't go our way we get upset. i just think it's pure ridiculousness.

tonight we all went out for dinner at Tasty Tomato. a small home-style Italian restaurant. it was me, Heather, Daniel and my parents. it was really good food. and of course, we talked about my brother's trip to Europe this summer with Heather. it always gets me really down. it's depressing. not really the fact that they're going without me (well yeah i guess it kinda is because of that) but also because i feel like an only child. my brother doesn't even live here anymore.. i spend a lot of time in his room and i even sleep in there sometimes... it's just really sad. i feel abandoned almost. and on the ride after dinner to my aunt's place, i realized that i have a big fear of being left alone or abandoned. it's been proven true in all my relationships... sometimes i think i subconsciously screw up good relationships to avoid being the one abandoned. it doesn't hurt to abandon someone, but it does hurt being the one abandoned.

i mean, i'm sure everyone doesn't like being left alone, but i think i go to extreme measures to avoid it. sometimes i wish i didn't get along with my brother so well so him not being around wouldn't be so bad. it sucks thinking about it... you don't want to grow up. my mom's brothers live in Europe, it makes me think what will happen with me and Daniel?
sometimes i'm just plain jealous of him. his freedom, his relationships.. i know i'll have that one day too, but i just compare his life with mine (which is like comparing apples and oranges), and it gets me rather depressed.

i feel like mowing the lawn