wanna lose weight? MASTURBATE!

mmkai. i just got back from dance, and i should be studying for Social, but i can do that tomorrow. during Communications. right before i have the test. ugh. i hate tests. HONEST TO GOD.
anyways, i got kicked out of ballet today. along with Sam, Lauren and Ashley. it was.. uhh. odd. like fuck, usually i can be anti-social in ballet, everyone will be chit-chatting, and i'll just be anti-social 'cause i have bad days more often than good days. today i was having a good day (only a select few know whyyyyy haha), so i was more chatty. and i got my ass fkn kicked out. we talked to her after. and all is well now. but wow.

I HATE BALLET CHOREOGRAPHY. i mean, i hate to sound like i know everything, but i just don't like the way she does it. everything is so choppy. like, group one, then group 2, and then group 3. and i mean, sure, it's cool at times, BUT NOT FOR THE WHOLE DANCE. dance's are powerful when everyone gets together and does the same thing at the same time. THATS when the audience is taken aback in their seats and say "wow". ugh. PLUS, my dance class is with a bunch of new people i don't really know. the only people i know are Danelle, Chelsea, Dina, and Lauren. the rest are new. and it's so, like, quiet. Ms. Katy's showing us what to do, and she'll tell us to take it from the top, and i get so frustrated cuz nobody ever says anything. so i'll just be like "com'on guys we can SO do this" in a joking way.. and they laugh. and i mean, it's cool and all. i guess we all just need to get to know each other. cause i think that;s real important in a group. to get along and work as a team. thats just my view on that subject and i am determined to break the ice. yes, that is my job. ice breaker. and to add to that, our dance is going to be gay again. i mean, it's all the fucking same thing. it's so.........................monotone. monotonous. i want something different. without classical music. something actually inspiring.. something that will actually make me feel something inside myself (not physically OF COURSE.. but emotionally/spiritually/mentally/all the other "..ally's" that matter)

after dance, there's this girl, she's 20, and she's in the class after me, and she got engaged LAST NIGHT. can you believe that!? i mean, wow. congratulations and all, but if i was 20 and someone proposed to me.. i'd probably break out in hives or some shit. i'd be like WHOA HORSEY. even if it was someone i'd been with for a year and half. it's just incredible. that's a huge decision. i mean, agreeing to that is like agreeing to be committed to this person for the rest of your time on this planet Earth. and i don't see me doing that at 20 fucking years old. i don't know. i know it's odd for a 16 year old (17 in 80 days!!!) to be saying this, but marriage scares me. like seriously. i think everything about adulthood scares me. i'm afraid to grow up. when things really matter. when you get old. i mean, once i'm 18, can't i be that age forever? i don't wanna get old. i wanna have this body 'til i'm 70. and i wanna have my energy 'til i'm 70. and i wanna live carefree 'til i'm 70. i don't wanna pay bills. i don't wanna deal with adult stuff. fuck. i think i wanna pull a "Tuck Everlasting" haha.

but then again, i wanna be an old lady. i wanna be a grandma with tons of laugh lines. and i want grandkids who i can bake brownies for. and slip money into their pockets. i just wanna skip the marriage, and having kids, and being an adult part. your parents die when you're an adult. when you're an elder, you've gotten over it already. i don't know. maybe i'm having a mid-teenage-life crisis. i just don't wanna be 16 anymore. I HATE BEING SIXTEEN. IT'S FUCKING GAY. i want these 80 days to go by fast. like.. superhero fast.

oh yeah. at lunch today. Cole totally pushed me into the snow. and it was fucking cold. but we have a plan to play in the snow tomorrow at lunch. and i kinda can't waiiiiiiit

so today i told Leigha a true story. and she happened to say "lose weight? MASTURBATE!" right after and fuck. i laughed for a lot of miinutes... :blush: haha. you know whats suprising? i only had Subway today. in the whole fuckin day. and i'm not even hungry...... :blush: haha

i love her. she makes my day. i would take a bullet for her in a second. better to have her pretty face on this Earth than mine haha. and i would so take a bullet for Nicole too. =)