the chip on my shoulder

this morning sucked major ass. it still does. and all i really want to do is walk home. as far and as long as it may take, i don't want to be here. i'm not going to go home after school. i don't care what she tells me. i never cried at school. and once Stephanie gave me that hug.. i couldn't help it. why is it that i haven't been as emotional as i usually am, and that second when someone knows what's wrong and they give you that hug of comfort, you feel this tension inside your body, inside your throat, and all of a sudden your nose stings your eyes start overflowing, and as much as you wish your eye could hold all your tears without them spilling over, they don't. they run down your face. you don't wipe them away. you let them stay there, 'cause you know if you wipe them away, it will only increase the flow. and then you start fanning yourself. and you start to laugh because you think it's pathetic to cry in front of people.. and that's exactly what you just did. you feel pathetic. you feel like the biggest loser.. and then Jeff walks by and looks at me. he could tell something was wrong. i just wanted to give him a hug. he asks me what's wrong. and i can't even talk. we take a walk around before classes start, and i tell him what happened that morning and then i realize my voice is all shaky. and as much as i don't want it to phase me, my nose stings and my eyes fill up again. that's what's been happening all day. i feel like a loser. i hate crying, and looking weak in front of people.
i had a social test last block. Ryan helped me out a bit. Kevin made me laugh. i sat there and he just looked at me with that smile. and i couldn't help but laugh. can i just lay my head on this table and sleep. can i turn the lights off and close my eyes. can i just forget about how loyal i am to her, and do something she'd never expect me to do.
why can't i not care what she says. and do what i want. why can't i scare her to death when i don't come home one day. and make her worry. and not answer my phone. why can't i just look her in the eyes and swear at her and mean it. why can't i just open the door, walk out, and not care what she might do to me. why can't i just ignore her voice when she calls my name. why can't i refuse to open the door when she knocks. why can't i sit there when she yells at me, and just take it without yelling back in her face. why does it have to hurt deep down when she .. does that. the chip on my shoulder.
what does that phrase even mean. i don't know. but it sounds good there. imperfect. but the thing is, i know i'll be exactly like her when i'm older. except i'll be smarter than her, and do my potential children a favour and not have kids. not have kids to make them feel the way she makes me feel. you'd think i'm a fucking failure at life. you'd think i'm a failure at life. she makes me feel as if i am the chewed gum under her shoe. she makes me feel like i'm the dumbest person in the world. she makes me feel like i'm 5 years old. she makes me feel ugly. she makes me feel like a retard. she makes me feel incompetent. and i know i'd be the same. why do i have to know i'd be the same. why do i have to have the same traits as the one person in this whole world that makes me feel shittiest. it's like i see her as the future me. i don't wanna be that. but i know it will be. i know it.

i know it may sound emo, and it is emo to some extent, but i possess the traits of the person that makes me feel gjfgndfswrghdfhe

jus the chip on my shoulder i guess