today is Halloween. and i am sitting here watching America's Next Top Model and doing sit ups during commercials.

i don't know if it's my exercise routines, or that i'm giving my friend (and also, myself, in a way) love life advice almost everyday, but i've become very at ease with things. i am totally believing my own words when i say them, and nothing could make me happier.

sometimes i feel so beyond high school, so beyond the things that happen around me that...

oh fuck, now there's a commercial. and now i've lost my train of thought.


on another note, i took a quiz on Facebook and i am the epic hero of King Kong. i think it's all the love based answers i gave. it's true. i think about it a lot. i just really wish i had someone around that i genuinely liked and cared about in that sort of way.

maybe it's too much to ask at this point in time. or maybe it's just the way God is intending it to be, so i can focus on more important things, like finishing my children's book. WHICH, is going really really good.

i'm calling Pablo on Friday. goodnight

i worked tonight. didn't feel much like work than it was "chill out with your friends" time. lots of people stopped by and i probably spent a little too much time talking to them rather than actually working. it's ok, though. i am on the rise to becoming an honour student once again, my children's book is set, and my social life is flourishing despite my one month grounding.

of course, there's always room for improvement. as me and my brother discussed today in the car, people who think creatively like us and designers, are never satisfied with what we do. i told him more about my blog, he was aware i had one, but i went into more detail this time. i told him how my old blog is absolutely embarrassing to read, as it reflects just how much of a 15 year old i really was, and he said he feels the same way about looking at his past projects in University and that it's amazing that i am aware of my "evolving" as a person. he said it's really cool that i am able to write in my blog like this, and be constantly documenting my growth and maturity and also being aware of it.

it made my heart smile =)

on another note, we just watched a movie called "Blow" with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. was a pretty intense movie. it's a crazy thought, when people actually live through things like what George Jung lived through.

anyways, my fortune cookie is telling me to not get carried away, so i'll finish this here.

i saw Across The Universe last night and even though i'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, i absolutely loved it. i fell in love with it right away. well, with Jim Sturgess, anyways....

i got my paycheck today. was in the 300's, so i was pretty happy, considering i spent a little over half of that on a haircut and dye last week. i've come to realize that i'm not sure i like my hair long as much as i thought i would. Heather told me my face has structure, so it looks good with short hair. and the way Amy G (my hairdresser) cut it made me want to just chop it. but i've agreed that i won't cut my hair short until i lose weight and/or graduation is done.

i downloaded some new soundtracks: Pan's Labryinth and Amelie. they are really really good. i would recommend them to anyone who actually appreciates music, and doesn't listen to shit =)

here's the update on my children's book: i've drawn out some various characters, i think i've narrowed it down to one character, and i'm basing the story on Grace Kelly by Mika. SWEET HEY?

it's gonna be a cute one

i fucking hate it when people say woot woot

i'm feeling really anxious again.

my brother is in the basement, my parents are gone. i feel like the only person in the world for a few minutes. that's when i feel the most anxiety. i don't know what it is. my stomach tightens, like it's being tied in a knot, and i want so badly to be in the middle of the city. or to be with the love of my life, whoever that may be. it makes me want to be in a car with the window open, with my favorite music playing, and even if the wind is cold against my skin, i couldn't care less.

i feel anxious when i seem to be forgotten. when i want to create something spectacular. when i can't seem to pick the right song. or when i picture the love of my life, whoever that may be, doing whatever they may be doing at this precise moment.

it's when i pick the perfect song, and it makes me want to yell out the lyrics, but i bask by myself in the lonely lamp light that fills my room.

it's when i see the pictures from Italy beside my keyboard and want to be there right now. so much it hurts along with everything else i may be feeling.

sometimes at night if my window is open and i can hear dogs outside, i close my eyes tight and think about the noises i hear in Italy. the dog in the alley. i make it so realistic. i make myself excited for the adventures to take place the next day, the ones that will vanish once i sit up in bed and realize i'm still at home.

i get anxious when i want to watch a million different movies at the same time. i can't decide which movie will be perfect, and once i pick the perfect one, i quickly realize it's not how perfect the movie is, it's how perfect the person next to you is.

anxiety is when i can relate perfectly to the lyrics of that song. i get anxious when i'm cold, when my hands are so cold i can barely write. or when i'm so warm and cozy, wishing i was being embraced with someone else's body heat and not my own.

it's the feeling i get when i think about reality. thinking about the next ten years of my life, and when those ten years are finished, i will be expected to have a husband. or have a degree and a steady career, my own place with a fireplace and kitchen. possibly expecting a child, who knows?
i could be living in Europe, or New Zealand. or i could be renting out my old house in Beverly, wishing i was still as tall as that old piece of tape on the wall.

the thing is, .. well i'm not really sure what the thing is. it's hard to choose my words when i can't even choose my feelings.

i think i have to focus on a time when i was truly happy. truly at ease. but even this is hard because happy memories can be depressing.

i think the times when i'm happy without any strings attached is when i sing the lyrics to all my favorite songs, while my attention is diverted to something my hands are doing.. like drawing or writing or doodling or even doing homework.

or maybe this Enrique Iglesias music is getting to me

only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.

i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.

so like yuh

for my first portfolio project, i'm going to design and write a children's book.

i am so excited.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

i've been looking into ACAD (alberta college of art and design) for next year. i looked at all their first year courses and such. i'm so used to seeing all these things as options. it's gonna be so weird.

part of me wants to go to Calgary, to get out of here and start fresh somewhere else, be on my own, meet new people and such. but it's so scary. i have no idea what i'm going to do.

story of my life

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tales
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
The numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, when I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

i haven't written in a while. not a lot to talk about, and i'm really sick and not in the mood for paragraphs and nicely formed sentences.

- on Monday my brother picked me up from school and we went downtown to the art gallery. and i saw REAL ANDY WARHOL ARTWORK. and i was introduced to new artists, one that i really liked was Patrick Caulfield. check him out when you have time.. and interest.
- i wrote a math chapter exam that i got 80% on YEAHH
- i work everyday this weekend and i feel so shitty so it's even more shitty.
- this girl who lives in New York messaged me on facebook. she told me i looked like Edie Sedgwick, and she's also a huge fan of Andy Warhol. whats even better? she works for Christian Dior and she's a make-up artist, who knows, she might be able to pull me some strings in the future.
- talked to the daughter of an assistant teacher i had in grade three. she had her baby girl this summer. and she's my age. i think it's incredible. and her boyfriend is there for her and everything.. i can't believe there's people my age actually going through that kind of thing
- it's Heather's birthday dinner this Sunday at our place. i'm kind of excited. and she's gonna give me a whole bunch of her old clothes which i am also excited for.
- i finally bought Alfie, which i looked for in every location that sells DVDs.
- i finished driver's training on Tuesday, now i just have to wait for December. i'm a pretty decent driver too, i drive everywhere =)

today was a really good day.

i wrote my math test, which i think i did reasonably well on. after school, i was actually able to finish all my homework during my spare, leaving me with no homework this weekend. at 1:30 i had driver's training which went pretty good as well. went home, took a bath and at 6:00 i went to northgate to meet up with Kari and Selena. from there we went to the west end where Etheriel was playing. i love going to their shows because it's just so sweet watching Keith on the drums.. he's actually amazing.

i met Hailey, Aislin's friend and Kelton's ex, she's a hoot. for real, she's really sweet, i wanna hang out with her more. then i met up with Jon, who i haven't seen in forever. he shared his two J's with us on the boats across the street. we reminisced about all our sweet times in grade nine when he sat behind me in homeroom. i also met Aislin's long time boyfriend, Shawn, who is also pretty cool.

Hailey gave me some booze and we smoked my 3 Ukrainian cigarettes that Sasha gave me. i don't think it mixed well with Kari thought, because she ended up throwing up in a bush outside.
it was a good night. something that i needed for a long time now.

i like to think i'm paying my dues.

once this year is done, i'll be having the time of my life.

the butterflies died. fortunately ?

i started a new journal today. i just had to.

today was really messed up.

this morning i was in a huge rush. i almost missed my bus and then i realized i left my wallet at work last night so i had to actually pay to get on the bus.

after school i had plans to get lunch with Andre so we got Taco Time with Amanda Kari and Selena. and then Kari and Selena had class, so me Andre and Amanda waited for what seemed like eternity for the bus. we got on the bus and got to northgate at 1. Andre and Amanda left me by myself to wait for the bus for 30 minutes. i went to namao a few bus stops early, leaving me to walk a while to get to my work. i picked up my wallet and walked to Breanne's. i got there about 1:50. i left her house at 2:30 and got to O'leary at 3:10 and then i waited until 3:30 for driver's training.

driving pissed me off today. when i'm with an instructor it seems everything is so much harder. because he nags me for everything and he keeps fucking talking and talking and it takes my attention away from what i'm doing. it's just kinda stressful sometimes. and today my biggest problem was keeping the speed limit. i just couldn't stay on fucking 50. IT'S SO FUCKING SLOW. and i did about 10 traffic circles. like holllllly shit.


goodnight.
and i felt butterflies today.

it could be a terrible thing. or a good thing. terrible, most likely.

an older guy came into my work today. had a french accent, still not sure whether it was real or fake. he asked my name and tipped me a dollar.

and i made him a cafe latte. he said i was beautiful

lol

i worked 12-8 yesterday, it was a really good shift, it went by reasonably fast, worked with people i like, and Peter even came in for awhile, even though his last day was on Tuesday.

i have another favorite customer. he is attractive, of course, he drives a really nice car, and he's studying business at the U of A. so i have three now: 1) the drug dealer guy, 2) the Jahova's witness guy, and 3) the business student.

i asked the name of the drug dealer guy today, i'm not sure how it's spelt, but it's pronounced Tagious, like the last two syllables of contagious. he's totally rich, he tipped us like 5 bucks yesterday, and he bought 3 drinks last night.

and the Jahova's witness guy started a conversation with me too. i told my mom he might like me and she said "oh my God".

so anyways, after work i met Breanne on the other side of 167th and we went to her house and watched Celebrity gossip television shows and talked about them and Beverly Hills 90210. we talked about rich man sports being tennis, golf, and when we flipped to a channel with Equestrian, we simultaneously added that one to our list. and then we laughed about it for about 5 minutes.

my mom picked me up at 11, and i went home and watched BH 90210.

today was weird. the original plan was to go to Matt's house after school, but i bailed due to my level of tired-ness, the shitty weather outside, and the fact that i didn't want to stay at school during my spare last block. so i took the bus to Belvedere, thinking i would be going home.

instead, i saw Levi on the bus, who i haven't seen in like half a year, and i met up with Carolina. she was going to city center to buy her boyfriend's birthday present. realizing no one was home, i decided to go to City Center with Carolina. we picked up her boyfriend's cologne and earrings. and coincidentally, we ran into him and his friend. we ate some lunch and took the train back to Clareview at 2:00.

and then i drove home from there =)

i work at 5. UGHHHHG