i thought he was dead

i just spent an hour looking at old pictures.

i don't know if it's because i took more pictures of social outings then than i do now,
but it seems i might have been a lot more fun back then...

christine,
stop being so greedy
and stop expecting too much.

you have what you wanted,
you have all the time in the world
if not today, then tomorrow
if not tomorrow
then some other day.
things don't need to happen right now.
like what you have because it's what you wanted
all along.

Love,
christine

i want to take more pictures of people.
i'm going to take the camera with me everywhere.

yesterday was interesting.
i worked in the studio from 8:30-11:30.. i had a class at noon, so i picked up some matboard, and the novel Wuthering Heights for english within a half hour, and then i went to Philosophy. thank God that was only 50 minutes. right after class, i grabbed a tea and went to the studio to work again. i was there until 4:00
i got everything done, though.
went to Dewey's which is conveniently located under my art and design studio.. sat with Brendan and Conor for a bit and then went to Conor's. waited a long time for the number 8, but we got there
and ate Delissio pizza.
around 7, Breanne came over and we all went to the fashion show.
Emily met us there, and after the fashion show we went to Churchill for a FREE LIVE SHOW BY SHOUT OUT OUT OUT OUT

yay!
the wild dancer in me, who was trapped since before i went to Italy, was released.

around.. 11:11 we left, and went to Tim Hortons, and then Breanne drove me home.

it was fun, but i always want more.
past tense sucks.

this morning in art i nearly had a breakdown for several reasons:

1. i was over-tired due to the Bloc Party concert last night (i shall elaborate later)
2. the dumb train was packed and was delayed, making me nearly ten minutes late for art GASP
3. we had to draw negative space of the most complicated still life (bicycles with spokes GASP)

ok, so about the Bloc Party concert last night. it was fantastic, minus the shitty sound at Edmonton Event Center. people were crowd-surfing, got kicked to the back, one guy even managed to jump onto the stage and sing with Kele Okereke. i'm pretty tolerant when it comes to crowded crowds, but after awhile, i can't take it. my clausterphobia kicks in and i get frustrated, especially when i'm being squashed into the railing in front of the stage. i have to admit though, pushing back just as hard felt so good. i wanted to elbow everyone in my radius in the face. minus my brother, of course.
Shout Out Out Out Out opened for them, and i had never listened to them before last night, and they were really good. i think my favorite was watching both drummers on different drum sets banging the drums so synchronized. it was truly magical. i practically went nuts. this girl and this guy standing behind me totally rubbed me the wrong way, though.. literally. she was constantly jumping and all i could feel was her crotch on my ass. my personal bubble was completely destroyed last night and it made me agitated lol.

i like my space, unless someone i like is invading it. i shouldn't complain though, it's kind of expected at a concert. i didn't know the layout of Ed's, though, so i couldn't exactly prepare for what happened.

anyways, today i was completely tired and late and upset. Conor's texts made me smile though. i got through my drawing, completing Project 1.3 of Art, and about thirty minutes ago i finished Project 1.3 for Design. things are looking up... tomorrow morning at school i'm going to read English and start sketching for Art.

i am totally using my time wisely! i was the only one in design who had finished Project 1.2, what a keener i am! i definitely enjoy Design a lot more than Art... i have no drawing abilities, though, so that's a given.

but i was freaking out this morning. Projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Art and projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Design are due on Monday and we're going to do critiques.

yesterday in Art History, my focus stayed unbroken for the whole class and i took substantial notes.

i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.. i would have it no other way.

i cut my finger today with the xacto knife.
i felt like a true designer.

so i have lots to say,
and i just sent Heather a jam-packed message on facebook, and a lot of what i said in there is stuff i wanted to say on here, so here are some pieces from her message...

and school is awesome! i really really like it, and maybe i'm speaking too soon, but i'm really enjoying it. first thing that happened on the first day when i got off the train was run into Andrea which was cool.. we were both running late though so we only said hey. and that same day my art class was going on a tour ending at the art store, and on the way i saw Mel which was also cool haha. i also talked to Kelsey when she had a Twee booth in SUB which was cute. and Dewey's is a regular hangout.. me and Conor and our friends are always there and i had my second tea from there today! i had at this morning and my prof is Lisa Turner and our first drawing was blind contour.. drawing the person next to us! me and my partner Matt were the only boy/girl partnership (lol) and i had to stare him in the eyes and draw everything about him. i laughed. it was weird. i have trouble maintaining eye contact with people i actually know, and here i had to do it with a stranger.. and draw! the second drawing we had to do was continuous line with non-dominant hand.. i was a little better, and our third was continuous line with our dominant hand, and it didn't turn out bad at all.. i was pleasantly surprised. our final one was a simple life complex continuous line, and with my viewfinder i was able to get things pretty nicely proportionate. i thought of you when you taught me to mentally measure things and i found it exhausting. i did that for a full 50 minutes and my arm was very sore. it was a good class, though.. i was really hesitant when i started the simple life project, as i didn't want to make any mistakes, but once i drew the shape of the table everything else seemed to follow nicely after.

i had an hour break after art, and met with a friend who i hadn't seen since junior high. i had philosophy from 1-2, and that class i've learned is sort of a bore... and then i had an hour break where i met Conor at Dewey's to study. and then i had design. my prof is Greig Rasumussen and today he even asked me if i had an older brother who did industrial design and i said.. Daniel? and he said Yes! i can see the family resemblance. Say hello to him for me.
which i have yet to do. Daniel will be pleased, he told me Greig is brilliant. so far, he is. i finished Project 1.1 today, which is basically an arrangement of 5 different rectangles (the golden section rec., square root rec., equilateral rec., 2x3 rec., and 1x2 rec.). i still have to do 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 due for monday. it was a lot of fun though, i liked having 3 hours to measure, cut out, arrange, outline and label these rectangles. 3 hours went by superfast and i ended up being the second last person out of the room because i wanted to finish it so bad. and i asked a lot of questions, you would have been proud.. i wasn't even scared to ask. probably because there's only ten people in my class , but oh well. when i had an idea for my rectangles and a cool labelling system, i'd ask Greig what he thought and he told me and i would re-arrange and ask again if it was ok, and at the end when almost everyone was gone i showed him the final product and he said he liked the sharpness of the ink and the corners, and how precise everything was. he even gave me a tip (that i think you gave me a while back) for when i had deep lnes with small amounts of graphite left behind.. use a kneadable eraser and shape one side into a point and manoeuvre it into the pencil grooves of the paper. it was a really sweet class, and even though i spend 6 hours in that studio every monday and wednesday, they always seem to go by extremely fast.

i already plan to stay after class on wednesday to finish another few projects and basically all of friday as well...

tomorrow i have art history and english right after. my at history prof is Santa-Balazs, who Daniel said is "really wicked!" and she seemed it on thursdays class, so i'm excited about that class too. the only classes i'm not so into are Philosophy and English.. but they both really have nothing to do with my degree, so i guess it's a good indicator that i've chosen the right program.

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as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all